Q:
I love my girlfriend so so so so much but when the week before my period hits I start getting pissed off at every turn. Not things she does, but small habits like laying around when I’m cleaning and not offering to help. She typically would help me, but for whatever reason my primitive monkey brain tells me she’s a lazy ass who can’t help raise the nest and I need to ditch her. The day my period starts though, I am all over her and feel like when a rough patch is finally over in a good relationship. She’s the same great golden retriever girlfriend throughout the entire month though, and I feel terrible for being so mean and angsty at her during my luteal phase. I’ve tried birth control to manage my cycle but to no luck, so what should I do?
A:
My suggestions are twofold, including practical suggestions for navigating this issue and then the deeper, more emotional work that needs to be done.
You’ve touched on the medical side a bit and, to that end, I’m sure you’ve done what you can with the medical resources at your disposal. It seems like they’re always giving out birth control as if that will fix all the issues. It’s frustrating, because the AFAB hormonal system is so extremely complicated. If you haven’t already, I might look into independently practicing hormone or menstrual cycle specialists, such as DOs, naturopaths, or even just small-business type practices that really center holistic care. Getting more than one opinion on lifestyle changes, supplements, and medications can be life changing. Additionally, looking for therapists who specialize in Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder might get you more of the mental health type support you need. I’m not suggesting you have this in any way, but typically therapists who list this as a specialty are a lot more tuned into that body-mind connection needed to consider the emotional/behavioral side of periods.
That primitive monkey brain you’re talking about may very well be just that: a primitive monkey brain. However, I would dive a little more into the patterns of this monkey brain. If this really is a thing that keeps happening (i.e. you’re cleaning and annoyed at her for not cleaning), maybe your pre-period emotions are simply highlighting underlying emotions in a brighter light. I’m not saying your relationship has deeper issues, but maybe this issue of unbalanced duties in the home is a bigger conversation. Addressing any imbalances in household work before you hit this point of resentment in your cycle could help.
It feels small, but your feelings are not. Maybe tune into moments outside of the week before your period where you might otherwise be annoyed. If you really tapped into that moment with honesty, are you even maybe, ever-so-slightly a little annoyed that she didn’t pick up the dishes or sweep the floor? Sure, it feels like a much bigger deal the week before your period, but those feelings and thoughts don’t just come from nowhere. What are your feelings telling you about your needs in this moment or in any moments where you feel like you’re raising the nest? Your pre-period brain might automatically jump to ditching her (and that’s the monkey brain), but that’s obviously extreme. It sounds like you have some stuff you just need to get off your chest and out to her in a loving, compassionate way that maybe is not the week before or during your period.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
Have you tried *continuous* hormone therapy (“birth control”) — meaning no sugar pills, and with a dose specifically chosen prevent your mood cycling?
My particular variant back when I had periods was a Mirena IUD to take my period away, plus a daily very small dose of estrogen (if you don’t have a Mirena or something similar with progesterone, you might need a pill with both for Reasons, ask your doc).
The daily estrogen totally flattened my hormonal curves. Your body sees the outside estrogen a signal to not do hormonal cycles at all. It’s amazing. I was able to leave behind my constant monthly mood cycles behind, and it was cheap and safe and easy.
My doc prescribed the continuous low-dose estrogen because I told her I was dealing with unpleasant mood cycles, and she was like, “We can fix that.” If your PCP or gyn doesn’t see fixing mood cycling as an important goal that is distinct from just pregnancy prevention, and hasn’t offered something similar, I’d get a new PCP or gyn who actually knows what they’re doing.
Look into PMDD! I realized that before my period every month I would get irrationally angry about things that otherwise didn’t bother me, like a cat swatting me or my partner not taking out the trash right away. Taking birth control pills has vastly stabilized my moods and I don’t feel like this anymore!
I feel this deeply in my bones. My spouse is so thoughtful and an absolute golden retriever in all the best ways. He was initially attracted to me as a femme b/c he likes pretty girls that are a little mean to him. I was diagnosed with PMDD several years before we got together and I was managing those symptoms with sertraline. As ::gestures at the world in general:: everything got harder, my PMDD symptoms were not being managed and I was so in the thick of it I didn’t realize that I wasn’t being a cute sexy brat the week before my period. I was just being irritable and snippy. My spouse pointed out the behavior change and suggested asking my doc about taking Pepcid the week before I expect my period. Its helped A LOT. Maybe it’s worth giving it a try? I hope you feel some relief soon.