Episode 202 GLEE Recap: It’s Britney/Brittany, B*tch

Full disclosure: I’m writing this from a bubble bath and my N-key keeps sticking so this is literally a labor of love for you guys.

Last week we met two potential new Glee kids — Sunshine the Philippina Wondersinger ChildstarGenius and “Chord Overstreet,” the lovechild of Justin Bieber & Justin Taylor, who I’d like to call “Justin Squared” — and saw both young dreamers get a bit sidelined by Finn & Rachel.  The important thing to know here is that neither new kid showed up this week, so all the Justin Squared jokes I prepared while making my wholesome, life affirming dinner of grilled cheese and Ruffles are useless here.

So, this week the Gleeks decide they wanna be “current.” Specifically, they’d like to do Britney Spears, a dream which Schuester squashes like a giant slimy bug with the shoe of his vocabulary and love for Christopher Cross/Michael Bolton.

Mr. Shu: Can you tell me who Christopher Cross is?
Brittany: He discovered America.

I had a similar theory. Anyhow, I grew up mocking Britney while listening to 90’s college rock – even when 1999 had closed down shop – so perhaps this explains my surprise when she’s considered relevant. (Meanwhile the entire Autostraddle editorial board has been looking forward to this episode with words like “epic” and “greatest television moment of all time” and perhaps Alex & Riese broke several New Jersey speed limits, made a few U-Turns and almost killed a man at Wendy’s to make it home for this triumphant musical experience.) So, I’m going to hop in my TARDIS and go back to that glorious time.

Brittany doesn’t want to do Britney Spears, ’cause she’s been living in Britney’s shadow all her life due to their phoenetically similar names. (Britney S. Pierece = say that ten times fast). Will’s anti-Brit-Brit and now Brittany’s giving him an excuse which he’ll run with all the way to the crappy car he will replace later in this episode, but basically he’s stuck in the past… I mean, Britney Spears is “morally questionable.” Hm.

We meet Uncle Jesse (his name is, apparently, “Carl,” but here he’s Uncle Jesse, k?), Emma’s dentist boyfriend who is very orange and talks to Emma like she’s four and helps her enjoy a variety of colored grapes. He’s gonna make ALL YOUR PLAQUE BLUE WITH A PILL so he can see how crappily you brush. Rachel has gross teeth. So does Brittney, who gargles with Dr. Pepper.

Cue music! Brittany lands in Uncle Jesse’s chair (I should call him Dr. Uncle Jesse out of respect) and has a under-anesthetic hallucination-dream-thing where she reenacts multiple iconic Britney fashion statements while singing “I’m A Slave 4 U.” Including the snake. [I hate snakes. My childhood snake trauma comes from growing up in the rural south, where sometimes they’d end up in the house and my grandmother would kill them with brooms. WITH. BROOMS.]

This is much sexier:

Brittany’s teeth are so bad she needs a second dentist visit, but she brings her girlfriend I MEAN BEST FRIEND Santana this time although Santana doesn’t need dental care.

Getting stoned on whatever the hell dentist-gas they used is the new huffing/sudafed guys. Really expensive huffing for people with good dental insurance.

(At this point the Autostraddle Editors have completely abandoned their laptops and are sitting, mouths agape and heads exploding with delight, saying things like “omg” and “this is happening.”)

brittany-santana-against-the-music

This time they jointly hallucinate a reenactment of the “Me Against the Music” video, which is like… super lesbionic, except the random dudes they keep throwing in. I cry into the cookie dough I’m eating. Then Brittany hallucinates Britney is talking to her and it’s pretty clear that Brittany wants to get commitment-ceremonied to Britney, amirite?

brittany-santana-against-the-music2

Meanwhile, in the Rachel Berry School of Boyfriend Possession we learn that football isn’t part of the core curriculum. She likes being the only thing that makes Finn “happy” (despite the fact that he’s miserable and being bullied by the same homophobes who harassed Kurt last year, because this is what everyone wants from their high school experience).

