FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Everything’s Coming Up Spooky

It’s Friday Open Thread, where we all love on each other and talk and make jokes and the points don’t matter!

GET IN HERE CAUSE IT’S THE FIRST WEEK OF OCTOBER!
I COULD GO OUTSIDE WITH A JACKET YESTERDAY!
MY BEST FRIEND’S HOUSE SMELLS LIKE PUMPKINS!
EVERYTHING’S COMIN UP SPOOKY!

I know the world is a garbage fire baby, but let’s agree to pillow fort it here and stay for a long while, okay? That smelly baby can wait.

What’s going on with me this week? So glad you asked! I’m going to be real with you, that dumpster baby fire has me ostriching (fun fact did you know this isn’t real? I mean not super fun seeing as this was a hilarious used-to-be-fact.). I’ve got my head in every distraction possible because if I stay in the news loop and reality too long, me and this not incredibly balanced mind of mine aren’t gonna be a pretty picture. It was a rough week, friends. I watched Big Little Lies and the only thing I could remember is (spoiler) Celeste’s therapist saying about the abuse, “You’re a lawyer. You know how important it is to have witness.” So I went and wrote and shared a small thing on personal accounts because I didn’t have witness back then, but I’m trying to now.

People are showing up and giving love and I am mostly overwhelmed and stuck but being thankful and getting unstuck and that’s progress. It’s tough and triggering but there are good things too. Like:

The Good Place is back! Which means I’m back to trying to get Eleanor and Tahani together in a world that is definitely not under my control. Some would say this makes it impossible, but I call it an adventure!

I took a nearly two-hour (which is something when you can’t drive) ride to see my best friend and when I say it is worth it just to sit with her and talk for six hours straight? I mean let me tell you about this healing going on in my chest.

Ya boi was gifted with a new comforter before the winter/cuddle season and I’ve literally been sleeping on a cloud this past week:

I got a Raspberry Pi because there was a bundle discount on Amazon and I put together a retro game bundle system! Only to remember I have no idea how to play video games, but what a fantastically frustrating experience that I’ll probably document in further more embarrassing detail in the future.

I’m in a coding bootcamp (cause I’m trying to be my own Iyanla Vanzant, trying to Fix My Life, ya feel?) which is exciting and so different from what I usually do and I love it and also have no idea what I’m doing! Sometimes doing this life thing is a trip and grand and good!

This is me at my computer on a daily basis

Tell me: What new exciting things are going on in your life? What are you loving? What’s got you looking at life like, Sometimes you’re grand sometimes you’re good and I’m glad to have you? Have any game recs for someone who screams when literally anything pops up on the screen?/Whatcha playing (I just started playing Night in the Woods and I’m not a gamer by any means but I love it!!)?

Now tell me all the hot goss (that’s something I’m 99% sure I heard in Baby Mama last week)! They said what to who??? Dish, fam!

Not into goss? That’s okay, I’m still into you, so let me know whatever’s on your heart or in your head or also on your TV. What’ve you been watching? How’s your week going? What do you need?

If it’s about you, I’m all in. But like if you’re not cool with it, I can give very energetic waves from a safe distance. Keep it casual, you know?


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Alexis Smithers (Lex Lee) is a black nonbinary person creating on the East Coast. They've volunteered for Winter Tangerine and currently are a Web Development Student at Bloc. A 2015 Pink Door Fellow & 2016 Lambda Literary Emerging Writer, you can find more of their work on their website and listen to them scream about poetry & other interests on Twitter.

Alexis has written 26 articles for us.

146 Comments

  1. On Thursday, I celebrated my birthday by going to a CAT CAFE and I had a delicious spicy chai latte and I made a new friend named Cinnamon! She was the best and I’m devastated I couldn’t adopt her because I would have given her the best cozy home ever.

  2. Hi everyone,

    I’m so glad it’s time for this thread. I haven’t been able to come on here this week because of what’s happened here in LV but I needed to at least come here and check in with all you wonderful people.

    I don’t have any words right now to explain my feelings or what’s going on, other than just completely numb.

    We’re supposed to have Pride here in two/three weeks and now people here are terrified to go, not just because of an open air venue but also because they’re afraid of being specifically targeted. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

    Please go out and do something you enjoy this weekend for me and just love your loved ones extra hard. I love all of y’all and can’t wait to hear what’s going on in your lives. It’s going to be a nice escape.

    ❤️

    • I’m glad you were able to make it here.

      I’m making sure to send my best friend a super mushy love note and holding my people extra close and with extra love, thank you for reminding me.

      You need anything, we’re here. Love you too <3

  3. Hello! I feel you on the ostriching thing AND the Good Place thing. This week I went on a date with a girl I’ve been casually seeing. We saw It and giggled a lot and did that “we’re gonna let our hands almost touch but not quite” thing that is exciting but in a way that makes me want to puke (but in a good way?) She’s the first person I’ve gone on more than one date with since the First Girl I Loved(tm) dumped-me-but-not-really-because-we-weren’t-dating (just doing all the things dating people do,) and it’s new and exciting and we’re both a little scared and nervous and it’s a weird game of limbo rn bc we’re both too afraid to make the first move (I’m trying!) And I am having fun! I’m glad I get to be alive and meet new people! I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I love other people, as much as it’s cool to be an “I hate people,” type of person, I was never very good at it. Somehow I still am optimistic that, as a whole, humanity can be good and special, despite everything bad happening in the trash fire around us right now. I’ve started finding affirming churches and that’s been doing wonders for my outlook, I think. I had a really tough 2016, and honestly aside from briefly being in love this year, 2017 ain’t been so great either. But I’m feeling weirdly (and cautiously) optimistic for once. I love being alive and getting to be a part of this big weird world! It’s probably the time of year, but I’ve been feeling a lot of gratitude lately for all my friends and their love, and for the fact that I think maybe it’s all comin up.

      • I don’t think you’re downplaying anything at all, I think it’s possible to hold two conflicting truths and they both be valid, you know?

        THIS SOUNDS AMAZING and honestly I wanna send you a badge of courage for trying cause that’s got to be the hardest part! I hope things go well with the two of you, YAYYYY TO HAVING FUN

        IM GLAD YOURE GLAD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW YES TO FRIENDS AND LOVE THEYRE THE BEST and once again, I think it’s pretty brave to still believe in goodness even when the world is a trash fire. Hoping everything keeps coming up and stays up there too !!!

        • Thank you!!! I love my friends and I love my life and (shhhh) I REALLY like this girl!!! She is funny and nice and sincere which is what I really need rn, I think. I think as a whole, the world is in a dark spot right now, but I don’t think all the spots are dark all the time and I don’t think it’s gonna be this way forever. This year has been terrifying but I’ve also seen so much in activism that’s given me hope that it’s not going to be like this forever.


  4. I’m waiting for someone in the park. Why is everyone ways late…. this week has been filled with anger, but you know what I am not to focus on that.
    Come to my medation.
    http://www.the-bag-lady.biz/lgbtq-meditation.html
    Why Charmed should be black:
    Not necessarily those names, but you get the gist.
    Prue, Piper, and Pheobe find out they are witches after their Grandmother dies and their powers are realesed.
    This is a great premise for a black brown centered short youtube series because black and brown people are often taken care of by their grandmothers or watched by another relative and have a network of family that helps each other. I was watched by my grandmother and so were my cousins. Many of my friends were taken care of by aunties, uncles, and grandparents. Also, a lot of latinxs live in generational homes. Like the Charmed ones.

