Being shy makes almost any social event more difficult — and it can keep you from getting what you want out of life. But some simple tips can make shyness less of an obstacle.
Anyone who’s ever felt shy knows how much it can suck: the fear of approaching people, the feeling that everyone’s judging what you say and do, the intimidating parties where all you can do is hide in the bathroom or pretend to be super-interested in the hummus. When I talked to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci, professor of psychiatry, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast, and author of Shyness: A Bold New Approach, he made the following distinction between shyness and social anxiety: people with social anxiety disorder often avoid social functions, while shy people often still go out and try to talk to people, but aren’t sure how to go about it. People suffering from clinical anxiety disorders can often benefit from therapy — but if you’re someone who just wants to be less shy and doesn’t know how to start, the advice below might help you.
First, know you’re not alone.
When you’re feeling shy, it’s easy to think that everyone else is a total master of social interaction whose life is basically a neverending parade of back-slapping and bonhomie. But according to Dr. Carducci, about 40% of people say they’re shy (you can take his quiz to determine your own shyness here) — “so when you go to a social function, chances are half the people are just like you, looking for someone to kind of help them get things started.” Just knowing this can make you feel like less of a loser, and help you put some of the other tips into practice.
A lot of people think every social interaction has to be spontaneous, but if you’re shy, a little prep work can actually be a great idea. Says Dr. Carducci, “Before you go to social event, look at news sources, go online, read magazines. What are the issues of the day? If you’re going to an art reception, know something about the artist, know something about the gallery.” He adds that “the biggest mistake people make about conversation is they assume that it’s random,” but it’s “actually pretty structured,” and having some things to talk about ahead of time can actually go a long way.
Dr. Carducci also advocates preparing for potentially difficult interactions like asking for a raise:
“The thing is to practice. How are you going to ask for this raise? Practice doing this in situations that are comfortable for you.” He suggests role-playing the conversation with a family member or friend.
Dr. Martin Antony, professor of psychology at Ryerson University in Toronto and author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook, advocates an even simpler form of practice: if you’re one of those people who does avoid social events because of shyness or anxiety, just go. He explains, “one of the most powerful ways of reducing fear over time is to confront feared situations […] People who are anxious around other people, who feel uncomfortable in groups, the best thing they can do is spend more time in that situation.” He warns that at first, this can be unpleasant, but over time shy people can “build up their skills in those situations, they’ll get better at small talk and things like that, and also they’ll just get used to the situations, and discover that the things they’re afraid will happen often don’t happen.”
And Meghan Wier, author of Confessions of an Introvert: The Shy Girl’s Guide to Career,
Networking and Getting the Most Out of Life offers this getting-ready advice:
When approaching a group or individual for the first time you need to first make yourself as comfortable as possible. To do this you might first check your appearance in the mirror, grab a cup of coffee, or even grab a friend to come with you if possible. Know what you are going to say, before you get there, and when you reach the group, smile, speak strong and confidently and make eye contact. Confidence will mask your shyness, and at give you the opportunity to make the best first impression.
Know the structure of a conversation.
Dr. Carducci says satisfying conversations can be broken down into five steps, and shy people can get more comfortable talking by learning to perform all of them effectively. The first — getting started — sounds simple, but Carducci says it’s one that often trips people up, which anyone who’s ever hovered around awkwardly trying to think of an opening gambit will understand. An opener doesn’t have to be fantastically witty — says Dr. Carducci, “the best opening line is something that is simple and that reflects the shared environment or the shared situation. That’s why ‘nice weather we’re having’ is such a great opening line. As trite as it may sound, what that actually tells the other person is, ‘I want to talk to you. Do you want to talk to me?'”
The next step is introducing yourself — and Carducci says you can actually do so in a way that moves the conversation forward. Instead of something simple like “I work at the mall,” he suggests something like, “I work at the mall selling cell phones, and you would not believe the reasons people give me for wanting a cell phone.” Obviously your introduction might be totally different, but if you can think of something interesting about yourself to offer people, the conversation will go that much better. You may even easily segue into the next step, which is selecting a topic of discussion. Here, Dr. Carducci notes that you shouldn’t get discouraged if no one responds immediately to a topic you throw out — they may need time to think about it. And if someone else throws out a topic, don’t feel like you have to “say something critical or brilliant” — sometimes a simple question works just as well.
