Bottoms Up: Greedy

Charlie and I met at a dance party, and later at her place our sex was loud, messy, sweaty and vigorous. I was full of need. At one point when I was splayed out over the bed begging for more, she grabbed my face, called me her “greedy whore,” and kissed me until my head swam with confusion to embarrassment to excitement.

Charlie called me greedy like it was a good thing. Even though I sometimes have a hard time seeing it that way in myself. When I think of greediness, I think about a pillow princess — someone who lays back, receives pleasure and doesn’t reciprocate or really do anything but show up. And so for a second, I felt unseen. Service is a key part of my submission; I want to give or do, even as my role appears less active. In submission I’m largely defined by what I do and how I do it, and sometimes that means doing very little — because I’m physically restrained, or following instructions, or just because what else is there to do but beg when you’re being fucked like never before? Being called greedy made me wonder, Should I be doing more?

But wasn’t I being greedy, wantonly begging like that? I was putting on a show. I needed to be fucked, and I was demanding it with my whole being. I was embarrassed because she was right — I was being a greedy whore — and I loved every moment of that greediness.

And because embarrassment is a kink I’m beginning to explore, I got unexpectedly turned on. The way Charlie acknowledged my greed implied that she was into it, and into me as well. It can be electric to let yourself be filled with pleasure and not care about anything else. I sometimes get nervous that I’m not enough as a bottom, or that my partner pleasuring me isn’t going to be enough for them. Doesn’t there need to be more? The idea that me enjoying myself doesn’t only turn me on, but turns on my partners, too, is hard to wrap my head around.

I think this comes from a lot of places. I’m still working through a lot of religious guilt that often manifests itself as me being as modest and accommodating and not asking for anything at all. The way I was socialized in my girlhood taught me that I should aim to be as small and as quiet as possible. Through kink, I’ve been able to challenge those feelings and start to see greed as something of which I needn’t be ashamed. I can relish feeling good at my partner’s hands — especially when that’s exactly what they want, too.

I’ve also come to realize that just because I’m not doing the fucking doesn’t mean that I’m not contributing to my partner’s sexual pleasure. My submission is active. Submitting is something I do, not something done to me. I ask for what I want, bring my partners their toys, and clean up after we’re done. I’m present, focused, embodied. It takes two (or more) to exchange power.

We all deserve pleasure. I can ask for what I want, my partners can ask for what they want when they want it, and we receive pleasure from each other’s pleasure. And I’m finally learning that that means they can receive pleasure from mine. The way I moan and writhe and grasp at the sheets and the air and her back is part of what makes sex enjoyable for my partner. I am enough.

Ari is a 20-something artist and educator. They are a mom to two cats, they love domesticity, ritual, and porch time. They have studied, loved, and learned in CT, Greensboro, NC, and ATX.

Ari has written 322 articles for us.

19 Comments

  1. I loved all of this, Alaina. So much of my feelings in it. I want to give pleasure to my gf from the “bottom” , all hungry to please her, so she will want to “top” me the way she knows I want it, which is definitely what pleases her to do!
    And . This! “kissed me until my head swam with confusion to embarrassment to excitement.” Not until I realized I am a translesbian and had a lesbian gf and she taught me how to kiss!!
    What a great article, Alaina! Thanks!

  2. It’s the small things like gripping the sheets and moaning, that usually brings me more pleasure than the sexual act itself. Knowing that my partner is being satisfied to the point that they are just embracing the full pleasure, is what makes me feel satisfied physically, mentally and emotionally. I guess it is my way of showing that I am not a selfish asshole like everyone says I am and that I care about my sexual partners. Now if only I can be a better bottom like you Alaina. I have trouble receiving because I feel like I expect or demand too much.

  3. Yes. Yes. Yes.
    I’m currently crushing on someone who I could probably call greedy- she isn’t afraid to take what she needs until she’s satisfied. I wish I could articulate why it’s such a turn on, but holy cats it is.

  4. “I am enough” should be a mantra I tell myself every single day I feel inadequate. It’s true not just for sex, but the relationships themselves. People are with me because they love me, not because of what I bring to the table. I am enough.

    Thank you, Alaina. :)

  5. Thank you so much for this Alaina. I’ve been with my partner for almost 6 years and I’ve always had a hard time being the bottom in the sexual side of our relationship. Just as you described, there are times when I worry that I’m not contributing enough to her pleasure and I want to give so much more. Unfortunately, over the years, I think we both have become sort of set in our “roles”. I love submitting to my partner and letting her use me however she pleases but I once in a while I would love it if I could take control. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this without taking away her need to be the Top? She has a really hard time showing her vulnerable side so the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable.

  6. Thank you so much for this Alaina. I’ve been with my partner for almost 6 years and I’ve always had a hard time being the bottom in the sexual side of our relationship. Just as you described, there are times when I worry that I’m not contributing enough to her pleasure and I want to give so much more. Unfortunately, over the years, I think we both have become sort of set in our “roles”. I love submitting to my partner and letting her use me however she pleases but I once in a while I would love it if I could take control. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this without taking away her need to be the Top? She has a really hard time showing her vulnerable side so the last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable.

  7. I adore reading these because I find it so hard to receive and yet the two times that I’ve submitted to someone were essentially the best sex I’ve ever had, and the only times where partnered sex beat out solo sex.
    At the same time though, since I’m usually giving in bed, I do love it when my partners take what they want unabashedly. I love seeing them give up control to me, it feels like such a privilege to be included in such intimacy and honestly I’m usually in awe that they’re willing to trust me enough to just receive. This piece was great, thank you!

  8. Yes! Alania, thank you. The “my submission is active” line is literally everything I have ever wanted to hear in my entire life. Because that’s it! That’s so completely it. I’m present in those moments when I’m made to kneel on the floor away from the bed as well as when I’m commanded to be on the top. ALL OF THIS.

  9. Men often lament when woman behaves as a “starfish” (overly passive and lazy) in bed, but this article makes a good point that the receiver, by openly and explicitly taking pleasure in the experience, is contributing to the giver’s pleasure, even if the receiver’s physical movement is minimal.

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