    A friend and myself are working on a script.

      • @asmithers
        The sisters could be half afro islander and half southern black..

        Instead of P3 the club, Piper could own a small hole in the wall soul food place. A place were people of color, women, and lgbtq+ poc gather to have a safe space and eat good food.

        There could be a focus on Santeria, english wicca/paganism, and Indian philosophy (like auyerveda). To me Catholicism has always been very ritualistic and magical within itself, it could be a form of weaker magic that you do not have to be born into.

        I am excited, I think I finally found a film partner.

    • YAY. Congrats on getting the meditation up!

      OH, BTW, related to the other comments — have you seen the PBS documentary on pilgrimage? There’s a really beautiful pilgrimage episode to West Africa where some young women are initiated into Oshun’s priest(ess)hood. (I think it was Ifa or Yoruba in context, though, not Santeria.)

      • It’s not on Netflix anymore (just checked), but it sounds cool. I’ll have to search for it somewhere else. I have to do more research on the topics because they would be great elements in writings while alerting people of other cultures.
        And thanks!
        It took forever!

  5. My girlfriend surprised me with a pair of petite leggings, so that was exciting.

    ALSO CUBS START PLAYOFF BASEBALL TONIGHT ???

    Part of me feels bad for writing something so superficial with all that’s happened in the world this week ?

    • Hey, to that part of you that feels bad, you don’t need to (it’s okay that you feel that, feelings are valid) but it’s not superficial and during horribleness, good things still occur and it’s okay and great and healthy to celebrate those when we have the space to!

      I’m glad that you’ve got great stuff going on and that you shared it with us!

      I literally know -10% about baseball aside from what I’ve seen in Chicken Little but this sounds exciting and I hope they win tonight!

    • YOOOOOOO THE CUBBIES ARE LIFE THO

      Seriously, sometimes I’m still utterly shook when thinking about the World Series last year, so I TOTALLY understand your excitement. I’m watching the game right now, in fact, and hardcore craving some deep dish from Lou Malnati’s.

      Sometimes, the best way to decompress after so much has happened is to take a step back and enjoy (and appreciate) the simpler pleasures in life. In this case, team sports 🙂

  6. My week started off with some intense feelings of hatred, disgust,and ‘over-it’ness about men and how they always take up so much space in conversations. That feeling just kind of stuck with me until very late on Wednesday when I was wishing my local jazz radio station had a show dedicated to female musicians. Then yesterday I kind of spontaneously decided to start a podcast/radio show thing exploring queer and female musicians in jazz, funk, soul and blues. So that’s s thing now and I’m really excited about it! Can’t wait to do a Halloween episode! You can listen to it here:”Q# In Femme Major Episode #1″ on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/q-sharp-in-femme-major/episodes/dccaa8
    Episode will be airing on Monday and Thursday in October and then either Wednesday or Thursday from then on.
    In other news, it’s starting to look like fall!!!! I can’t wait to always be wrapped up in sweaters and scarves!

    • Booo to the men and their taking too much space but you’re so cool for putting this together, I can’t wait to learn more!

      ALSO YES WHEN IS THE CHILL IN THE AIR COMING??? AS SOON AS I FEEL A SHIVER IM IN EVERY SWEATER I OWN IM SO READY I LOVE FALL

  7. OK confession time.
    I have fallen into deep love with Autostraddle, it hit me this week. It’s been a long process because demiromantic – which I just figured out about myself, yay me!

    The feels are here in force and knocking me off my regular orbit. My soundtrack for this love affair is anything by Muna. Holy katzenjammers, my heart is so full. Thank you founders, thank you contributors, thank you commenters, incredible thoughtful articulate funny soulful babes that you all are.

    • First of all, I hit the wrong button and just reported you, sorry about that. I don’t know if I can reverse it.

      I just spent almost two weeks hiking and camping without internet access. Literally, the only thing I missed was Autostraddle.

    • hello this comment is like Christmas my birthday and finding Carol is on Netflix all rolled into one!!!!

      we love you too, please know this love is super requited (i mean this as the opposite of unrequited, if youre like me and were suprised to find out that requite mean to avenge, which like i think we’d also probably do that for you too if you need it)!!!!!!!!!!

      also im about to listen to every muna song ever thnks

      • Thank you Alexis, that’s like, wow, so so big. *Carol* swoon.

        Carol is what brought me here to Autrostraddle, Carol was the inception of my rebirth.

        And and and… yes, if requite means avenge, then you _do_ requite the love, ’cause you avenge us all. You make us fierce and cheeky and uncompromising.

    • Me too. Although it hit me about 6 months ago.
      Last night I went down a rabbit hole, starting with the Ani interview and then a deep dive into the archives of the Ani DiFranco Appreciation Club. AS definitely makes the my world a better place.

  8. With “Supergirl” coming back on Monday, I’m wavering on watching the show live and watching it on the high seas. In the response to this (so that I don’t spoil anybody) I’ll elucidate my feelings.

    • 1) They’ve said that Saturn Girl is coming, and that she’ll be Mon-El’s wife. The Karamel’s reaction to this news is really…disturbing. The way that the either hope for her death or demonize her in order to assure themselves that Karamel will get back together again disgusts me.
      2) With Saturn Girl being his wife, I’m REALLY afraid that the CW is going to make this into a love triangle. It was bad enough what they did to Kara when she was Mon-El’s only love interest, what they would do to her if this happened turns my stomach. I just want Mon-El to have matured (it’s been 10 years for him) and moved on…..I also want him to leave at the end of that storyline.
      3) Alex and Maggie are breaking up. I’m actually happy about this. With Floriana Lima leaving (who can blame her), I was afraid that Sanvers would have a long distance relationship so that the CW could have all the benefits of having a gay person on screen, without her actually doing anything gay.
      4) It’s been rumored that Maggie will leave before the crossover event and that Alex will have a fling with Sara Lance. Hmmm…I’m conflicted about this. On the one hand, Alex just broke up. On the other hand, it’s Alex and Sara.
      5) James is going to get a love interest this season. Mehcad Brooks said that the woman was in the room with him when they did a “Supergirl” panel. Katie McGrath was in the room, as was Odette Annable. I might enjoy James and Reign, but NO! to James and Lena. They have nothing in common, James has displayed his dislike for the Luthors (Including Lena) on many occasions, and it would be done just for pairing purposes.

      • not too excited for it to be honest! just hope Floriana new tv show or movie comes up soon. She is such a good actress. I really enjoyed watching Allegiance and the Family, they cancelled those shows way too fast…

        • Yes!!! No one I know watched The Family and I had no one to scream to it about!!! ! And after that finale???? I was like THE SHOW MUST GO ON but it didn’t…

          Yeah it’d be great if she gets something soon, I loved her in both Supergirl and the Family! Okay, well if you’re not too excited, might be good enough just to keep it to casual tumblr viewing then

          • That show totally deserved a Season 2. Floriana gave an interview saying the main writer or producer had spoke to the cast and explained what would happen. She said the stories would of been even more surprising.
            Networks cancels good shows way too fast a lot of times and keep bad shows for ages on air…

    • I am ridiculously nosy so I read the comment because even though I stopped watching Supergirl, I MUST know what’s going on, and I’ve got to say, watching it on the high seas seems like a good option though this could also be because I just read the sailing part in Anna Kendrick’s book

      How’ve you felt about the last season? Trying to decide if I should get back into it!

