‘Am I Really Queer, or Just an Imposter?’

Q:

Hello to whoever reads this. I have to be a bit vague in my description because I don’t want anyone IRL to know I’m doing this. I’m so scared to write this because I’ve been simultaneously avoiding wanting to talk about this, but also thinking about this 24/7 as it consumes me all of the time. I’ve been dealing with questioning my sexuality since my late teens and whether or not I’m faking my feelings of being a possible lesbian. I’m a girl in my twenties who had a sexual awakening when I first saw a specific girl character in a piece of media when I was in my late teens. This has spawned years of questioning and crying and feeling shame over that this is a possibility for me. I live in an immigrant household, and a very sheltered one at that, so for most of my life I’ve been homeschooled. I’ve never had the traditional adolescent rite of passage of having a crush on a real girl before, which makes me believe that my feelings are fake, that until I have experience, then I have no right to call myself ‘questioning’ or even just ‘queer’ if I didn’t want to label myself and call myself something I’m not. When I watch tv, I’m always looking at the female characters and wishing that I could be in the man’s place in those scenarios, but again, because of my unconventional situation, and because I’ve never had that real-life experience, I feel like an imposter, that I’m forcing myself in a group that I don’t belong in. I’ve seen tweets or forum posts of people saying things like that so it’s really hard when I know I don’t have the possibility. I know I don’t want to be with a man, I know what I really want, but it’s like my head and my heart are not in sync with each other.

I’ve been feeling this intense shame for years now, and I know that it takes time to figure out who you are, but I fear that in my situation, I’ll never get that experience.

Is my journey valid despite its unconventionality? Am I truly an imposter?

A:

Thank you for writing in and trusting us on a topic that’s so personal. I take your doubts very seriously and want to explore the possibilities with you. Not because I don’t believe you are queer, but because it sounds like you are so anxious about this topic that you are catastrophizing. Sometimes the best way to deal with catastrophic thinking is to fully consider the “worst-case scenario.” I hope that by doing this I can show you two things:

• Whether or not you are a lesbian, you are not an imposter.
• Your journey of self-discovery is valid, no matter how long it takes or how complicated it gets.

Worst-case scenario: “imposter”

Let’s say you are not a lesbian and are in fact straight and “forcing” yourself into the queer community. People doing this intentionally is very uncommon. There’s really not much reason for a straight person to pretend to be gay, because there’s not much social benefit to being queer. Queer people often pretend to be cis-het for personal safety or to evade discrimination, but the opposite scenario is very uncommon outside of niche, performative circles (usually online).

It’s extremely unlikely that you’re an ‘imposter’. Most queer people have questions or worries about how queer they are, but it usually doesn’t disturb day-to-day life. Feelings this intense are sometimes associated with a sub-type of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) called SO-OCD (Sexual Orientation OCD, formerly HOCD). The TL;DR version is that people with OCD have obsessive thoughts related to their fears and anxieties,and develop compulsions to combat/regulate these feelings. SO-OCD sufferers develop a fear that they are of a different sexual orientation and think about it obsessively. This is usually a straight person who is scared they might be gay—see aforementioned safety and social pressures to be not-gay—but it can also go the other way (a gay person who is scared they might be straight).

I’m not saying you have SO-OCD (unless you already know you might have OCD). But otherwise, I’m mostly using SO-OCD as an example of a real, rational explanation for why someone might think they are of a different sexual orientation. What’s important about this example is that people with SO-OCD are not imposters. They are not even necessarily homophobic or bigoted. They are just people who are struggling with a very difficult mental health disorder.

I’m not here to diagnose you, but I hope the existence of variant conditions like this makes you feel less isolated in your feelings. Queer people of all stripes feel uncertain about themselves, but it shouldn’t be as emotionally distressing as what you’re experiencing. Even in your ‘worst-case scenario’, you may just be a person struggling with mental health issues and deserve compassion, not bitter comments from anonymous forum posts.

I understand that you can only really engage with the LGBTQIA+ community online, due to your circumstances, but please be aware that queer people can also be ignorant and intentionally hurtful. Online spaces foster echo chambers and cliques that can be very detached from reality. Written text can also sound harsher than it’s meant, since there are no context clues to help you interpret the meaning. The criticisms of internet strangers serve no purpose if they don’t also include compassion and a way forward.

Likely scenario: it’s complicated

That being said, I think the more likely explanation for your feelings is that… It’s complicated. And by ‘it’, I mean sexuality/attraction/life in general.

First off, you might be a lesbian now, and then 20 years down the line identify as straight or bi or pan. This doesn’t negate how you feel now. For a lot of people, sexual orientation is fluid, and can change with age and circumstances. I was heterosexual until I transitioned, and now feel sexual attraction to men and women. Part of it was how hormone treatment changed my experience of sexual attraction, but I also became detached from internalized homophobia that held me back from liking men more in the past.

Some queer people can be very judgemental about changing your ‘labels’ (I’m sure you’ve seen how some lesbians talk about bi women). This judgement doesn’t come from a realistic and empathetic understanding of identity. Ultimately, you are the person living in your body and only you can set your identity.

Second, different people experience sexual and romantic attraction differently. For example, someone on the aromantic/asexual spectrum can still experience attraction aligned toward various genders. That attraction might just be muted or only arise in very specific circumstances. If you have responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire, that’s also going to affect how you experience sexual attraction. If you’re the type of person that needs to form a strong personal connection before you experience romantic or sexual attraction, that’s going to limit your number of crushes.

Third, and most relevant to you, your circumstances limit your opportunities to meet and engage with potential crushes. You are young, homeschooled, and very sheltered, and in an immigrant household. I’m guessing you haven’t spoken to your family about your attraction to women. None of this is your fault, nor does it negate your feelings of queerness. All queer people develop their knowledge in different ways. There isn’t a right or wrong way to find out you’re queer.

Combine your circumstances with the fact that you have to keep your queerness secret, and it’s no wonder you have such massive feelings. You’re not in a supportive environment where exploration or self-expression are possible. It’s extremely difficult to affirm your feelings and build confidence without that support.

In my mind, your fears and doubts say less about your sexuality, and more about your general state of mind. You are a human being in a difficult position, not an imposter. I hope you can take on some of the kindness in this world and keep it close.