We zoom over to the hospital, where Zoe and Madison are strutting down the hallway. Zoe is wearing a variation of that fucking hat, and Madison is wearing a Russian fur hat and a sheer ankle-length night gown. Appropriate.
They find Nan waiting outside Shirtless Luke’s room because Patti LuPone won’t let her in. The twitches barge in to see Luke, who is in a coma. Patti yells at them to leave, but Nan can communicate with Luke. To put it in Madison’s words, “no bitch, she’s clairvoyant.” Also, in case she couldn’t tell, they are witches. I think she figured that on out, girls.
Nan convinces her that Luke is speaking through her, and wants to hear Patti sing to him. You and me both, Luke! That woman is a national treasure.
So she sings “Just a Closer Walk with Thee”, although I’d rather hear her sing this:
Or maybe this:
Or how about this kicky little number?
BRB crying forever.
So Patti sings and cries and hugs Nan and loves her dead gay son and all is forgiven.
Over at the Severed Head Emporium, Queenie has Delphine propped up on a little table. Delphine is hungry, but Queenie wisely notes that the food will just go through her mouth and shit out her neck, which can then be made into a shit sandwich, and she’s on a no carb diet gosh Delphine you’re so stupid!
Before she kills Delphine, Queenie wants to try to educate her about racism via a movie marathon. She’s got the box set of Roots, Mandingo, The Color Purple, and her personal fave, B.A.P.S.
I would watch an entire show of Kathy Bates’s head watching shows.
Meanwhile, Hank is in his room nomming on some Chinese food when a wound opens on his wrist and he starts gushing blood. Other wounds appear all over his body, and we see that Marie Laveau is going to town on a voodoo doll.
Marie’s henchman breaks into the room, with the sole purpose of… answering the phone and handing it to Hank? Marie tells him either the white witches die tonight or he gets a needle through the heart.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Potions After Dark Room, Misty and Cordelia are cranking the Stevie and whipping up some magic mud in a blender.
Misty says her spell and brings a plant to life, and is adorably delighted to be magicking up a storm alongside Cordelia.
Misty says that Cordy makes an awesome leader and she hs so much to learn from her… in bed. Cordelia tells her they make a great team, and they are moments away from making out.
Then Hank shows up and really ruins the bohemian, sexually fluid vibe of the scene. He’s drunk, and he wants to win back Cordelia. Cordelia shuts him down right quick and tells him to take his shit and GTFO. Misty walks in and Hank recognizes from trying to shoot her in the swamp shack. Hank tells Cordelia he only wants to protect her which LOL she’s a witch she’s got it covered okay thanks goodbye.
Hank takes his cardboard box of aforementioned shit and Charlie Browns his way out of there. A guard dog growls at him, followed closely by Fiona, also growling. She tells Hank they don’t need his puny mortal protection, and that female dogs are more loyal/aggressive/better at processing emotions. She then magicks his box to break, dumping his shit on the floor.
As Hank leaves, the dog growls at Zoe and Madison’s door. Fiona opens it and finds FrankenKyle. She says “another goddamn boy, Jesus these girls!” FrankenKyle is thrilled about the dog though… until we hear a sickening crunch…did he just kill that fucking dog? Did the dog eat his face? I am okay with ONE of these outcomes.
Back at the hospital, Patti is calling Nan a miracle and thanks her for her gifts. She says that Nan is proof of God’s existence… and speaking of God, they told Luke that Patti murdered his father and will be judged for it! Twist!
Turns out that Luke’s dad was banging another woman and was ready to leave Patti… until she unleashed bees in his car!
Fucking bees y’all! It was kind of like this:
And maybe a little bit like this:
Guess who no longer thinks Nan is a miracle? Patti yells at her and kicks her out of the hospital room.
Meanwhile, we see Hank loading up all the guns. Uh oh.
Zoe, Madison, and Nan come back to Miss Robichaux’s Magic Castle, where they find FrankenKyle and Fiona playing gin rummy.
Fiona used her Supreme awesomeness to spruce up FrankenKyle, saying that he’s the new guard dog. Um guys, what the fuck happened to that real dog? God I hope he didn’t eat the dog.
Back at the B.A.P.S. fan club headquarters, Delphine has made it through all of Roots with her eyes closed. Queenie is disappointed but not surprised. She makes Delphine watch one more video, then she’s tossing her into the fire.
Queenie goes back downstairs to work the phones, when Hank busts into the shop and starts gunning down people left and right.
Hank shoots Queenie in the stomach and and several other beauty shop patrons before setting his sights on Marie. He shoots her in the arm and has her cornered.
Queenie crawls over to one of his guns, puts it in her mouth, and blows her brains out, effectively blowing Hank’s brains out. While this is going on, Delphine is watching footage of the Selma riots and tearing up and Queenie doesn’t get to see her FINALLY learn because she’s dead. Or is she? Stop playing with my emotions, Ryan Murphy!
Meanwhile, in case this episode wasn’t dark enough, Luke comes out of his coma… only to be smothered to death by his mother.
We end with Marie, arm bandaged, showing up at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Potential Witch Alliance. Fiona answers the door and wordlessly brings her in.
And that’s it until 2014! Tune in four weeks from now! The covens finally join forces! Matching robes for every witch! And maybe they find that dog?