Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about being collared. I’m not really sure why, because I’m emphatically single right now; I guess when you’re at one extreme, it’s natural to daydream about what it’d be like at the other.
As a fantasy, being a collared submissive seems so hot. I imagine it as a physical manifestation of my and my dominant’s commitment as I move through the world, a symbol around kinky folks and a public secret around vanilla ones. I have an exhibitionist streak, and I love to do little sexy things in public that won’t make other people uncomfortable or involve them in my sex life; I get a thrill from knowing what I’m doing is a little bit dirty and illicit. Wearing a collar would mean getting a little bit of that thrill every day; what can be just a quotidian piece of jewelry can also be erotically charged, and Audre Lorde is always telling us that we could use a little more of the erotic in our everyday lives.
In kinky circles, wearing a collar is also a way to be marked as taken. At BDSM events, navigating who to talk to and how can be tricky — especially, I’ve found, in someplace like Texas at events primarily filled with straight people — and, while I’m all about networking and making new friends and building community, sometimes I need a breather and don’t want anyone to talk to me. It’s common protocol in circles I’m in that you talk to a collared person’s dom before you talk to them; if I wore a collar, it would feel like a safety net that would allow me to be more observational, decide whether I want to participate in conversations without being rude and still initiate play if and when I want.
The physical presence of a collar would also be a physical reminder of my partner, which more than anything is just super sweet. Especially because my dom would be the only person who could put it on or take it off, every time I felt it against my skin or brushed it with my fingertips, it would remind me of them. I’m a busy busy person, regardless of whether I’m in a relationship. Sometimes life gets in the way of being able to see a partner and be around them as much as I’d like, but a collar would be a tangible reminder of their calming, erotic, loving presence, and a way to feel connected when we’re apart.
Part of what makes being collared such an attractive fantasy for me as well is what it would say about me. In a way, being collared would signify all the work I’ve done as a submissive. It would not be a decision that I took lightly, and it would show — to myself and to other kinky people — my dedication to my role as a submissive. It would mean that someone chose me; that they thought of me as desirable and saw my worth. I don’t need these things, obviously, but it would be nice to be reminded of them every day in such a prominent way.
But as exciting as a collar seems to me right now, I have to remind myself that it is just a fantasy. Fantasies seem great when you detach them from real life, but real life always intrudes. Collars aren’t just kinky symbols of being in any old D/s relationship, they’re a sign of permanency (hopefully), and the dedication and work that goes into a permanent relationship.
There’s also the fact that often, collars are seen as an indication of a submissive being owned — something with which I’m super uncomfortable. I struggle with the semantics because there’s something attractive to me about being a “kept” boi — knowing that I’ve got someone to whom I (consensually) belong and who is as devoted to me as I am to them — but I don’t want others to read that as ownership. Even in the strictest relationship, I am always free.
I guess that’s also why it’s fun just to fantasize. There are still a ton of things that I need to work out before I find someone who I think would even be worthy enough to ask me if I wanted to be collared by them. And I’m not sure that I would say yes. But it’s sexy, and it seems exciting, and right now, when no one’s asking me about it in my real life, I say why not?