Welcome to the sixth recap of the first season of Faking It, a gothic horror story from the network that brought you Bam’s Unholy Union and From G’s to Gents.


We open in Amy’s boudoir, where our favorite fake lesbian couple, Karma and Amy, are chatting about that time Karma told that slab of roast beef she has a crush on that they could all enjoy a little three-way summer cabbage together as a family.

What do you mean Whole Foods is out of kale?!
What do you mean the comic book store had no more copies of Lumberjanes?!!!

Karma’s got some ‘splaining to do:

Karma: “You know how I thought that Liam pulled away because he wasn’t into me? Turns out he’s way into me, he just felt too guilty sneaking around behind your back. I heard that and I don’t know what came over me, I just -”
Amy: “Suggested a menage a trois?”
Karma: “Don’t worry I’m gonna tell him that I had a brief lapse in sanity. I mean, we couldn’t. We wouldn’t. You wouldn’t.” [pause] “Would you?”
Amy: “No, Karma, I would not have a fucking threesome with you and Liam!”

caption
No Karma it is not okay to use the same glass dildo with multiple partners without washing it

Cut to Blue Oasis in the Heart of Red Texas High School, where the Gay Scouts are enjoying a stroll on the promenade. Shane thinks Amy should TOTALLY have a fucking threesome with Liam.

Dude I'm telling you I can totally beatbox just gimme a minute to get my jam on
Girl, I’m telling you I can TOTALLY beatbox, I saw it on Glee

Shane: “Amy, this might as well be a big bi-curious batsignal in the sky. Karma wants you to have sex with her!”
Karma: “With her and a guy!”
Shane: “One does not suggest a threeway with one’s bff all willy-nilly. She has to be into you. In part or subconsciously or whatever.”

Amy tells Shane not to get her hopes up about Karma’s sexual desires and also re-states her lack of interest in honing Liam’s horn. Shane insists no hiding of Liam’s salami will be necessary, ’cause Liam and Amy can both focus on Karma and ignore each other. Shane’s an expert on threeways ’cause he fiddled on more than just the roof at theater camp.

Hell no I've paid half that much for a much larger baggie of cocaine
Hell no I’m not scissor-bumping you, dude

Shane: “Trust me, this is the perfect way to see how Karma feels about you!”

To be fair, every girl-boy-girl threesome situation I’ve participated in did eventually turn into a girl-girl twosome situation. Although “eventually” sometimes means like, “a year later.” But also sometimes “eventually” meant “that very same night.” What I’m saying is that ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. But before we can get too deep into this ish, Karma busts up their private convo and the Shane-Amy-Karma conversational threesome becomes an Amy-Karma conversation twosome. Amy takes a deep breath and lets it out:

Amy: “I think we should do it. The threesome, I mean.”
Karma: “Amy you’d do that for me? Are you sure about this?”
Amy: “If you’re… sure?”

Well I happen to think that a shirt with no shoulders is a big improvement on a shirt with shoulders
Doesn’t my no-shoulder shirt make you want to lick my shoulders, though?

Then they hug and Amy, knowing that she’s got a little extra leeway now, holds Karma just a little bit longer, and tighter too.

Karma: “Oh my G-d Amy I love you I promise it won’t be weird at all!”
Amy: “I’m not sure that there’s a way around that.”

Affirmative.

Are you wearing a leather harness?
Uhhh are you wearing my leather harness to school again because something is poking me

Snap to a room whose identity is currently under contention: Shane says it’s his yoga room, Lauren says it’s her dance studio and I say it’s a room for me to dance around to the Spring Awakening soundtrack in private. Apparently Lauren’s practicing for the Lone Star Big Ranch Steakhouse Supreme Dance Tango Event Hurrah. In fact, she’s currently awaiting the arrival of her dance partner.

Shane: “Ah, Bigot Barbie comes with her own Closet Case Ken.”
Lauren: “Bigot? For the record, I’ve never been anti-gay. I’ve just been anti-you.”

