A-Camp 8.0 is six weeks away which means it’s time for me to start doing the magical spells that place everybody in cabins with other humans they may or may not like but hopefully will like! That’s why I ask campers to describe themselves in 400 characters or less when they register, and most of them do, and then I read through them and get very excited to meet everybody. I know a lot about your astrological signs, Meyers-Briggs types, dog vs. cat preferences, Hogwarts houses, gender presentations, grad school majors and negative feelings towards the patriarchy, so thank you for that.
Here are some excerpts from your self-descriptions, ripped mercilessly out of context, and shared here for everybody’s collective enjoyment:
1. I like showing off this one weird talent where I can turn my feet almost 180 degrees backward and still stand straight
2. Even if I only get 400 characters, 9 of them will be SLYTHERIN so make of that what you will
3. Sometimes I cry easily?
4. After years of complaining about shoddy lesbian storylines, I still haven’t seen Carol
5. I’m an Alex Danvers crossed with an Elena Alvarez but with an unfortunate side of Ali Pfefferman
6. If they made a movie about my life, Clea DuVall would play me
7. I would say I’m a mixture of all the Belcher kids (from Bob’s Burgers) but mostly a Tina
8. If Queen Latifah and J-Lo got together and had a love child it would be me
9. I am the Mexican/gay Elaine Benes that never was
10. I like to think of myself as a mix between Issa Rae and Solange
11. 100% Elena from “One Day at a Time” looking for my Mexican bruja Carmen
12. I’m the same height as Putin
13. I know the words to every single Lion King song
14. I have no self control when there are cookies in my vicinity
15. Seizing the means of production is my kink.
16. Basically I’m a sentient trash can with three degrees.
17. Secret Grunge Time Traveler
18. Insufferable bleeding heart Liberal snowflake
19. Denim-Wearing Campy Chatty Cathy
20. Sparkly weird garbage glam alien
21. Reclusive Swashbuckler / Puttering PUNographer / Sagacious Sherlockian
22. I love snapbacks and dancing like a goon
23. I eat tortilla chips in hummus literally every day
24. I have a tattoo of broccoli on my left hip
25. I am perpetually coming out to my internet service provider
26. I hate mushrooms and pudding, have never done drugs, and may one day do yoga, but probably not.
27. I’m a young grandma at heart with no apologies
28. My current favorite goof is making jokes about the Nintendo Switch. I mean, come on, Nintendo. Come on.
29. I’m usually surrounded by too many books while I’m vibing to Linda Ronstadt while leafing through the latest issue of MaximumRockNRoll.
30. I studied knot theory — in both the practical and theoretical senses, and if you find me somewhere without rope, you should help me change that situation!
31. Last year I gave a PSA about a butt plug
32. All I asked for for my last birthday was a Leatherman multitool
33. I was dubbed The Shane of the Hell’s Angels cabin. Probably because I give good life advice.
34. Writing this bio made me nervous so I google image-d “self description”
35. After one full year, this brown queer
Is ready for more fun.
Positive and goofy
awkward and sleuthy
But no longer “the quiet one.”
I can’t dance, but might take a chance,
When paired with craft beer.
Doing ALL the workshops,
breaking from the desktops,
And looking forward to Club Deer.
36. Just a smalltown queer living in a world with no fear.
They took a midnight drive going to A-caaaamp.
37. Have you ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you- you could, you’ll do, you- you wants, you, you could do so, you- you’ll do, you could- you, you want, you want them to do you so much you could do anything?
38. Tall like Amazon
Empathetic and witty
Snuggles for days, yo
When A-Camp rings bell
Lurk for years and then answer
39. My Patronus is the Australian Magpie — a beautiful songbird that, when threatened, can literally kill you.
40. I enjoy long discussions about how Katniss should have run off with Madge
41. I enjoy telling people random Star Trek: The Next Generation facts
42. I have been told I’m a golden retriever in human form.
43. I’m a social media-less cusp of mystery.
44. Connoisseur of rosé and Real Housewives
45. Dream job: pilot in the rebel alliance
46. My favorite holidays are Halloween and 420.
47. Gryffindor in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets.
48. Canadian turned Southerner turned small-town Midwesterner (in other words: RESERVED BUT FRIENDLY).
49. In an Autostraddle article I read once, I found “aunt dad” as a way to describe my gender presentation and I never looked back.
50. Raised by indirect communicators but therapy has helped tremendously on that
51. I’m a Scorpio, but one who is a nervous dog terrified of everyone until I’m comfortable but then once I am I’ll both curl up on your lap and also defend your honor to the death.
52. Vapid Fluff is the most important thing on the internet.
53. I went to boarding school so know all the fun games to play when the lights go off and the teachers have gone to bed
54. I can usually be found with my head in a book because fictional life is much more interesting than my real life
55. HI RIESE
56. If I approached everything in life with the same determination and speed I put into changing into pajamas after work, I would be a highly productive person
57. I’ve been single so long that I’m pretty sure I am no longer eligible to refer to myself as a homosexual.
58. If I was an animal I’d be a raccoon because I love shiny things, staying up late, and eating garbage.
59. I’ve probably seen every Ryan Gosling movie in existence. It’s a serious disorder.
60. I love cheese more than any other food in the world
61. Anxious around cute people. Please put me with cute people.