FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Which Hogwarts House Is Best In The Sack?

Hippogriffs and Nifflers, how has your week been? Full of love and laughter and evening snuggles by the fire, I hope! Mine has been pretty tempestuous, like to the point that I was kind of accidentally speaking Parseltongue in our senior editors Slack channel today. Luckily, it led to an important conversation about which Hogwarts house has the most sexual prowess.

hogwartshouses

heather: slytherins are generally accepted to be best in bed, though
laneia: oh so that’s their saving grace
heather: i think so, yeah. the order is: slytherin, hufflepuff, ravenclaw, gryffindor.
laneia: that just can’t be correct!
heather: i would be so happy if you would tell me your order laneia
yvonne: why is this so funny
laneia: i would expect ravenclaw to be last bc they’d be too preoccupied in their own brains
yvonne: yes
laneia: and gryffindor would be first or second bc they’re so brave! they’ll do anything! furry sex on a ferris wheel? sure! underwater s&m? why not!
heather: i think gryffindors come in last because they’re like “and now let’s hang from the chandelier, and now let’s open the curtains” and you’re like, “omg, just finish what you started”
heather: i think slytherins would also do underwater s&m, but like really commit to it, see it through
rachel: i feel like gryffindors could get too self-centered about it maybe? like they’re too proud of themselves to really like pay a ton of attention to the other person
rachel: are hufflepuffs all service tops
heather: absolutely
rachel: what happens if a hufflepuff dates another hufflepuff
heather: the most polite sex anyone’s ever had, to the point no one gets naked
rachel: they’re tyrannical about taking turns making sure everyone’s time on everything is exactly equal
they use an egg timer
heather: yes and like constantly apologizing
rachel: they make up fantasies they don’t even have so the other person can have the satisfaction of thinking they’re indulging them
laneia:  you guys, i’m so sad to say that it took me until i read the part when harry notices that crabbe and goyle don’t have dates to the yule ball to realize there was definitely crabbe/goyle fanfic out in the world. like how did that not occur to me sooner? or immediately even
rachel: oh wow
heather: whoa
rachel: i am sure it’s very tender
laneia: oh yeah super tender
riese: i really need to finish these books

What I want to know from you this Friday is which Hogwarts house you think is best in the sack, and I’d like you to really make your case with supporting evidence and possibly fan fiction. Some other things we could talk about:

+ Which Hogwarts houses make the best longterm matches?

+ Which house are you in and which house are you most attracted to?

+ Which house makes the best friends?

+ The person you’re crushing on right now, which house are they in?

+ Did you know you can relax to the sounds of your common room?


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Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle managing editor who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 865 articles for us.

154 Comments

  1. I am just watching the live news from Paris and thinking “I want my mommy”.

    So that convo on which house is better in the sack was a needed laugh while I remind family in the US I am not in Paris and wait to hear from friends who are.

  2. Also tonight I finally identified my GF as a Ravenclaw and it makes so much sense. (in general, not in regards to this particular discussion per se).

    Also Rachel’s description of Hufflepuffs may have hit a little too close to home.

  3. I read an HP fanfiction in the last few months (no idea which one, I’ve read too many) where all of the Hufflepuffs were sex-crazed maniacs because they were all about “serving others” and making them happy and for that reason they will now always be considered the best in the sack in my mind. Followed closely by Slytherin, obviously.

  4. I’m a hufflepuff/ravenclaw cusp. I have a feeling I would crush a lot on gryffindors or ravenclaws. Gryffindors might be too adventurous for me and ravenclaws may be too busy for me. and i am the anxious hufflepuff!!!

  5. Ok First!!

    Alla this:
    http://sortinghatchats.tumblr.com/

    SORTING HAT CHATS 4 EVA! (They Myers-Briggs of the HP House online system thingy)

    I am a Burned Hufflepuff Primary (Someone who acts like a Slytherin but is truly a Hufflepuff), Slytherin Secondary.

    Okay, that being said. SLYTHERIN is best in bed. Doy. We have the best pickup lines, “Mind if I slytherin, wanna see my parseltongue, I know my way into your chamber of secrets, etc” Also, everyone loves a bad boy/girl. Nuff said.

    Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws would make good friends to me I think bc Puffs are perfect for friendship, and ravenclaws are good for fresh ideas, and good viewpoints. But, once you’re friends with a Slytherin, we ARE LOYAL.

    My partner is a self-ID’d Ravenpuff, which is very great (I also think that’s a very Libra type personality, too)

    They are all so great in so many ways, I just really really love Hufflepuffs and Slytherins and don’t get why they get the rep of being the ‘meh’ houses.

    Awesome sound mix btw, found my new work ambient noise.. they have all sorts of Nerdy backgrounds on here.

    <3

  6. Hufflepuff service top, can confirm.
    Gryffindors can say all the words that are hard for the rest of us. And it’s hot.
    Ravenclaws have sex like sherlock holmes(if you’ve read the genderswapped fanfic which is the only reality I can accept they do that) And it is hot.
    Slytherins sometimes look at you like they’re thinking about literally eating you afterwards. And it is hot.

    Or, they do with Hufflepuff service tops, anyhow.

  7. I cannot disagree with this in strong enough terms. Slytherins are by far the worst in bed. By far. What do Slytherins want above everything else? To get ahead. Not to help you get ahead (insert every “head” joke you can think of here). They are totally the assholes who get off and then are like “gotta go, important meeting of the hedge fund or whatever.”
    No way are they the best in bed unless by “best” you mean most likely to leave you ten seconds or less after you gave them an orgasm. Can you imagine Malfoy (or Bellatrix Lestrange for that matter) giving a flying fruitcake if YOU are having a good time? Nope.