No, FOR YOUR INFORMATION I've been told that my vagina smells like a tequila sunrise
No, FOR YOUR INFORMATION I’ve been told that my vulva smells like a tequila sunrise

Then, Lauren’s dance partner, Pablo, arrives in his Warblers uniform and announces that he’s not a closet case.

What. It's Versace.
What. It’s Versace.

However, Pablo tripped on a nail gun at Habitat For Humanity last weekend which means Lauren’s got no dance partner for the big dancey dance dance! Obvs Shane volunteers, narrowly beating out Bradley Cooper’s character from Silver Linings Playbook for the prized spot on the twosome team.

Pablo: “We don’t have time for an audition montage. Shane’s here, he’s willing — don’t you wanna win?”

And then all of the birds in the entire forest flew right onto my outstretched arms, and that's when I knew that I was one with nature forever
And then all of the birds in the entire forest flew right onto my outstretched arms, and that’s when I knew that I was one with nature forever

Snap over to The Metal Lounge, where Liam’s supes nervous to see Amy and Karma in front of his meatface. He splurges water all over himself just thinking about these two ladies scissoring.

G-DDAMMIT RIESE LEFT ANOTHER VODKA-FILLED WATER BOTTLE IN THE FRIDGE AND DID NOT LABEL IT AS SUCH
G-DDAMMIT RIESE LEFT ANOTHER VODKA-FILLED WATER BOTTLE IN THE FRIDGE AND DID NOT LABEL IT AS SUCH

Karma: “Liam, you remember Amy.”
Liam: “Of course, hello, Amy.”
Amy: “Hey, let’s have a threesome.”

You guys. You guys I just love Amy so much.

I can't wait to suck his brains out of his head and feed them to the dark overlord of the underworld for brunch
I can’t wait to suck his brains out of his head and feed them to the dark lesbian overlord of the underworld for brunch

Anyhow, Liam’s shocked and awed — he’d assumed Karma was just joking and full of empty promises, just like all those other ladies who promised threesomes and never followed through.

Karma: “Well, we’re lesbians. Our word is our bond.”
Amy: “Our people never joke about threesomes. It’s a whole…thing.”

It’s true, we only joke about veganism, moving trucks and Jenny Schecter. Anyhow, Amy says they’re totes sure, if he’s sure, and like, also if they’re both sure, and is he sure though? Or is he unsure? Well here’s the thing: he is absolutely sure, like for sure sure.

Liam: “I just don’t want you to think that I’m some womanizing heteronormative bro dude who’s gonna brag to his buddies. You know, I’m just all for openness and sexual exploration.”

HAHAHA TOO LATE.

Oh wow, so
Oh wow, soooo it looks like my prescription is ready at Walgreen’s so gotta bounce

Amy’s like okay neat, let’s pick a time. How is Saturday. Everybody feels great about Saturday!

Liam: “Should I bring anything?”
Amy: “A deep fried appetizer sampler, extra calamari.”
Karma: “She’s kidding. This one! Just bring your sexy open minded self.”

Liam says he’s got this all totally under control and will provide all the things.

This girl just can't get enough of that stainless steel butt plug
This girl just can’t get enough of that stainless steel butt plug

Back in the danceathon studio, Pablo and Shane are getting to know each other. Pablo goes to a prestigious Christian prep school and Shane is like, oh wow that’s THE WORST. But Pablo says it’s totally not the worst and he hopes Shane isn’t one of those closed-minded people who hates all Christians.

Well, I'm not saying that I DID sleep with Lance Bass, but I'm also not saying that I DIDN'T
Well, I’m not saying that I DID sleep with Lance Bass, but I’m also not saying that I DIDN’T

Shane is like no I love spirituality, I just did this GOOP cleanse, and then Pablo is like, omg I also GOOP, and then Lauren and I are both like OMG STOP.


