‘Should I Try Shibari on the Second Date?’

Q:

I am an adult but I live with my parents. I met a cute trans guy and we’ve been talking for a few weeks and went on our first date. He knows some shibari and I want to learn. If I go to his house and my parents find out, I’m pretty sure they will assume I’m doing the deed and they will be Mad with a capital M and tell me I can’t see him anymore. The best idea I’ve come up with is to go out and get coffee like on our first date and then maybe he can tie me up in the back seat of his car. Is this a good idea?

A:

First off: this is a 100% queer- and kink-friendly space. We pride ourselves on that. That being said, I don’t think you should try shibari for the first time in the back of someone’s car, on the second date. Not because I disapprove of casual sex or kink, as both are common features of my sex life. I just have concerns about safety and BDSM etiquette.

Foundational safety considerations for kink

As you know, shibari is a type of bondage practice falling under the BDSM and kink umbrella. BDSM still gets a bad rap in popular media, but perceptions have changed alongside growing awareness of kink and queerness. At its foundations, queerness and kink should both enjoy safe, consensual, and validating practices.

In my mind, you should be introduced to BDSM slowly in a secure and private environment. This will prepare your limits and preferences before you try something in less conventional spaces (like ‘in a car’). I don’t know what you had in mind, but sexual activity in a car can qualify for public indecency laws in many jurisdictions, with potentially awful consequences on the two people involved.

Sex itself is inherently risky and opens you up to potential physical (and emotional) harms. When practiced well, BDSM isn’t more risky than any other form of sex and usually mimics risk or harm for emotional impact. However, adding more layers to a scene tends to elevate the risk. For example, inadequate safety practices in bondage (like shibari) can disrupt circulation and cause damage to parts of your body. Inexperienced rope bondage practitioners can inadvertently create stress positions that incur short and long-term risks. Without familiarity and safety measures,  a scene with an exciting new person can turn into an emotionally traumatic experience—even if no harm was intended.

Introducing any new act to a dynamic (shibari, in your case) requires extensive discussion of limits and safewords/gestures. Naturally, all consent should be well-informed and enthusiastic. One aspect that’s not discussed enough even in kink-friendly sex ed is that people should also discuss their capabilities. Our limits aren’t just emotional boundaries. They also include the boundaries of our skills. That’s far more important with acts like bondage and impact play that can be dangerous if applied incorrectly. I can’t see this degree of scrutiny and forethought in a relationship that hasn’t reached a second date yet.

I highly recommend spending some more time with him in person so you can vet him a little more. How does he handle boundaries and conflict? Does he communicate openly and honestly? Does he prize safety and well-being above pleasure? These are essential qualities in a BDSM partner. Time taken to know him is also time that can be used to plan out a first shibari session. You should know exactly what’s going to happen and what the potential risks are before going through with it, especially since you’ll be the one who is tied up in a position of vulnerability.

Rope play also commands safety measures not needed for other kinds of sex. Does he have a way to cut you out of your bindings in an emergency? Will that escape method be safe for you? (see: EMT shears.) What type of rope is he using and will it cause rope-burn or tighten when exposed moisture? What ties or rope structures does he have in mind for the scene and can he demonstrate the safety/comfort characteristics of each tie? If he’s doing the tying/rigging, he’ll be in a position of power and you have a right to be assured of his expertise. Your body is quite literally on the line here.

Conversations like this can happen in a public space with enough privacy to not be overheard. If you’re considering his car, I assume he can’t properly host either. That’s fine, but those circumstances cannot overrule safety. I think that your first shibari experience should be in private. If he can’t host, a motel might do. Some places allow bookings in the range of hours, rather than days if you want to make it snappy. This is already being kept secret from your parents, so might as well go all-in.

General safety in dating

Stepping back from BDSM and kink, there’s also general dating safety to consider. Relationships that are concealed from authority figures can expose people to greater risk of exploitation. People who don’t have reliable parents or friends are more easily isolated from support, which is partly why those who have been victimized are repeatedly victimized. I’m not saying that your guy is a sexual predator, but your bases should be covered since your parents are ineffective. Since you can’t rely on them, I suggest confiding in a friend. You don’t have to tell them that you’re going to try shibari or have sex. But informing them of your general vibe and letting someone know your location on dates is pretty standard practice in dating.

Your first date sounded pleasant and secure. The trust established from that encounter is good, and I understand why you feel relaxed enough to nudge things forward. I want to impress upon you the importance of safety. Living in a smothering home environment as an adult is frustrating and I want you to have the freedom to be tied up by the people you like. Given the circumstances, you’ll have to be your own parent and weigh up the risks and enjoyment of these experiences. From what you’ve said of your parents, I can’t reasonably ask you to consider what your parents would want for you in this situation. But I can ask you to think about what a reasonable and supportive parent would want for you in this situation.

With all that said, I welcome you to the world of BDSM/kink. It’s a wonderful place to be enjoyed responsibly and I hope you find the right balance for yourself.