A-Camp 8.0 is six weeks away which means it’s time for me to start doing the magical spells that place everybody in cabins with other humans they may or may not like but hopefully will like! That’s why I ask campers to describe themselves in 400 characters or less when they register, and most of them do, and then I read through them and get very excited to meet everybody. I know a lot about your astrological signs, Meyers-Briggs types, dog vs. cat preferences, Hogwarts houses, gender presentations, grad school majors and negative feelings towards the patriarchy, so thank you for that.
Here are some excerpts from your self-descriptions, ripped mercilessly out of context, and shared here for everybody’s collective enjoyment:
1. I like showing off this one weird talent where I can turn my feet almost 180 degrees backward and still stand straight
2. Even if I only get 400 characters, 9 of them will be SLYTHERIN so make of that what you will
3. Sometimes I cry easily?
4. After years of complaining about shoddy lesbian storylines, I still haven’t seen Carol
5. I’m an Alex Danvers crossed with an Elena Alvarez but with an unfortunate side of Ali Pfefferman
6. If they made a movie about my life, Clea DuVall would play me
7. I would say I’m a mixture of all the Belcher kids (from Bob’s Burgers) but mostly a Tina
8. If Queen Latifah and J-Lo got together and had a love child it would be me
9. I am the Mexican/gay Elaine Benes that never was
10. I like to think of myself as a mix between Issa Rae and Solange
11. 100% Elena from “One Day at a Time” looking for my Mexican bruja Carmen
12. I’m the same height as Putin
13. I know the words to every single Lion King song
14. I have no self control when there are cookies in my vicinity
15. Seizing the means of production is my kink.
16. Basically I’m a sentient trash can with three degrees.
17. Secret Grunge Time Traveler
18. Insufferable bleeding heart Liberal snowflake
19. Denim-Wearing Campy Chatty Cathy
20. Sparkly weird garbage glam alien
21. Reclusive Swashbuckler / Puttering PUNographer / Sagacious Sherlockian
22. I love snapbacks and dancing like a goon
23. I eat tortilla chips in hummus literally every day
24. I have a tattoo of broccoli on my left hip
25. I am perpetually coming out to my internet service provider
26. I hate mushrooms and pudding, have never done drugs, and may one day do yoga, but probably not.
27. I’m a young grandma at heart with no apologies
28. My current favorite goof is making jokes about the Nintendo Switch. I mean, come on, Nintendo. Come on.
29. I’m usually surrounded by too many books while I’m vibing to Linda Ronstadt while leafing through the latest issue of MaximumRockNRoll.
30. I studied knot theory — in both the practical and theoretical senses, and if you find me somewhere without rope, you should help me change that situation!
31. Last year I gave a PSA about a butt plug
32. All I asked for for my last birthday was a Leatherman multitool
33. I was dubbed The Shane of the Hell’s Angels cabin. Probably because I give good life advice.
34. Writing this bio made me nervous so I google image-d “self description”
35. After one full year, this brown queer
Is ready for more fun.
Positive and goofy
awkward and sleuthy
But no longer “the quiet one.”
I can’t dance, but might take a chance,
When paired with craft beer.
Doing ALL the workshops,
breaking from the desktops,
And looking forward to Club Deer.
36. Just a smalltown queer living in a world with no fear.
They took a midnight drive going to A-caaaamp.
37. Have you ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you- you could, you’ll do, you- you wants, you, you could do so, you- you’ll do, you could- you, you want, you want them to do you so much you could do anything?
38. Tall like Amazon
Empathetic and witty
Snuggles for days, yo
When A-Camp rings bell
Lurk for years and then answer
Futile resistance
39. My Patronus is the Australian Magpie — a beautiful songbird that, when threatened, can literally kill you.
40. I enjoy long discussions about how Katniss should have run off with Madge
41. I enjoy telling people random Star Trek: The Next Generation facts
42. I have been told I’m a golden retriever in human form.
43. I’m a social media-less cusp of mystery.
44. Connoisseur of rosé and Real Housewives
45. Dream job: pilot in the rebel alliance
46. My favorite holidays are Halloween and 420.
47. Gryffindor in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets.
48. Canadian turned Southerner turned small-town Midwesterner (in other words: RESERVED BUT FRIENDLY).
49. In an Autostraddle article I read once, I found “aunt dad” as a way to describe my gender presentation and I never looked back.