Cut to the principal’s office, where two bros are arguing about a sport involving balls on a field and one of them has a tampon in his nose and Principal Penelope Deliah Fisher is gonna get them a steak to put on that shiner.

I told him ten THOUSAND times that he needs to switch to Diva Cups but he just will not listen!
I told him ten THOUSAND times that he needs to switch to Diva Cups but he just will not listen!

Liam strolls in on his mobile to totally raid the school’s free condom supply. He’s also leaving Shane a voicemail about his impending threesome. Bro #1 and Bro #2 overhear Liam talking about a threesome and are overcome with BRO DESIRES and must immediately step in to tell Liam he’s gotta go through with this threesome with TWO HOT LESBIANS.

Bro #1: “You’re living every straight guy’s fantasy!”
Bro #2: “Screw Beckham, you’re my hero now.”
Liam: “It probably won’t happen, I don’t even have a place!”

Hey dude if you're stealing that shit to sell it on the black market then I know a guy who knows a guy, so
Hey dude if you’re stealing that shit to sell it on the black market then I know a guy who knows a guy, so

The two bros say a bunch of weirdo gross things and I want to stick tampons in their eyeballs. NEXT!

Snap to a department store where Karma has taken Amy to torture her to death. I mean “where Karma has taken Amy to watch her try on lingerie.”

HERE I AM TO TEASE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU
HERE I AM TO TEASE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU

Karma: “Does this say virgin, skank or the perfect blend of both?”
Amy: “Okay this just got very real, you’re wearing lingerie.”

Karma says it’s okay if Amy wants to back out, but Amy insists she’s totally still in. Then Karma says they should probably rehearse. Amy looks like she’d probably rather rehearse for the Spoon River Anthology than this situation.

Be honest, doesn't this remind you of the dress I wore to our very first Shedonism
Be honest, doesn’t this remind you of the dress I wore to our very first Shedonism
It looked a lot better on the floor
Oh yeah… and it looked a lot better on the floor

In the dance studio, Lauren and Shane dance around while Pablo talks about the matador and Lauren tells Shane that Pablo is too good for him.

The final act. Your final dance! You've tasted your dream. Touched it! Only to have it crushed. Your heart is broken. Wounded! Your life force fading. The blood drips. The black swan stole your love!
The final act. Your final dance! You’ve tasted your dream. Touched it! Only to have it crushed. Your heart is broken. Wounded! Your life force fading. The blood drips. The black swan stole your love!

Then Lauren shows off her ridiculous costume and Shane complains that he doesn’t get enough time to shine or a ridiculous costume.


Back at Karma’s house, Amy’s leaving Shane a voicemail about how she’s flipping out about rehearsal because blocking is hard, but Shane’s not picking up the phone! Then Karma shows up in her trenchoat and it turns out Amy’s also wearing a trenchcoat. It’s very Inspector Gadget Chic.

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But what if it doesn't rain, won't we feel silly wearing these coats
But what if it doesn’t rain, won’t we feel silly wearing these coats

Karma’s got her go-go-gadget choreography all planned out. Like Liam will be here, and then Amy will be there, and then Amy has to stop making jokes because they have to be very convincing lesbian lovers and lesbians NEVER make jokes during sex NOT EVER. The situation will open with Karma undoing Amy’s coat in a manner Karma describes as “sexy like.”

If this was tug of war, Karma would totally be winning
Wow this is the most boring game of tug-of-war ever

Removing the coat reveals Amy in her flannel boxer shorts and a white tank top, which I personally consider to be totally adorbs but seems to slightly surprise Karma.

Amy: “This seemed authentic.”

What no I swear I washed these last week
What, like I’m the first person to wear boxer shorts over my Rodeo

Amy awkwardly undoes Karma’s coat as Karma gives her sexy eyes. Beneath the coat is intense black lingerie. Amy likes what she sees and also does not want anyone to know that she likes what she sees, including maybe herself. Karma fixes Amy’s hair, smiles —

Karma: “Mmmm. You smell yummy.”
Amy: “I do?”
Karma: “Chinese food?”
Amy: “Oh, I had moo shoo pork for lunch.”