        • Mm okay, I think I dipped right before they took Lena on the space ship (and that’s the only one I want to see)? I’m really wary of where they could possibly go next but maybe I’ll just look at the Lena Luthor episodes!

  9. Having been super grumpy about moving away from Bristol (UK) to York (UK) I’ve been in Bristol this week and super grumpy about not already being all settled in York. But I walked to Girl Guide pantomime practice today against a glorious sunset backdrop and collected a pocketful of leaves and flowers. I think it’s going to be ok

    • Hey Suzy, welcome to York! Hope you feel more settled soon but it takes a lot of time, in my experience! Anyway, if you’re back in York tonight (and see this in time!) you should go to Hot Crush at The Crescent (near the station) for some live music and dancing with lots of cute queers 🙂 if you’re into that! I’m missing it myself cause I have a rly bad cold but 100% recommend.

    • hope you get to settle in soon, but definitely understand the grumpiness, it can’t be easy

      happy you got to have such a lovely walk to practice, i sure do hope everything’s gonna be okay

    • It takes me so long to settle in a place! I look at other students doing a semester abroad and im just like, how can you make friends in 4 months? It takes me a good 6 months just to set down the groundwork! And thats not even considering getting confiendt and settled in a new job!

      Whatever pace you’re going at, you’re doing really well, great job.

  10. So Stardew Valley is my goto recommend for people who don’t like FPS games. You could also try some of the more Choice and Consequences stuff like Wolf Among Us or Life is Strange if you like narrative focused stuff. And obviously Gone Home is queer gaming canon although there are some debates out there on whether they handle a sensitive topic appropriately. I think they do the thing they do to undercut a shitty trope though. I loooooove the new tomb raiders, but those are just straight up 3rd person action adventure games with a leveling system. I’m so glad someone else out there is into The Good Place! I think they’re doing fun things with morality and time and love and fate. I wish you all the best in your endeavor to manifest and Tahani and Eleanor pairing.

    • perfect perfect perfect!! I was looking at Stardew Valley because everyone recommends it and I got Gone Home when it was on sale maybe earlier this year and this is def a push to finish it! I’m thinking maybe I’ll get Life is Strange and Before the Storm after all of the latter comes out and have a massive playthrough? And I’m gonna look into the new tomb raiders that sounds fun! Ahhh thank you for the recs!!

      YES I just watched the new episode today and I’m just really excited about where they can go storytelling wise!!!!! (I was so not ready for them to do so much in tat first episode??? I was like who knows where they’ll go from here??? and I’m amazed that I’m just like…..I would probably watch every variation forever how did they make this place so infinitely wow and still make me feel like we’re running out of time???)and honestly I’m ready for Tahani and Eleanor to lowkey hate each other cause that is the stuff of good fic beginnings is it not? Enemies to friends to lovers, here I come! Haha thank you for the well wishes, it’s a heavy load to carry but I will do my best

      • THAT FIRST EP OF SEASON 2!!!!! Right!? But they are dropping lots of Eleanor is attracted to Tahani hints so I’m picking that up too and it’s probably just a throwaway joke but they also had the cool left turn for Eleanor when she decided to honor the friendship in Season 1 so I dunno. I also love Chidi so much though and they are obviously “good” for each other. So maybe they can end up in a poly thing all together with Jason as their adult dependent? I don’t feel like I’ve seen a series play with time this way on TV maybe ever (I mean other than Dr. Who but that’s still different). Also the discordancy between the stakes of what’s happening and the color palette of the show if it were a frozen yogurt flavor I would EAT IT EVERY DAY.

        The first tomb raider is soooo good. It’s just you on this island alone saving your friends from a walking army of toxic masculinity. I don’t think there are any jump scares? There is some creepy tunnel crawling though.

        Re: stardew valley I wasn’t sure if folks who weren’t nostalgic for Harvest Moon would dig it. But my wife loooooves it and does not have Deep Rooted Harvest Moon 64 love in her heart. Oh and your going to be like this fishing mechanic is impossible no one could do this, but then you will level up and it will get waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy easier. So stick with it, because its fun once you get it levelled just a little bit.

      • I’m going to jump in to say YES YES 100% STARDEW VALLEY LOVE!!! Honestly it’s a dangerous game for me because if I start playing I’ll keep playing for so many hours and not even realize it. Also one of my favorite things about it was that I was able to have like 6 girlfriends for a while and then married my true love and now we have a baby and a cat and a farm and it’s gr8.

  11. I’m still butt-deep in law school but yesterday I found out I’m not totally wrong and my outline for Contracts isn’t an unfixable mess, so yay!
    (Also my Property law professor may actually become my Annalise Keating which…I should probably be more concerned about.)
    Plus in like 2 hours I’m flying to Chicago to see my best friend and I’m really excited for that.

    • YAYYY TO HAVING NON-UNFIXABLE MESSES

      I’m with you in the probably being worried about your professor being Annalise Keating but I’m also a couple of episodes behind so there may be hope for your professor yet?

      Funny enough my best friend just started law school and that is all I have to say on that because aside from Legally Blonde and the few things I’m understanding but probably also just pretending I understand on HTGAWM, this is all I can offer you in that area

      AHHH YES I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST TIME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND THIS IS WONDERFUL NEWS AND WHAT A WAY TO START THE WEEKEND

  12. NHL regular season started this week, so I’m excited about that.

    I bought more gay stuff online. So I can be easily identified as a lesbian. Because fuck these people, I’m not ashamed and I’m not going back in the closet.

    • HELL YES BUY MORE GAY STUFF BE UNASHAMED LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE

      Ahh which team do you root for? I am like not well versed in NHL but my family is very into it and I want another team to root for!

      • Chicago Blackhawks. We didn’t have hockey in the south when I was growing up. Discovered it in college from my northerner friends. Started following Blackhawks because of Chelios. It was kind of random. When we got hockey in NC I still lived in Asheville. But at first the Hurricanes played in Greensboro. So the drive was doable. The tickets were cheap too. I had already committed to the hawks though. I’m a leo say it’s impossible for me to switch loyalties.

  13. I had a public breakdown on facebook and embarrassed the hell out of myself, had therapy and saw a new psychiatrist on the same day, and started a new medication, so now I feel like a lemon that has been zested.

    Now the good parts:

    It’s so nice outside (AUTUMN IS HERE, MOSTLY*) and I found a new filter extension for facebook so I can block anything political or world news related and still stay in touch with friends without losing my mind.

    I just watched the 2007 adaptation of Northanger Abbey and it is DELIGHTFUL. Mr Tilney is such a nerd and Catherine is adorable and I am very very bi and I could not stop giggling, which I haven’t done in a while.

    I’m replaying the Dragon Age series and I cannot stop romancing Isabela no matter how hard I try. And I’m still mad that Cassandra is straight. (I flirt with her anyway.)

    *autumn in Georgia doesn’t really start until November anymore. It’s lovely and cool outside but you still can’t wear a jacket unless you want to sweat.

