Everything is about the election. I tried to think about something other than the election but I cannot. I’m scared a lot of the time, I’m stressed, I’m tired. It’s difficult for me to think about anything at all, especially myself. And I’ve been here before and I’ve moved past it before, but this feels more difficult. My number one coping method is to disappear and stop thinking about myself and those big, scary emotions.
This weekend, though, I was reminded that it’s okay to think about ourselves and to feel those scary emotions. I’m taking a course where I get to think about submission in conversation with other self-identified submissives. It’s an amazing experience because sometimes, this can feel like a really lonely journey, especially as a queer single person.
We were talking about discipline, and how difficult it can be to think about discipline when situationally our lives feel thrown out of control. Someone commented that the way they were able to remain disciplined in these times was to remember that their submission was not a luxury.
My submission is not a luxury. What a centering thought. For me, a lot of my submission is based on service. I want to give myself fully to a dominant partner. It feels easy and comfortable. But sometimes, my attachment to service can mean that I don’t pay attention to myself as much as I want to. And when I’m alone, and the world feels like it’s ending, then for whom do I do service?
The answer is myself. Obviously it’s myself. I am a submissive through my actions, even when those actions which are just for me. Now is the time for me to really lean into that. I don’t always think about being submissive to myself, but that thought feels good right now. I tied myself to the chair the other day because the bondage calmed my body and my mind. I did that for myself, because I can.
Our submission is not a luxury. We use it to take care of our partners and ourselves. Don’t just be your own daddy, be your own submissive.