Welcome back to Boobs on Your Tube, your gathering place for an entire weekend of queer teevee discussion! This week, Riverdale returned and Kayla recapped the heck right out of it. Black Lighting also returned to our eager arms with a stunning episode, and Carmen delivered hard in her recap. Natalie reviewed the CW’s new teen football drama, All American, which stars Bre-Z as a lesbian named Coop! Also Natalie pointed it out to us and now we’re going to point out to you because we can’t stop thinking about it: All American doesn’t have a hyphen in it! It’s maddening! Also this week Jodie Whittaker’s Doctor Who arrived and Heather loved it. Heather also made a list of all-ages TV episodes that changed the game forever. Today, Hulu dropped the first season of Light as a Feather, which includes a lesbian character, and Valerie has gone right ahead and reviewed that for you!
Also, Carmen made a beautiful list for you called 20 Movies About Friendship and Misandry For When You Want to Burn it All Down. (It’s very good.)
Here’s what else.
The Purge 106: “The Forgotten”
Written by Carmen
I suppose, when we started writing about a TV series based on famous horror franchise, we knew one day it would come to this. One day another queer woman would end up on Autostraddle’s “Dead Lesbian” body count list. Our tenth one this year.
I just didn’t think it would be this dead lesbian.
Last week’s The Purge ended in a cliffhanger that put Lila Stanton squarely in the show’s crosshairs, and yet this week it was AzMarie Livingston’s Bracka who found herself blunged and bloodied in a bathtub. I never want a black queer woman to die on television. There are so few of us to begin with! There’s also the compounded insult of having a character who’s race, gender, and sexuality are often rendered vulnerable by powerful straight white men – dying at the hands of a powerful straight white man. Bracka dying brings those everyday political realities right to the forefront (which seems purposeful on behalf of the show, they don’t give a free pass to the Trumpist Wall Street bro who killed her. He’s 100% the monster we think he is.).
At the same time, Bracka was an assassin. She accepted money, took a job from Jane, and went to Jane’s manager’s house with the intention of (rightfully) murdering him. I expected her to be successful in her task, everything about Brack meant serious business. It’s awful that she’s dead and this asshole gets to keep breathing. PARTICULARLY when it turns out that he likes to spend his Purge night hosting some sick, twisted version of a #MeToo free-for-all where other rich powerful white men get to sexually assault – “Over the clothes! No penetration!” they say in their defense, like it makes any difference. Shudder. – women without the fear of being ratted out to The New York Times.
When Jane shows up at her boss’s house to stop the assassination in progress, she’s greeted by Bracka’s dead body and forced to “join the party.” With four episodes left in the series, I’m hoping that she grabs a knife or, I don’t know, a cocktail straw and stabs this dude in an artery. Then he can bleed out slow while she stands over him avenging Bracka’s name. Violent? Sure. Cathartic? Absolutely.
Meanwhile, after making it out of the Stanton house by the skin of their teeth, Rick and Jenna compete for a gold medal in the 50 meter dash as they sprint to their front door, Purge madness hot on their heels. They get in and lock the gates. Safe. Alone. And for Jenna, utterly despondent. She left the love of her life behind to get murdered.
Rick makes all these promises about how he’s going to do right by their child, and “won’t Jenna just give him another chance?”, and how great they could really be together and blah blah blah. Honestly every time he talked I yawned and scrolled through my phone, so perhaps I missed the specifics, but you get the idea.
Jenna tells Rick that she doesn’t still love Lila, but her own eyes call her a liar. Not able to betray her heart, she makes one last call to Lila’s phone. She’s greeted with a rain of gunshots and screaming before a male voice laughs in her ear, “Lila is dead.” She clutches her stomach and looks up at the sky. Shellshocked. It really is over.
She goes downstairs to Rick, resigned to her new boring potato bag life with him. He gets up to make her some eggs and bacon, the start of their bland future together. Just then someone bangs on the gate, shouting for her life, screeching, begging for them to open up the door. They turn on the surveillance camera and do you know who it is?
Lila Stanton. Guess she wasn’t so dead after all.
How to Get Away With Murder 503: “The Baby Was Never Dead”
Written by Natalie
We’re almost there, folks.
The day that I’ve been waiting for since Michaela slyly outed Tegan as queer last season. Okay, well, technically, that’s not true. I’ve been waiting for it since before I even knew Tegan was family — when Tegan called Annalise hot — but that’s just how my mind works (#notsorry).
But now, it’s looks like — maybe, possibly — we might be on the precipice of a Tegan and Annalise hook-up. Not just in my overactive imagination or in the recesses of the TV Team’s Slack channel, but in CANON.
