I get it now. Hot toppy girls will like me just as I am or they won’t get to like me at all. I am good enough.
It’s not that I don’t want to submit, it’s that submitting is so different from how I have to conduct my life that it takes effort to turn off that HBIC part of me so that I can relish letting go.
“When I’m being used for sex, I feel like a vessel through which pleasure flows, hot and bursting.”
Somehow, self-identifying as a submissive makes some potential doms think I am their sub.
“I guess I had a lot of opinions that night because you told me that I was especially chatty. I told you it was because you weren’t giving me anything to keep my mouth busy.”
I imagine being a collared submissive as a physical manifestation of my and my dominant’s commitment, a symbol around kinky folks and a public secret around vanilla ones.
I don’t always play to get off. Sometimes denial is exactly what I want.
As my gender expression changes, so does who I’m attracted to.
As I grow more into the submissive I want to be, I grow to love myself more.
“Holistic masochism recognizes that I’m not just a sex machine, but a whole person who has to exist before and after play.”
“When I’m alone, and the world feels like it’s ending, for whom do I do service?”
I started to see submission as less about what happens in play and more about a way to approach the world.
Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum, but what if during the act, it did? What if all I focused on during sex was consent and pleasure?
“Submitting is something I do, not something done to me.”
Be the daddy you want to see in the world.
The more I experience subspace, the more I think that mindful living is possible for me.
I’ve worked hard to hold onto my independence, and here I was giving it up — to someone more dominant and more masculine. My feminist ancestors didn’t burn their bras for this. Except what if they did?
Being in little space doesn’t feel like being a child again. It feels more freeing than my childhood ever was, and like something completely different.
“I cannot wait to have a partner with whom I can explore consensual non-consent in a 24/7 lifestyle. But to be called a slave? In America?”
Submitting is a weird dichotomy of knowing exactly what you want but putting someone else in control of giving it to you.