Did this tweet inspire me to watch Love Is Blind last week and then immediately begin screencapping it for an Autostraddle post? It did.
Before anyone suggests lesbo Love Is Blind, let’s be clear that processing all your emotions in 72 hours, followed by an extended weekend first date, leading to moving in and planning your wedding for 3 weeks later already IS the default lesbian experience. #loveisblindfinale
— Alice Wu (@thatalicewu) February 28, 2020
Because yes, as also noted in yesterday’s landmark essay “Love Is Blind” Is Basically a Lesbian Reality Show for Straight People — and I Can’t Get Enough of It, this is what we’re dealing with here: women who date women are more likely than any other sexual orientation group to meet their partner online, sight unseen, develop an intense emotional connection, meet up for a whirlwind romantic weekend in an appropriately sexual but undoubtedly isolated location, and then immediately move in together. Watching these heterosexuals dive head-first into relationships they’re convinced must be true love just because they essentially texted all night for four days was nothing short of banal. Whomst among us has not done precisely that? The question is are straight people okay and the answer is, not really. [Also, the Diamond / Carlton situation is actually too serious to be part of a jokey post like this one, but I recommend this piece by our very own Rachel Charlene Lewis over at Bitch Magazine.]
Shall we begin to discuss how, exactly, this show stole our culture? I AM.
1. Falling In Love With Her Without Ever Having Seen Her
2. Sharing All Your Trauma Within 24 Hours of Meeting
3. The Ceremonial Meeting of the Girlfriends at the Airport
You’ve seen it in a million YouTube videos of YouTube girlfriends who have since broken up. You’ve done it yourself. She has flowers. You have a very heavy backpack. You kiss for the first time. You squeeze hands. You pledge eternal devotion. Her hair smells incredible.
4. Being So Excited Your Internet Girlfriend is Objectively Hot That You Don’t Really Think About If You Are Personally Attracted To Them
6. 2 Bottoms, 1 Relationship
Kelly! Kelly and Kenny. Has there ever been a cuter set of names for a lesbian couple? There has not been. Unfortunately, these two humans are never going to bone.
7. Having to Hang Out With Your Exes All The Time
8. Having Horse Friends
9. Being a Kinsey 5
Okay so disclaimer: Kelly doesn’t really give off gay vibes or any interest in women, but her messaging about men is very much on a Kinsey 5 level. Sure, Kelly’s into men. But only like — REALLY REALLY HOT MEN WHO FIT A VERY SPECIFIC TYPE? And also, she’s never really connected emotionally to any of her exes? And also… didn’t receive the pleasure she desired from having sex with them, so?
10. Being a Tomboy Who Spends $200 On One Trip To Ulta
11. Adding Your May-December Relationship To The Cannon of Celebrity May-December Relationships
12. Your Friends Thinking You’re Crazy To Marry Someone You Just Met, You Thinking They Just Don’t Understand the Depths of Your Connection
13. Reminding Everybody That She Said One Time She Wanted to Marry You and Therefore Her Eventual Rejection Of You Was Not an Actual Rejection But Just Her Being Bananas and Blinded By Lust for Amber
14. Shane / Carmen / Jenny Love Triangle
Remember when Carmen dated Jenny seemingly just for the good sex, romantic attention, and the fact that Jenny lived with Shane and therefore Carmen could keep being around Shane while kinda still pursuing and crushing on Shane and also being obsessed with Shane’s downward spiral?
15. Getting Engaged After Dating For One (1) Week
16. Fighting About Her Parents Not Knowing About Your Relationship
18. Wanting To Play Her “You Belong With Me” On Your Ukulele
19. Brutally Breaking Up With Someone While Telling Them They Should Be Okay With It Because It’s Your Emotional Truth and You’re Just Being True to Yourself and It’s All For The Best and Your Therapist and Sister Agree With You, So