50. Raised by indirect communicators but therapy has helped tremendously on that
51. I’m a Scorpio, but one who is a nervous dog terrified of everyone until I’m comfortable but then once I am I’ll both curl up on your lap and also defend your honor to the death.
52. Vapid Fluff is the most important thing on the internet.
53. I went to boarding school so know all the fun games to play when the lights go off and the teachers have gone to bed
54. I can usually be found with my head in a book because fictional life is much more interesting than my real life
55. HI RIESE
56. If I approached everything in life with the same determination and speed I put into changing into pajamas after work, I would be a highly productive person
57. I’ve been single so long that I’m pretty sure I am no longer eligible to refer to myself as a homosexual.
58. If I was an animal I’d be a raccoon because I love shiny things, staying up late, and eating garbage.
59. I’ve probably seen every Ryan Gosling movie in existence. It’s a serious disorder.
60. I love cheese more than any other food in the world
61. Anxious around cute people. Please put me with cute people.
I’m pretty sure I was #4? #9 and #51, let’s hang out.
i’m not afraid to come out as #51 so yes hit me up
#60 come find me
oh hey, #60 is me! I thought it might brie a little cheesy to say something but then I thought feta of it.
this comment is a gift and i hope you make it to wine + cheese tasting !!!
Okay, #39’s patronus assures me that this is a safe place to say this, so here we go:
My Pottermore patronus is…a grass snake. Super scary. And how will it protect me from dementors, you ask? According to wikipedia:
“Not being venomous, the snake’s only defense is to produce a garlic-smelling fluid from the anal glands, or to feign death (thanatosis) by becoming completely limp. They may also perform an aggressive display in defense, hissing and striking without actually opening the mouth. They rarely bite in defense. They may also secrete blood (autohaemorrhage) from the mouth and nose whilst playing dead. When caught they often regurgitate the contents of their stomachs.”
SO THERE YOU GO. Anal garlic. Fake death bleeding. Defensive vomit.
Fuck me. Fuck me hard. =/
Here I just got “grey mare”, which felt like veiled commentary on my spinsterhood. :P
Tabby cat, while not incorrect, felt a lot like JK Rowling calling me a cat lady.
I love everyone calling out #, it feels as if I’m reading Autostraddle missed connections lmao
“Gryffindor in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets.”
?
I identify with an alarming number of these.
When I finished this I was like “oh wow, I really identify with 61, I wonder who wrote that?” And then I was like “I wonder what I wrote?” so I logged in and checked. It was me y’all. I wrote 61.
@bcewalker YOU WOULD
#12, thank you for inspiring me to google Putin’s height and find out that I, too, am the same height as Putin.
That one made me think “I bet I am too”.
Now I’m frustrated, because Googling it gives me anything from 5’2″ to 5’7″.
Yeah, I had the same problem. I just went with 5’7” ? I love the idea of being taller than Putin, though.
I’m taller than Putin. And Ash
I am taller than Putin AND Wolverine.
You’re welcome.
I see your #13 and raise you a “I know all the words to the Lion King, from start to finish, even though I haven’t seen it in 14 years”.
The bonus material from the special edition DVD doesn’t count, of course, because it’s not canon.
I may or may not have watched the Lion King several times per week for several years. I also may or may not have spent all of my dial up internet quota role during puberty playing a Cape Hunting Dog on an online text-based Lion King, because that was a lot easier than dealing with my gender expression and scary same-sex crush.
The only time I was happy that my parents sent me to piano lessons was the day I bought my the Lion King sheet music book.
I made an account specifically to reply to you. I’m number 13 and if you were on Endless Round or Kings and Vagabonds, there is a not insignificant chance I know you.
