Another year, another set of movies I didn’t see and shows I don’t watch potentially winning awards! This year will be a special challenge for me because Wireimage has merged with Getty Images, therefore preventing normal people from paying a nominal fee in order to download non-watermarked images. Here are some of the nominees:
Best Picture – Drama
THE IDES OF MARCH
Best Picture – Comedy or Musical
MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
MY WEEK WITH MARILYN
Best Television Series – Drama
AMERICAN HORROR STORY (FX)
BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)
GAME OF THRONES (HBO)
Best Television Series – Comedy or Musical
MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
NEW GIRL (FOX)
Let’s get started!
4:47 PM: Did you hear that Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual got engaged to a dude? I considered writing about it on Autostraddle, but decided to jump into a pit of lions instead. I think I made the kinder, gentler choice.
Did you know that this dress actually slays dragons?
First it blinds them, then it sticks them into a washing machine until they explode in puffs! That’s where “Puff the Magic Dragon” came from. True story.
Tilda Swinton always looks like a Lesbian From the Future:
Dianna Agron is looking a little Inspired-by-Jenny-Schecter tonight:
Lea Michele and Dianna Agron:
Ricky Gervais is hosting. Is there anything less funny or less original than a Kim Kardashian joke? There isn’t. But is there anything better than a joke that makes a sly nod to Jodi Foster’s homosexuality? Yes, there is, but not so far tonight!
Mila Kunis, looking quite tan, along with a male human dude, announces that Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Dude in a Motion Picture for Beginner, in which “a young man is rocked by two announcements from his elderly father: that he has terminal cancer, and that he has a young male lover.” Therefore so far The Gays Have Won the Night!
Laura Dern wins Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy in a television show for Enlightened, which I have never seen. If you think this means the gays aren’t still winning, you’d be wrong, because Dern played a pivotal lesbian role in “The Puppy Episode” of the former TV sitcom Ellen, in which Ellen came out as a lesbian! It was a big deal.
The teleprompter broke! Awkward! Except not, because Julianne Moore could read the back of a cereal box and I’d still be totally captivated. Rob Lowe looks like he died inside a tanning bed.
So, Downtown Abbey wins for Best Miniseries/TV Film — I’ve been hearing a LOT about this show, are there lesbians in it? Sounds neat, like it’s about history or something.
Kate Winslet honestly is so beautiful she should have an entire wax museum devoted to her. Madame Winslet’s Wax Emporium of Rack and Face. In lieu of that, she apparently starred in a Miniseries/TV Movie called Mildred Pierce and has been rewarded for it. Gays are still winning because Dorothy Snarker is obsessed with Kate Winslet.
Wow, Kelsey Grammer is way older than he was in Frasier. Isn’t he a Republican or something? Anyhow, he won another award for being The Best Dude Among Dudes.
Homeland starring Angela Chase wins for Best Drama Series, this is actually the show on my list with my girlfriend for “the show we have to watch.” I’m not going to say anything about Melissa McCarthy‘s outfit. I mean right now I’m wearing a heather grey tank-top, a heather grey hoodie (a grossly-similar-yet-not combo I’d never sport in public), sweatpants from French Connection with FCUK on the ass (fading) and a frayed, broken drawstring, and a pair of the grey “socks” distributed to esteemed American Airline passengers when Visit Manchester flew me to their fine country. So, who am I to judge. I still love her.
Score Awards. How do you feel about Skor Bars? I feel like they’re underrated. So underrated that if you buy one, it’s really possible it’ll be fucked from sitting in the gas station since the 80s.
How is everybody. Do you feel entertained by this program?
1. I actually kinda liked The Help? It reminded me of a movie I would’ve been allowed to see in the 90s (because it was rated PG) and that if I had, my little heart would’ve been heartwarmed. But maybe also ignorant?
2. I think Bridesmaids is SO overrated. Y’all, women have been making fucking awesome comedies for years, do not act like women just got born this year ’cause you’ve not bothered to release any of their movies since like 2005.
Madonna just corrected herself when she said “who” and meant “whom.” She’s just a girl, you guys. Just a girl in the world. When the music tries to cut her off, she keeps talking, like in “Me Against the Music.”
I wish plastic surgery was illegal.
I am so much more excited about Smash than I am about whomever wins this award.
Idris Elba wins for Luther. You guys, IT’S STRINGER FUCKING BELL.
