61 Ways You Weirdos Described Yourselves When Signing Up For A-Camp

A-Camp 8.0 is six weeks away which means it’s time for me to start doing the magical spells that place everybody in cabins with other humans they may or may not like but hopefully will like! That’s why I ask campers to describe themselves in 400 characters or less when they register, and most of them do, and then I read through them and get very excited to meet everybody. I know a lot about your astrological signs, Meyers-Briggs types, dog vs. cat preferences, Hogwarts houses, gender presentations, grad school majors and negative feelings towards the patriarchy, so thank you for that.

Here are some excerpts from your self-descriptions, ripped mercilessly out of context, and shared here for everybody’s collective enjoyment:

1. I like showing off this one weird talent where I can turn my feet almost 180 degrees backward and still stand straight

2. Even if I only get 400 characters, 9 of them will be SLYTHERIN so make of that what you will

3. Sometimes I cry easily?

4. After years of complaining about shoddy lesbian storylines, I still haven’t seen Carol

5. I’m an Alex Danvers crossed with an Elena Alvarez but with an unfortunate side of Ali Pfefferman

6. If they made a movie about my life, Clea DuVall would play me

7. I would say I’m a mixture of all the Belcher kids (from Bob’s Burgers) but mostly a Tina

8. If Queen Latifah and J-Lo got together and had a love child it would be me

9. I am the Mexican/gay Elaine Benes that never was

10. I like to think of myself as a mix between Issa Rae and Solange

11. 100% Elena from “One Day at a Time” looking for my Mexican bruja Carmen

12. I’m the same height as Putin

13. I know the words to every single Lion King song

14. I have no self control when there are cookies in my vicinity

15. Seizing the means of production is my kink.

16. Basically I’m a sentient trash can with three degrees.

17. Secret Grunge Time Traveler

18. Insufferable bleeding heart Liberal snowflake

19. Denim-Wearing Campy Chatty Cathy

20. Sparkly weird garbage glam alien

21. Reclusive Swashbuckler / Puttering PUNographer / Sagacious Sherlockian

22. I love snapbacks and dancing like a goon

23. I eat tortilla chips in hummus literally every day

24. I have a tattoo of broccoli on my left hip

25. I am perpetually coming out to my internet service provider

26. I hate mushrooms and pudding, have never done drugs, and may one day do yoga, but probably not.

27. I’m a young grandma at heart with no apologies

28. My current favorite goof is making jokes about the Nintendo Switch. I mean, come on, Nintendo. Come on.

29. I’m usually surrounded by too many books while I’m vibing to Linda Ronstadt while leafing through the latest issue of MaximumRockNRoll.

30. I studied knot theory — in both the practical and theoretical senses, and if you find me somewhere without rope, you should help me change that situation!

31. Last year I gave a PSA about a butt plug

32. All I asked for for my last birthday was a Leatherman multitool

33. I was dubbed The Shane of the Hell’s Angels cabin. Probably because I give good life advice.

34. Writing this bio made me nervous so I google image-d “self description”

35. After one full year, this brown queer
Is ready for more fun.
Positive and goofy
awkward and sleuthy
But no longer “the quiet one.”
I can’t dance, but might take a chance,
When paired with craft beer.
Doing ALL the workshops,
breaking from the desktops,
And looking forward to Club Deer.

36. Just a smalltown queer living in a world with no fear.
They took a midnight drive going to A-caaaamp.

37. Have you ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you- you could, you’ll do, you- you wants, you, you could do so, you- you’ll do, you could- you, you want, you want them to do you so much you could do anything?

38. Tall like Amazon
Empathetic and witty
Snuggles for days, yo

When A-Camp rings bell
Lurk for years and then answer
Futile resistance

39. My Patronus is the Australian Magpie — a beautiful songbird that, when threatened, can literally kill you.

40. I enjoy long discussions about how Katniss should have run off with Madge

41. I enjoy telling people random Star Trek: The Next Generation facts

42. I have been told I’m a golden retriever in human form.

43. I’m a social media-less cusp of mystery.

44. Connoisseur of rosé and Real Housewives

45. Dream job: pilot in the rebel alliance

46. My favorite holidays are Halloween and 420.

47. Gryffindor in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets.

48. Canadian turned Southerner turned small-town Midwesterner (in other words: RESERVED BUT FRIENDLY).

49. In an Autostraddle article I read once, I found “aunt dad” as a way to describe my gender presentation and I never looked back.