After that, it’s time to build on the conversation topic, a process Carducci likens to “brainstorming.” For this part of the conversation, you need to be alert and able to see connections — Carducci recommends that shy people avoid alcohol for this reason. This is a tough area — a stiff drink can calm some people enough to let them make that opening in the first place. But too many will confuse you and slow you down. And if, like me, you worry about saying the wrong thing, drinking too much can make things worse — I start to worry that I’m saying dumb things because I’m tipsy, which can make me even more self-conscious. Bottom line: good conversation requires you to be in possession of your faculties, so do whatever you need to in order to maintain that state.
The final step in Carducci’s conversational model is “ending the conversation but maintaining a sense of connectedness.” This can be tough — the end of a conversation is always a dicey time, and shy people can be tempted to just scoot out as fast as possible. Instead, Carducci recommends the following approach (also found on a tip sheet based on his book):
Let the person know you’ll be leaving soon, express gratitude for the conversation, summarize some of the major points, and set the stage for future conversation. For example, you can say, “I really must be going soon, but I had a great time chatting with you. I really appreciate your comments about that new movie. Here’s my card. Call me if you know of any other movies you think I might enjoy.”
Obviously, every conversation is different, and it may seem reductive to divide all of them up into five steps. But just because conversations have the same general structural elements doesn’t mean they’re not individually fascinating, or that a really good one can’t go on for hours. Having a mental model for how conversations often go doesn’t have to be limiting — instead, it can let you know what to expect, thus helping you chill out and actually enjoy yourself more.
Think about other people.
Says Dr. Carducci,
Shy people tend to be highly self-conscious. And when you are self-conscious, what happens is you become self-focused. This sense of self-consciousness — how do I look, how do I sound, that kind of stuff — that gets in the way of making conversation. […] The first thing that you need to do is be sort of aware of that, and one of the ways that you can help reduce that sort of self-consciousness is to realize that when you’re trying to engage others it’s not about you, its about them. Be focused on the other individuals — what can you do to make them feel more comfortable?
A shy friend once told me that when he feels tongue-tied, he often asks other people questions about their own lives, which is a great way to take the pressure off yourself and give other people a chance to talk. And people tend to like someone who’s interested in them just as much, if not more, as someone who’s being insightful or hilarious. Wier has a specific recommendation for professional settings:
When attending a networking event, try to get a “job” — even if it is self appointed! Be the greeter, or the name-tag person—even the “goodwill ambassador” – By saying hi to each person as they come through the door, helping them with their name-tags, or even working to hook them up with the people in the room THEY would like to meet, you will distract yourself from feeling awkward, and you will get to meet everyone too!
And, says Dr. Carducci, “if you’re at a social function and you want to deal with your shyness, find someone who looks more shy than you and talk to them.”
But don’t sell yourself short.
Dr. Antony points out that shy people often overestimate how badly they come off in social settings: “a lot of people who are shy, their skills are better than they think they are. Their social skills are fine, but they feel like people are judging them negatively.” And just because you’re not always comfortable socially doesn’t mean you’re not awesome. Wier offered this advice for shy people asking for raises, but it’s applicable in almost any situation where being shy might hold you back:
You have to learn to be your own cheerleader — especially when you are shy! If you don’t think you deserve it, no one else will. And if you do — you need to let everyone else know. There is nothing wrong with being strong and confident, and when it comes to asking for a promotion or raise, or even just recognition, first you need to believe it, and then you need to graciously, but confidently get what you want.
By Anna North , originally posted on Jezebel. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
For all of Jezebel’s Social Minefield columns, go here.
The thing is I like girls who are shy, their cute and adorable.
we’d get along very well then. :)
I like the idea of practicing, but I also feel like no amount of practice will stop my inevitable downward spiral of awkwardness.
