Holigays: Sexy, Sweet Gifts for Long Distance Relationships

Holigays 2019 Autostraddle

It’s no secret I was in a long distance relationship for a hot minute. Overall, it sucked! But also, there were parts of it that were really fun, really rewarding, and aspects of being long distance helped me learn more about my partner (and myself) (and us as a couple). Loving someone far away makes us flex our creativity to connect in new ways. We had to think out of the box when it came to dealing with time differences, longing for a bod we couldn’t touch, and ways we could keep in contact without constantly being glued to our phones.

Here’s some gifts to get your long-distance sweetie so you can feel close to them, even when they’re 1,730 miles (or more) away.


!!!!!!!!SEX!!!!!!!

We-Vibe Moxie (129.99)

Thank Satan for all the new app-controlled sex toys coming out into the world! My new fav is the We-Vibe Moxie and I think it’s a lot of fun for long distance exhibitionists. It’s a clitoral vibrator with a super strong magnet–great for wearing out mowing the lawn, at a dance night, or whatever your dirty desire might be. One person controls it while the other gets the pleasure. The We-Connect App has the ability for voice and video calls while the vibrator is being controlled as it’s definitely strong enough to be used just as a vibrator. Check out all of We-Vibe’s app-controlled vibrators though, they’ve got toys for all bodies.

Spa Night From Afar

Mint Chip Cooling Face Mask (15.99)

One way to make sure you’re both taking care of your own needs while being apart are gifts that make your partner stop and slow down. Bath bombs, face masks, candles, and skin care items are nice ways for you to help your partner pamper themselves. If you get yourself a matching set, you two can have a long distance spa night! Please, don’t use your phone while in the tub though, you WILL drop it.

Long Distance Movie Night!

Customized Snack Box($50.00+)

Curate your own snack box and send your babe some fancy popcorn and goodies to enjoy while y’all use Netflix Party to stream whatever terrible holiday movies Netflix releases this year.

Plants

Staghorn Fern (79.99)

Listen, all you homos love plants. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, I’ve read about it on this website. What’s a nicer way to make your partner feel comfortable and homey than with something living and green to care for.

A Last-Minute Flight!

YOLO (Varies)

Just cut to the chase and visit a new destination somewhere! Is this extremely reckless and expensive? You bet! Will you regret it after a few nights of being in a new place with your hunk of a partner? Probably not! Will you bone every night that you’re together? Priceless.

Let their hands do something else!

Tablet Stand ($9.49)

This is handy so you partner can do… other things with their hands while FaceTiming you other than hold the phone. Like cook. Or eat. Or…other things.

A Cozy Blanket to Lay on While They Daydream of You

Sherpa Blanket ($110.93)

Alternative idea: A weighted blanket.

Customized Jewelry With A Very Homosexual Pet Name

Custom Necklace ($9.94)

Give your partner something they can wear everyday with whatever gay moniker you gave them!

I'm a cartoonist living in Minneapolis. Co-Author and artist of A Quick And Easy Guide To They/Them Pronouns. Author of Grease Bats, coming out Fall 2019 with Boom! Studios! If I'm not working I'm socializing. If I'm not out with friends I'm drawing. If I'm not doing any of those things I'm probably depressed. Support me using Patreon.

Archie has written 94 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. Those ID chains look like recycled hardware parts making them found object jewelry and therefore even cuter to give to your sweetie or fuck buddy.
    Cause y’all found each other in this wide wild world.

  2. If y’all find yourself in the situation where it’s inter-continental long distance love:
    – A lot of Etsy sellers will allow you to purchase in your own country and ship to your Significant Other’s for no charge. ALL THE ENAMEL PINS.

    – Google Flights in incognito mode will allow you to check for the cheapest flights easily; the pro tip here is to PLAN at least 3 months in advance to secure the YOLO flight at an actual reasonable price.

    – Establishing an ’emergency flight fund’ (medical/threatening situation) that you regularly contribute to is sexy as heck – especially in the hellscape that is the current political situation.

    – Writing and sending actual letters in a hand-made/drawn/purchased card , forever.

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.