So grateful for that update on Seth Rogen’s penis! So Michelle Williams wins for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture (for that autobiographical movie Dawson Leary made, obviously).
“I consider myself a mother first, an an actress second,” says Michelle Williams, making me feel bad for the fact that I wish one of those other women who all of us would like to fingerbang had won (Kristen Wiig, Charlize Theron, Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet). Because you know. Because of Heath Ledger.
Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Geller — two women very familiar to the hearts and vaginas of so many women with hearts focused on vaginas — award Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones for Best TV Actor in a Supporting Role in a Thing.
George Clooney gives a shout-out to Brad Pitt, thank G-d, now I have an excuse to post this photograph:
I totally had my money on The Adventures of Tin-Tin. Steven Spielberg thanks his “partner, Peter Jackson.” Is there slash fic on this topic?
Ewan McGregor — raise your hand if you still associate him with:
b) Moulin Rouge
I like how Nicole Kidman is being so honest in her delivery about her lack of desire to be on this stage reading those lines. Also I love that she’s made her dress so confusing that nobody could possibly like or dislike it.
Woody Allen didn’t bother to show up to win Best Director for Midnight in Paris.
I think Felicity Huffman wrapped herself in really expensive packing tape and honestly, it looks fucking AMAZING. You GO, Felicity. YOU GO.
HEY-O so smokin’ hot lesbian Sarah Paulson is sitting next to Jessica Lange, who just won for American Horror Story.
bcw: “OH MY GOD IT’S QUEEN LATIFAH AND HER GIRLFRIEND — wait just kidding, that’s Mary J Blige… only Queen Latifah could take Mary J Blige to an award show and still look like she’s bearding.”
Madonna: “If I’m still just like a virgin, Ricky, then why don’t you come over here and do something about it? I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years… on TV.”
WOW! This is how that went for me:
“If I’m still just like a virgin, Ricky, then why don’t you come over here and do something about it”
“…I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years…”
Oh BUT. Claire Danes. I mean it’s. She can thank her parents like she forgot to do the first time. For My So-Called Life. And I just. I mean. Can you? I know. It’s just. It’s just so. For Homeland. But also you know.
Emily Blunt just said the word “poop”
Jane Lynch and Tina Fey. The Godddess is smiling upon you.
Tina Fey: “I am nothing like Liz Lemon, I just can’t think of any examples to prove it.”
OMG it’s Octavia Spencer winning for the movie I secretly really liked, The Help. Also her dress is really nice and is lavender, which is a color I’m fond of w/r/t dresses. Not for me, but for other ladies.
About six of the presenters tonight give off the impression of a family that just got back from vacation in Myrtle Beach, during which they forgot sunscreen. And they all look really hot now, but also y’all know they’re gonna peel.
This Morgan Freeman award has been the awesomest part of the night because it involved a lot of movies that I love like Seven and The Shawshank Redemption.
Modern Family just won the best thing! Probably same-sex marriage is legal now.
Oh also, obviously:
And I think she wrote that before Claire Danes.
Jessica Biel, it was the fact that I had 10 pictures of you over my bed that led a male sleepover buddy to tell me “I think you’re more than just HALF a fag,” (that was his super-special way of saying “you’re not bisexual, you’re gay!”) And now there you are on stage wearing a tablecloth stolen from hell.
Oh wow, Rooney Mara is really striking.
MERYL STREEP FTW. Oh hey — remember why you love women? And remember why you love movies? There she is.
OMG MERYL STREEP CALLED OUT PARIAH WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR LIKE 56 AWARDS TONIGHT AND THE LEAD ACTRESS IN PARIAH SHOULD’VE BEEN NOMINATED AND LADIES AND FUCKING GENTLEMEN, MERYL FUCKING STREEP.
You know I feel like ultimately the reason people always go over the music is because even though it’s like this huge corny cheesy thing, these people were all in the elementary school talent show once.
Can you tell that I started drinking at 5:15
Leonardo DiCaprio — who, btw, I was OBSESSED with in a way I cannot even put into words, back when he looked like a girl — is always nominated for something. George Clooney won the award. For ER. HE WAS SO GOOD IN ER!
I mean, for The Descendants.
Big news — Haviland “Rising Star” Stillwater has informed me that tonight Pan Am is gonna have lesbian action in it! She told me this like 6 days ago, I just remembered.
The Descendants just won for best movie about descendants! Or Best Drama of all time EVER!
Can we make an awards show that’s just for women or boys-who-looked-like-girls-in-the-90s? Because it’s only 8pm and I am already drunk.