This week, Annalise has to put aside her class action appeals to work on a case that could bring some money to Caplan & Gold. Her client, Niles Harrington — who is every bit as obnoxious as his name suggests — is accused of having killed his business partner. The case against Harrington is specious and, after a forceful opening statement from AK, it looks like an easy path to getting him acquitted. But no such luck: the prosecution’s first witness, Harrington’s secretary, admits that she was lying when she gave him an alibi. Afterwards, Harrington volunteers to take the stand himself and Emmett Crawford, C&G’s Managing Partner, agrees, over Annalise’s objections.
Crawford calls in Tegan to help prep Harrington’s testimony and things go downhill, fast. One aggressive question from Annalise and Harrington goes off the rails, accusing Annalise of being the violent one and asking if the chip on her shoulder is the reason she never remarried after Sam died. I’m aghast, Harrington’s wife is aghast, Tegan is aghast — and Annalise? Well, Annalise looks like she’s about to take her earrings off and swing on him. Crawford steps in to try and defuse the situation but Harrington just keeps going, accusing Annalise of becoming bitter because she works all the time.
Tegan steps in to defend her future girlfriend Annalise with a little misandry, noting, “actually, it’s mediocre men that make women bitter.” It’s enough to draw Harrington’s attention — he notices that Tegan doesn’t have a ring on her finger either — and his ire. He encourages Tegan and Annalise to put on some heels and go catch a man. Crawford sends everyone to their corners, though not before Harrington hints at Crawford’s failings in London, and Tegan and Annalise debrief, as they share an elevator.
See, just a few weeks ago, they were sniping at each other non-stop, angry that they had to work together, and now they’re laughing and sharing office gossip in an elevator (and y’all know how they feel about elevators in Shondaland). Later, after Harrington’s gotten himself convicted for a murder he apparently didn’t commit, Annalise and Tegan head out together. Tegan’s going salsa dancing at the Dominicano and invites Annalise along — it’s a date, she asks her out on a date — but Annalise politely demurs. But later, when she’s at home, in her pajamas, brushing her teeth at her two-sink vanity, it’s clear Annalise is thinking twice about being alone.
We are so close, y’all. So, so close to Tegan and Annalise finally hooking up. We’re almost there. That is, unless Michaela gets to Tegan first.
Now, I have to say, I’ve never been aboard the Tegan and Michaela ‘ship — partly because I’m so singularly focused on Annalise but mostly because, if Michaela’s going to hook up with another woman on this show, it has to be Laurel, right? But after witnessing Michaela’s thirst in this episode, I might not be opposed to it.
Michaela’s upset because, seemingly, Tegan has forgiven everyone for the Antares mess except her. She tries to worm her way back into her mentor’s good graces by leaving her notes for an upcoming meeting but Tegan tells her to stay out of her calendar and out of her life. Michaela’s persistent, though, and tries to figure out how Laurel earned Tegan’s forgiveness. Connor posits that Laurel seduced her. Laurel jokes that maybe Michaela should try that.
“Peek into her vagina, not her calendar,” Connor suggests. “I like it.” Me too, Connor, me too. Later, Michaela slips into Tegan’s office and begs for forgiveness. She basically professes her love for Tegan and pleads for the opportunity to make things right between them. Tegan is not having it, though.
“You knew what I gave up for this job — my girlfriend, friends, a family,” Tegan explains. “It was worth it because I was about to be crowned king of this firm. But look at me now playing second fiddle to Annalise and taking orders from another flawed white man who keeps failing up. And if that weren’t bad enough, I have to see you in the halls, giddily building your career while mine’s on life support. We’re way past you making anything damn right, Michaela.”
And while that should be enough to sink that ship forever, I’m not ready to eliminate the possibility of a Tegan and Michaela hook-up entirely, especially when a chasten Michaela says, “I’m not giving up on us,” as Tegan pushes her out of the door.
Fresh Off the Boat 501: “Fresh Off the RV”
Written by Heather
When Natalie watched last week’s Fresh Off the Boat she correctly identified it as my ultimate TV catnip. Before I get to that, though: FotB made its move to Friday night this season, as part of ABC’s revamped TGIF line-up, and did so by bringing along Jaleel White and making their own Family Matters credit sequence. It made me chuckle! And it also made me so nostalgic! I’ve been loving TV so long!
Anyhoodle, “Fresh Off the RV” is Nicole’s goodbye episode. Luna Blaise is off to star as Olive Stone in Manifest, and while I’m sad to see her go, I love the way FotB let her leave. She announces to Eddie, in the Saturn of course, that she’s moving to New York to live with her mom and to follow her dreams of studying fashion. Eddie’s a cool chill guy about it, no big deal, no problem, he’ll see her around — which super hurts her feelings, but which Even and Emery correctly identify as him ignoring his feelings because he’s unable to cope with them. Nicole tries to nudge him into really dealing with her leaving, giving him back a box of his things from the Saturn, but he refuses to acknowledge that he’s sad. Luckily, Kareem Abdul Jabbar arrives just in time and helps Eddie open up to the loss of his best friend.