Brittany & Santana swing by to let Rachel know she dresses like “the bait girls on To Catch a Predator.” Finn laughs ’cause it’s kinda true.

This means Rachel’s gotta visit the dentist, have her own gas-induced dream of reenaccting the “Baby One More Time” video and subsequently rocks the sexy schoolgirl outfit to school the next day, which totally kills the “bait girl” look. (Also Real Britney makes one of three cameos:)

baby one more time gleeFinn freaks out and tries to cover Rachel up. I want to hand these two a pamphlet on Healthy Relationships For Teens with “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG” written on the front in marker. Unfortunately the only available pamphlets in Emma’s office are about “Hair Down There.”

Will ends up in Dr. Uncle Jesse’s Group Hallucination Chair, where they try to out-bro each other but lack quality hallucinations.

Will says he won’t stop trying to steal Dr. Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend unless Emma shows interest. He rides a teeny tiny sparklebug of hope to the car dealership and gets something yellow and shiny.

Sue, having found the blog-boy naked masturbating in the library to Rachel Berry fantasies, brings Will into the caf for a one-on-one in which she attempts to throw a rock in the still, shallow, yet beautiful, pond that is this episode.

BUT WILL WANTS TO GET WILD and go against Sue’s advice, sweaty ass-stains be damned! This is how I make my decisions, too, Will: I look in the mirror and think of my greatest enemies and ask myself, “What would Sean Hannity/Dave Matthews/Judge Judy/the people that invented Pepsi do?” And then I do the opposite.

If you thought Will rapping was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet, because now he’s gonna perform ‘Toxic” with New Directions. It’s a great little performance if you totally forget that Will hip-pumping Santana is the creepiest thing I’ve ever witnessed on this show.

Of course this performance sends the children into a Britney Spears sex riot and lest she allow her own head explode into a KY Intense Blob of Pre-Adolescent Hormonal Toxic Desire, Sue pulls the fire alarm.

Obviously it wouldn’t be an episode of Glee without Sue threatening to ruin Glee in another fashion for the 5011th time. Unfortunately for her, Will Schuester is a cyborg and will never die, even if his funding gets cut 23% and the entire Broadway cast of Xanadu joins Vocal Adrenaline.

HOW IT ALL ENDS UP: Artie ends up on the football team after a rendition of “Stronger” – who cares how it happens, IT HAPPENS. There are at least two other Britney cameos, like this one:

Glee-Britney-Spears-Brittany

Finn makes it back on too, which pisses off Rachel, who tells him that he has to choose between football and her. SOMEONE HAND ME THAT PAMPHLET NOW.

Quinn approaches Finn and wants to get back together and Finn says no and at first I’m going did you just screw Quinn out of every ounce of character development that she earned last year? Except no! It’s a test. Rachel asked Quinn to test Finn’s love for her. …oh.

Will Freaking Schuester moans about something I wasn’t actually listening to about how his life is meaningless without Emma.

Rachel closes out the ep with Paramore song and a special Jordan Catalano/Angela Chase holding-hands-in-the-hallway moment.

All the girls sing along. Quinn gives Puck a meaningful look that somehow relates to the song or whatever. Next week’s episode is about spirituality; time to pull our souls out of the closet and make up for alll the homosexy material this week with a big dose of damnation.

I sprung forth, fully formed, from the brain of awesome.

Ashleigh has written 3 articles for us.

54 Comments

  1. hottest episode of glee to date. more half naked brittany please! i was slightly confuzzled as to why they introduced all those new characters last week and hardly mentioned any of them (the new football coach only had like, two lines!)
    oh well.
    “it’s britney … bitch”

  2. Gotta disagree- I loved the Finn and Rachel stuff and I think the fact that despite their problems, they work them out because they love each other and want to be together instead of just giving up is a better marker of that healthy relationship.

    • IDK though. I’m usually all for people addressing their issues, but what actually happened in this ep?