    • I also had a public breakdown on Facebook this week and embaarrassed myself and I’m just letting you know you’re not alone and like sparkymcdragon said you should be proud of yourself cause you are doing the damn hard and tough and brave things

      I’m so glad there are such good parts (I’ve never seen Northanger Abbey and the all caps delightful has bumped it to the top of my to watch list, thanks)

      every time I see or hear the word Georgia, Ray Charles starts singing in my brain YAYYYY AUTUMN IS ALMOST HERE FOR YOU

      • Breakdown twinz! I hope you’re doing better now. Thanks for your support, both of you. I’m so glad I have Autostraddle at the end of the day.

        Also, Carey Mulligan has some truly excellent cleavage in Northanger. Just, you know, in case you needed another reason to watch it.

  14. Getting married in a month so YAY for that! But so stressed and frustrated with immigration for not giving me a definitive date for the interview before the actual wedding so I can finally have the proper visa! Have to prove to them that is not a fake wedding and all that…

    So yeah quitting a job, waiting for immigration to do their thing and packing everything to move to another country has been super stressful. Not the greatest week because of a couple arguments with my fiancée.
    Any advice from people who has gone through this?

    • Hi latinbee,
      Can’t speak to the immigration part (hope that all goes ok for you!) but I have done the getting married thing. The best thing we did was this: we decided we were going to have an awesome day. We were going to stand up in front of all the people we cared about most and make a public commitment to each other and they were all going to support us in that, and that was going to be amazing, and anything else was just details. Anything that went “wrong,” we were just going to view as an opportunity to support each other, as story fodder and something to laugh about. Of course that wouldn’t have worked on any actual tragedies, but for the stuff you’re really more likely to have to deal with, it works great. Had to carry a super-heavy crate of dishes up four flights of stairs in 100+-degree heat? A chance to show each other our muscles and take care of each other by making sure the other one wasn’t having to do more than half the work. Feet killing us after a very long day getting the wedding space ready? A chance to trade foot rubs. Etc.

      We had a wonderful wedding and have a great marriage. I hope you do too.

      • Happy you had a great day!
        My fiancée wanted something that would be just for us, so City Hall wedding first. After that we will have a nice afternoon with close friends and family. Honeymoon for 2 weeks then so that will be great after all the craziness.

        Immigration sucks a lot of times and they can be so slow to give any information lol At least the guy I have to deal with is pretty honest in saying that I had to do a few extra things because of where I come from…

  15. Hoo boy, this week. Ostritching is what I want to do but am always sucked into the internet machine and my poor heart is shredded on the regular (curse this office zombie life).
    TV! I started watching Will & Grace. I was a tiny, self-denying baby queer when it was on TV originally, and I didn’t really get it, so watching the reboot is… interesting. Not entirely sure what I think about it; the first two episodes were funny but also they *tried* to be funny (something that sometimes irks me)- although I do love the show’s acknowledgement of that trying, and of their attempts to be current.
    This weekend I’m dyeing my hair midnight blue! It’s currently magenta-pink and I’ve been feeling weird about it sometimes- in my mind it signals femme with neon lights and blaring horns on those days when I feel neutral or more masc leaning and it’s really hard to not take my desk scissors and chop it off so that the itchy feeling in my brain goes away! Super excited!

    • Ahh midnight blue is such a great color!!!

      I saw a glimpse of the new Will & Grace and I can definitely see them trying too hard, it’s something I really liked where it was (I didn’t watch it til maybe five or six years ago but it felt best to stay like not current)

      CURSE THE OFFICE ZOMBIE LIFE maybe you can fit something of comfort in there too? Everyone tells me cat videos make you feel the best so maybe one or two of those can help (I’ve got an app that blocks 45 with pictures of kittens and it’s very helpful!)

  16. Glad you were able to chat 6 hours with your friend. It’s therapeutic and healing as you said. Which version of the Raspberry Pi did you get? Version 1, 2, 3 or Zero? I was close to getting one years ago to run Kodi media center, but I think at the time there was was Netflix issue. I saw that Intel x86 based Chromebox devices going for not much more, which then lead to the Intel NUC Linux(Ubuntu) route. Works great for media/entertainment. Also, in tech related news I called Google support and they gave me a complimentary upgraded to a newer phone with twice the storage; not bad for an ebay phone. Should last me at least 2 years(which was the goal for phone that’s about to get replaced).

    How’s everyone’s week going? Mines has been alright. The fast went well as did the whole being in Shul all day. The queer flaky queer who I like dig, and have intimate with gave me the excuse that her phone line has been acting up. I don’t believe it, and I keep trying to ignore her, but she keeps popping up on OKC and tinder all the fucking time. I dunno what to do. Like she pretty cute, but also not the best at communications with me or something. Fuck I need help, or another queer(not cis guy and possibly Jewish) who likes me.

    On the plus side, I made a new friend last week and meet up on Sunday at The Planet(Cuties Coffee) for their queers, coffee, and donuts event. She was very lovely and the vegan donuts and tea as usual were great. Then afterwards I met up with two lovely queer/pan gals at the annual Amber Rose Slut Walk. Didn’t make it to the walk but the festivities itself was very cool, very woc focused, and kind of queer(Amber’s bi if I remember correctly). It also felt a little cis, but it’s slowly changing. I also saw Best Selling Author Gabby Dunn, but I was too timid/nervous to say hi to her. She’s way more cooler in person. I also got my lips glittered in purple from a black woman run company and had some lovely woc makeup artits(had a bit of a queer vibe). Plus, Amber Rose has an great stage presence. Really cool event.

    Some images from the event, not my posters.


    Also got these neat pins at one of the booths there for a dollar each.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend!

    • I got the Raspberry Pi 3! I lowkey want to be the black version of Root from Person of Interest and Eliot from Mr. Robot but I gotta take it one step at a time. I have a chromebook but I still love the idea of building something from all those parts if I have the chance! (It makes me feel like Rodney Copperbottom from the critically acclaimed movie, Robots)

      That’s fantastic! And definitely not bad for an ebay phone 😀

      Happy your fast went well. Hoping that another queer who likes you (and you like back) and is good at communicating comes around soon!

      It’s like my most recent dream to attend Amber Rose’s Slut Walk and it sounds SO COOL THESE PINS ARE GREAT AND THANK YOU FOR THE PICS

      So great to have you in the thread this week!

      • The version 3 is pretty cool, I’ve seen people using the 2 and the Zero(and I’m sure the 3 too) in their cars as their media setup and diagnostic tool. Kind of something I want to do. I’ll also have to recheck the movie robots as I don’t remember it. Hmm

        If you are ever in Los Angeles area in hot-ish October, that’s when her event usually is(this was her 3rd and biggest). I think you’d really dig it, feminism, woc, pasties, and a great vibe! Thank you for the kind comments, I hope you have a great weekend!

