15 Funny Things Rachel Said Recently

rachel-reading-fabEvery day, the senior and contributing editors of this website engage in an e-mail reply-all, via which we discuss the news of the day as well as whatever Vanessa has feelings about. Rachel, our Senior Editor, is one of the many brilliant minds participating in these daily emails — in fact, she leads the discussion every other day. Sometimes she says funny things. Lately I feel like she’s been especially funny. I’m not sure why.

15 Funny Things Rachel Said Recently

1.  trying to find news today is like trying to find your wallet in a stadium after a Michigan State game, where in this analogy “yammering about the Supreme Court” is “empty beer bottles and vomit.”

2. does anyone have any good vegan legume-free potluck recipes? asking for a friend.


rachel: liz you’re going to be the best doctor in the world. how long before you can prescribe me xanax.
carmen: how long until you can give me a pelvic exam and then we do cocaine using our own dollar bills freshly printed from the treasury
rachel: i think carmen wins the award for today for “things i want to tweet but won’t”

4. five years from now when i’m living in a tree writing tracts about how monsanto is part of the illuminati cabal on recycled seventh-generation paper bags, you can pinpoint this as the moment it started.

5. Just want to share that since I’m currently on my phone, the picture of Liz’s panties is showing up in every new email and it’s really working well for me


ali: Editors: Can any interns transcribe one of my female ejaculation interviews? Who is available today/is willing to do it?
rachel: moment of silence in which we all stop to appreciate how weird and great our job is via the question ali just asked

7. i feel like we should do a listening party of laneia liveblogging her reactions to tori amos songs

8. reagan’s daughter says he would have backed gay marriage? i, too, am bored of talking about marriage, but JESUS CHRIST republicans you can’t have reagan do EVERYTHING for you, may i remind you he is DEAD

9. does anyone know of a chrome extension or search term or anything that will make it so that when i use google or google news, no results from huffington post will ever come up ever? this is a real question.

10. today i had a really rough day at my day job and so i came home with a grand plan to make a personal pan vegan pizza for myself with my favorite toppings from childhood, which i did, but then when i baked it on a foil-lined pan it somehow stuck to the foil even though that is the exact opposite of the idea of foil and when i tried to unstick it all the toppings slid off and i had to put them back on with a spoon and i was preeeettty close to crying. but then i ate it and it tasted good! the end.


riese: rachel/laneia/laura can somebody else look at the PLL open thread feelings post and publish it, because it hasn’t aired here yet and i don’t want to spoil it for myself
rachel: i will look at this post, this can be when i carried you

12. just want to share with everyone that today my horoscope literally says “today you are just like everybody else, except cuter and more articulate.”

13. everything is terrible but also ultimately ok.

14. Petition for an instructional video of Brittani folding underwear

15. hold up jasika nicole’s tumblr name is sugarbooty?

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3183 articles for us.


      • yeah i thought this was a given? like i don’t even bother talking about it because i just assume everyone feels the same.

    • I mean, yeah, everyone does.

      I think “this can be when I carried you” is my favorite.

  1. this was a really great post idea because I felt very guilty when we had these all to ourselves.

  2. 1. rachel is the best.

    2. i want everyone to know that i’m currently forcing the other editors to talk about my feelings of embarrassment over being called out in the first paragraph of this post. i just have a lot of feelings you guys.

    • You have feelings about having feelings
      I don’t know. But we love your feelings, and in fact we may have feelings about your feelings. This could get complicated.

    • “She doesn’t even go here!”
      “Do you even go here?”

      whenever I see “lots of feelings” I either think lesbians or Tina Fey.

      • I think the correct phrasing is actually
        “Do you even go to this school?”

        Sorry if this comment is unnecessary and annoying, but I (like so many of us) have the entire transcript to Mean Girls in my head and I hate the thought that either one of us was even slightly misremembering how it goes, because any straying of our quoting from the original would mean a betrayal of Tina Fey’s genius.

    • Don’t worry! I have a plan in the works, my friend. You will get your fill of female ejaculation soon enough. :0)

  3. I used to put stars beside the e-mails in which Rachel and/or Riese and/or Laneia said something hilarious, but then I realized I was just starring everything.

  4. It’s nearing midnight here, so I kind of just grinned stupidly as I read through this list? Whateves, Rachel’s statements are amazing and I want more! All of you are amazing!

    idk i just have a lot of feelings(+ve) wrt to Autostraddle right now.

  5. #10 may be terrible but I definitely snort-laughed at the time because its also so adorable I just want to give Rachel a million hugs.

  6. “everything is terrible but also ultimately ok” = subtitle to my post-college early twenties

    I love all of this.

    • thank you casey! i go to a womyn’s potluck every friday (yes really) and one of the participants can’t eat legumes or soy but also i kind of want to make vegan meals so i can eat them myself, and the repertoire is pretty limited. this is great, thanks so much!

  7. I began LOL-ing until #5, when Liz’s-panties-related thoughts made me, um, pause for reflection

    • Oh jeez and I can’t even explain it away with context because context just makes it worse.

      • Liz! Are you going to camp again? I’ll miss this one unfortunately… But everyone else should have the pleasure of listening to you talk. You basically said all of my favorite things at the first camp.

        If you aren’t going, we should hang out. I’ll be in Providence for my brother’s graduation!

  8. “15 Funny Things Rachel Said Recently” could be a regular feature JUST A SUGGESTION.

  9. This is the greatest. I just want to be an AS editor. But I think if you combined all of my feelings with all of Vanessa’s feelings that the gay online universe would implode.

    But really, thanks for this. It was really reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who tries to cook things for herself and has ridiculous things happen like tin foil not work. I’m glad the pizza was delicious nonetheless. :)

  10. Alternate title: 15 Reasons Why Rachel is the Best.

    It feels strange typing my name when I am not referring to me.

  11. #8 Oh. My. God. I had the same thought, especially reading how the Reagan siblings are squabbling over what Daddy Woulda Done.

  12. This is an example of why this site is one of my favoritest ever sites. It’s kinda embarrassing how much my conversation with my wife starts out, “you know on autostraddle…”

  13. This is hilarious, thanks for sharing.

    And also, total Point-Dexter moment. If you folks didn’t resolve the ‘excluding HuffPo’ question, to exclude a website when your google searching, after your search term, write: -site:[website], so for example, –> potatoes -site:wikipedia.org

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