    Also, I am highly offended that Ravenclaws are getting such a bad rap here. Ravenclaws are smart and they got that way by a) just being smart and b) just studying harder than everyone else. So they know EVERYTHING. They know 47 different ways to please you and that’s just chapter one. They know everything and what does a Ravenclaw love to do most? Show you just how damn much they know. Over and over until they get the highest grade on the test.

    • Yes! Yes yes yes. This. Ravenclaw get in bed with the knowledge of like an entire sex library in their head and if something doesn’t work for you they know 239345 other things to try.
      Ravenclaws for the win.

      • I think the only disadvantage this creates for Ravenclaws is that because they put a lot of value on succeeding in topics they’ve studied, they may psych themselves out about sex/get nervous in the same way that you’d get nervous about taking a test. When they’re feeling confident, they can rock your world, but if they’re feeling insecure, they may freeze up or get shy about trying anything. Which can, in its own way and with an understanding partner, be cute and lead to reassurance cuddles.
        (I am very much speaking from experience)

    • I strongly agree with both of these points.

      Slytherins are too selfish, Gryffindors care more about it being new and exciting than actually good, and Hufflepuffs are too vanilla. But Ravenclaws have researched everything, and are prepared for some very through experimentation. And they get better over time.

    • I agree with the ravenclaw, disagree with the slytherin. slytherins are the best in the sack because they know what’s going to win at all costs. You just need to find one that likes you, because then they define winning as you both getting off!

    • You raise good points but I also think the Slyth ambition and power play needs to be acknowledged. They love being the best, they’re all about the self preservation. No Slyth would want to get a rep for being bad in bed, it would get in the way of getting more babes, right? Surely that bit of gossip would get around Hogwarts faster than a Thestral. I think their general ambition would transfer into wanting to be the best lovers. They’re not going to be as generous as maybe a Hufflepuff, but I think everybody would get off.

      They’re probably also the most likely house to sleep with someone in order to climb the power ladder, but I aint shaming that.

      They’re also super resourceful, which would no doubt come in handy.

      So I think you would totally get your head, but only because it helps them get ahead.

    • I agree with all of this very strongly. I was kind of hesitant on my own appraisal of Ravenclaws since I’m a 100% Ravenclaw girl, but I think you got it totally right. Ravenclaws have to know the most about and be the best at everything they do. And if it’s going to be something they’ll be judged on, it’s even more important. Ravenclaws definitely know a lot about how to do the sex. Plus Ravenclaws are curious and all that, so they probably have been working on figuring it out for longer than the other houses.

    • TLDR: I think you said it best of all the sayers!

      But here’s my breakdown:
      Griffindor smash. Without thinking, their bravery is a knee jerk reaction, it’s never questioned, it’s implicitly what they do, so they are good but not great!

      Slytherin give zero fucks. You’ll probably be left wondering if it was a good time or if you were just swept up in someone else’s good time. And then you’re cyber stalking again wondering if they’re taking another cute girl to that place. You know the one.

      Hufflepuff know the risks, they’re scared and they do it anyway. They’re the bravest of all the toasters, but they don’t take initiative. They follow, which is not going to get you from the club to your house.

      So we are left with ravenclaw. Who have researcherd everything, want to be the best at the thing, have long ago forsaken all others for the thing, will put in the hours to make you remember them as the undisputed master of the thing.

      I’m pretty sure Lisbeth Salander would be a revenclaw.

  8. Hufflepuff, syltherin, ravenclaw, Gryffindor. I think syltherins could be pretty hit or miss though. You get a super vain one, and it’s over.

    Ravenclaw totally beats Gryffindor, as covered in Revenge of the Nerds: all jocks think about is sports. . .

  9. I read this post and stormed into the other room to rant at my girlfriend so apparently I have a lot of Feelings about this topic.

    I can’t imagine a reality in which Hufflepuffs are not the best at sex! Like, they try REALLY HARD, they don’t have any pretensions because they aren’t sorted into a house that defines its members into a single category (bravery, intelligence, cunning) and therefore are super open to communication and experimentation, and they won’t take it personally if it isn’t working out quite right. I just feel like hufflepuffs would have really enthusiastic, communicative sex romps and it would be a very judgement-free atmosphere.

    Not to mention that Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders, which would apply to all sorts of sex skills.

  10. I’m a Slytherin, as much as I always thought I’d be a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. But the sorting hat doesn’t lie, nor do my friends who insisted I was a Slytherin. The official Pottermore test proved them right.

    And I’m married to another Slytherin, so… While I’ve been pretty open about where our sex life is now…ahem… I’ve got to say that when it’s hot, it’s really really really really hot. And Slytherins are definitely willing to go there and stay the course. I think that’s 100% accurate.

    “Or perhaps in Slytherin,
    You’ll make your real friends,
    Those cunning folk use any means,
    To achieve their ends.”

    ^^ accurate, any means necessary

  11. I feel somewhat left out of things as I never got into Harry Potter, but no matter; to each their own. So, go House Finarfin, I guess (10 internet points to those who know what I’m on about). Since it’s the only question posed I have the ability to address: who am I crushing on? Well, in an odd twist in my life, I’m not crushing on anyone right now (and now that I think about it, it feels kind of weird). There are a couple women I’ve been meaning to get back to on a dating site, but dating just isn’t a high priority for me right now.

    In decent news, I spoke to a professor whose research team I’m trying to join and they remembered my name. Unfortunately it was a bad time (they were rushing about getting ready to head to a conference in England), but they’ll be back this coming week so I’ll go in and talk to them next week.

  12. All right, hang on.

    Based on sorting hat chats (yo Emily) I’m a Ravenclaw primary with a Hufflepuff secondary and let me tell you, that is by far the best house pairing for sex. I am quite good in bed, thank you very much, and that’s because I have that Hufflepuff drive to please combined with a Ravenclaw thirst for knowledge which means I want to know how to fuck you best and I’ll be damned if I don’t find out. Communication makes for the best sex and that’s our specialty. The first person I ever slept with did not believe I hadn’t slept with anyone before because I did “too well” for my first time out. Why? I did my research first. 🙂

    Also, I’m hella domme, and the arrogance that can occasionally come with Ravenclaws is very helpful there.