  17. hi friends! umm i might be seeing the girl i went on first date with again? it’s a second lesbian date, y’all! i promise i’ll just bring myself and my wallet and leave the uhaul behind. for now.
    the other exciting new things happening in my life are: the first full week of fall classes, all of which are great — body politics seminar, english grammar, and shakespeare — with great professors; getting back into gear at work and successfully printing TWO whole issues of a newspaper despite every week feeling like oooohhhhh my god we’re never going to get this done! this deadline wants to kill me, personally! everything is chaos!
    the less good thing happening in my life is that i feel the worst parts of my mental illness creeping back in and i’m not entirely sure what to do about it. the last time i had a Truly Horrible Awful Scary moment, it was summer and i basically just rode it out by rotting on the couch not eating for weeks until it passed (??) more or less by itself and i was forced to get it together so i could go away to school. but now i’m IN school, and not at home, and i don’t know how to deal with it when i have to, like, do life on a daily basis. i’m looking into therapy but that means $$$ i don’t have and talk therapy is hard to find without a psychiatrist who wants to put you on a million medications and get you out of their office as quick as possible. and finding a therapist who’ll be receptive to my issues and not try to blame all of my problems on my being gay or internalized homophobia or w/e to the detriment of looking at anything else in my life. i don’t know. anyone have tips for finding therapy that’s mildly-disordered-eating/probably-OCD-gay-lady friendly?
    sorry that was such a bummer note to end on, y’all. but on a happier note, second date! second date! wish me luck!

    • Our issues are different, but I like my therapist who is a Clinical Social Worker which i thin is a Masters in psychology? She literally can’t prescribe drugs. Psychology Today has a find a therapist tool will let you click specific features you’re looking for them to treat and you can check whether they treat queer folks or OCD folks or whatever. Most of them do sliding scale if you email/call their front desk and talk to them, especially if their bio indicates they volunteer with queer organizations. I had to e-mail like call 5 or 6 people to find one who was taking new patients, but I like this one a lot. I’ve also been trying to routinize myself more and have been doing meditation every AM using Headspace which I like, but it took a month or two to notice the effects.

    • Seconding the comment on looking for a therapist who is not a psychiatrist! In a lot of places (in the US), psychiatrists really only prescribe medication with follow-up visits to make sure you don’t need dosage adjustments or a new prescription or anything and aren’t as interested in talk therapy with their patients. They also might charge more per hour?

      Instead, look for:
      LCSW (Licensed Social Worker)
      PsyD (Doctorate of Psychology)
      and maybe Master’s in Psychology too?

      Ways to find a therapist:
      1. Insurance companies have databases with providers in their network. Major insurances companies now have this information online. Google your insurance company + “find a doctor” or something similar to find their search tool. A lot of them let you search by type of doctor, specialty (for example, OCD and/or LGBT), and location. You can also access this information by calling the Customer Service number (or patient number or member number or whatever it’s called on the back of your insurance card) and telling them you are looking for a therapist (not psychiatrist) who is in X neighborhood and specializes in Y. In my experience, it’s a grueling process because the databases are not kept up-to-date and you have to contact a *lot* of therapists before you actually find someone who is where you need, still accepts your insurance, etc.
      2. Ask your regular doctor (primary care provider) for a recommendation.
      3. Ask your student health center or counseling center for a recommendation.
      4. Ask the LGBT center at your school for a recommendation.
      5. Are you going to school in a town/city/wherever with a non-school affiliated LGBT center? They might have recommendations or even therapists on-site.
      6. Literally Google “therapist LGBT [your town name]”. This might be how I found my current therapist but I don’t remember.
      7. Some therapists offer Skype therapy so that could be something to look for too!

      Pick whichever method sounds best to you and start hunting. Always ask if they accept your insurance (if you have any) and ask if they have sliding scales.

      Finding a therapist sucks because it can take a lot of work from someone who is struggling and doesn’t have much energy left. Getting help shouldn’t be so hard. It’s a good idea to find someone sooner rather than later because it can be harder if your mental health gets worse and it sounds like you’re being proactive there!

      I’m not saying you won’t be able to find a therapist that’s eating disorder/OCD/gay-lady friendly, but I would recommend deciding which of those is the most important to you. For example, most therapists can diagnose OCD and engage in talk therapy treatment even if they don’t specialize or have a clinical interest in OCD. And they’d be able to help you find a therapist for, say, cognitive behavior therapy if you decided you wanted a different kind of therapy specific to addressing OCD. But also, just because a therapist specializing in eating disorders doesn’t advertise experience with the LGBT community doesn’t mean they will blame all your problems on your being gay. (And I say this from experience – I decided I wanted an LGBT therapist more than I cared about finding someone who specialized in my particular mental things and it’s been going really well.)

      I hope I’m not totally overloading you with information here.

      AND, I hope you have an enjoyable second date!! 😀

    • if you are in College maybe is a good idea to see what the LGBT centre may offer. They usually have connections to mental health and related services.
      When you call any of therapists make sure to ask what type of approach they take, not only about medication. Some of them give more exercises and like for you to take notes, other take a less hands on approach and just talk more…
      It all depends on how comfortable you are with different practices. It might be a couple tries before you find a good match in therapy

    • people are offering much more helpful comments than I could but I do agree that seeking out social workers are definitely more helpful (I believe my therapists are licensed social workers and they kinda outsource psychiatrists), I don’t have a lot of info but if you need to talk and stuff especially about therapy/finding the right therapist I can try!

      Good luck on your second date!!!

  18. Friends, I need your love and support. Last night I confessed to my wife that I’m not sure if I love her as much as she loves me. She took it remarkably well, said that it was just a feeling and not something I should feel bad about, and that we should take time to think before we do anything about this. I think she’s right but my emotions are swirling and I feel like a horrible person and I already miss her even though I don’t know that we’re splitting up. I don’t know how to process all these feelings and I don’t know how to go on with my normal life now that I’ve said what I felt like I had to say. She’s being so sweet about it.

    • Kate,
      Your wife thinks you are worth being kind and compassionate and loving to, and being patient with, and has faith in you, and she knows you better than anyone else, right? So trust her judgment. Be kind and patient with yourself while this huge feelings thing moves into your head or moves through it and back out again. Maybe it will pass and you will love her even more because of the grace she is showing right now. Maybe it will stay and you will decide you do have to make a change, but if you act with integrity (as it sounds like you are) and kindness, you both may hurt but you both will heal. Good luck.

    • It’s a bit of a cliché, but “love” is a verb. If you have loving feelings towards your wife, even though your feelings for each other are unevenly yoked, then you might find yourself more evenly yoked if you put effort into loving her more. Dont pour your energy into feeling guilty or wishing your feelings were stronger – act! Love!

      I hope that, whatever the outcome, you both find the love you deserve to feel and to receive.

    • Your wife is right. Give yourself time to figure out things and talk to her, be honest. Feelings are confusing a lot of times and it gets overwhelming. I know you don’t want to hurt her but don’t force quick solutions…
      Just take a breath and check if this is consequence of other things that have been bothering you. Maybe other aspects of your life are influencing how you fell (friendships, work, changes you want to make). Relationships change and our behaviour in them as well…
      I know it is overwhelming but don’t feel guilt for feeling this way. And try to not compare your relationship to others. We tend to do that a lot and miss the fact that everyone deals with issues.

    • You’re not a horrible person and I agree with Iaarrann me, that your wife believing you’re worthy of kindness and compassion, patience and faith is definitely true and you are deserving of those things, especially when you’re going through something as difficult as this.

      Sending love and support.

  19. Well I had my wallet stolen yesterday soooo that wasn’t great because now I have to figure out how to reorder my driving license and health card and everything bureaucratic in Spain is a nightmare. Good thing is I’m broke as hell (which obvs normally isn’t a good thing lol) so I didn’t lose any money at all. Alsoooo the police woman who processed it for me was suuuuuuuuuuper hot! And really nice! I actually forgot my ID number because I was in awe of the hotness hahahah!

    Last night I got very drunk but I had fun and partied, but today I’m nursing my hangover and my period which is not a winning combination.

