FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Hi I Wanna Celebrate Your Accomplishments As Nasty Woman Praxis

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Hey there, fashionable and/or ironic sweaters worn in perfect autumn weather! Welcome to this week’s Friday Open Thread, a space in which we come together to swap sewing patterns and praise false idols. JK! It’s actually just a post we all comment on with pictures of our pets and loved ones, updates about our week, and stories of lore from years past. But also, if you have a solid crop top pattern and wanna teach me how to sew it and also supply me with the materials and machinery, well, come the fuck on down.

Anyway, hi! Hello! It’s been so long since we talked, lemon squares with a special place in my heart. I missed you! Here’s some rapid fire updates about my life: I think my fall aesthetic might be “retired athlete,” I think museum gift shops might be my Achilles’ heel, and in the last month I have seen basically every person I ever met ever on the east coast without even getting on a plane. It’s been solid! I own a lot of Andy Warhol soup can products right now! The sound of silence that fills my room when I’m not expected to be anything to anybody in my own space is an actual delight! I went to Target and they were sold out of six-packs of Evian and I didn’t cry!

The cherry on top of it all, though, is that this week we finished up the final of those three terrible “debates,” or, as I mostly thought of them in my mind, experimental art pieces built by the universe and entitled simply “man-child: a definition in three parts.” Just think, y’all. No more! No more watching Donald Trump look Hillary Clinton in the face and telling her she hasn’t accomplished anything, or that what she has accomplished didn’t have an impact! No more watching Donald Trump gaslight the nation! NO MORE WATCHING DONALD TRUMP EXIST IN ORDER TO ALSO WATCH HILLARY CLINTON EXIST! This is truly a moment to cherish in our hearts, at least until the moment she becomes President and punches him in the face in front of the entire nation.

That being said, I would also like to go on the record and say that I’m still totally obsessed with Trump calling Hillary “such a nasty woman” in a low hushed voice into his mic at the end of that debate Wednesday. Please play that audio clip at my funeral, right before you lower me — in a life-size In N Out animal fries container — into the ground. Afterward, demand a moment of silence in which to savor it as my final send-off. At that moment, unveil my tombstone, which should read the following, in this order, divided not by slashes but by line breaks: “Such a Nasty Woman / :Three Corn Emoji: / It Was Lit Tho.” At this time, it will be dusk. Please weep quietly until it’s the dark of night.

Okay, sorry, that got dark and honestly, I’m here to bring you some light! What I offer you here today is my Anti-Trump Self-Care Service, in which I would like to dote on you until everything feels better. Come on down and tell me about your accomplishments – I won’t belittle them, but I’ll probably tell you how fucking badass you are. Step right up and show off your lewks from the week or shoot me some photos of your fam and chosen fam and puppy fam – I won’t say a negative word about anything and certainly won’t be caught on tape saying something I would try to pretend was never said a decade later in response! You could literally come in here to insult me and I would respond with “you’re great,” but that being said, please don’t do that my ego is more fragile than it seems and your validation matters to me.

Mostly, I just wanna know your life and lift you up. Is that cheesy? Oh well! I’m here, I’m queer, I’m living my truths, and I think you’re the gosh darn best. So hit me with your best shot, nasty folx. I’m here to affirm you endlessly and Make Your Day Great Again.


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Carmen is the Managing Digital Editor at Ms. , host of Bitch Media's POPAGANDA podcast and co-founder and Contributing Editor at Argot magazine. She previously served as Straddleverse Director, Feminism Editor and Social Media Co-Director at Autostraddle. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr or in the drive-thru line at the nearest In-N-Out.

Carmen has written 927 articles for us.

210 Comments

  1. Outside of school, I haven’t been up to much this week. I had two tests this week, one of which went well and the other… well… the professor apologized to the entire class for that one. Other than that, I had the usual homework and a meeting which spawned more meetings. I’m on the planning committee for the Conference for Undergraduate Women in Physics as CU is one of the locations of the conference this January, and that meeting lead to the need to for someone on the committee to talk to several faculty members, two of whom I know pretty well. So yay for making myself busier still in an already busy semester.

  2. HAHA CARMEN I CAN’T you have slain me. The funeral thing hhhhhhhhh

    My phone is acting up but I at least wanna say I’m glad today is over, that this week is over. I’ve been feeling shitty, and when im feeling ok, I get the joys of dealing with Very Special Customers. Today was especially, er, Special. Ohhh my ggggggggoddd.

    Last Saturday I went to my first kink play party! It was fun, and I ultimately felt surprisingly comfortable there. I thought seeing people doing sexual acts would freak me out, but it didn’t. It’s actually kinda fun to watch. I didn’t have a scene with anyone, but I did get tied up and later got thwacked a bit,which was really nice! Riding crops are…….. very, very nice, Hahahaha~. (If you wanna be friends on fetlife, lemme know! :) )

    I got to hang out with a friend Wednesday night, and I got to buy a few things, like 10 lbs of clay and Star Wars underwear. It was fun and made me feel so much more like I exist. I’ve been struggling with depersonalization lately; mom found out by way of an aunt bc a cousin tattled on me, and she was all upset and I was irritated. Like. Can you not, tho. It’s not helping me at all.

    And today I had a psl, so despite everything else, at least I had that and laughs.

    My phone is being shitty af, so I gotta stop typing on it before I find a wood chipper to toss it in. TIS THE SEASON

  3. This whole week has been a blur. I think the adderall is making me have insomnia. Or the lack of it. Or the stess from school. Idk. All I know is that I was grumpy because I didn’t get my morning kiss before leaving for work. Of all things that ruined my day, it was the change in my morning routine.

