Welcome to the fourth recap of the first season of Faking It, a musical variety hour from the network that brought you Is She Really Going Out With Him? and Totally Pauly.
We open in the outdoor arena of adolescent desire commonly known as “high school” where Karma’s leaving Amy yet another voice mail regarding the fact that Amy hasn’t spoken to her in 12 hours which is longer than that time Amy’s tonsils were removed from her skull by a man with sharp instruments.
Karma says she’s in physical pain without Amy, which isn’t hard to believe because it’s the same way I feel during all the scenes that are not Amy’s. Also, Karma hates Liam now and Amy was totally right SO THERE. Then Karma spies the goblin himself and hides…
…just in time to spy an even more disturbing threat: KARMA’S ADORABLE HIPPIE PARENTS. HAVE COME TO SCHOOL. IN A GIGANTIC HOMOSEXUAL TRUCK CALLED “GOOD KARMA.”
Elsewhere on this lush campus, Amy is ignoring her voicemails.
Then, our dearest tender adorable Oliver approaches to delight her with an origami paper crane he just made because he’s Intern Grace’s Personal Hero and we all wish he was a gay woman instead of a straight man.
Oliver: “Dorky fact, I’m learning the captivating art of Japanese Origami.”
Amy’s distracted, however, when she spies Shane across the quad, and thus she takes Oliver’s lovely paper craft with her as she rushes over to Shane across the quad.
Amy: “I need you to help me find a girlfriend. I think.”
Shane: “Amy. You already have a girlfriend. If these people find out you are FAKING IT they will lynch you and not even notice the irony.”
Amy: “Well, I’m not faking it and that’s the problem!”
Amy’s convinced that her feelings about Karma and her non-feelings for Oliver certify her a Grade-A lesbian, but Shane’s not ready to bust out the label-maker just yet. Regardless, Amy’s looking to sign up for The Only Getting Over Someone Strategy That Works Every Time: FINDING SOMEONE ELSE.
Amy: “If I find a real girlfriend then my fake girlfriend can go back to being my best friend.”
Shane: “That’s what this is about?”
Amy: “These feelings are killing me. Yesterday I blew up at her because I was jealous of Liam. Who does that? Trashy women on reality TV, that’s who. Help me.”
Shane: “I’m going to agree, both because I can see you’re in pain and because I’m dying to see how this plays out.”
Over at Good Karma’s Pink Truck Of Love And Pineapple-Kale Chakra, Karma’s adorable hippie parents are peddling smoothies, and Karma would like them to please drive their truck elsewhere like perhaps a music festival inevitably going on somewhere in Austin, because it’s Austin.
Luckily for us, her parents have created a delightful full-size poster of Karma dressed like a Kale Leaf, which is even gayer than having a fake girlfriend or driving a big gay truck.
Karma eventually consents to this invasion of her property when her parents admit they’re a little short on cash this month and selling smoothies to her classmates is their only hope. Then, Karma’s direct passageway from truck to schoolhouse is interrupted by Liam, who wants Karma to know how much he loved that song that broke my heart. Karma wants to tell Liam, “now you’ve told me, you can die happy,” and then stomp away. So she does.
Molly assures Liam that Karma didn’t mean that, she’s just snippy ’cause of dyke drama.
Molly: “You are in dire need of a dragon shot on the house, and it comes with a free hug.”
Liam: “Wow! Thanks.”
Molly notices that Liam seems a bit uncomfortable in her loving embrace, and laments his admission that he doesn’t come from a family of huggers. “Oh you poor thing, just relax and enjoy,” says Molly, as Liam’s shellacked hair situation undoubtedly slowly eats away at the tender fabric of her shirt, which was hand-woven by bunnies.
Meanwhile elsewhere on this pristine campus, Lauren & The Ls are modeling several different interpretations of Springtime In Texas and dealing with Lauren’s misguided belief that her sockless boyfriend probably distributed the racy topless (but not bra-less) photo she sexted him last night.