    Usually attracted to Hufflepuffs. That’s definitely a thing. Definitely, definitely, definitely a thing.

  13. I’m just going to answer all the questions, in order. Because it’s that kind of night.
    Which Hogwarts houses make the best longterm matches? I’m going to go with Hufflepuff/Gryffindor. Which makes me shudder as a Hufflepuff, because I would hate to end up with Gryffindor. But if Hufflepuffs like to make others feel good, and Gryffindors get too self-centered, then it makes sense that they would go together.
    Which house are you in and which house are you most attracted to?
    I’m a Hufflepuff who usually likes Ravenclaws. Something about those brains just gets me going. Like holy shit.
    The person you’re crushing on right now, which house are they in?
    There’s the long term crush and the short term crush. The long term crush is deffo in Ravenclaw. The short term crush is either a Slytherin or a fellow Hufflepuff? I don’t know her well enough quite yet, I just know she’s adorable. (And who knows, maybe she’ll become the long term crush at some point.)
    Did you know you can relax to the sounds of your common room?
    I did not but I will now use it instead of background music when my students do labs. Thanks for that, my kids probably hate you already.

  14. As I told heather this morning, the real order is this:
    1. Slytherin
    2. Gryffindor women (and nb folks)
    3. Hufflepuff
    4. Ravenclaw
    5. Gryffindor men

    Slytherin is of course first, like, no question. Then next I’d say comes either Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Gryffindor women like to show off and impress people and that includes in bed, where, for Gryffindor women, that means making sure that your partner is totally satisfied. After all, if your partner doesn’t think you’re a total hero in bed, what kind of Gryffindor are you? Gryffindor men, on the other hand often end trying too hard, are too cocky, often put themselves first and think that when they enjoyed the sex, their partner automatically did too.

    This is coming from a Gryffindor with a strong preference for Slytherins.

  15. Gryffinclaw right here. When it comes to sex, I’m extremely exploratory and I’m pretty much up for anything (with mutual consent, of course) like a Gryffindor. I initiate the flirting, the sexting, the foreplay and the ideas, but when it comes time to actually get down to business, I start to get in my head a bit. “Are we REALLY doing this?! OK, then I guess we are!”

    I’m a top who gets so much pleasure by giving my partner pleasure, but I like to get told what to do sometimes. The last woman I was with was a bossy bottom Hufflepuff. I’ve always been attracted to Hufflepuffs. They’re so caring and actually listen to you!

    If anyone is interested in a Gryffinclaw/Libra/ENTP…you know where you can find me. 😛 Everyone is probably aware that this was going to turn into an opportunity to meet fellow single Straddlers to see their compatibility. HAHA.

  16. Also.

    Hufflepuff/Hufflepuff sex.

    “Those patient Hufflepuffs are true, and unafraid of toil.”
    They would go at it all night, trying to get the other to a higher level of satisfaction than themselves. Both would show up to class the next morning, not having slept, still sex-eyeing each other and trying to figure out what the next one-up chip will be.

  17. I always love Friday Open Thread, but this one is particularly amazing.
    First of all, Ravenclaws are the best in bed because they’d have one night of mediocre sex and be like “I’m going to go research this shit because there has to be a better way” and then read a bunch of Autostraddle articles and books and shit and then come back for round two armed with a fuck ton of knowledge and be mindblowingly awesome.
    Just sayin.

    As for the other questions
    I’m so Ravenclaw I just got a HP tattoo in Ravenclaw blue and I’m kind of in love with it.

    I tend to be attracted to other Ravenclaws, though I also like Gryffindors because they’re good at getting me out of my head and having more fun.

    I think that Hufflepuffs probably make the best friends, because they’ll be loyal to you just because its a nice thing to do and not because they’re trying to prove how brave or smart or ambitious they are.

    The best long term match depends on your house, I think. I’ll probably end up with anther Ravenclaw because the need to always be learning new things is basically an essential in my world and I am baffled with people who don’t need that. Or maybe a Gryffindor. Maybe.

    The person I’m crushing on right now is definitely also a Ravenclaw.

    Also can I mention that for Halloween I went as the Golden Snatch I mean Snitch? And it was awesome.

  18. Slytherin, all the way.

    Look, not to toot my own horn here, but I’ve never received a complaint. In fact if there was a ‘Yelp’ for sex, I’d be a consistent 4.5 – 5 stars I feel? So that leads me to the conclusion that Slytherins are best in bed (;

  19. I think Slytherin will be the explorative in bed(think ropes and candle), with Hogwarts having a few closet toy wearers. I think Hufflepuff will have the bottoms, and RavenClaws the touch me not, power tops. I think they all have the hot ones, because they are magical in some way. I do sort of have a crush on someone, and I think they would be in RavenClaw or maybe Slytherin, but is a switch.

    How is everyone’s day going? Mines has been pretty long. I had a person in my building try to throw me under the bus, by having me take the blame for something. I also have back related pain for standing too much at work. All I want to do is grab a bottle of rum, and some herbal flowers, and get into a hot body of water and just relax.
    On another note anyone on OKCupid have the option of not having straight people see you, but then someone they are still matching with you? Like for whatever reason it lets me put down I am genderqueer, and trans, but the is asking me to choose either male or female. I don’t feel comfortable choosing either, but since that’s not an option I reluctantly chose my assigned gender(ugh). So, now straight women are like liking me and I doubt are reading my profile or gender markers, cause I doubt a straight women wants to date a genderqueer person who is trans woman leaning on the spectrum(if that makes any sense). Fucking dating sites.

    I got luck and was able to take this shot, which has a late 80’s early 90’s VHS vibe to me. Can you guess what it could be?

    As always, thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend!

