Glee Episode 506 Recap: Movin’ Out Of F*cks To Give

Back at the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, Sam confesses to Rachel that his true dream in life is to be a male model.

I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling? No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.

Sam’s been dreaming a little specific dream wherein he’s chillin’ out maxin’ on a bench with a douchey hairstyle when a bus drives by, plastered in a photograph of Sam in his skivvies.

re-thinking his decision to eat all that cheez-whiz and chili earlier

re-thinking his decision to eat all that cheez-whiz and chili earlier

i look very shane today

i look very shane today

yeah dude, that's why i'm charging $220 an hour

more specifically, it’s similar in size to a PT Cruiser

Rachel hands him a giant plate of starchy carbohydrates and assures him they’ll pull off a winning photoshoot that’ll snag him all kinds of gigs that’ll make his junk look as big as various automobiles.


We then ride a bus plastered in photographs of a shirtless Sam Evans all the way back to Lima, where Artie’s moved onto Step Four of Glee’s Unwelcome Life Intervention: The Serenade. As per tradition, Artie has selected a song with romantic overtones, the content of which he will shortly re-define.

i can't believe i'm missing degrassi for this

i can’t believe i’m missing degrassi for this

See for yourself:
http://youtu.be/cycfmQOLFA4

Becky’s afraid of going to college because she’s afraid everybody will make fun of her. Artie assures her that there’ll be plenty of new friends, teachers and counselors there to support and love her, and he’ll have her back too even though he’ll be TEN BILLION MILES AWAY AT FAKE TERRIBLE FILM SCHOOL IN NEW YORK.


Meanwhile in the cafeteria, Marley peels potatoes with her Mom and mopes about New Puck being a big jerk and acting like he’s the victim and putting flowers in her locker and overall being a useless character taking up space on this show that would be better filled by scissoring lesbians.  Mom’s proud of Marley for denying New Puck the right to dip his stinger in her honeypot.

Mom: “Your first time is something that you can never get back honey, you need to hold out for a good guy this time, and not just somebody you have feelings for, but somebody you can trust.”

omg

i said i wanted a junior mint in my mouth not down the back of my shirt you insolent child!


We then sprint gallantly in tiny shorts all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel’s found a nice lesbian to take photographs of her studly future male model friend Samuel Evans.

aw he's cute... for a boy

awww he’d look so much cuter as a lesbian

Rachel basically does a Haviland Stillwell impression for the entire scene, during which Sam really struts his stuff, makes facial expressions, and so forth.

now i'm just putting two tiny tracker devices in your chest, that will help the capital keep track of you while you're in the arena

now i’m just putting two tiny tracker devices in your chest, that will help the capital keep track of you while you’re in the arena


 

Still exhausted from our prior sprint, we return to Lima, Ohio, home of the Hunan Garden Chinese Restaurant, where Sue Sylvester’s offering Artie an ear douche because he obviously didn’t hear her when she told him “to stop meddling in the affairs of one Becky Jackson.”

do you see this, artie? until five minutes ago, i was storing this sucker allll up in my rectum. and now it's gonna make itself a new home in your ear.

do you see this, artie? until five minutes ago, i was storing this sucker allll up in my rectum. and now it’s gonna make itself a new home in your ear.

Artie patronizingly informs Sue that Becky’s totes into college and he’ll be taking her to visit the University of Cincinnati this weekend. Sue backs down and demands a full report, and then we cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Ryder begs Marley to go out with him ’cause he’s got good family values and knows how to read.

come on just look for me and tell me if you think it's razor burn or something worse

come on please i just need you to beard for me this one little time, there’s an open bar, it’ll be fun I promise, and my boyfriend won’t even be there

Marley-Kate says she needs a little break from men, which unfortunately doesn’t mean “I’m gonna clamdive with Tina.” Then Ryder sings “Innocent Man” and everybody looks super awkward about it, because they know that he’s gay. Just kidding. OR AM I?

http://youtu.be/eU5KPtmxmW4

Anyhow, Marley-Kate says she’ll go out with him, so you can scoot back off the edge of your seat now.

who wants to pull my finger????

who wants to pull my finger???? and/or throw a junior mint in my mouth?