Awkwardness can be endearing. :) I feel like a decent portion of AS readers might be the hummus gays or like, we’d turn the bathroom hideout into a bathroom party.
totally! I’m not as shy as I used to be, but I know the hummus-bathroom situation. it usually goes something like
“say something…do something…smile…no, this has been going on for too long…now it’s too late to say something…pretend to be focused on the food…food food food…no…bathroom…exit.quick!”
That is uncannily like my thought process in nearly every social situation.
but your hair is so nice!
sometimes i think everyone is judging me, and i freak out. but i feel like nothing can’t be resolved with alcohol. unhealthy? probably, but i won’t know if you’re judging me.
Dude, I know precisely what you are saying. When you’re drunk, it’s all good. And easier to talk. Unhealthy? Probably, but we won’t care if you’re judging us.
i’m also with you on the alcohol. even 1 drink is enough to make me be less awkward and not think about ppl judging me
One of the first things my girlfriend told me was “I don’t even know why I’m talking to you, I’m very shy”. A month later, bam, we’re making out.
I`m not shy, I just don`t like people.
I was trying to figure out if I was shy or too jaded to start conversations
There is this irrational part of me that over obsesses about all the things mentioned in this. I am really paralyzingly shy. I appreciate this post so much.
OH MY GOD THOSE KITTENS. Mawmawmaw <3
I like this post a lot, and not just because of the kittens.
I’m going back to uni on Sunday and I think this term I need to make more of an effort to meet people sober and not just make really good temporary drunk friends.
No no no, what you need to do is make really good temporary drunk friends and then HANG OUT THE MORNING AFTER. That’s the key. It’s when you properly bond; you’re all in the same ridiculous self-inflicted situation, you’re still kinda uninhibited and filled with residual affection from the effects of the alcohol, and you have the memories of last night to cringe over/enjoy together. Some of the best days of my life have been hangover days. I met my gf on a hangover day.
Hangover day friends are friends for life.
Plus it’s an excuse to lie on the sofa and watch dvds all day. Hooray!
You are now my favourite Autostraddler – I don’t have to stop drinking! YAY!
Seconded. I love it when adults tell me that alcohol is the answer.
I have problems with this. I’m possibly never more awkward than I am the morning after a night of drinking. Even when everyone else is acting silly I just want to crawl back into my hole. Clearly I need to work on that part of partying. Or stick with Ellen’s original plan of meeting people sober.
Pretending to be interested in hummus takes much less effort than pretending to be interested in pretzels, for example.
That being said, I should probs bookmark this article
I used to go to Ryerson University! Shout out! I dropped out and went to U of T (anyone?).
Coincidentally, I attended the Shyness Clinic at RU (years ago). It didn’t really help me I think… but the nursing program I was in helped me and forced me to talk to people because that’s what nurses do. I find that being forced into social interactions, like a job, helps me to approach people (money talks), versus doing it on my own…
Thanks for the post. I wonder if non-shy people would read it… shout out you people? Just curious.
Oh, ditto on the job part – I think that’s so important. Finding my niche in the hospitality industry allowed me to grow into a different person, playing host in different capacities 50 hours a week. And then at work personality permeated my out-of-work personality & I became able to talk to strangers/network successfully at the art gallery or at the bar. Unfortunately I am still awk with people I see on a regular basis & most of the lesbian clubs, half because I blush & falter, half because I’m most comfortable in a Buffy/Firefly/Whedon coma debating the principles of quantum physics & nobody else that lives here seems to like that. :(
I worked in a restaurant for years and was like a super confident talker when it came to interacting with customers but it never seemed to cross over to my out of work self unfortunately. I don’t really know why.
same here. I have been teaching for 3 years and developed a professional pokerface. I just can’t seem to keep that pokerface in my personal life, especially when talking to women I like. have to find myself a lady who likes awkward women…
I don’t know where you live but I LOVE Whedon comas :)
:)! Brooklyn, NY. You?
Birmingham, AL. Damn, your place is way cooler than mine. I lose.
it’s really appropriate that the social network trailer is under related posts because i am like jesse eisenberg levels of shy/awkward, guys, like for real.
anyway, this whole post speaks to me, especially now that i’m not in school and kind of cut off from the (hurr hurr) social network that i had there, which forced me out of my little shell and made me interact with more than two or three people at a time. post-graduation awkwardness: not pretty.