There, now you look like my favorite pet pony
There, now you look like my favorite pet pony

Then Amy’s like, “There’s nothing left to do but kiss!” and then disappoints all of us playing along here at home by smashing her hand over Amy’s face and fake-kissing her.

DON'T TELL ANYONE WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER
DON’T TELL ANYONE WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER YOU BITCH

Karma’s so excitant to lose her V-card and she says she wishes Amy could be there for the big event, which honestly is a super-gay and also weird thing to say? Regardless, Amy’s a bit confused because she thought this was a threesome, so in fact she was intending to “be there,” but Karma explains that she’d assumed Amy would only be there at first and then she would say like, “oh my g-d something terrible happened!” and then leave. Amy tries to play it cool, but she’s clearly disappointed.

Hahahaha no of course I read "To The Lighthouse" best book ever LOL
Hahahaha no of course I read all of “Infinite Jest” best book EVER! Totes shorter than it looks!

Cut to Amy calling Shane in a hot panic, insisting that if there were signs to be read in this situation, the sign Karma is holding up probs says STOP. Then! Amy has a breakthrough while leaving a voicemail:

Amy: “I’m sure if you were here you’d tell me to run right through [the stop sign] because this is my last chance to see if her and I will ever be more than best friends. And I’d roll my eyes and realize…” [has a moment].. “you’re right! It’s time I take my destiny into my own hands. If Karma expects me to leave then I have to get her to want me to stay. Shane thank you! Wherever you are!”

I ordered xanax off the internet ONCE you guys, just ONCE, and it wasn't even real xanax, and I'm not making that same mistake twice so PLEASE stop calling me
I ordered xanax off the internet ONCE you guys, just ONCE, and it wasn’t even real xanax, and I’m not making that same mistake twice so PLEASE stop calling me

I am REALLY EXCITED TO SEE WHAT THIS MIGHT LOOK LIKE.


Shane is at the Steakhorn Dance Competition wearing a ridiculous outfit. Pablo says it looks matadorable, but Lauren’s pissed and stomps off in a fury.

Do I make you wanna shoop?
Do I make you wanna shoop?

Pablo tells Shane that the move to Austin has been really hard on Lauren and that this dance is ALL SHE HAS LEFT IN THE WORLD. Besides white cis heterosexual privilege of course.

Cut to the Love Shack, where the Bros are setting Liam up with his special warming lube and pleasure condoms. Liam’s concerned that the room is a bit sleazy rather than romantic, but the boys insist that it’s actually the #1 Best Threesome Location Spot Ever Of All Time and that threesomes aren’t romantic. They also have lots of advice for him.

...and fiddle-faddles. Don't you DARE forget the fiddle-faddles.
…and fiddle-faddles. Don’t you DARE forget the fiddle-faddles.

The bros inform Liam that he’s gotta groom his body hair, give each girl equal time, kiss the girl he is less interested in first, and also “go all night” to “please both ladies.” Specifically they suggest he remain hard. These guys are geniuses, wow.

What do you think, it's a new idea I have for t-shirts
What do you think, it’s a new idea I have for t-shirts
Don't you dare tell him you don't like his t-shirt idea
Don’t you dare tell him you don’t like his t-shirt idea
I CAN'T LIE TO YOU I HATE YOUR T-SHIRT IDEA
I CAN’T LIE TO YOU I HATE YOUR T-SHIRT IDEA

Backstage at the Dance Performance, Shane apologizes to Lauren for wearing a ridiculous outfit and says he’ll do the routine in the boring outfit as rehearsed. Lauren says he wore it just to piss her off and to attract Pablo and she knows this ’cause she would’ve done the exact same thing.