Is it a thing that we don’t comment until you’re done? Like you don’t clap during a symphony performance until the piece is completely over? Cos that Tilda Swinton comment was FULL of win and I can’t believe I’m first to comment on it.
And Sophia Vergara = yum.
ongoing comments are crucial to my passion for the job, comment as often and at whichever time you would like
I’m not watching because I’m about to go to bed, but someone on Twitter just described Elle Macpherson as looking like Gary Busey in a mermaid costume. I thought you’d appreciate this.
I have seen like none of these movies and the only TV shows I really watch are Glee and Pretty Little Liars so I’m completely in this for the pretty. And this, because AS live blogs are the best live blogs.
Tilda Swinton is staggeringly beautiful.
Tilda Swinton turned me gay, no lie.
“david bowie’s there?!” = me upon seeing tilda. wooops
Madame Winslet’s Wax Emporium of Rack and Face sounds awesome. I would so go.
Kate Winslet’s boobs in Titanic were instrumental in my gay awakening. I would so go too.
omg. that movie came out when i was in 8th grade. i went to see it three times–with a boy, a coed group of friends, and my family. so.many.feelings. that feeling of “wow, boobs, this is beautiful. boobs. wait–do i like this? i can’t like this. boobs. can i like this?”
At first I deluded myself into thinking I was into Leo but really I was obsessed with Kate. I talked about her so much that one time this 10-year-old girl I babysat for was like, “What are you, a lesbian?” And was like, “NO WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT WORD DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?” True story.
Dear Kate Winslet and Girlish Leo DiCaprio,
I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and and we’d all eat and be happy and you’d have all of my babies.
Me and The Repentant Iceberg
Late to the party, but like, her young boobs are going to be in 3D at an IMAX screen near you.
See you all there.
Downton abbey is a must watch! No lesbians, but lots of pretty ladies, and badass too. You can find plenty of subtext too
I love Downton Abbey! sometimes I imagine the characters are lesbians, but nope. I appreciate the feminist parts of the plot, though.
I just marathon-ed Downton Abbey on a horrible long plane flight. Somewhere 6 or 7 hours in I managed to hallucinate that Lady Sybil the suffragette and Gwen the housemaid and would be secretary continued the train of action initiated by their frequent handholding and ran off into the middle distance to became bluestockings, riding scandalous bicycles and chaining themselves to fences (but not throwing themselves under the King’s horse), before morphing to become the bi-species Victorian lesbian couple from Doctor Who. At that point I woke up.
I smell a spin-off…
oooohhh if there’s anything i hate more than text, it’s subtext
it makes me feel like, JUST DO IT ALREADY
life is chock-full of subtext
fiction should be so fully text
Heather Morris, where you at, girl?
Someone tweeted that they were behind her in line at Disneyland. She didn’t go to the awards.
Ah, crap, I’ve been misinformed. Cross that.
I can’t wait for Smash!
I feel like it’s going to be either really good or really bad.
Just got really excited Idris Elba won because I’ve been watching The Wire and he was so good in it.
Does Michelle Williams always show up with Busy Phillips? Have I just never noticed this?
Every awards show I’ve watched where she has been in attendance that seems to be the trend with Busy.
i feel like joey potter would have mixed feelings about this
Piper Perabo is so much cuter now that I know her name is pronounced “per-a-boo”
Jessica Lange was super hot you guys.
Claire Danes for the win!
omg Spock wins everything
i was hoping someone would remark upon that so i’d have a legitimate reason to comment. this old country doctor is pleased.
**raises hand** b. Moulin Rouge
And everytime I see Whitney Houston, I hear “Bobbaaaaay!”
Gotta love Tina Fey camera bombing Amy Poehler
Why does Matt LeBlanc have gray hair when I’m supposed to picture him eternally as Joey on Friends
Hate to break it to you, but he had gray hair back then too. He had to dye it for the series.
aah! The More You Know
The only presenter combo better than Tina + Jane would’ve been Ellen + Sophia. (Penis joke!)
I think Tilda Swinton looks like a cross between a lesbian from the future and David Bowie from the past. Maybe that’s the same thing?
Riese, I want to give you an award for the best use of gifs, re: Spock’s reaction to kissing girls no on tv.