It’s not so much the “afraid of people judging me” aspect but the “I hope I don’t say something stupid, thus resulting in the awkward silence” aspect
I dated someone for a good two months, and she decided that I too shy for her. *sigh* Thing is i’m not really all that shy. She was the first girl i ever dated and I just really liked her so it made me more self conscious about doing something stupid. That ended up being my downfall.
I’m still learning…
I used to be really loud and out going up until I started college. Now I’m soo shy and awkward. What is this?!
I’m introverted and shy with anxiety issues, so I’m pretty much just resigned to all social situations being awkward and uncomfortable.
if ani says it, it must be true.
I got it ;)
The best thing is that every social success makes the next success easier to come by.
Seriously, once I had a few awesome friends who thought I was awesome, finding MORE awesome friends (who also think I’m awesome) was way easier. Now I’m wondering why I spent so many years hanging around homophobic losers.
Despite my personality on the intrawebs, I am deathly shy..which lead to all sorts of blown opportunities and “what if” moments. This year, I resolve to be less shy and more confident.
I’m really not shy at all, I love people!
… except possibly John McCain. >:-@
Also, I don’t think there is such a thing as “pretending to be interested in hummus”, hummus is too delicious for such blatant disregard. Om nom nom.
I try to tell myself these kind of things a lot but the shyness is here to stay (then again there’s a good chunk of social anxiety going on there too).
Anyway my recent new goal is to embrace awkward situations, try to find the hilarity in it, or at least recognize that it’s probably a two way street. Own the awkwardness.
Agreed, I think owning the awkwardness is the way to go!
It’s one thing to be shy, and it’s another thing to be ashamed of being shy. The thing that has helped me the most in overcoming my painful shyness is not so much trying to stop being shy as trying to stop feeling so bad about being shy.
I think shyness itself is pretty adorable, and most of the people I’ve had crushes on have been shy. I’d much rather get to know the girl by the hummus than the louder girl who is the life of the party. :)
Perfect way to put it. I’ve only just started to realize that it’s the being ashamed of being shy that hinders us more than the shyness itself. Just like most things in life I guess!
I love this comment.
I am much more likely to approach the girl by the hummus. The life of the party has a bazillion people competing for her attention. Rather than trying to yell to get someone’s attention and then have to fight to keep it, I would prefer to have a conversation with that really cute shy girl. What I’m saying is that we can be shy together ladies.
oh man, i needed this post more than ever. I used to rely on drinking to help me through these awkward situations, but now that I’ve given up the booze, I’m all on my own. And especially since I’m somewhat newly single (not quite “new”, but new to the part where I’m ready to date again), the shyness is even more of an obstacle. I have friends who attract girls like magnets, everywhere they go; even the straight girls flock to them. I, on the other hand, am definitely the girl entranced by the hummus. I’m pretty sure if my last ex hadn’t been extremely extroverted, I might never have ended up with her in the first place.
Definitely going to work on this issue as soon as the next social opportunity presents itself!
For me, my 2010 new years resolution has been the most effective way to get over shyness so far — it was to accept all invitations. and i actually stuck to it! this meant often arriving at parties/events on my own and going places where might only know the person who invited me and no-one else (which i never used to do). At first i was just pretending to be confident when i was talking to someone new, but by the end of the year i came to the realisation that i wasn’t pretending anymore :)
sadly, i’m still shy when it comes to talking to people i’m attracted to *sigh for this reason, i often find myself talking to guys when i go out. i met 3 very attractive personal trainers from california last weekend, but they were guys :( however, i did end up taking them to a gay bar by the end of the night :D
I have a ridiculous job (sometimes really awesome, other times really emotionally exhausting)that involves me acting chipper and interested in what customers are saying while simultaneously knowing the ingredients and benefits of the product that I am rubbing on their arm/foot/face. I love the products and believe in the company but my god the customers are so hard sometimes. As painful as learning how to interact with them has been, I’m glad I’m getting better at approaching strangers (not to mention touching them) and gracefully dealing with rude people. It’s given me more confidence to talk to people in my every day life! That being said, I really enjoyed this post. I sometimes need to remember to think of others and lay off the booze before starting a conversation.