        • That’s interesting because I thought only CRTs and other broadcasted images flashed a picture at 60 Hz but LED displays like on a bus would be continuous display, but it looks like they are also flashed, right? Otherwise wouldn’t the image be a continuous streaked line (like the red brake light in your photo) instead of the array of dots shown here?

          Idk. Anyway, cool photo!

          • Well if one slows down the shutter speed to over a second on a camera(specially at night), one could get this from the rear lights of the bus(more so if they were slowing down, but that wasn’t the case here). As for the led, some switch between the bus route and if it’s in service or not.

  20. It depends on what you’re looking for! (Full Ravenclaw breakdown to follow)

    For one thing, every individual in each house is going to have varying tastes and skill sets. Then, socialization is going to play a role in our expectations of who should be the best in bed (which seems to be overwhelmingly biased toward Slytherin bad-boi who won’t call you or Hufflepuff honeys who want you to text them when you get back to your common room after they make you breakfast the next morning). So, empirically, our ideas of who is the best in bed say more about us and the degree to which we want to mix love and desire.

    That being said, it’s totally Ravenclaw. We’re caring *and* crazy, willing to experiment until we get it right, don’t get hung up about conventional tastes, are always inventive, and nothing can distract us from the objective of exploring the limits of our partner’s pleasure threshold. We are the embodiment of “open minded.”

    Gryffindors are great adventure friends when they’re not on some weird hero trip, Hufflepuff is Netflix and chill, Slytherins are great for when you want to wake up with no memories of the previous night and Ravenclaws are good counselors.

    Best long term match might be Gryffindors, although I think it depends on the same factors as who’s best in bed. Gryffindors will always fight for your relationship and remind you of why it’s worth fighting for.

    Historically, I’ve been attracted to Slytherins. No further discussion required.

  21. Um I beg to differ with all that has been said about Ravenclaws we are definitely the best in bed
    Never underestimate the power wit and learning
    In addition to being academically motivated (and therefore are always seeking to make things the best they can possibly be) we are the house that values creativity and originality
    And because we’re the smartest we are clearly the best at using our wands if you know what I mean
    I rest my case

    You were spot on about Hufflepuffs though A+

    • This is so true!! I’m a Ravenclaw and have been given…very enthusiastic feedback haha.
      There’s always new things to try and observation to be made. Also…I’ve read a lot so that helps??
      And my partner is a Slytherin so it’s just mad good times.
      #RavenclawsForever

  22. Gal pal and former rugby/soccer player (whom I can’t get to actually get into Autostraddle herself) would like to note that it doesn’t matter which house you’re in if you’re a Quidditch player. “A Hufflepuff jock is still a jock.”

  23. I have actually nothing to contribute to this conversation re: HP, I have not read past book 4. I think I am a hufflepuff because I am good natured and smarter than I let on but like, it’s not the most important thing people will find out about me.

    But I am getting hooked up with a small business coach to make my private practice BIG AND AWESOME so that I can unlearn the whole playing small thing, and making a beef stew that a new friend is going to show up and eat with me, and I might make an apple crisp.

  24. FIRST I’D LIKE TO SAY THAT I’M SO HAPPY WE HAVE A HOGWARTS FOT!!!

    I will never know how many times I’ve read the books. I always find interesting stuff though. I’m so sad that Pottermore isn’t the same anymore. I thought they had a really good system for sorting even if some of the questions didn’t make sense. LOL. I did sorting maybe 6 times? And 4 times I’ve been Ravenclaw..the other two were Gryffindor and Slytherin. I guess I should’ve expected that anyway. LOL.

    I have nothing to compare who the best in bed is because I will never know Christine’s house. -.- She’s probably a Gryffindor…it was brave of her to date me? LOL

    So. How is everyone’s week? Good? Are we all caught up with our DVR’d shows and books? I have a 10k tomorrow that I’m really nervous about. I think it’s just some pre-run jitters. Look my palms are getting sweaty just thinking about it. HAHA. It’s at 530AM which means I need to be up by 330am and get there early to avoid traffic. I’m running at Disney’s Avengers Weekend. The 10k is Captain America themed so I bought these socks that have little tiny wings on them like on his helmet/mask. And a shirt that’s designed like his costume. I used it the other day to test it out and I got all the kids wanting to fist bump me. Then someone yelled that Captain America is a GUY and I said who said he HAS to be a guy anyway!!

    I got my Marvel Metal Earth the other day and I was so happy because the Shield of Justice is one of the new models!! I got to complete it today. Here it is with my bib for tomorrow.

    They also have a gold model. The Kinkaku-Ji temple

    These are socks I have

    Little tiny wings!!!

    I found Mickey and Minnie before I left Disney yesterday!! This was a very exciting moment for me because I’ve been to Disney before and I’ve NEVER MET THEM even when I was a kid. I think it’s safe to say I got all teary eyed. yep, I’m so emotionally invested in everything Disney and Pixar #biggestchild

    Also Andy says Hi!! =) Here he is enjoying the warmth of the sun.

    • Also FYI both Metal Earth models shown are pretty beginner friendly. The shield does require a bit of shaping it into a cone and the back which is supposed to represent the handles on the shield are kinda weird to make but totally doable. I have the Iron Man model to start tomorrow after my run. That thing is like a hundred pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Good luck on your Captain America 10k! My friends are at Disneyland today, but I had too much crowd anxiety to go. I love the socks and I’m sure your whole outfit is AWESOME. Great response to the heckler, btw. And I used to work at Disneyland and I would STILL get all excited around the characters.

  25. Help! It’s two am here in Berlin, and I just came home from a party.
    I didn’t check my phone for two hours!! Two hours and the world has come apart so heavily and painfully..
    Also, we’re subjected to maximum surveillance with no right to privacy, for what exactly?
    I’m just upset and angry atm, and I just hope that this will not push us further into the arms of fear mongering and safety promising right wing movements..
    I laughed with a woman from Iraq today and that was just a few hours ago.