“You should’ve used Snapchat,” says Lisbeth. Then Lauren spots her sockless boyfriend showing off a pic to his bros and storms on over to chew his face out only to discover he’s merely sharing a charming photograph of a kitten with a crown drawn on it.
She’s obvs insulted to learn that he deleted her sexy photo immediately.
Cut to Twain, which Shane describes as a “lesbian coffee shop by day, gay bar by night, and there the twain shall meet.” WHERE IS THIS PLACE TAKE ME THERE.
Shane’s gotta know what Amy’s “flavor” is, so he lays it all out to her with all the wisdom of a person who is not actually a gay lady.
C) Kristen Stewart Groupies
D) Classic Butch
It’s funny how they’re all hanging out with only each other. C’mon, show, surely you’re aware that all the stereotypes like to hang out with each other. We are not socially segregated. Anyhow, Amy’s unable to pick a favorite stereotype, though she spots a nice belt she likes.
Shane: “Who makes your no-no place say YES YES?”
Amy: “That’s the problem, I didn’t have those feelings for Karma until we kissed.”
Amy ‘s got no choice but to plow forward: She downs a shot of espresso and heads out into the wilderness, boldly declaring, “Well, I guess I have to start kissing some lesbians.” Props to Amy for having one shot of espresso in a situation I usually faced with some uppers and a vitamin water bottle filled with vodka.
Back at Good Karma’s Pink Truck Of Love And Pineapple-Kale Chakra, Dad is doing massages while Molly’s letting the children know all about Gaia, mother earth, who blesses us always with her loving embrace.
Karma shows up, ready to proudly declare that these hippie yahoos are her actual parents! Everybody claps like happy seals in a pool of fun and laughter!
Then Karma even volunteers to hand out samples in the kale suit, but Molly doesn’t need Karma to wear the kale suit ’cause Liam’s already wearing the kale suit. Kale suits are the new animal onesies.
Karma frantically texts Amy to please call her, but obvs Amy’s not gonna call her, she’s super busy doing weird things with her eyeballs at a lesbian coffeeshop called Twat: The Night I MEAN TWAIN.
Back at Twain: The Night, Amy’s waving enthusiastically at a cute blonde, who waves enthusiastically back until Amy starts fake-licking her lips and the girl is like, you are weird and nobody does this in real life.
Undeterred, Amy slides in across the table from a dashing lezzer in cute glasses:
Amy: “Hey, what are you studying?”
Cute Girl In Glasses: “Anatomy.”
Amy: “That could really come in handy one day.”
Cute Girl In Glasses: “Hopefully, I really wanna go to med school.”
Amy: “Why bother when we can play doctor right now.”
Cute Girl in Glasses: “You’re joking… right?”
Amy, in a panic, gets up and dashes across the room, accidentally colliding with a hot tough-looking chick who is legitimately down for a hot rod ride:
Amy: “Do you wanna get out of here?”
Hot Girl: “Yeah.”
Amy: “You do?”
Hot Girl: “Oh yeah, let’s go to my car.”
Amy then immediately freaks out, says “I have a girlfriend!” and beelines for Shane, who’s chatting with the bartender ’cause watching Amy’s floundering attempts at macking have sent him into a depressive spiral. He gives her an evaluation:
Shane: “You were lewd and aggressive and overly sexual. That works for gay guys but lesbians don’t just wanna hook up, you know they wanna bond and they wanna nest and they wanna fall in love and let themselves go.”
Amy: “Sounds amazing. How do we make this happen?”
Good news: There’s an app for that. It’s called SYZZR. UGH PERFECT.
(PSA FOR ANY BABY DYKES READING THIS: That’s not true. There are many lesbians who just wanna hook up and there are also many gay guys who just wanna settle down.) (But also um, I believe that it is actually true that women are more nesty in general, so obvs when you get the man out of the picture, the potential for premature nesting skyrockets.)