Last month, the hashtag #LGBTbabes took over Twitter with thousands of self-identified LGBT people blessing the timeline with their most flattering pictures. It was beautiful; as an exercise in self-love it was beautiful, but it also just visually beautiful. Go scroll that hashtag and try not to be that gif of the nodding woman going “Wowwww” with a single tear falling down her face.
It was also a great tool for flirting. For weeks I watched people fill up and cannonball into thirst traps with reckless abandon, just wildly grapevining into each other’s mentions with heads held high and quote RTing other people’s pictures with side eye emojis as if they had not one care in the world. It was inspiring. So much so that I decided to take it a step further, shamelessly and proudly.
I’m excited to announce that I found myself along the way.
Here’s what happened: I bypassed the picture approach and straight up asked if anyone wanted to publicly flirt with me. Just like that. Was this desperate? Absolutely. Counterpoint: does it matter? No, it doesn’t, because the world is ending. You know what else? Not only was this given the go-ahead, I got two date offers out of it – one to read lesbian erotica while drinking martinis and another to go to Olive Garden for bellinis. I’m sorry, have you ever heard better date offers in your entire life? “Yes, someone offered to fly me to Dubai all expenses paid, and also Olive Garden is bad.” Okay, but that date requires travel, there’s a lot of buildup, the trip itself seems to be the focal point which doesn’t bode well for the actual meat of the date, there’s going to be too much pressure to have a fun time (which is a nightmare, like a forced dance party), things aren’t on equal footing, and also don’t talk to me about Olive Garden ever again. These dates are low stakes and concept-driven – a recipe for success.
What makes this argument to shoot your shot arcade game style even more compelling is that I was already flirting with the people from whom I received date offers – just stealthily! But guess where stealthily flirting got me? Nowhere! Being coy? In this economy?
I believe so much in this new way of life that if Meagan Good were in front of me right now I’d ask her to leave her husband and marry me. What’s she going to say, no? Probably! It would still be the exact number of Meagan Goods I’m married to now, so what am I losing here, besides nothing? Flirt with your friends – LITERALLY WHO CARES. Did you see the video Jennifer Garner posted willingly on her Instagram where she’s stoned out of her mind while crying about Hamilton the musical? Watch that video and tell me we are not as a civilization on the brink of collapse. You owe this to yourself.
Yes, you, right here, right now, owe it to yourself to commit to a lifestyle of publicly and shameless flirting with the people in your immediate digital or physical area. Try it! Who are you, Siddhartha under the Bodhi tree without desires? No! In no way have we as humans ascended to a higher plane of existence. Get out there! Just say exactly what you’re thinking at any given moment, unless you’re a bigot, in which case stop reading this right now and direct yourself into a shed where you should stay and never come out. Also, if the person you’re flirting with tells you to stop, or expresses that the attention makes them uncomfortable — my friends, you must stop.
Still not convinced? This is how Rihanna goes through life. Do you think she got to be one of the biggest stars on the entire planet by talk-singing? No! She got to be one of the biggest stars on the planet because she is a master of frank openness and doing what feels good in the moment. So let’s live like Rihanna. Dirt the skirt when you’re sliding into those DMs. What you choose to do after is up to you. If you want to do the somewhat detached approach, that’s fine, although I personally like to carry it all the way through and thoroughly unnerve people with full transparency.
That’s it. Just a suggestion that’s universally accessible and free of charge. See you out there ;)