    • I’m sorry. I was in the car this afternoon with my mom when the BBC first reported it (we get an hour of BBC Radio in Houston). I love Paris and my heart is breaking for France and Europe. Unfortunately, this will likely lead to more xenophobia and hatred in Europe. I can only imagine how horrible it is there right now. *hug*

      • Germany’s getting crushed under the amount of refugees atm and general sentiment has been sliding continously towards the right.
        My arabic teacher is now thinking about going back to Egypt, because he feels so threatened here…it’s like a powder keg and I’m scared of the violence towards the helpless this might spark.

        • Same. I can’t help but think about immigrants and refugees, already vulnerable people who left this exact kind of horror. I doubt last night will give a surge of “fraternité” to France and encourage everyone to open arms and hearts :(.

          • same. I screamed at the TV last night when some talking head on TF1 started talking about how “they” brought in all these problems from other countries then named a bunch of places. He blathered on for a solid minute before a journalist finally said UM WE DON’T KNOW YET WHO DID THIS WHAT.

            But that same guy was on all night and this morning and I am sure he said other asinine things.

            Just last weekend a migrant squat where I live in the west of France was attacked with malatov cocktails.

            Include refugees and migrants in your thoughts and prayers.

          • Agreed. What’s disheartening to consider is that the refugees that are going to be targeted by xenophobic actions and words are trying to escape this violence in their homes. I fear what the FN will say and/or do in the wake of this.

  26. Depending on the quiz ravenclaw or gryffindor. I go with Ravenclaw. And I date Ravenclaws. Currently dating a hufflepuff though and she may be too nice.

    Ravenclaws though: we have open minds so that makes certain activities great.

  27. Time to go back to the core values of the four Houses: (in no particular order)

    Gryffindor: Courage
    Pros: Barge ahead with all enthusiasm. Less likely to be put off from trying new things out of squick. Pure sex positivity.
    Cons: Barge ahead with all enthusiasm. Courage =/= creativity, you may have to do the work in coming up with the new things to try. May have misguided sense of righteousness about sex.

    Slytherin: Ambition
    Pros: “I’m gonna be THE VERY BEST like, no one ever was…in bed!”
    Cons: “I’m gotta be THE VERY BEST like, no one ever was…at this non-sex thing. kthxbye.” Also may point out that you’re not up to their sexual standards.

    Ravenclaw: Curiosity
    Pros: TRY ALL OF THE THINGS. TRY EXPERIMENTS OF ALL OF THE THINGS. WHAT IS THIS NEW THING WE HAVEN’T TRIED. HOW CAN WE OPTIMIZE THIS NEW PLEASURE I MUST KNOW
    Cons: Wiki walk while doing their research leads to complete tangent away from sex. Also may point out the details of the unsexy things happening during sex.

    Hufflepuff: Loyalty
    Pros: They will love you forever. They will not stop until you are absolutely sated. It’s all about making their partners happy.
    Cons: Clingy. Gets bogged down in insecurity about being able to please their partner, killing the mood. May take a while to wrap their head around new kinks before they’re okay with it.

    Cons for all Houses: “Not now, someone is wrong on the internet about the sexual prowess of our House. This cannot stand.”

    Ideal: poly network with members of every House, so I can get the type of sex I want depending on my state of mind.

    • The cons you listed for Ravenclaw don’t even sound like cons to me, probably because I’d be liable to go on tangents too. What can I say? You may have forgotten another pro-Ravenclaw point, which is that intellectual talk is a real turn-on… For other Ravenclaws like me, at least. Seeing someone else’s passion about ideas and words enhances gives a sort of glow to them that is better than any makeup (or magic). Incidentally, my serious crushes have probably been either Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs with Ravenclaw tendencies. I do agree that Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff makes a good pairing.

      Also, a big hug to those on this thread in Paris or with friends or family there.

      • “But omg why isn’t this working? It worked last time, I did all of the research and experimenting and proved my hypothesis, and theoretically it should be the same this time, right? Remember when we tried this new thing? Why isn’t it working? This is what you like I PROVED IT.” – Ravenclaw.

        • One of the cons that the “wiki walk away from the present topic” thing could result in is that the Ravenclaw might be so driven by their sense of novelty that once they’ve satisfied their curiosity in a particular thing, they become bored by it. For sex, this could result in outright losing interest in a person, or not returning to proven pleasurable techniques, because been there done that.

  28. Most of my family is in Paris (& banlieues).

    I don’t know what to say – I’m holding them in my heart. I can’t call – it’s the middle of the night there.

    I just…

    thank you for being here. For HP. For light in the darkness.

  29. Since I’m basically and irl Hermione, I know I’m a Gryffindor.

    But after reading the comments, I’m seeing a bit of Hufflepuff in my nature. So, Gryfflepuff?

    Unrelated, but y’all, I am so into Christine and the Queens right now. You guys have to listen to her. She’s amazing!

  30. + Which Hogwarts houses make the best longterm matches?
    I feel like, slytherpuffs and gryffinclaws make the more balanced pairings. puffs need someone to remind them to look out for themselves as well as others, slytherins need to be reminded to not take life to seriously. ravenclaws need someone to help get the adventure off the page and into real life, gryffindors need someone to keep them from becoming to foolhardy in their actions.

    + Which house are you in and which house are you most attracted to?
    HUfflePuff and I consistently fall for Slytherins.

    + Which house makes the best friends?
    all of them. a prime friend group would have someone from each. feeling adventurous? call the gryffindor, need to debate? lets get the slytherins and ravenclaws.

    puff’s are the best tho (and yah, I’m probably, definitely super biased), they have all of the above covered, plus we’ll help you move and not just because you said there would be pizza and beer later, hell we will probs run out and get the pizza and some ice to keep that beer chilled.