    Here’s to the rest of the weekend improving!

  20. Hey pals, I’m tired. Are you tired? I am so tired. I know everyone is excited about jackets, but what it really means is cold and flu season is here. All you queers with the sniffles and a cough to rival the bark of a great dane, I see you. Let’s all have an early night.

  21. I ordered Miss Kitty Fantastico a phone! Seriously! They call it a pet gps, but it has a SIM card and I can call and talk to her on it. Having grown up with the introduction of pagers and mobile phones for children (“it’s kind of expensive, but at least we always know where they are”) it’s soooo blizzare to me to have that exact same rationalisation about my cat. I can beep (well, vibrate) my cat so she knows it’s time to run home for dinner! Like the kids on the playground in those 1990’s infomercials! (Unlike those kids’ parents, I can also get a message on my phone when my cat gets too close to the main road, and 24 hour tracking logs).

    I also bought a hair trimmer and my partner got me to work some faded undercut magic (thanks, YouTube tutorials!) so now we both have undercuts and do each other’s hair.

    • THAT IS SO COOL the problem is I’d talk to my pets all the time (like if I had em). People would try to start small talk, but I’d be like, “Sorry, I’ve got to take this.” and then spend the next twenty minutes of a party talking to my dog.

      YAYYY doing each other’s hair !!!

  22. We don’t celebrate Halloween in my house, so I always get strangely excited whenever I see other people prepping for it?? I just love the anticipation and people changing their twitter names to something spooky. I’m going to have my own personal Halloween celebration by watching The Descendants 2,re-watching Over The Garden Wall and watching some Halloween let’s plays from Geek Remix, one of my fave YouTube channels.

    So last week I found out I got this ‘scholarship’ I applied for! it’s not a really scholarship, for school its from an organisation that supports children’s writers and illustrators.They call it that because it’s for POC who who would struggle to afford the cost of their conference (£250)and membership (£90 per year), so I’m getting both. I also get a manuscript critique, which is??? I almost cried when I found out cuz I’ve been working on this novel for so long and someone else thinks it has promise too.

    Also I got free pizza and cheesy garlic bread and BBQ wings today. Long story short my brother ordered pizza, and wings and wedges for me. The wrong pizza and garlic bread was brought instead. We got our order afresh and we got to keep the wrong order too 🙂

    • Over the Garden Wall is perfect for fall and now I gotta rewatch it thank you for the reminder!

      WAIT. WAIT. THAT IS SO AMAZING CONGRATULATIONS I CAN’T WAIT TO READ YOUR BOOKS I CAN’T WAIT AND THE WORLD IS GONNA BE SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE YOUR ART IS IN IT

      Yes more food than you expected that’s the right way to start a Friday night!

  23. Hi! My therapist is starting me on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and here’s the thing: I take issue with this idea that thoughts are contingent upon having language. And also, the idea that the observing self isn’t also just a thought. are we not our thoughts? Can I unthink myself

      • Spiritually speaking, you can! At least, the “yourself” as defined here. It’s kind of the whole purpose with many forms of mysticism. There are many terms for it, but the one I come into contact with most these days is “ego death”.

        What’s left is your connection to the One, the Universe, God, [insert your spiritual tradition here] and the experience of your true self, your higher self, enlightenment, your holy guardian angel, [insert your spiritual tradition here]… along with the realisation, of course, that “you” are not actually your thoughts or experiences.

    • OKAY I’M BACK BYOTCHES
      come sit with me I share recipes. :3

      DISCOVERIES:

      1) Pumpkin spice CHEERIOS are delish and CHOCOLATE cheerios exist

      a] cheerio pie crust recipe!!!

      2 1/2 cups cheerios
      3 tbsp. sugar or firmly packed brown sugar
      1/3 cup butter (melted)

      Heat oven to 350°F. Using food processor (or baggie smash method), finely crush cereal.

      In medium bowl, mix crushed cereal and sugar with fork. Stir in melted butter until well mixed. Press in bottom and up side of ungreased 9-inch pie plate.

      Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool completely, about 30 minutes. (This crust performs best with a creamy no-bake type filling.)

      NOW I haven’t tried it yet but y’all I needed to share it, ask me if you want a link to where I got it.

      b] Pumpkin pie cheerio bars
      https://www.laurenslatest.com/pumpkin-pie-cheerios-bars/

      2) Sautee minced(ish) carrots in a rice dish are the bomb, I’m probably never going to carrot medallions again and I can’t julienne for shit.

      a] Said it before that I’m kinda relearning to cook because it turns out I’m allergic to onions and what I’m doing to replace onions meshes really well with my cooking style, it feels magical.

      b] What I do is like curry and stir fry had a baby

      c] I REALLY need to learn more about curry dishes but have no idea where to start. Already knew some of my favourite spices to use are commonly used in a bunch of curries, and that curry is very expansive umbrella-ish word

      3) Celery is totally boss, and my holy trinity is now Celery, Poblano Peppers and Garlic with a Host of Angels aka my spice rack+magic spice mixing powers

      • I love your love-child cooking style ! and I am totally inspired by your combo of celery poblano and garlic.

        Have you heard of “bhuna” (aka “bhoona”) cooking method ? It’s sauteeing the spices in ghee (clarified butter) first, until it forms a paste, then adding the rest of the ingredients for a quick sautee.

        I had a small book called “Curries without worries” which served as a good introduction to Indian curry. The actress Madhur Jaffrey has a bunch of books out, but saints preserve us, there are a lot of ingredients and steps in her recipes. I also like the cookbook from the Bombay Palace, not as convoluted as Ms Jaffrey’s.

        And of course there’s now the Internets which is where I get most of my inspiration. I’ve become fond of short ingredient lists and even shorter cooking instructions.

        Bummer about being allergic to onions! They’re kind of omnipresent in Indian cooking, but you might be interested in looking at Ayurvedic recipes for inspiration because they don’t use onions or garlic (which is kind of a deal breaker for me, I’m most fond of garlic). It’s also mostly vegetarian though, not sure that’s your thang.

        The Caribbean curries are really awesome of course, and there’s this fabulous Chinese-style curry with huge chunks of potatoes and carrots (and meat if you wish), so comforting.

        Have fun on your journey through Curry !

        • Thank you so much for all this info!

          Never heard bhuna, Indian cuisine is a rarity where I live. There’s only 2 restaurants I know of and neither of them are take out.

          Have a question though is it dried/dehydrated onion that’s omnipresent in Indian cooking or fresh onion?

          Fresh onion is the problem for me. Dried I can ration out my exposure with little consequence.

          • Hi,

            The recipes call for fresh onions. Do you have issues with shallots ? They seem to be halfway between a garlic clove and an onion.

            You can experiment with dry onion though, from what I’ve seen and tasted, curries are very adaptable.

            Geez I’m late with this reply, so sorry…

  24. hello everyone. here in brazil we don’t really celebrate Halloween, but lately feels like we, Brazilians, are living an eternal Halloween party of the worst kind. recently, a judge allowed “gay cure” to be legal. he even gave a fancy name for it: “sexual REORIENTARION”. yeap. real story. our political scenario is getting more and more fascist, and a guy called Bolsonaro (a Brazilian trump) is getting a lot of support from the population. Ellen Page interviewed him when she was here in Brazil and… well, poor girl. he’s the worst type of person, really.

    other than this, I’ve been planning to drop a 7 years of law career, move to Canada and study something completely different (such as… 3d animation). feels super scary (and exciting) (but “scary” wins). I’m also planning to be more active here, because I’ve been a reader for yeeears and i almost never say a thing.

