Glee 213, “The Comeback”: An Entire Episode Dedicated to the Lesbian Lifestyle

Last night was not the gayest episode of Glee ever. It was the most lesbianist episode of Glee ever, even though there weren’t any lesbians in it. Seriously I bet you my $238 remaining dollars of MasterCard credit (at a 29.9% APR) that tumblr is going to crash tonight because of this episode and the animated gifs it will inspire amongst tumblr’s most passionate demographic.

For starters, Rachel and Mercedes did a “Diva-off” to “Take Me or Leave Me,” the best lesbian song of all time — no, not just the best lesbian song of all time — to the very cherry on top of the invention of music and the rise of leather pants in the mid 90s. “Take Me Or Leave Me” is a belt-it-in-the-car like you’re Britney Spears in a wig escaping from the police ANTHEM that echoes with a vaginal vibrato stretching from the thighs of New York City through the starlight Midwestern drama-camp air and all the way into the hearts and heads of every lesbian with ears to ever exist ever of all time.

Furthermore, Justin Bieber, the perplexingly popular lesbian icon who isn’t actually a lesbian, although many lesbians look like Justin Bieber, was a central icon of this week’s episode. The Biebs — the man who launched a thousand parodies just as cloyingly charming as the actual songs he sings — yes, it was all about the Biebs and the American Apparel hoodies lesbians enjoy wearing so so much.

Then Lauren summons the fury of a thousand suns to do this glittersassy version of “I Know What Bois Like,” while Brittany and Tina dance around her like psychotic lesbian schoolgirls. There’s a lot of touching and everybody owns it. RISE, WOMEN — RISE FROM THE ASHES AND SING!

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The finale featured everyone in PLAID FLANNEL. It was like a thousand-strong army of magical singing dancing lumberjack LESBIANS. From the back row, Rosie O’Donnell was probably drinking a beer and laughing her ass off.

Also, Sue Sylvester says the words “pocket lesbian” in reference to Justin Bieber.

Also? Everyone wears legwarmers on their arms, which is what lesbians do to make sure their forearms don’t freeze off which would render their limbs unable to properly fingerblast.

Also there’s a touching moment at the cancer ward where giving back to the community and humbling oneself to the very real tragic needs of human children breaks Sue’s icy-cold sue-icidal heart. That’s a human thing I think. But lesbians are humans, SO.

Oh and also — somewhere near the end, Santana growls “Check out dwarf Dianne Warren,” at Rachel Berry, who is on some hippie singer-songwriter kick where she wants everyone to win their very own Tony, and I am 75% sure that Dianne Warren is a lesbian if I’m not getting her mixed up with someone else. Even if she isn’t, she produced a song for Haviland Stillwell’s album, and Haviland Stillwell is a lesbian, so — LESBIAN.

Surprise of the episode? Finn is a lesbian, like Aidan in South of Nowhere, like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, like sea lions, like Maureen & Joanne, like hummus, like Justin Fucking Bieber, and like this website.

I don’t think I can cover any more lesbian news until March, unless Brittany and Santana make out.*

* which they won’t because Ryan Murphy hates lesbians

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2838 articles for us.

27 Comments

  1. I opened this up in Firefox, that was my level of commitment to this post and I love everything that is chooses to be.

    Rachel is done with boys, sings a lesbian duet and rocks the plaid flannel. Girl, call me. Let’s ~write songs~ together.

    Firefox is so damn slow. Chrome, why have you forsaken AS?!

  2. I was fully prepared to hate ‘Take Me or Leave Me’ because it was not Brittana, but I loved this. It was amazing.
    Lauren: WTF. It is not OK to sexually assault the boys. Why is this not a big deal? Did I miss something?
    What was with the plaid? I mean, I LOVED it. Lea Michele needs to never not be wearing plaid. But why did she wear it this time?

    • I didn’t get the plaid either. Was it because that My Chemical Romance song (which I really don’t enjoy) isn’t lesbian enough on its own? They had to throw it in because otherwise the song wouldn’t fit with the real theme of the week, which was “lesbians.” (Except for, like, real lesbians, cause those are gross).

  3. So you weren’t mad that they managed to take the best and most overtly lesbian song ever and make it totally not gay? I mean, I know Idina Menzel is Rachel’s biomom and all but she is SUCH a Joanne. It’s also a ridiculous that everybody acts like Rachel is the best singer in glee club when it’s so obviously Mercedes.

  4. Loved it. I’m actually from Lima, where the show is supposedly set. The flannel number was the closest depiction of Lima style yet! Watching it, I could almost smell the natural gas being spewed out of Lima’s oil refinery… brilliant.

  5. I was so excited about Take Me or Leave Me. I forgot that they were going to do this song so it was a nice surprise! And yeah, it isn’t gay, but I’m also really glad that they aren’t limiting themselves to songs about straight people. It would be more annoying if they decided to drop it because Rachel and Mercedes aren’t lesbians. Besides, if it was a lesbian couple this would probably be a breakup scene like in Rent but this way we saw Rachel and Mercedes having so much fun and becoming happier and falling in love. I mean.

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