Q:

Recently, my girlfriend called me fat. She meant it very neutrally, as in “well you’re not thin…and I don’t want to lie, but I still find you attractive”. For context I’m a size 12/14. I have a long complicated history with my body as I’m sure many people do, but in general, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being fat or in a larger body. I’ve just always considered myself more mid sized as I know I hold alot of privilege at my size still. Is it wrong to be hurt by her comment though? She is also a trans woman who started her transition about 5 years ago so I’m sure she may have other perspectives on bodies that I should probably consider.

A:

Well, this is a doozy of a discussion. I’ll answer your most direct question first: No, it isn’t wrong to be hurt by your girlfriend calling you fat. There’s very little room for ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in these complex relationship issues. Please give yourself grace. Regardless of how much work you’ve done to destigmatize ‘fatness’ for yourself, you’ve likely been conditioned to see the concept negatively, and you know how society treats fatness. It’s okay to be hurt by hearing that from someone you love.

When someone I care about says something hurtful to me, I usually sit with the emotions until they ease up a little. Then I try to work through these questions:

  • Was it true?
  • Was it in good faith?
  • Was it tactful?

In your case, it’s going to be difficult to answer those first two, but we can get into the weeds.

What is ‘fat’?

Whether or not her statement is true starts with defining ‘fat’ for yourself. Society tends to treat fatness and thinness as mutually exclusive traits. The last decade has also seen the use of ‘mid-size’ as an in-between trait. These form the basis of people’s snap judgements, but aren’t reasonable behavior. Body mass and composition exhibit oceans of variation.

You described your dress size as 12/14, but that doesn’t say anything about your height, width, tissue composition, or bone density. Once you get into the anatomical detail necessary to medically assess a person’s body composition, the concept of ‘fatness’ or ‘thinness’ starts to break down. No person can make an at-a-glance judgement call on whether someone can fit neatly into a socially constructed category. And vanishingly few people get their full body composition medically assessed. Even when people do get such a detailed analysis of their bodies, we need to remember that bodies change—sometimes quite rapidly. Even if we went through the impossible task of mapping out everyone’s body, the lines that divide categories like ‘thin’ or ‘mid-sized’ would still be up to the beholders.

What I’m trying to say is that our perception of ‘fatness’ is immensely subjective. It’s not something people can pin down. Especially not in plain conversation. I can’t say whether or not you’re fat. I don’t think your girlfriend can either. I think she tried to frame it as a matter-of-fact statement, but it’s still her perception of your body at play. I would say that rather than accurately characterizing your body, her statement probably reveals more about what kind of body she considers fat.

What did she mean by that?

Statements about us that are technically true could still be said in bad faith. Whether your girlfriend’s comment is ‘true’ is less important than what she intended and how you feel. What does being called ‘fat’ mean to you? Do you register it as an insult or a slight? Does it feel like an observation of physical characteristics? Your framing matters. She’s trans and yes, that could definitely alter her perspective of people’s bodies. I have my messes to work through on this topic. Most women do.

Women are heavily pressured into particular beauty standards. Most of them malign fatness. Trans people can experience our own version to conform to established norms when these norms interact with our gender dysphoria. Those of us who wish to fit into society by ‘passing’ feel compelled to uphold societal beauty standards. Our fear of interpersonal violence may also drive a desire to blend in. These feelings can manifest as a fixation on beauty norms, fatphobia, or eating disorders. Eating disorders are common amongst trans people whether or not we’re actively transitioning. Prior to transition, it may be a response to stress and trauma, or a way to get control over our bodies. EDs can show up during our transitions as an unfortunate accompaniment to the desire to meet our transition goals. Being trans and a woman can compound the existing pressure imposed by societal expectations.

I’m a living example of that. I developed an ED long before transitioned. At the time, I used it to manage my dislike of my masculine body and exert control over it. A decade has passed since those awful beginnings and I’m now recovered to enjoy the sight of feminine fat on my body. I’m especially fond of the jiggle in my thighs and butt, and the underarm fat I affectionately refer to as my bat wings. Even so, the condition is still present and despite my best efforts, it undeniably informs how I see my body and others.

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I can’t speak for your girlfriend’s experiences, as each transition is unique. But I think it useful to point out that she may have a complex relationship with body composition and societal pressure that emerges in hurtful ways. If that’s the case, trust that it’s as harmful to her as anyone else. Bodily prejudice burns everyone down eventually.

The only way to know her intentions and thoughts is to have an uncomfortable conversation with her. If you get a chance to present your perspective and learn hers, I believe you could both grow from it. That conversation would also be a way to figure out if she was speaking in good faith, and how you should respond to that in hindsight.

Was it okay to say that?

The previous questions about meaning and intention all pave the way to the question of morality: Did she do the right thing? ‘Tactfulness’ is a moral judgement. It’s a positive moral framing that can make a statement more socially acceptable based on how it was expressed.

If we take a flat consequentialist stance, we’d look at the outcomes or consequences of her words to see whether they were okay. The answer would be no. You found her statements hurtful, unsupportive, and unproductive.

That’s not the only way to look at it though. When we fixate too much on end results, we have to abandon intention, context, and all the other imperfections that make life interesting. More relevant to your situation is that you have a complex relationship with your body. If your girlfriend knew about that, it’s her responsibility to be sensitive to your needs and past when engaging with sensitive topics.

Moreover, I don’t think we should talk about people’s bodies in a way they’d find uncomfortable to discuss. If you’re not okay with engaging with the word ‘fat’ alongside your body, that’s your right. You can address the topic using terms that don’t activate bad feelings in you. If you’ve previously described yourself as ‘fat’ to your girlfriend and the word is just part of your destigmatized lexicon, then your girlfriend has a reason to say it too, since she’s just meeting you at your vocabulary. Incidentally, this is how my best friend and I talk about this. She considers herself fat, and destigmatizes the term by applying it to herself. She treats ‘fat’ as a bodily characteristic like ‘thin’ and tries to strip away the insulting context and reclaim it as a term. I began referring to her as ‘fat’ once she made it clear that she was okay with it.

But it sounds like you don’t talk about yourself that way. In that case, her comment was tactless. Even if she didn’t mean to impose a value judgement, she probably knows that calling someone ‘fat’ can be hurtful due to society’s connotations attached to that word.

A reasonable partner would be open to hearing you out. You should be able to express to her that you felt hurt, and don’t wish to be called fat (unless it’s on your terms). You’re not extracting a compromise from her by doing this. I don’t think she loses anything by not calling you fat. Most people know not to say things that could be hurtful, and can understand causing hurt even if they didn’t mean it. This might be more difficult if your girlfriend is neurodivergent, but there’s still room to discuss how she approached the topic of your body and how it made you feel. If she respects your feelings and is willing to hear you out, then you have a good path forward.

The relationships we have with our bodies and the wider world are profoundly complex. They can be pretty fraught, too. You’ve experienced hurt, but I’m glad you’re considering your girlfriend’s perspectives. There’s an optimism and good-faith belief there that’ll serve you well in any relationship. You’ve got this.