Me too 56, me too
ME TOO
I can’t write these, you guys! Mine says “I’m Queer Girl.”
But I love all of these so much.
Mine says ” just put me with this and that person “
Same, I went to five A-camps, and my description section every time probs just made Riese wonder if I’m okay.
I want to be friends with everyone on this list. There were some of these I could have written (like #57, 58, and 60…even weird ones like #1…I actually logged in to check to make sure I didn’t write #1, which I didn’t, because I’ve never met anyone else who could do that) but didn’t so that was weird and surprising in a good way.
I’m #1 ! I’ve never met anyone who could do that either, I mostly just got comments like “You’re anatomically incorrect?!”, Horrified shrieks and “Please never do that again.” Should also be noted that I can’t do it without help, but it also looks more like torture when people kick my feet into weird positions?
I think obviously we need to meet up at camp and compare our twisty legs! haha
Of course, people with twisty legs should stick together!
61 is a genius
Hey, #46 and Aunt Dad. Let’s be buds.
I get it.
I knew you would. Are you coming to camp? I want to meet you so bad.
OMG, you are too sweet. I’d like that, but no I am not(not fully comfortable seeing as im not on E, yet). Maybe if I’m ever in Louisiana, or you are out west here.
I have a wedding out west in October, so maybe!
41 let’s talk TNG
I’m not #41, but same.
“16. Basically I’m a sentient trash can with three degrees.”
sup hey hi let’s hang at camp.
Wait actually I wanna hang with 19 and 20 too.
wait wait i should have read this all the way through before saying who i wanna hang with: 35, 54, 57, 58, 60 wait wait wait nevermind. just everyone i’m excited to meet everyone.
Me too please!!!
Hey, hello, that’s me, let’s hang.
Clarification: I’m #16.
I’m mad that I came to flirt with #16 in the comments (hello Morgan do you remember me, your former counselor) and Archie had already beat me to it
Cackling @ this entire exchange while screenshotting for the Lionz Klub™️ group chat
Hi yes Cecelia I absolutely remember you lets hang at camp please.
Was the sparkly glam alien Cecilia
If not they should probably meet Cecilia
HMMMM i wonder who 22 and 24 are???
also, 2, 11, 52, 51, 58 and especially 47, find me in klub deer, let’s have some fun
I think everyone should describe themselves by personality traits in proximity to the Belcher kids! I’m a mix of all with a little more Louise! And #56 is pretty much the perfect description of life lol
I am a Tina / Louise mix. Butt obsessed and into drama.
Sounds fun, do you also want a doll that turns into a knife?
So much you don’t even know
And then it become a fight to the death.
Sorry had quote Louise.
Y’all my friend just got two pet chickens and named them Louise and Tina, and I got to meet them last night! Tina has a large chicken butt and I’m in love with them. They’re soft and cuddly and like to be petted and make the sweetest cooing sounds when you pat them!
#7 would you like to be friends?
Damn you are all amazing!
YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HAVE SUCH A GOOD TIME!!!!
#14 and #60, you are my people.
I can’t make it this year :( :( :( but if I did my bio was going to say “I was known as the introverted one in the introverts’ cabin”.
#13: I, too know the words to every Lion King song and broke SEVERAL VHS tapes of it in my youth let’s be best friends okay thanks
#55 here. Really dug deep writing this description. Solid work.
also #28 I hope you also noticed that the most recent Pokemon title is abbreviated S&M. Nintendo is such a treasure.
#57, I empathize
#57 thanks you for empathizing…or so I have been told.
#31 is my girlfriend! :D
Also I’m shocked and disappointed that my pun about being a “bibrarian” (bi librarian) didn’t make this list. Was that too cheesy even for Autostraddle? :P
That is an excellent bi pun, and I would like to cordially invite you to join the bi pun posse we started in the Comment Awards a couple weeks back.
#lifeofbi
#princessbi
#bipungetpunfree
#bibrarian
I’m thinking we should soon be ready to form a team for the Bilympics.