Shane: “We are nothing alike! I’m not —”
Lauren: “Arrogant? Self-centered? Controlling? Sure you’re not. Face it, we are not good poeple.”
Shane: “Hey, I care about issues.”
Lauren: “Yeah issues that directly affect YOU. Listen, Pablo believes the best in people. He’s a romantic. He’s longing for “the one.” You go through guys like a chainsaw through puppies. You’d break his heart and not think twice about it.”

No I am not doing Showgirls roleplay with you
No I am not doing Showgirls roleplay with you

Then they go out on the dance floor to win and triumph over adversity so that nobody ever has to be alone or sad ever again amen praise Jesus.


Cut to the love shack, where the triumphant threesome are sitting awkwardly on a bed. Karma volunteers to break the ice… literally. Like there’s an ice bucket and she needs to chop it up? I don’t know what kids are into these days. Probs it’s some party drug.

Soooo ladies, which one of you wants to call the pizza guy
Soooo ladies, whose turn is it to call the pizza guy?

Liam awkwardly messes around with his iPod until he gets some not-awful music going and then everybody’s still awkward and then Amy is like, okay you both are lunatics, fuck this nonsense, let’s get this show on the ROAD.

Amy: “Is this a threesome or a staring contest? Let’s do this.”

YOU GUYS I LOVE AMY SO MUCH. Anyhow, she disrobes, revealing a lingerie situation that reminds me of Miss August 2011.

I DARE YOU TO RESIST ME
Resist THIS, bitches

We return to the Dance Contest Big Bang, where SHANE AND LAUREN GOT THIRD PLACE! Now they’ll get to go to the regional competition of life and hopefully will beat New Directions FOREVER.

#keeppabloweird
#keeppabloweird

Pablo invites Shane on a date to save puppies or something but Shane says no:

Shane: “That’s a really sweet offer, Pabs. Lauren is right — you’re a good guy. I’m just not really the dating type and I don’t wanna lead you on. I can’t believe I just said that because I think you’re really hot but I just did and no takebacks so BYE!”

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Don't tell mom, the babysitter's dead
Don’t tell mom, the babysitter’s dead

Shane gives Pablo a quick kiss and dashes off into the sunset as tango music plays in the glorious sun over the earth and sea.


Back at The Love Shack, Amy is faced with the daunting task of removing Karma’s trench coat, and this time she does it all “sexy-like” in a way that feels, in fact, totally natural.

OK I think we need to stand back to back though to figure out who's taller for real
OK I think we need to stand back to back though to figure out who’s taller for real

Karma looks nervous, Liam looks like he’s about to come in his pants. Amy looks sexy. She touches Karma’s hair and whispers, “relax.” Karma is nervous.

This is my very best Olivia Pope smile and I hope it inspires you to be the best you can be right now, Karma
This is my very best imitation of Olivia Pope’s “you can rise to this challenge”smile
Now I'm smiling and telling you to chill the fuck out okay
Now I’m smiling and telling you to chill the fuck out okay
Now you are scared in a good way
Now you are scared in a very calm and expectant way

Amy looks long and deep into Karma’s eyes, then at her lips, and then they kiss, and then they keep kissing.

Now you like this
Now you like this

“Whoa,” says Karma, stunned and reeling.

Now you realize I am pretty much the best thing of all time
Now you realize I am pretty much the best thing of all time

“I know,” says Amy, because she’s known all along.

YEAH NO DUH
NOW YOU REALIZE KISSING GIRLS IS THE ALL-TIME BEST

Liam, who has no idea what kind of scene this is, lunges towards Amy, doing that thing his friends told him to do where he kisses the girl he likes less, first.

Now you feel weird and jealous but also turned on
Now you feel weird and jealous but also turned on

Karma look at Liam…

FI106-00267

…Karma looks at Amy…

FI106-00268

And then Karma realizes that she can’t do this anymore, and says so. And leaves.

welp, this is awkward
welp, this is awkward

Next week on Faking It, Amy and Karma will fake break-up and Liam will sail across the ocean on a ship with no name:

LAND AHOY
LAND AHOY