We then put on our windbreakers and track pants, tie up our brand-new tan Easy Spirits and mall-walk our way all the way back to New York, New York, where Kurt’s helping his future husband Blaine Warbler pick an outfit for his Fake Julliard audition.

You know just the other day I saw a tiny boyish lesbian in this same exact shirt

You know just the other day I saw a tiny boyish lesbian in this same exact shirt

Blaine confesses that he doesn’t wanna audition for Fake Julliard ’cause he’s got other interests, like hair gel and medicine, and that maybe it’d behoove him to attend a college instead of a conservatory, which I think’s a great idea and Kurt thinks is a steaming pile of lies and shit.

look, we're all upset about billy joel week okay, but we can't all just go punch ryan murphy in the face, you know?

look, we’re all upset about billy joel week okay, but we can’t all just go punch ryan murphy in the face, you know?

Kurt turns Blaine around to admitting his intelligent post-high-school plan was merely insecurity that he might not be one of 12 humans accepted to Fake Julliard’s bizarrely semestered educational situation and then they share a nice chaste hug.


Elsewhere in the City of York, Samlander’s hitting up the House of Bitchette, owned by Tyra Banks. “Your Midwestern eyes have the vacant state of a cow’s,” she notes. “I don’t have any of those on my roster.”

and then i contracted all my fingers together inside her like this, and i put my mouth on her clitoris like this, and then she came all over my face and it was awesome

and then i contracted all my fingers together inside her like this, and i put my mouth on her mouth like this, and then she came and it was awesome

Bitchette gives him a depressing speech about Sam’s potential as a male model, claiming that male models never get to have fun party time because they are always working for no money out in the world! Sam’s not deterred! How could he turn down this opportunity.

unnamed-1

Or this opportunity?!

zoolander


Later that very same day in the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Sam turns down Rachel’s basket of baked goods ’cause he’s on a flavored air diet in order to lose ten pounds for his photoshoot. His friends tell him he’s perfect just the way he is! How do they tell him this? By singing “Just The Way You Are” on their brand new piano, duh! Yeah Blaine bought them a piano. I don’t know, I think somebody on this show has magical powers.

i gave him a hand job in a taxi cab!

he fingered me in the taxi cab!

Santana’s not having it:

Santana: “Do you see this? This is what’s gonna happen from every argument or discussion or meal from now on, it’s gonna end in a freaking sing-a-long.”

Despite her alleged surliness regarding this activity, they’re only a few verses in when Santana re-emerges, microphone in hand. Probs she just took a valium.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mf-BTgmdRTo


We then turn into birds and fly back to McKinley High, where Becky tells Sue she really enjoyed her visit and wants to go to college.

wow, that's a lot of fan fiction

wow, that’s a lot of fan fiction

Becky: I don’t wanna hurt your feelings, coach.
Sue: I don’t have any feelings, Becky.

Then Sue makes a Graydon Carter reference, and I’m one of five people watching this show who catch it.


In the hallowed halls of McKinley High, Ryder implores Marley to check her Instagram, where he posted a photograph with the caption “BEST DATE EVER.” “When did you do all that?” asks Marley, clearly unaware that Instagram happens in AN INSTANT and that’s why it’s called instagram and therefore he probs did it like an instant ago. No really I wasn’t paying attention, but it looks like both these kids have washed and conditioned their hair today, so BRAVO!

yeah, your cat is uh, really cute. just adorable, this cat. not weird looking at all.

yeah, your cat is uh, really cute, ryder. super cute.

Marley’s like, just ’cause we went out one time doesn’t mean we’re boyfriend and girlfriend foreveerinlove. Ryder’s like oh whoops, that’s not how it went with this gravatar I dated last year.

yup. i got her pregnant. and now she's super depressed about it.

yup. i got her pregnant. and now she’s super depressed about it.


Blaine and Sam return from The Big City to announce that Blaine’s Fake Julliard audition was AWESOME and Sam’s not gonna go to college, just like Billy Joel.

i'm gonna be a tooth model!

i’m gonna be in a marching band!