      – Rachel told Finn she didn’t trust him to be on the football team because she thought he might cheat
      – Finn told Rachel she shouldn’t wear clothes that he found sexually provocative because it wasn’t “safe” (… fill in my opinion of this here)
      – Rachel told him she didn’t want to control him anymore, but only because she thought he wouldn’t get back on the team, so she could keep wearing the clothes while pretending not to control his behaviour
      – Then he got back on the team so she ditched the clothes and told him to pick between her and football (for NO REASON)
      – Then she GOT QUINN TO TEST HIM UGH UGH UGH
      – THEN she was like oh OK Finn, I trust you now!!!!!

      What wasn’t addressed? – Finn wanting to control the way Rachel dressed – the fact that cheating isn’t contextual and is the symptom, not the disease – Rachel’s lack of trust for Finn.

      They didn’t fix any of their problems, they just decided they didn’t exist. But next time Rachel wants to dress up or Rachel sees Finn hanging out with a girl, the same problems are going to flare up, because the underlying issues weren’t resolved.

      • I feel like Rachel’s thing is all pat of her being a sort of blown-up parody of herself character. She’s not really a serious person, I think everything about her is over-the-top, including her insecurity about Finn. I guess actually all the characters are like this — they don’t hold back their feelings despite how ridiculous and destructive they are — Sue obviously is a primo example of this, as are Santana and Brittany… everyone is very up front about all their feelings, no matter how shallow or transparently fucked up these feelings are.

  3. I used to proper love Glee, but like most of the people who we’re supposed to like, and who are supposed to be all nice and stuff are actually idiots, and it just makes me really angry.
    I still love it for Brittany, Santana and Sue, but if someone doesn’t punch Will in the face I will find a way to.
    Just sayin’

  4. My main issue with Glee has always been that, in my opinion, the main characters (Rachel, Finn, and Mr. Schuester) are annoying while the side characters are 100% times more enjoyable. I like how this article subtly, and not so subtly at times, conveyed that especially the dysfunction that is Rachel and Finn.

  5. This review is like sunshine and plushies. I feel Finn and Rachel’s relationship can be summed up in the grand tradition of almond Joy and Mounds commercials: sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. (But most of the time they do.) Also I love Brittany and Santana a lot.

  6. haha Hilarious recap! You got so much more out of this show than I did, but to be honest the story lines in Glee make me crazy so I only watch it for the music (kinda like men only get Playboy for the articles, I guess 😉 )
    Compared to last season I thought this episode was pretty risque. Wonder if the network got any complaints.
    Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

  7. Loved the recap, loved how you just weren’t blinded by the hot dancers and called out the show on its ridiculousness in a loving way:P But seriously, in my health class we’re covering unhealthy/abusive relationships, and Rachel and Finn’s relationship is a perfect example

  8. I am not embarrassed to admit that while I do appreciate all of your critical commentary, I was definitely blinded by the hot dancers and the gay and wondering how on earth this aired on network tv and i loved this episode x 1000

  9. This was my favourite part of this: KY Intense Blob of Pre-Adolescent Hormonal Toxic Desire.

    Overall, I didn’t enjoy the music aspect of this episode. I WAS REALLY REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT. And I wasn’t disappointed. I just thought Toxic was the only song that was performed really well vocally. But that’s not what matters, anyway. What matters is that Brittany is a really crazy, amazing dancer and I enjoyed watching her.

    Also, I would like to see Uncle Jesse in every single episode of everything ever. All the time.

  10. Has anyone else noticed that Chris Colfer can pull off a skirt? You go, Kurt.

    Will says he won’t stop trying to steal Dr. Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend unless Emma shows interest.

    Will actually said that he would back off unless Emma started leaning his way. And then he didn’t back off. Surprise!

  11. I have watched Me Against the Music at least 7 times since the episode popped up on Hulu this morning at 5:37 am. This is not counting the near dozen times I watched the preview when it showed up last weekend. This is my new drug.

    Are you ready?