50. Raised by indirect communicators but therapy has helped tremendously on that

51. I’m a Scorpio, but one who is a nervous dog terrified of everyone until I’m comfortable but then once I am I’ll both curl up on your lap and also defend your honor to the death.

52. Vapid Fluff is the most important thing on the internet.

53. I went to boarding school so know all the fun games to play when the lights go off and the teachers have gone to bed

54. I can usually be found with my head in a book because fictional life is much more interesting than my real life

55. HI RIESE

56. If I approached everything in life with the same determination and speed I put into changing into pajamas after work, I would be a highly productive person

57. I’ve been single so long that I’m pretty sure I am no longer eligible to refer to myself as a homosexual.

58. If I was an animal I’d be a raccoon because I love shiny things, staying up late, and eating garbage.

59. I’ve probably seen every Ryan Gosling movie in existence. It’s a serious disorder.

60. I love cheese more than any other food in the world

61. Anxious around cute people. Please put me with cute people.


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Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2471 articles for us.

101 Comments

  1. Okay, #39’s patronus assures me that this is a safe place to say this, so here we go:

    My Pottermore patronus is…a grass snake. Super scary. And how will it protect me from dementors, you ask? According to wikipedia:

    “Not being venomous, the snake’s only defense is to produce a garlic-smelling fluid from the anal glands, or to feign death (thanatosis) by becoming completely limp. They may also perform an aggressive display in defense, hissing and striking without actually opening the mouth. They rarely bite in defense. They may also secrete blood (autohaemorrhage) from the mouth and nose whilst playing dead. When caught they often regurgitate the contents of their stomachs.”

    SO THERE YOU GO. Anal garlic. Fake death bleeding. Defensive vomit.

    Fuck me. Fuck me hard. =/

  2. When I finished this I was like “oh wow, I really identify with 61, I wonder who wrote that?” And then I was like “I wonder what I wrote?” so I logged in and checked. It was me y’all. I wrote 61.

  3. I see your #13 and raise you a “I know all the words to the Lion King, from start to finish, even though I haven’t seen it in 14 years”.

    The bonus material from the special edition DVD doesn’t count, of course, because it’s not canon.

    I may or may not have watched the Lion King several times per week for several years. I also may or may not have spent all of my dial up internet quota role during puberty playing a Cape Hunting Dog on an online text-based Lion King, because that was a lot easier than dealing with my gender expression and scary same-sex crush.

    The only time I was happy that my parents sent me to piano lessons was the day I bought my the Lion King sheet music book.

    • I made an account specifically to reply to you. I’m number 13 and if you were on Endless Round or Kings and Vagabonds, there is a not insignificant chance I know you.

  4. I want to be friends with everyone on this list. There were some of these I could have written (like #57, 58, and 60…even weird ones like #1…I actually logged in to check to make sure I didn’t write #1, which I didn’t, because I’ve never met anyone else who could do that) but didn’t so that was weird and surprising in a good way.

  5. I think everyone should describe themselves by personality traits in proximity to the Belcher kids! I’m a mix of all with a little more Louise! And #56 is pretty much the perfect description of life lol

  6. #31 is my girlfriend! 😀

    Also I’m shocked and disappointed that my pun about being a “bibrarian” (bi librarian) didn’t make this list. Was that too cheesy even for Autostraddle? 😛

  7. So I’m reading these at work saw that I’m #39 & #40 and I literally “eek!” ed out loud and then had to try to explain to my coworker why I’m super excited on multiple levels and she just kind of looked at me like I had too much caffeine today. Which I did.

    Basically I can’t wait to meet all of you and have nerdy conversations in every variety.

    • Wait, are you actually #39? Because I wanted to say that I’ve lived in Australia for most of the last 10 years and the magpies and I have an understanding. They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them. I’ve never needed to be fearful of them. And now I’d like to know if you and I would like to come to our own understand too 😉

      (alas I won’t be at A-Camp this time around but have fun!!)

  8. I’m so bummed I can’t go! I really wanted to apply for a campership but I have to save transportation money since I’m moving to Portland for grad school. All of you sound fantastic. someday I’ll make it to A-Camp!

    (Also, to the golden retriever in human form–I’m definitely a corgi in human form. We should be friends.)

  9. y’all really have a knack for pointing it out when i say mildly embarrassing things, haha (see: every comment award i’ve ever gotten). if anyone wants to join me on a cry your feelings hike, though, i’m here.

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