    • That sounds awful. Is there anything outsiders can do to help the lgbtq community there? Good luck with the career move, though you may need to stock up on jackets and gloves that work with phones.

      • I still don’t know! Brazil is a mix of house of cards and the handmaid’s tale right now, you know? Unbelievable. One of these days a woman with her daughter were attacked because a guy thought they were a gay couple. Dark times. The gay community here is terrified with all the recent news. ?

        • I wouldn’t know as I’m from down the coast in sunny California, but they did have a winter Olympics there after all. Side note: west coast of oceans tend to be colder than east coast of oceans, but in return west coast offers much better surfing activities.

          • The winter Olympics took place in Winnipeg! Super super cold indeed. I live in a city called Aracaju, which is in the Brazilian Northeast. Basically the most tropical part of a tropical country. and yes: the water is very warm. ?

        • As a lawyer who speaks English you’d have some advantage in the Canadian immigration points system, though everyone who wants to move to Canada should keep in mind that the state is not as friendly to immigrants and refugees as Justin Trudeau’s tweets would have you believe.

          Vancouver is rainy and devoid of sunshine, but not that cold. They barely had enough snow for the Olympics (the other winter Olympics were in Calgary, but avoid Winnipeg if you can, it’s the coldest). Depending on your economic situation, keep in mind that the rental markets in Vancouver and Toronto are the most expensive, but they are also the most ethnically diverse cities and both would be good for 3d animation. Avoid Quebec if you speak no French, but if you do, consider it because it’s cheap and very queer-friendly. Some cities have agencies that welcome LBGTQ newcomers, so keep your eye out for those too.

          Best of luck to you Susana, Canada would be lucky to have you.

          • Thank you so much for your comment! I’m already on the final stage of the Express Entry immigration system. Luckiky I’ve got all the points I needed because of graduation, specialisation and other things.

            I’m aware of Vancouver/Toronto crazy rental market. It’s really something to consider, but I think it’ll be alright! I’ve been studying french as well, even through I don’t have immediate plans of going there right now. But I really liked your description of Quebec, so who knows? Better prepare for it anyway! Sounds lovely over there.

            I can’t hardly wait to move to Canada, really. I had a lot of good moments working with law, but most of the time it just feels… frustrating and blaaah. I don’t even have words for it hahaha

          • Oh wow, that’s great that you’ve reached the final stage. I’m really sorry to hear about events in Brazil and my fingers are crossed that things will go smoothly for you. Check back in with us here if you need any help or have any other questions.

    • That is fucking terrible. I’m with Al, is there anything we can do?

      Good luck on your career move! I’d really love to hear about the 3d animation! I have a couple of friends who are into that/studying it but I’m still completely in awe of the whole thing

      Thank you for always reading and now commenting! we’re so glad to have you here!!

    • I’ve met many women lately who’ve gotten out of latin american countries, Venezuela, Argentina, Brasil, the horror of it all. I am so sorry.

      Come to Montréal ! We offer French immersion, we have a gay village (mostly dudes, but women hang out there too), lots of 3D design studios, and lots of places to learn computer animation to get you started. We have a huge Gay Pride, regular woman loving women meetups, a gay sports association, and more besides.

      Oh yeah, we have winter too. But with climate change, our winters (and summers) have become unpredictable. Still, I can’t lie, we have Winter, which I love, honest. It has to be experienced, you may find it … refreshing.

      • Omg hahaha this is really tempting! Seems so great! This made me realize I need to give French more attention… definitely going to visit Montreal. Is April a good month? April/May.

        Loved the word “refreshing”. A very delicate way to say that I’ll probably freeze haha some time ago, I was in the Netherlands and it was like… -10. It was very refreshing indeed. Very.

        • Yes April/May is a perfect time. Fall is very nice too, most of us love the Fall because it’s such a relief after the summer, and the colours of the trees are awesome.

          I have to chuckle though, in spite of myself and very much against my better judgment. -10 is considered warm here for Winter. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Oh dear.

  25. This has been…a rough one, y’all. I covered a friend’s shift because his girlfriend (who is also a friend of mine) was at the concert in Vegas with her mom and her friends and after going through all that he didn’t want to leave her alone. It’s not a favor I would ever hope to be in the position to give but here we are. I also found out at least two of the victims are friends of friends. For some reason I’m feeling this one especially hard.

    BUT THE GOOD! I want to share reason #7,487 why women are the best:

    So a young woman sits down for lunch where I work and orders a Mojito and a sandwich for lunch (living her best life) and a minute later she says to me “wait, try to close me out with this card right now or I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat here today.” I swipe her card and it gets declined, I tell her it’s no big deal it’s happened to me and probably half the people in the restaurant, but she’s obviously very embarrassed. I go to cancel her food order with the kitchen and when I get back it’s clear she’s trying very hard not to cry and also trying to make it look like she’s not trying not to cry and BOY do I feel for her. She has me use that card to pay for her drink (I was going to take care of it for her if her card declined again, but it didn’t) and after I give her the receipt, the woman who had been sitting just a couple seats down from her gets my attention and says to me “I want to buy her another mojito and also pay for the food she was going to get.” and you know what…not all heroes wear capes. Sometimes they wear business casual and are sitting at the bar for lunch. They spent the rest of their time sitting next to each other talking non-stop and my heart grew three sizes that day.

    ALSO my shift today ended an entire hour earlier than I was expecting and I bought a pumpkin spiced latte from my absolute favorite coffee place in the whole world and now I’m looking at an ENTIRE WEEKEND off, which has honestly not happened in probably a year and a half. I am happy.

    • That’s really hard, and I’m sorry.

      That is one of the kindest bestest stories I’ve ever read and thank God for women honestly they’re saving the world.

      YES PLEASE ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND OFF I HOPE ITS FANTASTIC

  26. Busy day: getting my Kid registered for Spring semester classes; renewing my vehicle registration; and renewing my diver’s license.

    Oh, and getting the gender marker on my license corrected! So now all of my government-issued IDs agree that I’m a lady-type person! My day has been full of exclamation points!!! (Bonus thanks to the brilliantly butch DMV clerk who processed my request without blinking an eye.)

  27. Ugh you guys. It’s been … a week? Im a first year grad student in a Chem phd program at a catholic university. And the people here are okay, but honestly I hate myself a little more every day.

    I’m back in the closet and really scared that it’s going to be like this for the next five-ish years until I graduate. And we have a gsa group, but we’ve already been told we can’t acknowledge national coming out day at all. And it just feels kinda shitty.

    So I’ve made it two months and I keep hoping it’ll get better, because from what I understand, it’s pretty much impossible to transfer phd programs and even if I were to try to apply somewhere else as a first year, they don’t look kindly upon leaving your program and it’s unlikely other programs would even take you. So I think if I want a PhD, it has to be here.

    It feels like a ridiculous reason to consider leaving a program, but I’m not sure this level of anxiety/unhappiness is sustainable for 5 years.

    • I went to Catholic high school for 4 years with anti-choice nonsense in my face and people who felt inspired by Sarah Palin.
      A social justice teacher who described queerness as inherently predatory.

