Hello it’s me Carol, editor-in-chief of Carolstraddle!!! I have my own wordpress login now and I would like to report some news. The news is that there is a dog barking VERY loud in an apartment building near my Mom’s! First of all I am offended that another dog exists, secondly this dog woke up my Mom who needs her beauty sleep at 7am instead of 8:30am when she wanted to wake up, thirdly this dog has been barking non-stop for five hours, and within the last hour, every other dog in this neighborhood has responded to this incident by barking in return. (Except me because I’m perfect) Now the whole block is just BARK BARK BARK. It’s like Oliver & Company in here but not as melodic or underrated and perfect.
We live in West Hollywood, home to the very dog-positive show “The Real L Word” that was on before I was born. I thought this was a gay neighborhood? Who are all these dogs being loud?! Sometimes my Mom says, “You’re so tiny, I bet you don’t even remember Obama.” I don’t know what she’s talking about but you know what I do remember? SILENCE.
I MADE A NEWS!!!!
dogs rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BARKING WHEN I AM TRYING TO GET MY 22 DAILY HOURS OF SLEEP IN
I am loving all of these Carol posts! Thank you for this quality content.
CAN YOU HELP ME EYKmori
my mom says “there’s nothing i can do!!!”
do you think she likes the other dog barks better than mine???
ABSOLUTELY NOT. The other dog sounds like a demon beast who escaped from a hell dimension just to vex you and I’m very sorry, Carol.
i’m so sorry carol this sounds like a complete nightmare!
i miss u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“carol has written 2 articles for us”
more 2 come molly
carolstraddle 4ever!!!!!!!!
carol you are so good at this, you deserve a treat
probably my fav part. simply…Carol has written 2 articles for us.
You made a news!! I hope you get paid in all of the chicken.
(Monthly guest posts by autostraddle pets?? <3 )
thank u! i hope i get paid with a WHOLE CHICKEN
carol do not forget to invoice for your chicken!
(my mom forgets to invoice ALL THE TIME)
CATS RULE DOGS DROOL, it’s legitimately researched science ok
Anyway about this barking dog, how big did you say it is? *looks around nervously*
i don’t know zuzu but so far 99% of the dogs i have met are BIGGER THAN ME so it is probably the size of a whale or maybe an elephant??? or maybe a person? i don’t know i can’t see it but it sounds big like it could eat a boat!!
Oh hmm ok well I need to go back inside for a minute, not because I’m scared or anything just because I forgot something in there ok? Bye
i am small but also BIG so i will protect you both while i sit in my mom’s arms she is like a very tall and beautiful mech suit also sometimes she has snacks in her pocket
Also did you know i can drive the car?? mom helps a little because i have small legs and also no hands but i am very good at driving the car
I DON’T NEED PROTECTING but ok if you want to sit with us that’s up to you I guess. Can your mom give me some chin scritches
yes but not as many scritches as she gives me that is the law
Maybe there’s a cat outside his window…AND IT WON’T GO AWAY! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Perhaps his hooman pretended to throw the ball, but they really didn’t.
no one likes the sinister window dog, why will it not leave also it is maybe a bird?
ALL dogs should stay inside always because the outside belongs to US
carol i used to live in the woods by the sea where the sky was a perfect, beautiful gray every day and there were the humans who lived on the land and then there were the INTRUDERS and whenever there was an INTRUDER the big dog nellie would bark INTRUDER ALERT and we would all help nellie do an INTRUDER ALERT so landlord human and my human and the child humans would all know there was an INTRUDER ON THE LAND, it was the best system
but now I live on a cul de sac, which is a french word for EVERYONE SO CLOSE TOGETHER and i try to bark at the INTRUDERS but sometimes my human informs me that they are not in fact INTRUDERS but something called NEIGHBORS, but i cannot change my heart
maybe the dog who is barking has not learned the NEIGHBOR/INTRUDER lesson
it is a hard lesson, carol
i bark every time someone comes near the door! but then when they go i am done barking, or if they enter then they will show me their hands and i sniff them. and then usually i am done barking. so what i want to know is, is there someone hovering outside these other dogs???? they should just go inside and show their hands?
hmm well you know what we call dogs who get stuck on the INTRUDER ALERT and can’t move on
that dog is a troll
cyrus i am afraid to say you might need to get your shit together
wow coral i knew you were a bitch but i did not know you were a boss bitch
this is a gender joke but if you have not found the reclamation of ‘bitch’ to be empowering then allow me to humbly show you my belly
i am the boss bitch yes thank you now I will stare pointedly away from you for the next four hours
After years of avid but silent following of AS, I finally created an account to say that this is the most pure comment and it should win all the comment awards!
Also: carolstraddle may be the best thing that has ever happened on the internet.
And also: I will really miss the Carol-cursor when it’s gone, which I hope is never but assume is tomorrow?
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
have you tried barking very high once to tell them you are offended and then low growling for the next until they stop
Carol, thank you for your contributions to queer journalism.
I am absolutely living for the pet conversations on here. Dear Carol, Coral, Cyrus, and Zuzu, I love you all very much!!! thank you for blessing us with your thoughts this day!
tummy rubs are one of my preferred methods of appreciation i love you too also do you have any aged gouda
emerson i love you too but please don’t rub my tummy because my hip flexors are sore! please scratch behind my ears and gouda is good but also if you have any deli turkey i could really go for that
You may scritch behind my ears once on each side but no more
Carol, did you just… post a nude of yourself?