    + The person you’re crushing on right now, which house are they in?
    Slytherin. I have a type. even my besties are slytherins. I find they balance me out.

    + Did you know you can relax to the sounds of your common room?
    I did, but I also really enjoy relaxing to the lovely sounds of Witch PLease. a delightful queer/feminist scholarly approach to the potterverse.

    Of course a Harry potter question would be the thing that takes me from lurking to commenting.
    So, Hey, I’m Roar and I never don’t want to talk about the potterverse,

    • Problem with Gryffinclaws
      Ravenclaw: I wonder about this thing, but it’s kinda dangerous…
      Gryffindor: That sounds badass I’M GONNA DO THE THING!
      Ravenclaw: YEAH LET’S DO THE THING! FOR SCIENCE

      And thus the world was destroyed.

      (There’s also potential in Hufflerins for Master-and-Minion dynamics)

  31. House priorities:
    Gryffindor; loves humanity
    Hufflepuff; loves individuals
    Slytherin; loves themselves
    Ravenclaw; loves the world

    So Hufflepuffs are clearly the best long-term partners because once they love you they’re in your corner for life.

    Slytherins are the best for one night stands, but Ravenclaws are probably the best in bed overall.

    I feel like I only ever date Gryffindors, which as a Hufflepuff I find really exhausting. I really just want to meet a nice Ravenclaw.

  32. Whoaaa. I didn’t initially think this would be interesting to me since I’m not a super big HP fan. But the sortinghatchats thing is brilliant, and I do enjoy astrology and other flavors of personality analysis, so…
    At first I felt like I was probably a Hufflepuff, but thanks to sortinghatchats now I know that I’m either Slytherin primary or Burned Hufflepuff primary, and Ravenclaw secondary.
    My exwife is Gryffindor primary Slytherin secondary, one boyfriend is Ravenclaw primary Gryffindor secondary, and the other bf is a double Hufflepuff.
    Another vote for Hufflepuffs and Slytherins as best in bed!

  33. While I fully agree that slytherins are best in the sack, I protest at the ravenclaw snub. Look, people, ravenclaws spend their whole life acquiring knowledge. What in the world makes you think they aren’t reading every karma sutra book in the free world and then testing out all their new theories? Ravenclaws aspire to be the best at everything, and that includes smashing and banging (smanging, if you will), yo.

  34. After my moment of navel gazing, I think it’s so Raven Claw that only the Ravenclaws are commenting with “I OBJECT WITH YOU RANKING ME ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT WHICH BEFITS MY KNOWLEDGE LEVEL AND SUBSEQUENT EXPERIMENTATION

    Ravenclaws gonna ravenclaw I guess.

    That being said, I take your Canadian tuxedo hufflepuff on hufflepuff and raise you ravenclaw on ravenclaw. It’s never going to last long term (we need a slytherin to drive our quest for knowledge in an actual direction) but hoo boy are some discoveries going to be made!

    • Well, incorrect information is our berserk button, I guess. Plus, there aren’t any defining parameters or common indicators of quality!!! “Who’s the best in bed?” How can we possibly come to an objective conclusion?!

      I need testing standards! SOMEONE GIVE ME TESTING STANDARDS

  35. Self identified Slytherdor/Gryfferin (depends on the day) and I’m currently dating a stone cold Slytherin. Last person was a Gryffindor (with Slytherin tendancies). My friends are mostly Hufflepuffs though. It’s that extra bite that the snakes and lions have that get me!

  36. Slytherins live in the dungeon, for goodness sake. That should imply something.

    (Also lol Slytherins as bossy bottoms, that sounds about right)

    In other news: I just met an old school friend of my mum’s and the way they were talking about each other – “I really liked her!” “If she was he things might have been different!” – I am now extra convinced that my mum is some flavor queer and won’t admit it directly.

  37. Why is there a cat CONSTANTLY PURRING LIKE IT’S POSSESSED LIKE A DEVIL is the Hufflepuff common room? And that damn clock ticking.
    Ugh. In my mind, our common room is way more soothing than this.

    Oh wait, you can change it yourself. Yay!

  38. This is so delayed but I don’t care because this is the best question ever.

    #4 Slytherin – I just assume because of their ambitious nature that they’d be kind of selfish in bed. Like, it’s all about them and their own desires? (And this is coming from someone who definitely identifies as at least half Slytherin herself.)

    #3 Ravenclaw – I think everyone is right to say that they’d be all in their own heads, and they’d overthink it too much.

    #2 Gryffindor – Absolutely the most adventurous in bed.

    #1 Hufflepuff – Definitely the most giving in bed. It would be all about you, you, you. And they are hard workers! And a Hufflepuff would never, ever cheat.

  39. If there was anything that would goad me back to reading Autostraddle, it was this (still love you guys! just been super busy)

    Looove these discussions. Okay, I’ve never thought about this so I’m just spitballing here…

    Gryffindors want to have a good time. They are super passionate and a lot of emotion will go into it when they’re having sex. As others have said, they’re totally up for experimenting and trying new things. I’m going to say they’d be screamers too, hehe. Oh, oh, and they would try to one up each other with who can have/give the most orgasms too. Downside is their over enthusiasm might get a little rough and result in injuries when they accidently topple out of bed, or try to have sex in adventurous places.

    Ravenclaws will learn their partners and themselves really well so that everyone gets the best out of their sex. They research sex tips and kinks, so would make great BDSM-ers. They read a lot so have a vast bank of knowledge and ideas to try out. Also super on top of (lol) safe sex practices. Downside is they’re unlikely to have sex spontaneously, as they’re more into planning so things will be perfect.

    Hufflepuffs are extremely caring and considerate. They’ll constantly check in with their partners to make sure everything is okay. Foreplay can take a long while bc they never want to rush their partner into anything. They get a lot of pleasure out of giving their partners pleasure and are totally happy to change things up if it’s not working. They’re superly cuddly afterwards too, they love spooning and snuggling. Downside is they’re not naturally inclined for rough and dirty. No pushing their dates up against wall or pulling them into a bathroom stall out of the blue bc they would have to ask permission first.