I’ve gotten much better about talking to people and functioning in social situations, but I obsess over what I say or do or look like or whatever. I know it’s silly and people probably don’t even notice half the things I think they notice, but it’s a thing I have.
I have social anxeity, and im in therapy for it. this article really touches on how really hard it is and gives some really good advice. thanks!!
*scuttles back into bathroom*
i already like this just from the title. Let’s talk to each other, connect with each other one mammal at a time.
I was painfully shy as a child – to the extent that I would barely speak, and then, only if absolutely essential. Still consider myself to be fairly shy, but I’ve found that it is something that I have literally outgrown as I’ve gotten older (and with a bit of forced practice). Life’s too short, “shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you….” (am I showing my age too much here?), and all that.
Would also like to add that, as a result of my extreme and well-known shyness, my classmates nominated me to play Bashful Dwarf in a jr. high production of Snow White. Oh the horror!
I was shy. I pretended that I was confident and, you guys, it was a miracle. Not only did people fall for it (they will love you! You are hotter if you feel hot!), but I fell for it. After a while, I stopped holding back. I’m still an introvert, but a socially-adept one.
I know that I never believed that kind of advice before I tried it, but I’m serious – it worked for me.
as the great prophet tyra once said, “fake it till you make it”
See also: “Model through it.”
I’m good at faking confidence at work, but it doesn’t spill over into my non-work life
Well no one seems to be shying away from this topic…
Oh you just couldn’t resist could you–
No, I really couldn’t. I even tried walking away from the computer. It’s like some sort of pun tourettes.
One night I was at this party.
I knew nobody, I felt really awkward.
I looked around, found someone shyer then me…
We ended up having crazy sex all night long.
There is still hope ladies.
If that’s what being shy results in, let me stay shy forever!
It’s the quiet/shy ones u have to watch… They are nearly always th best in bed! I know cos… Wel let’s just say I know and leave it at that!!
* leans back in chair with a dirty smile and distant look back in to wank bank, then giggles *
ah man… I need to find another shy girl!!
I don’t know if I’m shy or just don’t care to talk to people as much as is normal. I do know that I only really get anxious when I’m faced with someone I think is… y’know cool and stuff.
Aw, I was super shy as a kid.. like got letters sent home from teachers who were concerned about my social skills kind of shy.
But then I discovered that I could crack jokes about the things that made me feel really uncomfortable about myself – like being poor or talking too loud in public or having typos in my email address – and people would overwhelmingly be like, OMG I DO THAT TOO, THAT’S SO FUNNY! and then love me forever.
I really enjoyed the post because it reaffirmed tactics I know but fail to use at times. Though the comments from this post were even more helpful because everyone was so honest about their angst but also supportive of one another. Yay for an awesome environment.
uhhhhmmmm… I wish I was shy. Then maybe I wouldn’t constantly be compelled to say stupid shit.
there’s a delicate line between shyness and SAD
Um… probably not the best time to say this… ahem… I don’t like hummus…
No, it’s okay, I’ll see myself out.
I am very shy. Sometimes i get anxiety, but i think it might not necessarily be an anxiety disorder that i have, because i put myself in social situations quit often.
one of my biggest hurdles is judging people i don’t know at face value AND my strong dislike for chit-chat and small-talk.
I am shy. People mistake this for me thinking I’m better than them. I’m really not! I just want to be friends! Seriously, it’s really hard for us shy folks to make real friends.
I can relate with a lot in this article and the comments.
On the other hand, I found the article, especially bits about how to battle shyness and whatnot, they came off odd and a bit judgy to me. Like being shy should be fixed or is a bad trait to have. Obvs some of ya’ll above don’t agree. I won’t say that I don’t practice things in my head a trgillion times before I say them and may have overblown expectations about social situations, but there seems to be a promotion of being social in a certain type of way.
As much as keeping those tips and formulas in the back of my head will help, the reductionist slant is a bit strong.