I get it now. Hot toppy girls will like me just as I am or they won’t get to like me at all. I am good enough.
It’s not that I don’t want to submit, it’s that submitting is so different from how I have to conduct my life that it takes effort to turn off that HBIC part of me so that I can relish letting go.
“When I’m being used for sex, I feel like a vessel through which pleasure flows, hot and bursting.”
Somehow, self-identifying as a submissive makes some potential doms think I am their sub.
“I guess I had a lot of opinions that night because you told me that I was especially chatty. I told you it was because you weren’t giving me anything to keep my mouth busy.”
I imagine being a collared submissive as a physical manifestation of my and my dominant’s commitment, a symbol around kinky folks and a public secret around vanilla ones.
I don’t always play to get off. Sometimes denial is exactly what I want.
As my gender expression changes, so does who I’m attracted to.
As I grow more into the submissive I want to be, I grow to love myself more.
“Holistic masochism recognizes that I’m not just a sex machine, but a whole person who has to exist before and after play.”
“When I’m alone, and the world feels like it’s ending, for whom do I do service?”
I started to see submission as less about what happens in play and more about a way to approach the world.
Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum, but what if during the act, it did? What if all I focused on during sex was consent and pleasure?
“Submitting is something I do, not something done to me.”
Be the daddy you want to see in the world.
The more I experience subspace, the more I think that mindful living is possible for me.
I’ve worked hard to hold onto my independence, and here I was giving it up — to someone more dominant and more masculine. My feminist ancestors didn’t burn their bras for this. Except what if they did?
Being in little space doesn’t feel like being a child again. It feels more freeing than my childhood ever was, and like something completely different.
“I cannot wait to have a partner with whom I can explore consensual non-consent in a 24/7 lifestyle. But to be called a slave? In America?”
Submitting is a weird dichotomy of knowing exactly what you want but putting someone else in control of giving it to you.
“I was on my ninth cigarette when the dom about to give me the most affirming experience I’d had as a sub came to stand next to me.”