Oh wow, I never thought this day would come! I’d like to thank my mom, my friends who’ve supported me through years of punning, my girlfriend for putting up with me, and of course bisexuality for endowing me with this gift. #blessed
Yes, welcome to the posse! To paraphrase Chandra from our original comment award thread, membership is bi pun, get pun free, so you can participate in the first team event, the biaskalon(g).
FYI we have no less than NINE LIBRARIANS coming to this camp
Omg, that is so exciting! We should form a club!
lololol can’t wait to meet y’all
It’s good to know I’m not the only adult human who considers their Hogwarts house a vital part of their identity
So important. So so so important. If Pottermore didn’t put me in Ravenclaw there were going to be serious consequences.
The fact that Pottermore didn’t put me in Ravenclaw actually triggered a minor identity crisis, but like, I’m #2 so obviously I have come to terms with things :P
Someone the other day pointed out that A-camp is the five days of the year they can wear anything they fucking want, and I feel like these descriptions are the identity version of that
I was gonna comment abt the broccoli tattoo and then saw myself-#43. Social media-less cusp of mystery… apparently also curious about vegetable tats. Mystery over, guys.
I too am curious about the broccoli tattoo.
Thanks for answering my question (which I asked myself in my head lol) ‘is AS social media’. I don’t use twitter Facebook etc but obv I’m on here.
Imo-bc no self loathing-AS shouldn’t count as social media.
So I’m reading these at work saw that I’m #39 & #40 and I literally “eek!” ed out loud and then had to try to explain to my coworker why I’m super excited on multiple levels and she just kind of looked at me like I had too much caffeine today. Which I did.
Basically I can’t wait to meet all of you and have nerdy conversations in every variety.
Wait, are you actually #39? Because I wanted to say that I’ve lived in Australia for most of the last 10 years and the magpies and I have an understanding. They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them. I’ve never needed to be fearful of them. And now I’d like to know if you and I would like to come to our own understand too ;)
(alas I won’t be at A-Camp this time around but have fun!!)
I really am #39 and we can come to whatever understanding you want ;)
I’ve never actually been to Australia but I’ve always wanted to go, if only to meet my Patronus.
will number nine please date me
I keep forgetting to read the ‘at heart’ bit of #27 and I’m imagining this 32 yo queer actual grandma… I love all of these. Have fun at camp you guys :)
Young Grandma: let’s hang out and watch Golden Girls reruns and then fall asleep at 9:30
#47 was me, copyright
#15 hit me up
YOU ALL ARE AMAZING and I’m so disappointed in my boring answer now. I feel so unworthy to be in their presence…maybe I’ll just sleep in a box outside.
Same
I have some doppelganger out there … I see you #58
#56 and 58 we would be best friends
Okay I know I didn’t register for ACamp but #42 made me second-guess that for a hot sec because I too have been told that I am a golden retriever in human form.
I’m so bummed I can’t go! I really wanted to apply for a campership but I have to save transportation money since I’m moving to Portland for grad school. All of you sound fantastic. someday I’ll make it to A-Camp!
(Also, to the golden retriever in human form–I’m definitely a corgi in human form. We should be friends.)
#16 did you know my tinder bio is just the lyrics to Oscar the Grouch’s ode to trash, “I love trash?” so. just saying.
I totally did not, but I think that’s brilliant and 100% on brand for me.
56 made me belly laugh. #Touche
y’all really have a knack for pointing it out when i say mildly embarrassing things, haha (see: every comment award i’ve ever gotten). if anyone wants to join me on a cry your feelings hike, though, i’m here.
I don’t know what you’re talking about cb, you get comment awards for saying AWESOME things
If I was going to camp I would totally be down for cry hiking.
you’re a wanker, #29 (I think I love you!)
friends.
I am a mix between 27 and 56. Sooo… 83?
also i know my partner didn’t apply for a-camp this year, but i am definitely dating 32.
Desperately Seeking #58
Let’s live that life