Author’s Note (5/9/20): I am constantly disappointed by white women I love, but usually said disappointment doesn’t occur within 24 hours of publishing a congratulatory ranking of their heterosexual recipes in order of lesbianism, granting them a tiny sliver of acceptance amongst our people. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Alison Roman has disappointed me, and all of us, recently, with hateful comments about two Asian women and the way they’ve chosen to run their business, while also capitalizing off of Asian flavor combinations, but making them more palatable for white audiences. I’m upset, but not surprised.
If you’ve gone out and bought the ingredients to make these–keep them! Make the recipes! Don’t waste food, especially now. If you’re looking for somewhere else to be inspired, I get it. I highly suggest trying some recipes from Kristen Kish, former Top Chef winner, and very adorable queer person! Or Patricia Yeo’s Sesame Noodles! Or literally any of Reneice Charles’ recipes from Femme Brûlée! Or see what Kamala’s making in The Dyke Kitchen.
The thing about recipes is that they’re all just inspiration, and Alison Roman is just one person providing inspiration for you to get in the kitchen. Don’t feel bad if you liked her, and her shallot pasta got you excited to cook for the first time, or her weeknight chicken confit was the first time you roasted a chicken correctly. Be grateful that she inspired you, and take that inspiration onto new, more exciting, recipes from people who don’t say racist things! Happy cooking!
If there were any curse to being a lesbian or a bisexual or a queer person or what have you, it’s that we sometimes develop crushes on girls. And sometimes, because, I don’t know if you knew this, but, some girls are straight. I know. It’s a lot. And I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum, but honestly, heterosexuality? In this economy? Couldn’t be me. I digress. Sometimes, however, the straight girl on whom you have a crush does something that not only makes her even more hot and adorable, but is also useful! Like, Reese Witherspoon – she can act the hell out of a problematic white woman and she makes really gorgeous preppy clothes! Entertainment and sartorial guidance, I love it!
All this build up is because I need to admit something to you. Hi, my name is A___ and I have a crush on Alison Roman, a straight girl. Y’all she’s dreamy! And the dreamiest things about her are that she’s an amazing chef and recipe developer. And in these trying times (do I sound like a Kia commercial?) we can count on food to sustain us, physically, and emotionally. It’s only right that as a pandemic caused an international hunkering-down, all of a sudden, lesbians and queers began hashtagging their food #dykes4roman (its history is fuzzy, but it seems the hashtag was inspired by a tweet about lesbians cooking Roman’s shallot pasta by writer Kayla, to which Community Editor Vanessa replied, #dykes4roman). Her recipes rely on pantry staples, fresh herbs, long lasting produce, and satisfy vegetarians, vegans, and meat eating dykes alike. It was like we’d been hoping for a savior and she’d been there all along, writing for food magazines, slowly growing out her roots, waiting for us to fall in love. And fall in love we did.
I figured, since you’re home and I’m home and you’re probably cooking and you’ve maybe seen #dykes4roman floating around on your social media, you might be wondering, “If I wanted to make an Alison Roman recipe, and have it be the most lesbian one, which one would I make???” Well babe, I’ve done the hard research for you, and out of her extensive oeuvre, I’ve gathered 35 dishes I think you’d enjoy making ranked in order of lesbianism.
If I know the readership, you are all about to go scroll to number one and comment, “I can’t believe that shallot pasta isn’t number one!!!!!!!” and I will risk spoiling that to tell you why. For a while, a lot of what Alison Roman was writing was for publications that were accessible without a paywall. In addition to writing her own cookbooks, lately she’s written more for an unnamed publication that puts its recipes behind a paywall. And to paraphrase Tabitha Brown, that’s their business. But lesbianism is about collectivity and as a collective we say no to paywalls! Therefore, I haven’t included any recipes from the unnamed publication, but have included videos of her preparing those recipes throughout as delightful interludes. Now you can still go to the comments and yell at me if you want, but I said what I said and I stand by it!
And now, without comment: 35 Alison Roman recipes ranked in order of lesbianism.
This feels very self explanatory.
The term bachelor feels incredibly hetero but there’s no laws saying we can’t be bachelors.
Lesbians know that size matters and honestly why make a small latke when you could make a large latke?
Why does gravy make me think of fathers even though I love it??? Excited to take that to therapy!
The brown butter intrigued me, which means they’re at least kinda lesbian.
Canning and jam making is basically a gay sport, but Riesling feels like the wine of young straight professionals who do SoulCycle. So I mean, full of lesbian energy, nonetheless.
Apple fritters were like my hometown delicacy and my hometown is not lesbian (outside of producing me), but the oats give these a big boost.
Especially in this historical moment, bread making in all its forms is very gay.
Cooking a whole fish in an extra complicated but beautifully presentational way? Yeah that’s gay.
On the other hand, an overly simple yet delicious snack/meal is also really gay.
French cooking techniques are lesbian.
Lesbians love brunch and a tart screams brunch.
Vegetarian meals that also feel like they could’ve been foraged? That’s queer.
I feel like artichokes are controversial, like a lot of things lesbians are into.
Every gay dinner party I’ve gone to has pizzazzed up something basic but delicious like cornbread and I respect that.
The lesbian who inspired me to make this recipe list loves burrata.
Whomst amongst us doesn’t love a good vegetable stock? It’s the chicken stock of our people.
This is so extra and barely a recipe and I love that about it, and therefore, it’s lesbian.
Queers love two things: dates and hearty herbs they can grow themselves.
Not quite apple sauce, not quite baked apples. It’s like being nonbinary in apple form!
Kombucha. Need I say more?
For my southern dykes.
We love to add a fun element to cheese boards.
Speaking of those cheese boards… a little fresh jam never hurt one.
Being sweet, salty, and spicy all at once is my favorite thing about the gays. Also, the fact that this is the accompanying picture???? Hot.
We love spinach in things that don’t need spinach. I don’t know why, we just do.
Some vegetarian femme has absolutely made this for a quick breakfast for a cutie before kicking them out after a one night stand.
Is it weird that this is so high on the list because a lesbian introduced me to feta cheese?
Taking something, making it worse, but actually making it better is queer culture.
Trans women love pickles.
Did you say anchovies? The tinned fish that has been on the quarantine grocery list of 78% of lesbians I know?
These cookies said BISEXUAL RIGHTS!!!!
Rainbows. Get it? Rainbows?
Leeks are thrifty (gay), asparagus is delicious and tall (gay), and soft eggs???? Very sapphic.
Because I don’t know if you know this, but clam pasta, for every meal is the most lesbian thing you could do.
Well gays and girls, as they say, bone apple teeth! Hope you also got a crush on Alison Roman, or at least found a new recipe to try out!