  12. ngl, I totally watched the Slave 4 U sequence about seven times. Before I even finished watching the episode.

    “Will Schuester is a cyborg and will never die, even if his funding gets cut 23% and the entire Broadway cast of Xanadu joins Vocal Adrenaline.”

    TRUTH. I will now refer to Mr. Schu as a cyborg.

  13. Great recap. Uncle Jessie will never not be Uncle Jessie.
    Brittany completely stole the Britney show. I really didn’t care about anybody else she was that good.
    Also I feel jipped, I went to the dentist for root canal work yesterday & I didn’t get the gas or end up in a Britney video!

  14. I totally loved how Brittany and Santana were featured. I found Rachel slightly annoying last night as well. I am not much for Emma either. Heather Morris did a great job 🙂 This was one of my favorite episodes.

  15. Dear Heather Morris: I love you. You’re pretty, and you were on SYTYCD for a second back in the day. You are my #1 Brittany. Love Taylor

    Also, I don’t know if anyone else cares about this, but Mark Kanemura (of SYTYCD and Lady Gaga music video/tour fame) was in the Me Against the Music sequence!

  16. My head may have exploded from the awesomeness of “me against the music,” all I want to do is watch it on repeat endlessly.

    I hate Shue with the passion of a thousand burning suns. Britney Spears is too risqué so he wants them to perform a song by someone I’ve never heard of (that Cross person) and then seriously mentions Michael Bolton as an option, wtf. He’s the worst possible choice to be picking the music for the group cause he has horrible taste in music.

  17. Justin Squared is the most spot-on thing I’ve ever read. That is Sam to a T. 🙂 Great recap! Brittany was totally amazing in this episode, and that picture you posted of her…thank you. 🙂

  18. ………….I love you. Seriously. Every word of this recap is gold.

    I haven’t actually watched this episode yet, but I plan to sometime in the next couple days. It disappoints me that we don’t see more of the new characters because I really really loved Coach Biest (or however you spell it, idk XD) and Sunshine. Justin Squared = most perfect description ever. It also makes me realize that’s probably why I had such an instant dnw reaction to him…because he reminds me of Bieber. D:

    Also, I completely agree with your commentary on Will. Nothing productive to add, just letting you know we are sharing thoughts. :3

  19. I love your recap. I laughed out loud.

    I’ve had a love/hate relationship with this show since it started. And this Britney episode almost gave me split personality disorder, I think. There’s such a big part of me that loves the sexy dancing and inane lyrics, but my brain just won’t let me fully enjoy it. At least not raging feminist social commentating free. What’s a girl to do?

  20. Did anyone else notice the smoking hot girl with the alternative lifestyle haircut, and suspenders back-ground dancing in brittany’s first brittney fantasy?
    WHOAAAAAAAA NELLLY this episode had so many really hot girls.
    (I think she’s in the back of the picture of Britt and Santana getting all grindy)

    • dear god, i couldn’t stop staring at that girl! brittany & santana were both wonderfully distracting in their own right, but my eyes were on her every time she showed up.

      SO MUCH FODDER FOR AUTOSTRADDLING FANTASIES IN THIS EPISODE. it’s beautiful.

  21. OMG.
    Brittany with the snake.
    Brittany and Santana.
    That girl in the green hoodie with the AMAZING abs dancing in the hit me baby one more time video with Rachel.

    My head almost exploded from all the sexy.

  22. While watching this episode, I noticed that I have never actually NOTICED Brittany in any group performance ever. This must be the case, otherwise I would have been totally blown away by her dancing.
    I loved this episode, y’know, independent of the plot. I need more Brittany in my life.

  23. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HAVE FEELINGS. And they’re lusty.
    I am watching this episode right now. I mean, it’s paused. At 18:26. LOOK AT THAT GIRL’S ABS. During the Britney basketball court/sports bra dance. Green hoodie back right. I am going to marry that woman. Or at least lick vodka out of her bellybutton, so help me Tegan & Sara.
    #gaysogayrightnowgay.

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