    Slytherins are super self-knowledgable so they know what they want and undoubtedly how to get it. They don’t get hung up over one night stands or feel the need to stay the night and make it awkward, and they can be discrete. Oh, and they most definitely have no qualms about fucking their way to the top. As to the actual sex itself, they will fuck your brains out if that’s what they’ve set their mind to. And you can be damn sure they’re going to have a good time. Downside is they’re unlikely to let themselves be emotionally vulnerable, so they’d have to reeeally trust you to get truly intimate.

    In conclusion, the best house at sex really depends on what you’re into, and probs changes with your mood 😛

    On to the other questions…

    Which Hogwarts houses make the best long term matches?

    I’m a sucker for Gryffindor/Slytherin, bc I love me that volatile passion and rivalry. They can get under each others skin and keep in interesting and alive. Maaaay be a bit unstable as the trade off, though I think with their determination, they could make it work.

    Which house are you in and which house are you most attracted to?

    Haha, revealing my hand here, I’m a Gryffindor 😛 It’s tough to say which house I’m most attracted to… sexually, I think any house can be hot. Romantically, I’ve only just come to realise I’m demiro, and have only ever been romantically attracted to two people, both of whom were good friends, so the sample size is pretty small… One was a Slytherin, the other was probably a Gryffindor. In my imagination land, I can see myself most happy with another Gryffindor. Maybe a Slytherin I trust a lot 😛

    Which house makes the best friends?

    I think that really comes down to the combination, I don’t think there’s any one house overall that makes a good friend for everybody. There’s some post on tumblr that talks about all the different house combinations of friends that you should all find, bc it’s perfect. Personally, I like being friends with Slytherins and Hufflepuffs. Slytherins tend to have a good sense of humour, Hufflepuffs will put up with my bullshit. Gryffindor friends can be hard to get bc they’re already so loyal to their existing friends that it’s hard to break in with them. Don’t have much experience with Ravenclaws, but I suppose we could bond over mutual interests.

    The person you’re crushing on right now, which house are they in?
    Last crush was a Slytherin.

  40. I’m a Gryffindor with major Hufflepuff tendencies (sometimes I say Gryffinpuff, but I really do identify as a Gryffindor), and my girlfriend identifies as a Hufflepuff but I think she’s got some Ravenclaw in her, too. It seems like a good combination, and I can definitely vouch for Hufflepuff’s prowess in bed! 🙂

    My current crush is a Gryffindor (I highly doubt anything will happen there, but.) I tend to gravitate away from Slytherins in all aspects of my life and towards Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. I greatly admire Ravenclaws, but tend to be intimidated by them.

  41. P.S.:
    On the current discussion:
    Clearly Slytherin, cause they get the job done.

    P.P.S:
    The whole “I’m a …. with a side of…” is being such a big relief for me.
    Hardly anyone could be more of a Gryffindor at heart than I am, but I’ve denied that for a long time, in favor of getting Ravenclaw stuff and celebrating my nerdy side. Then I finally got myself sorted, into Gryffindor, als expected, but just being one thing never seemed enough.
    So, screw zodiac signs, I’m a proud Gryffindor/Ravenclaw and I will kick your ass and explain exactly how I did it.

  42. Hufflepuff here to defend the rep of my Ravenclaw girlfriend who is amazing at sex!!! Her scholarly ways mean that she researches new sexy things to try (she actually READS NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday), and she’s open to experimentation. Plus, her thirst knowledge is cute and endearing and sexy.

  43. Am I the only one who thinks that a Hufflepuff might be TERRIBLE in bed? Like, they’d try REALLY hard and would care a lot about consent, and it’d probably lead to giggles and cuddling, but it just might not be that hot? Or maybe it’s just that I’m ace and mildly repulsed by sex, but I like figuring out what makes my partner tick (it’s def always an experiment), so the idea of someone who is focused solely on me is terrifying and highly undesirable.

    I think Slytherins would either be the best or the worst in bed. As a loving long-term partner, they would be great because of their ambition: to be the best there ever was (in bed). Slytherins are highly loyal to a select few and are highly motivated to keep them happy and satisfied. A hook-up with a Slytherin would likely be terrible, as they are mostly looking out for themselves and are likely to be selfish.

    I quite agree with the previous Gryffindor discussion, especially the Gryffindor men/women divide.

    Ravenclaws can go either way. They have a tendency to over-think things and get caught in their own head. They can sometimes be self-absorbed. But, they’re also the most willing to experiment. And experiment in bed, too, I suppose. They may treat it very clinically, which can be disconcerting if that’s not what you’re into. And Ravenclaws have a tendency to be perceptive, so when they get things right, they will REALLY get things right.

    But, more importantly Hufflepuffs are the best cuddlers, hands down. They just are. Gryffindors aren’t really interested in that shit, and again, Ravenclaws will overthink it because they overthink EVERYTHING. Slytherins are surprisingly cuddly, but only when they’re in the mood for it.

    For the record, I’m a Ravenclaw, but I’ve had plenty of people say that I could belong in Hufflepuff (because I am basically a golden retriever of love) or Gryffindor (because my life motto is “for the record, this is a terrible idea LET’S DO IT”). And Pottermore sorted me in Slytherin, which ???? I’m not terribly cunning, and I wouldn’t say I have no ambition but it’s not really a defining thing for me (I just wanna be happy. If happiness involves doing really awesome science shit or running badass whitewater that’s just a bonus).

    • THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP SLYTHERIN LOYALTY

      Seriously, people forget that that is just as common of a trait as their ambition. I think too many people write off Slytherins as pure evil because there were so few good ones in the books.

      But REGULUS BLACK FOR ONE.