I don’t need to recap the rest of this episode because Glee has hired their own in-episode recapper to provide snarky commentary and her name is Sue Sylvester. I mean, I wouldn’t have told Sam he was too fat to model because that’s ridiculous, but pretty much everything else she says I am on board with.

Sam: I’m gonna skip college too, and become a male model.
Sue: Impossible. You’re too fat.
Sam: No I’m not. And I don’t care what you or Ms. Bichette or anyone else says, I like me just the way I am and I’m not gonna change for anyone.
Sue: Well that is just the screw-you spirit employers love. Honest to God, I cannot imagine what goes on in your lumpish, sexually ambiguous heads.
Becky: ‘Cause they’re nuts, Every one of them is crazy.
Sir William: Becky you may be right. We may be crazy —
Sue: Oh no no no Oh don’t you dare over my dead body will you inexplicably shoehorn in another Billy Joel song just to punctuate one of your weekly lessons that inevitably veers off into a saccharine barrage of angst and affirmation.

[Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right” begins]

quick do your best imitation of mr. schuster stuck in a washing machine

quick do your best imitation of mr. schuster stuck in a washing machine

It’s awful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHqCZdbo3p8


Thus concludes this week’s episode, which was focused entirely on the male characters on the show, and unfortunately I am a lesbian who hates men, so I give it twenty thousand thumbs down. And yes, I’ve been known to enjoy a nice rendition of “Piano Man” and “Just The Way You Are” as well as the parody version of “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” my co-workers and I at the Macaroni Grill oh-so-hilariously composed one drunken evening, but I enjoy those things in private, not on television instead of lesbians.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WE CAN ENJOY IN PUBLIC? MUPPPEEETTTTSSSSS!!!! NEXT WEEK THERE’S GONNA BE MUPPETS!

Glee-Muppet-Pictures

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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31 Comments

  1. The traveling transitions reached an all time high in this recap. It’s really sad the subject matter of these posts is Glee because there is always so much golden stuff in here regardless.

  2. So I’m finding it difficult to determine whether or not you wrote the ACTUAL quotes from the show or if those quotes are actually that ridiculous! Hahaha I mean really? The Sam interview?! That is just terrible…

  3. “Aren’t you glad that you know this about me now? I feel so much closer to all of you! I also like ice cream and dairy products in general and cashews. Now we’re best friends.”

    <3 I've been waiting years to be your best friend…

  4. I have to say, one thing I appreciate about Glee – and some folks may disagree with me – is that not all the kids go to college. Like, some students realize they don’t want to go to college and it’s totally okay! Too many shows insist that all the kids, brains and slackers alike, go to fantastic schools because why wouldn’t they, even though they never seem to be in class. And generally these schools are either Stanford or Ivy League, so that’s even worse.

    Besides that, ohmygodsporks.

  5. What is with the weird emphasis on virginity for girls, but not (so much for) for guys? I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that Ryan Murphy would perpetuate that, but… so over that “hymen as symbol of your monetary and social value in society” still getting a vocal shout-out on TV.

  6. It’s so easy to bash Glee because it’s such a bad show now, that I have to mention a possible reason why they had Artie encourage Becky. It’s not a good reason, but it might help explain why. The Shooting Star episode was awful on so many levels, but it really pissed off a lot of disability rights advocates. A friend of mine who’s triplegic (cerebral palsy, has limited use of one hand) knows Michael Hitchcock (despite the twitter kissing BS, my friend has convinced me that he’s a pretty good guy) and wrote his a really great letter on how there are plenty of programs that colleges run for people with intellectual disabilities, that help them move towards independent living. He did an excellent job critiquing the storyline, and Michael thanked him for the letter. Now, we don’t know if that really had any effect, but since Glee rarely does a good job coming up with ideas like that on their own, I suspect it had an effect. Hitchcock didn’t write that episode, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he pushed that angle. And possibly as a nod towards my friend Kevin, made it Artie, another person in a wheelchair, who encouraged her. I’m usually the first to criticise how the idiot guys are always saving the girls, but perhaps this time they did it for another reason.

    It’s too personal and guys have been saviours too often for that to be a good reason, but it might explain their motivation in this case.

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