I logged in just to say SKOR BARS YES OMG YES. That is all.
right? nobody even talks about SKOR BARS
they are really good frozen. someone should do a top 10 candy bars we ate when we were kids. mmm whatchmacallits #munchies
Man, that reminded me of the frozen Charleston Chews my Dad always kept in the freezer. MEEEEEMOOOORIEEEES.
That somebody is AUTOSTRADDLE. And I will take a Tiger’s Milk bar because my parents tried to raise me healthy.
(it’s foul shit, though).
My mom loves Skor bars and I sometimes bring them to her, usually via a gas station or Walgreens.
You guys, I’ve seen like 3 of these things but I came to this liveblog out of respect for the fantastic title it has been given.
“I’ve seen him punch a blind kitten”
Ricky Gervais is cracking me up for reals
YOU GUYS MERYL STREEP JUST GAVE PARIAH A SHOUT OUT.
Woah, Meryl Streep mentioned Pariah as an award deserving movie in her acceptance speech
what is this weird black and white silent film winning all the awards? hollywood foreign press is feeling nostalgic: first the 1990’s and now the 1890’s.
Who else screamed and clapped maniacally when Meryl gave a shout out to Adepero Oduye?
I started drinking at 10:00am…
So what are you all eating right now? I want a taco. But not like a taco from a Mexican restaurant. A taco made using the taco packet from the store and ground beef with American cheese on top. Now you can yell at me about how that’s not actually a taco but I’m fine with that.
cheez-its and this rum
I was eating peanut butter right out of the jar. (I had crackers at first but then I ran out of crackers.) I should probably stop that now and go to bed.
When you said ‘But not like a taco from a Mexican restaurant,’ my mind immeds went to inappropriate places
froot loops and beer
that sounds really good.
dude, no. it is totally normal to crave the weird americanized taco.
it is a different, tasty animal.
The taco is the most versatile fruit!
Hahahaha, obsessed with Leonardo back when he looked like a girl…. Yup. Sounds about right. My wife and I have both said that fondly at one time or another.
jesus christ rooney mara is so fucking hot.
I feel like a Meryl Streep shoutout is the equivalent of 10,000 Golden Globes, in a sort of cosmic sense. So, Pariah wins everything.
my tv is freaking out because the show is going long- flashes of commercials and the 11 o’clock news keep showing up
I just love this so much.
6:14 PM: Rule 34.
Ewan McGregor = Obi One hell to the yeah Kenobi.
Naya Rivera is just… I just want her to be my baby’s mama.
Also I keep reading the title to the tune of My Favorite Things and it’s amazing.
oh god the whole l word theme can be sung to my favorite things. riese what did you just do!?
if this doesn’t receive some sort of comment award, i will be severely disappointed
if i get a comment award i may post an mp3 of it.
sing it. it’ll end up being our anthem. do it as an act of nationalistic pride.
I’d use it as my ringtone! xD
oh my fucking god you’re totally right
MY MIND IS BLOWN. Does an mp3 of this happening exist? It needs to exist.
i made an mp3.
FUCK. NO. WHY.
I can’t believe you just did that to my brain. There’s no going back.
Is it just me or has Claire Danes gotten even better looking?
It can’t be just me!
She really has.
Can we talk about Rooney Mara? Because her setting my gaydar off in spite of probably legitimately being straight is driving me insane. It’s like seeing something out of the corner of your eye, like a coat rack or a mannequin (hey Rick Perry!) and thinking it’s a person, and then you check to see that it isn’t, but then five seconds later your eye plays the exact same trick on you and you have to go through the “Person? No coat rack,” mental exercise again. It doesn’t help that she pings harder to me IRL than she did as Lisbeth. But she apparently has a real, non-famous boyfriend. Anywhoo…I’m sure I’m probably in the minority on this one.
I say we all pool money to provide Riese constant alcohol so she may get drunk and make hilarious drunk commentary all the time.
Honestly I’ve never watched the Golden Globes Awards but thank you for this liveblog! Although I’m kinda disappointed with Evan Rachel Wood bisexual, nothing beats Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep and Pariah (though I haven’t seen it, lol).
KATE WINSLET MERYL STREEP AND PARIAH FTW FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
I randomly tuned in to Pan Am tonight because of this post, only to see Ashley Greene kiss Christina Ricci.
I may or may not have lost my shit.
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST
I still don’t get all the Downton Abbey love. I’ve had approximately 17,000 people tell me how brilliant it is, and when I finally tried to watch the 6 episodes a friend forced on me, I was bored out of my mind.