Eddie rushes to her house, but he’s way later than the time she said she was leaving. Nicole knew he would be, though; she told him the wrong time. They both flash through a montage of their friendship over the years: her piercing his ear, them dancing together at their solo Halloween party, him twirling her around when she lands her first date with a girl, their gender-bending homecoming dance outfits. You know I cried. Eddie was such a baby when they met! And she didn’t even know she’s gay! Their friendship really was special. You don’t get to see guys like Eddie supporting lesbians like Nicole much on TV. He was her best ally because her was her best friend. I’m gonna miss them so much. I’m so grateful for this storyline and that Nicole got her own proper send-off.
I didn’t have to sit around feeling sad all weekend, though, because “Fresh Off the RV” also gave me something I never knew I needed: My number one favorite novelist, Jessica Huang, squaring off against my number two favorite novelist, J.K. Rowling. Yes, A Case of a Knife to the Brain finally arrived in Barnes and Noble — on the very same day as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. This show has done some brilliant integration of major ’90s events — TuPac’s death, Shaq leaving Orlando, Princess Diana’s death, Nicole getting gay after seeing Jodie Foster in Contact — but the Harry Potter thing takes the Snitch. No one buys Jessica’s book, and she’s so mad at Harry Potter! She sits on a beanbag in the kid’s section and reads about Quidditch and hates him! But also she loves the book and can’t put it down. (“Boy Witch! Written by a homeless British teacher, of all things!”)
She fakes a book tour so the boys don’t know her book flopped, and then she cancels the fake book tour so Eddie can get home to Nicole. I honestly can’t wait to see what brilliant horrifying nonsense she writes next.
You 105: “Living With the Enemy”
Written by Heather
The major problem with You is that our TV team cannot agree on whether or not Peach is going to get axe-murdered by Dan Humphrey. I am a firm believer that she is a g-o-n-e-r, but Natalie and Carmen think the opposite! “She has a gun,” Natalie protested today when I talked about the inevitable stabbing. “Emily Fields is going to murder Dan Humphrey and live!” Carmen declared. These precious hopeful lambs. I love them so.
Hey, but here’s something we can now all finally agree on: Peach is for sure gay! Bisexual, to be exact. (Things did not end well with her and James Franco.) How this mystery is finally confirmed to us is convoluted: Beck’s professor has a lead on some personal essays or something that Beck can write for money now that she has turned in one (1) good short story. Peach has a better idea and it’s that she’s in control of Beck’s career, so she sets up a little party at Joe’s bookshop for Peach to meet an agent she knows named Roger. Peach inexplicably takes her laptop to this party, and Dan Humphrey steals it — because trying to stalk her while she was running proved impossible because she is super fit and he is Dan Humphrey — and finds all kinds of incriminating evidence on it. And by “evidence” I mean “a stalker-level of Beck paraphernalia.”
When Peach realizes later that her laptop is missing, she knows Joe is the culprit, but Beck doesn’t seem to care too much. What suddenly does make her care, though, is Peach fakes a suicide attempt. She takes a bunch of pills but doesn’t want to call an ambulance and so instead she calls Beck and Beck comes to her rescue.
It is at this point that Dan decides he’s going to have to club Peach over the head the way he clubbed Artisanal Soda Shop Chad over the head. He tries it, with a rock, under a bridge — a rock, which, may I add, he doesn’t destroy or hide, despite it being covered in her blood and his fingerprints — but! Peach doesn’t die at all! She lives!
In my opinion, not for long! I guess we’ll see!
Bonus discussion: Literally what does anyone see in Beck?
Star: Episodes 1-3
Star is back and in the first three episodes, women had sex in two of them! Let’s talk about it!
Simone (who’s now freshly 18! Aww, they grow up so fast!) comes back from the Dominican Republic, where she has been living with her husband – whom she married to get out of foster care – because he was a Dreamer and got deported at the end of last season. She’s had a life, I tell ya!
Well she’s divorcing her husband, being 18 means the state of Georgia will finally recognize her as an independent adult. She’s ready to stand on her own two feet. Those two feet lead her into the bed of a mysterious, beautiful woman after a night drinking and dancing in VIP at the club. That woman turns out to be her new boss’ wife!! Whoops!
It’s ok though, the wife and the boss have an open marriage. The second episode finds them in bed with two entirely new women. So, there’s that! Now Simone has all these gay feelings for a woman who doesn’t seem to reciprocate them, and who is also married to the man in charge of her still fragile singing career! D-R-A-M-A!! — Carmen
Grey’s Anatomy 1504: “Gut Feeling”
Carina DeLuca is keeping something from her brother and I’m pretty sure it’s something serious. Too bad we have no idea what it is yet! Oh, and she’s leaving for Italy. (Possibly forever? Is Italy the new “Parking Lot of No Return?” Maybe that’s her secret? I surely hope not.) — Carmen