    I just left the condom sense store too. Got asked if I was going to the party this weekend. I had no idea what the girl was talking about. She assumed that because I was buying a new paddle, I was going to a fetish party. I was honest with her about not really knowing much about the scene. We had a great conversation and joked around. She said she liked my choice in paddles and that she liked my reasons for choosing this red one that causes a considerable amount of pain. It was enjoyable. She was also very cute! Now I know who to talk to if I have questions.

  4. I was gunna bring the cute, but I don’t know enough about html to edit source code thingies from when I inspect the elements of Instagram, which I joined last weekend for the purpose of sharing my cuties with y’all.

    All I can really tell y’all for sure is that instagrams’ algorithms for suggesting content based off of posts a user has liked were not ready for my medium sized white Louisiana ass.

    It seems to think I’m
    1) a black woman 2) fat 3) interested in making babies with a white man

    None those things are true.

      • I want it to get to the point of no s-word or n-word in recc’d stuff because apparently I’ve gone soft or something and can’t look at those words with feeling feels that I can’t do anything about as that’s systemic issue a lone human can’t undo.

  5. Autostraddle friends, I need some help. I was having a nice Friday evening, listening to music and drinking whiskey in apple cider, but then I started to get real sad (I blame it partly on PMS). But anyway, what I’m sad about is that my church (I’m United Methodist) doesn’t love me the same way I love it. Have any of y’all ever experienced this disconnect between an amazing and affirming childhood growing up in the church vs. realizing you’re gay and that if you wanted to someday get married in the church you grew up in, you wouldn’t be able to? Nobody at my church while I was growing up ever said that being gay was bad, but the church as a whole doesn’t let gay people be clergy or get married. Anyway, I just cried for like 45 minutes about this and if anyone has similar experiences to share I would so much appreciate it or even just cute baby animal pictures?

    • Mary, I’m so sorry to hear that! I’m not Methodist, but there are many queers who are. Check out the Urban Village Church in Chicago–even if you are not physically near, it might help you to know that there are affirming, even queer-majority, Methodist churches out there.

      Many hugs to you if you want them. And a quiet night in with apple cider sounds lovely.

    • Hi Mary,

      I wasn’t raised in a church but I have definitely been there with those kinds of sadnesses.

      Once I called my girlfriend from the tub, a whiskey or two down, sobbing and asking her why there were still people in the world who hated us…poor thing was like, I don’t…know?

      Anyway. I hear you and I’m with you and there is so much amazing sweet kindness in the world. And I think those wounds will heal, within your current church or in another or in another group of loving caring people. I have met so many kind amazing and powerful queer friends who are forces for good within their churches, and whose churches are kind and welcoming.

      All the ???

    • Um not a church, but a side of my family.
      I had the realisation at a funeral for the only person (my grandfather) who could have keep us linked. They gave me no a cold shoulder, it wasn’t an intention to be cruel just a…reaction they couldn’t help but have no matter how much I tried to tone my me-ness down.

      The only reason I didn’t cry was because I literally out of tears from having to watch him rot in his body for 2 years. There was screaming in a shower tho and something like dry heaves, but for tears that my body didn’t have.

      I dealt this “rejection” by being myself as much as feel around them and doing things like bring my own food (often there’s nothing but pork that I do not eat at family get togethers) in very large portion to share. If they don’t eat or touch it because it’s strange like me I don’t give a fuck. More deliciousness for me. And hang out with people that accept me later.

      Oh crap this a horrible attempt at comforting.

      Um ok.

      Matthew 16:18

      “Hey dude you’re a rock and upon this rock I will build my church, it withstand all the bad shit”

      You are a rock, you are your church and you can withstand this.
      Breaking with things that didn’t mean to turn against you (but kinda did) no matter how precious and kind they were when you were a child will hurt and grieving at the separation is normal. But not being yourself will hurt more.

      I have no idea if this helpful or not, so I’m adding baby animals gifs

      I don’t know if you have favourite so I got a variety pack.
      Hope I didn’t upset you more.

    • Many hugs and prayers if you’d like them, Mary. As somebody who identifies stubbornly and strangely as “still Catholic,” I have experienced something similar far more often than I’d like. Unfortunately, I can’t really blame it on PMS either, since it happens at any time in the month. The past couple of times, I got melancholy on trains, wondering if it was better or worse to hope that my church would let gay people get married during my lifetime. I have a hard time imagining it happening before I’m, say, ninety (and even that is an all but miraculous stretch), and then I find myself wondering if the woman I am trying not to crush on would even be alive then, since she is older than me, and ninety is already a rather long life. Yet on the other hand, I find it heartbreaking to think of getting married in some other church instead. I’ll probably end up going with my childhood plan of spinsterdom. The church is holy, but it is also human, made up of a bunch of imperfect humans who try, mess up, do misguided things, hurt each other, and have the potential to learn and do better. .

    • Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words, baby animals, hugs, and prayers. Just knowing that others have felt similar feelings and are dealing with them helps. Reason number 47362 why I love Autostraddle: I can always find support and encouragement here when I’m feeling let down elsewhere in my life <3

  6. I am so, so late for open thread, but I can’t wait a whole week to tell you guys my sister’s wedding went pretty well! All my clothing and stuff was more femme than I would have liked but pretty enough to pass muster, I got tons of compliments on my bombass oxfords, I even gave a speech that went over well! I had one small panic attack/crying fit from just too many days of socializing and worrying about appearances, but my grandfather comforted me and I got over it better than I would have thought. I feel so much better to have this off my shoulders.

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