It’s good, but pretty derivative, just Gosford Park and Upstairs Downstairs in a blender. We’ve seen this pony before.
I thought Mildred Pierce was brilliant. I’d slowly been falling for Winslet since The Reader, the last of my friends not to have a thing for her…but that finished me.
Gawd, I am sick of British shows being described as “miniseries” just because they have fewer episodes per season than shows in the U.S.
I don’t care if each season is only six episodes long, if there’s a new season the next year then it’s NOT A FUCKING MINISERIES.
That is all.
“movies that I love like Seven…”
I am so happy someone else loves this movie. Seen it about fifty times.
I am very concerned about this development re: stock images.
Will this mean a severe depletion in the amount of celebrity photos overlaid with meme-ready all-caps musings on their sexuality?
oh no, it’s not about stock images. that’s the same. wireimage is a service that releases photos from events and they do so rapidly; like we can add pictures to the Oscars post from the oscars as we write it. for like $16 a month, a person could access the wireimage photos without watermarks. for like a billion dollars a month, a news organization or whatnot can access the wireimage photos without watermarks. now the $16 a month option is gone, so either you take the watermarked photos or you need to be like the new york times.
stock images is a whole different thing. and it’s the same.
Ewan McGregor will always be young Obi Wan Kenobi to me.
The way he says yes master spawned 1,0000 + slash fics.
Let’s all stay calm here, but I just thought I’d let you all know the night before last I had a dream that I was having dinner with Meryl Streep and we talked about Pariah. In conclusion, I.CAN.TELL.THE.FUTURE.
(I am not staying calm right now. About to start writing my memoirs.)
DOWNTON NOT DOWNTOWN
I just love masterpiece theater so much
Love Tilda Swinton more than words.
I didn’t watch the awards but reading this I feel like I watched it all. Awesome live blogging! And I also totally thought I was back in the 90s for a minute, what with all the 90s stars winning things.
Also, I am dying to watch Pariah. Dying. Like I so want to watch it that although I am not out my used-to-trying-for-impossible-things mind is already wondering if there is any way I can get my uni’s LGBTQ organization, the minority students group in my department and the town council to work on showing the film on-campus or in town. Otherwise, who knows when it will come to this part of the country.
I didn’t watch the awards but reading this I feel like I watched it all. Awesome live blogging! And I also totally thought I was back in the 90s for a minute, what with all the 90s stars winning things.
Also, I am dying to watch Pariah. Dying. Like I so want to watch it that although I am not out my used-to-trying-for-impossible-things mind is already wondering if there is any way I can get my uni’s LGBTQ organization, the minority students group in my department and the town council to work on showing the film on-campus or in town. Otherwise, who knows when it will come to my neck of the woods here in the US.
OMG Uggie though.
That is all.
But instead though I associate Ewan McGregor with Velvet Goldmine and general smoldering glittery gayness.
Oh man Peter Dinklage did that magical thing where I can’t read the books and imagine Tyrion as I did before I saw the TV series. Guy totally makes that char for me. Also Meryl and Kate. Eternal win right there.
“4:47 PM: Did you hear that Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual got engaged to a dude? I considered writing about it on Autostraddle, but decided to jump into a pit of lions instead. I think I made the kinder, gentler choice.”
That’s not a very nice comment to bisexuals reading this article. Please be glad for her sake. Not judge her for who she loves! The world needs less of this comments, and more of acceptance and blessings.
Be happy for her. :)
I suspect that her point was that any article about bisexuality has resulted in people getting all crazy and a few folks making biphobic comments, and so she wanted to avoid that, especially because a bisexual female celebrity getting engaged to a man just “proves the point” of a lot of those biphobic people.
Riese is definitely not biphobic, do a little research before you comment.
yup willis is exactly right, i was joking about how every time we write about a bisexual woman shacking up with a man we end up with a 300-comment flame war chock-full of biphobia.
thanks willis :-)
Riese!! I have such a crush on you!!! ^^ If u ever come to South America, call me!! :-D that’s all i wanted to say…
I just realized I double posted earlier. I apologize for that. The first time I got some error message when I submit so I thought it didn’t post. I copy everything before I hit a submit button on a form message (because I am paranoid) so I was able to re-try and re-paste quickly and only changed a few words. Felt so proud about that…until I discovered that I had indeed double posted. Sadness.
I still like the roundup and I am still especially happy about the Pariah shout-out. Maybe that will make more cities/places show it!