      It was my only option if I wanted my ADA rights respected while trying to get my high school education.

      I feel you a bit.

      I don’t know how you manage anxiety but one of the things that helped me was volunteering at an animal shelter.

      Finding something or somewhere to decompress from your environment might help you survive it.

      • Uh, Al that is THE Protestant Bible.

        Like Catholic opposite.

        The only more opposite we can get is an early Protestant vernacular translation of the Vulgate Bible.

        Still one should mention King James had a boyfriend as much as possible. 😛
        Queer people of history need much mentioning.

    • I got no idea if you’re a Christian but in line with Al’s idea(it was good I just went Hermonie like a jerk) and thumbing my nose at hierarchy of the Church I was baptized and their bullshit excused of if Jesus was a woman there’d be woman priests but oops he was man too bad so dad

      I give you the lovely music of Abbess Hildegard von Bingen

      Gay-ass nun and first woman playwright

      mentioned in two AS pieces

      Ladies of Note: A Brief History of Women Composers, Queer and Otherwise

      Swords, Satan and Sexuality: Queer Nuns of the Past

    • National coming out week : each get a tshirt in a rainbow flag colour, every now and then all get together, casual-like and slo-mo walk down the hall.

      I feel you. I was raised Roman Catholic, but here we (the women) threw off the Church and we all went secular. Now we’re fighting other fundamentalist b*stards, sigh it never ends.

      All I can say is, the people who call themselves Catholic now are very very far from their spiritual origins. The new pope is kind of decent but I bet they’re uneasy about him, it conflicts with they bigass bigoted views.

      Gonna try to post a photo…

      And hey, I hope you can transfer out of there.

      Good luck to ya !

  28. It’s been a decent week. I finished writing a short story and it’s actually good — think queer sociological science fiction about moving out to live with Chosen Family in a completely different cultural context.

    I also wrote something on the Internet that ended up being over 3,000 words on what it was like to grow up second-gen pagan/polytheist, which really helped me work out some issues I have with current events in the community. It was actually received really well and even got positively picked up on Reddit Pagan, which was surprising to me — I guess the downside is that it’s being shared by some Hindutva people on Twitter (an ideology that I am not a big fan of for a variety of reasons), as I guess some Hindu kids in the USA gr(e/o)w up with similar bullshit. I wonder if this means that there’s a general need in the USA for teen-focused literature on how to not feel ashamed when you get religiously bullied by evangelists? Anyhow. That’s less related to being queer and more related to religion, but it’s still a thing in my life. https://kallistiessays.wordpress.com/2017/10/04/some-reflections-on-being-second-gen-paganpolytheist/

    But otherwise, my girlfriend and I are gonna buy a bunch of meat at the farmers’ market and then go buy frames for some of the secular art I’ve had hanging out in a corner in my apartment since forever.

  29. just using this open thread to tell you my dad just asked me if I remembered a certain friend of my mom I saw years ago when I was fifteen years old and freshly out as gay, obviously oblivious to the fact that this friend was one of the big Reasons I’m Gay, one of the most attractive people I have ever seen and that I will never ever forget her, how could I. I still remember having the biggest crush on her while her husband joked about how many lesbians were apparently attracted to his wife and how much she gets flirted with by other women and wondering to my whole family why that was, while I was hardcore blushing, feeling caught, dissolving into a puddle of terrifying teenager lust and thinking to myself “well…how could you not adore her”

    • this is a great comment thank you for sharing and also how did you even make it through that crush i definitely wouldve accidentally said, “I can totally see why” when the husband was like idk why lesbians keep hitting on her so also congrats on your restraint

  30. I’m taking time this week for self care. A lot has happened, so each morning I’m trying to slow things down, rekindle that beautiful inner light I know is inside of me, and laugh more.

    At work we got news our new school fell through. I have to let 3 wonderful teachers go. Worse, I’ll have to tell 20 families who have been with our preschool forever that they need to find somewhere else. I’m not even sure my job is safe in the transition. That coupled with Session’s news on trans protections really hits my sense of security and safety hard.

    Bad news has a way of stacking one by one, and then hitting all at once. My liver results came back. The doctor warns me if I continue on HRT I’ll be dead soon, and she has canceled any refills I have. So starting today, I have one more week left.

    I’m terrified. I went days without food or sleep, anxiously wonderig what life is going to look like soon. There are so many questions. Will I still be me? Can I stay mentally healthy without estrogen in my body? How will the change impact what progress I’ve alteady achieved? Will my trans community reject me now? Then I catch myself. And breathe, breathe. Slow down and breathe some more.

    I feel like the only thing I can do is try to do healthy things. Baths. Eat good food. Listen to my favorite music. Meet more with friends to vent. But despite all this, I’m still regretting everything. My life – this last year has been so magical. After a 30 year sleep, I finally feel awake, as if the my whole realty has come into focus. The numbness and aimless wandering replaces by a sense of emotion and belonging. And now to lose that – it’s like a cruel joke. I’d almost rather I never started at all. At least then I could live my life in blissful and miserable ignorance ?

  31. I’m in this odd space where all my good friends are spreading out and flourishing right now (getting engaged and starting law school and earning a dream job and breaking glass ceilings in an engineering firm and thriving in Europe and successfully trolling scores of white boys on tinder) while I’m really not. I’m so proud to know them and call them my people, but I can’t make myself stop feeling like the weakest link, and I hate that my excitement for them is so often colored by envy. I guess I’d just really love to wake up and be the person with enough of my shit together to think about them without also thinking of myself.

    That said, it’s finally fall and it’s time to get spooky and some nice things are happening. I have been pretty inspired in my creative projects lately, and I’m making things I like without getting tangled up in whether they’ll make me any money down the line. I’m listening to good music. I’m settling back into jeans and beanies. I’m not sweating on a daily/hourly basis. My elbows are staying really well moisturized in this cool weather.

    The world at large is a dumpster fire, but I’m going to ignore it for the rest of the day, i think, and just focus on the nice things.

    • Hey I think I can relate to this a bit, for a long time I felt like the weakest link (all my friends were in/graduated from college and I was like….not) and I just wanna say feeling some envy doesn’t make you a bad friend or anything and just that you’re acknowledging it already makes it like 900% better (I tend to bottle these things up and the outcome is no kind of pretty), even if it doesn’t feel like it.

      THIS SECOND PARAGRAPH THOUGH I LOVE THIS Make art it’s so great for you (and I get that money part, I’m like can I have one big project that sets me for life and then I can do all the other ones? But you’re reminding me to do the create just because it’s good for me, not to think about the money part, thank you) AND YES THIS IS WHY FALL IS SO GREAT NO MORE SWEATING WHOOOOO

      I hope you had a nice rest of your day!

  32. I am meaning to replay Uncharted: The Lost Legacy when life calms down a bit!

    Speaking of gaming, does anyone here have experience with blue light lenses? I’m interested in getting a pair for eye strain, mostly from my work computer which I probably won’t be allowed to install f.lux on (and even if they do say yes I’m never actually there after sunset so I’m not sure it’ll do much), but also for my TV which I can’t install similar apps on. I’m already using f.lux on my personal laptop and Twilight on my devices.

    • Haven’t had any personal experience with those glasses but I’m looking them up now because that sounds like something I need! Thanks for the rec!

      Also looking up Uncharted: The Lost Legacy too, hope you had a great weekend!

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