9 Reasons Why Carol Is Actually a Cat, Don’t @ Me

For everyone who has a pulse and has met Carol the dog will know that Carol is actually a cat. Here’s why:

1. Carol is a circle.

Many cats sleep in a circle, and so does Carol.

2. Carol dislikes most people.

Carol only likes a select handful of gay humans and everyone else can go SUCK ITTTT

3. Carol thinks shoes are alive.

Carol is particularly enamored with shiny, colorful and fast moving objects, just like cats get with string and shiny stuff. There isn’t a sneaker that Carol hasn’t tried to attack, and this is a true story. You can check my sources.

4. Carol is emo.

Carol spends a lot of time being extremely sleepy and emo, and cats are like that.

5. Carol is picky.

Ummmmmm dogs are normally just like, wolfing down their food no matter what right? I mean some dogs eat their own poop, so. You never know when Carol is going to turn up her nose to a bowl of food. There is no cyclical pattern, you cannot chart it, there’s no reasoning. It’s just her cat energy.

6. Carol is chill.

Carols whole vibe is like, very chill  95% of the time. The other 5% she’s launching herself at shoes, yelling because she can hear you coming from outside the apartment, and/or ricocheting back and forth when you walk through the door. She doesn’t really bark. Except for this one time that I guess she did bark when Riese and I left my apartment for like four hours to go to Cee’s birthday rave, and we came back and there was a note on my door that was like “your dog has been barking for hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooours. that’s how long it feels like your dog has been barking” and I was like immediately mortified, because that’s just not like Carol, you know? But then I realized that Carol was being a bitch because the note was from this annoying lady who lives above me. She torrentially waters her outdoor plants on the balcony above mine and and the water like splashes through my screen windows and onto my computer. Also she wears shoes inside, with I think bricks attached to the shoes and walks around constantly so like, I think what’s happening here is that …

7. Carol is a bitch.

Carol will fight you if provoked. Carol is not a blindly trusting and tongue-out wagging kinda pup. Her trust is EARNED. And if you haven’t earned it, or worse, done something to be rude to one of her fave peeps, you’re IN FOR IT BUDDY. So: cat.

8. Carol is smOL.

Carol is so small you guys she’s just a tiny circle she was never ever going to be anything but the smallest circle in the whole land SORRYYYY. Cats are usually smol and dogs are historically big so that’s another reason why Carol is a cat.

9. Carol is a lesbian.

Everyone knows that all cats are lesbians and all dogs are straight, so.


This concludes my report on why Carol is a cat, not a dog. If you guys have any questions don’t ask me them. Bye.

Sarah is gay.

Sarah has written 29 articles for us.

28 Comments

  1. Emo? EMO??? do you know what it’s like to spend all day knowing you’re the perfect pinnacle of creation only to be forced by your humans to POOP in a STINKY BOX?!?! HMPH

    Also my mom wants me to tell you that you missed the opportunity to say “Don’t [email protected] me” so there

  2. hi sarah i love it when you say ‘carol is a cat’ because i know that you love cats more than dogs and i want you to love me more than anything else in the world!!!!!!!! remember when i ate a box and was fine???

    • i love you so much!! i’m so glad that box wasn’t poisonous and that you’re okay. see you soon little friend, can’t wait to snuggle you and call your ears tortilla chips!!!!

  3. my human wants to know why lost and delirious isn’t on this list but i told her that that joke is played out and b) that movie is not something to joke about GREAT BIG SCARY BIRD reasons

  4. My upstairs neighbors also wear their shoes inside with bricks attached to the bottoms. I’m a cat person who does not want any pet responsibilities, but Carol is welcome to come bark at these assholes when I’m not home if she ever wants to visit the east coast.

  5. Love all this except the “all dogs are straight” take. My dog is a salt and pepper, outdoorsy butch dyke. She’s not actually affiliated with Dykes on Bikes, but she would fit right in, you know? If she could pick out an outfit, it would probably be the old Darlene Connor “leather jacket over the torso, and flannel shirt tied around the waist, just in case.” Her favorite Spice Girl is Amy Ray.

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