      Anyways. Sorry for my impassioned response.

  44. Sorry to bother you all, because you all seem very involved in this thread and this matter, but can somebody show me the way to some kind of “Harry Potter for Idiots” or some YouTube tutorial, because I have no idea what everybody is talking about.

  45. I’m possibly too late to count fer much, but clearly the best cuddlers are Hufflepuffs. Everything else is on a case by case basis because I’m an irritating mostly Ravenclaw person who just can’t abide by generalities attempting to be treated like specifics.

    I say mostly Ravenclaw because that House Chats thing and my childhood was one that has def had an impact on how I interact with others and the “outside” world. Would I have been a pure and cruel Slytherin believing the right and might of capitalism and the patriarchy like my 2 siblings with my “humbling” childhood? A Gryffindor if I hadn’t had to learn to be invisible to get by sometimes?
    Or maybe it’s the nature of being the Mercury sign and I just am too fluid to ever be a solid.
    Not that being solid is the bestest most powerful thing that can be.
    Fluids are immensely powerful and hold sway over us all as the organic life forms we are.

    Blergh anything that’s “what sort of person are you” or “what is your personality” gets me uselessly introspective.
    But also like watch Bound, it is fantastically lesbonic film.
    Hands y’all, they’ve always been magical and sexy.

    Um I think I came to post gifs of puppies because Paris thing. When I heard about it I was snuggling a sleeping puppy and rather than dive head first in the terrible thing I said, “Fuck it, I’m going to continue to snuggle this puppy. Can learn more about this later.”

    I feel a lot better, that part of my brain that plays the tactical sense game is not worming its “told ya so, always be prepared/on guard, nothing is ever safe” through the rest of my brain like it normally would.
    Having things in common with combat vet when you’re completely, always have been a civilian from a “secure” area is wrong and only funny when you both make a beeline for the same chair in a restaurant ect.
    But even that is dark, wrong kinda funny which is what my sense of humour is anyway so why the but honestly.

    Time for puppies:

    Finally I think most the people I tend to crush on are mostly Hufflepuff and not because they are edible little cinnamon rolls too good for me or this world, brimming with innocence and idealism.
    I joke that is totally the reason, but as anyone who’s watched or read a re-cap of Netflix’s Dare Devil knows there is a such a thing as an evil Hufflepuff.
    Because they are loyal, patient and hardworking if who/what they’re loyal to is “evil” then they will follow you and your evil ways with all their big squishy Puff hearts, council you patiently when your dastardly plans fall thru and keep you from doing something extra dumb.
    But mostly it’s the loyalty that does things to me.
    The being little badgers that just don’t give up melts my cold logic loving heart.

  46. I didn’t realize I had so many strong feelings on this, but, okay! I feel like we’re giving Slytherins way too much credit here. If the question was just which house is the “sexiest,” then okay, obviously Slytherin, but it stops there. I feel like Slytherins are all about looking sexy, being enviable and having people want to get in bed with them, but that when it comes down to it, though I bet they’re into just about anything, they’d be way too concerned with getting theirs and not so much about giving the other person a good time. If we’re going with Slytherins as egotistical, I think we can conclude they’d be better at just getting themselves off more so than they’d be at satisfying a partner. They’d probably be really cocky about it, but not actually that great–or maybe that great, but get tired as soon as they’ve gotten what they wanted and let their partner just kind of languish. Unless it’s a Slytherin/Slytherin scenario, I guess? (Although they do have that “thirst to prove themselves”…) And I think Gtyffindors all also getting too much credit here–yeah they’re adventurous, so the situation as a whole has the potential to be really steamy, but they love to try anything, which doesn’t mean they’re good at any of it. Ravenclaws, though, are all about knwoing how to do everything and being the best they can possibly be at everything they do (or maybe I’m projecting too much?), so they would totally know how to bring it in bed, and probably be more interested in satisfying their partner than in getting their own satisfaction, because they want to demonstrate their ability. Hufflepuffs–i totally get that they’d be really into satisfying a partner, and I feel like they would totally be great at the communication and no-judging thing, but I feel like Hufflepuff sex would be less “STEAMY” sexy and more “cute romantic comedy” sexy? So my personal order would probably be: Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin.

    I’m a Ravenclaw, though, so I might be too biased. I feel like I’m attracted to Ravenclaws and Slytherins almost exclusively. Gotta have that insecurity about being the best, I guess–and have to know their shit, you know? Like, real talk all the time. Don’t try and make me feel better, just say what there is to be said. But then again, I have not the most experience with relationships, so I might be making shit up–but I feel like Ravenclaw/Slytherin pairings would be really good (or really awful), because they’d always be challenging each other. The Slytherin always has to prove themself, and so does the Ravenclaw, so they’d always try yo push themselves to keep up with their partner. Or it would drive them apart. Like I said–not a huge amount of experience… But I do feel like Ravenclaw/Gryffindor pairings wouldn’t work out that great, because the Gryffindor would be jumping into the things just to try them, and the Ravenclaw would be like, “what the fuck are you doing, idiot, we need to know everything before we make a move.” So either disaster, or it’d get the the Ravenclaw out of their rigidness and need-to-know-all-the-time and help them chill, and make the Gtyffindor a little less reckless. Could go either way.

    • oooh, I dunno about Ravenclaw/Gryffindor. Current crush is a Gryff all the way through and no matter how boneheaded, the genuineness of this person is heart melting. Just shiny, like the sun. What I like to do is let them jump in, make their mistakes with an endeavor and then offer alternate strategies and cuddles which have historically been helpful with cheering them up. Gryff bounces back a little wiser for having tried and, armed with reassurance and a plan, usually succeeds the next time.

  47. Can I be best friends with everyone who left a very opinionated comment about this topic?
    This was a discussion that was missing in my life.

    Ravenclaw Hufflepuff Slytherin & then poor Gryffinndor. IMO.

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