It takes a lot for a person to do no wrong. The editors of this magazine have knocked our heads together to figure out what this means exactly and decided that the definition of a person who “does no wrong” is as follows:
If you make a claim such as “Jane Lynch can do no wrong,” no reasonable human being would disagree with you or dissent from your unequivocal opinion. Anyone who disagrees with the statement “Jane Lynch can do no wrong” is an asshole. However, if one desired, one could make a case that other heroes of ours, such as Adam Lambert or Lady Gaga, occasionally are able to do wrong. If someone doesn’t like Lady Gaga, you would not write him or her or ze off. You would still perhaps even have a second date with them (Riese has, however, refused a second date because said date did not like Grey Gardens), or marry this person and have their children, or let them be your children’s earth mothers.
We have assembled a list of humans who do no wrong. If you disagree with us, you’re an asshole.
1. Jane Lynch: The Queen of Doing No Wrong
Jane Lynch is the model by which all others could attempt to do no wrong. Describing why Jane Lynch does no wrong is irrelevant because Jane Lynch = Doing No Wrong.
2. Neil Patrick Harris
He sings & dances. We all had a crush on him as Doogie Howser, and we all have a crush on him now that he likes boys and we like girls. Also, we’re not entirely convinced that NPH himself was not a boy genius like Doogie Howser. He navigated his way from child star to adult star without any crashing or burning, and now everyone embraces his homogayness.
3. Tegan & Sara
This particular inclusion may be up for debate. There are some lesbians who believe Tegan & Sara can do wrong, which is usually a result of said lesbians not understanding why all the other lesbians are so f*cking obsessed with Tegan & Sara. But outside of that niche community, you can’t find anyone who could look into their adorable faces, listen to them sing their nice lyrics, and dare to suggest they’ve done wrong.
4. Ira Glass
Ira Glass, host of “This American Life” on NPR, is a glorious human being. People who don’t like “This American Life” are the problem with America. He’s also adorably humble in his pledge drives, super-cute about being shy on the teevee, and gets so so so so into his interviews, he laughs a lot during them.
5. Betty White
Betty White makes you feel safe and loved, and just when you think she’s going to hand you a plate of cookies, she says a bunch of dirty words in a row. Also according to some expert sources, she was a smokin’ hot young lady. Also after Saturday Night Live, she stayed out with the cast ’til 3am. Holler!
6. Ellen & Portia
In addition to both of them being gorgeous and Ellen making cute jokes about Portia on her show, they’re totally philanthropists and make lesbians look very appealing, even to close-minded people in red states. No wrong can be done here. Unless they break up, in which case we might as well all just slit our wrists.
7. Julie Goldman
We have been aware of Julie Goldman’s ability to do no wrong since 2008, when we first saw her do stand-up on an R-Family cruise and wet our pants and had to buy new pants and order laundry service. The fact that Julie Goldman is now doing a fantastic web-series with Brandy Howard on Autostraddle.com is not the reason she is included here. It is simply further evidence of her ability to do no wrong.
8. Jennifer Beals
In addition to playing Bette Porter, Jennifer Beals can give birth without drugs, runs triathlons for funsies, never travels without her magical holistic balancing tea, meditates regularly, and fixed her Epstein Barr disease by cutting out sugar, wheat and caffeine, and she is teaching her daughter “eco-friendly” living. In fact she recycles SO MUCH that she worries her neighbors must think they never “keep anything.”
She’s also v. hot, supportive of the gays, and doesn’t watch the teevee, even when she’s on it.
9. Rachel Maddow:
With Rachel Maddow, it’s all in the delivery. “I understand the political desire to blame the questioner and not the answerer when the answers prove upsetting, but if you‘re going to try to make me the story, if you‘re more interested in talking about me rather than your own candidate, then maybe you should be willing to talk to me yourself instead of just talking about me.” Damn, girl.
10. Most Likely to Do No Wrong: Janelle Monae
We cannot be completely confident that Janelle will continue to effortlessly do no wrong. But so far we like what we see. We feel she will peak soon and then we’ll find out. If it turns out that she’s bi or lesbian but won’t come out, we are fine with that as long as she continues answering sexual-orientation questions with statements like, “I’m actually attracted to androids.”
39 responses to “Top Ten People Who Can Do No Wrong, Like Jane Lynch”
Well, then since you put it that way I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said. Thanks for the smiles first thing in the morning. Off to work.
I wonder if Portia and Ellen ever feel the pressure of a nation’s (or even globe’s) entire lesbian population expectant gaze as they will them on to be the most perfect gay couple in existence.
I think if they did split up, it would go beyond wrist-slitting and would usher in the lesbian apocalypse.
Also, although the title says top ten people, there are twelve people, it’s like you’re giving us an extra 20% free of doing-no-wrong-ness! Which seems to me to be very good value in this continuing climate of economic uncertainty.
The only ones of these I can’t unequivocally agree with are Jennifer Beals and Tegan and Sara, since I didn’t watch The L Word and I don’t listen to Tegan and Sara. (I AM SUCH A BAD QUEER)
Also I’m like 98% sure that Janelle Monae is queer as a three dollar bill. That or a hyperfuturistic android sent from the year 3000 to save us all.
AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME LISTEN TO HER ALBUMS FOR THE 37493798473th TIME THIS WEEK AHHHHHHHHHHH LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME AUTOSTRADDLE
My wife DESPISES Tegan & Sara so much, so you’re not alone. I fluctuate between indulging from time to time (like cheesecake for breakfast) and being annoyed w/ myself for owning a few of their albums.
To the rest of you: Please don’t hit me or take my lez card back. I birthed a child with no drugs, too!
Jane Lynch will never do wrong and i have nothing but respect for people who wear trackies all day and insult people who use too much hair product.
Gay or not, I love Janelle Monae. Her music is incredible. Pretty sure she’s straight though…
This list is perfect, I agree with it wholeheartedly.
This list is awesome. High fives for including Ira Glass in an otherwise very girly/gay list. Although I must say my love for T&S has been fading a bit lately. Just a bit.
YES.
DR. HORRIBLE = NO WRONG.
love the tags on this one. xxo.
+1. Unfortunately for Dr. Horrible, that poor supervillain, he really can do no wrong.
I nominate Autostraddle itself for the list of those who can do no wrong. Seriously.
I second this motion!
As soon as I saw this list I thought TEGAN AND SARA! I really have not found a single fought with them. Even if you don;t like their music, which I didn;t at first, you can not deny that they are really cool, sweet, genuine, interesting, funny people. Also, you don;t have to be a lesbian to realize the awesomeness of Tegan and Sara.
And in my personal list of doing no wrong is Angelina Jolie. Even though many will disagree, they are irrelevant imo.
i love this list x1000000. tina fey also does no wrong.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT oh right watching alias nvm.
jennifer garner’s pretty hot, don’t lie.
agreed. also lily tomlin.
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i would argue that maddow’s hair may constitute a wrongdoing, but i can forgive it, because she’s rachel maddow, and can do no wrong.
good point re: lily tomlin.
i almost mentioned the maddow hair flip as a potential drawback, but then feared the wrath of a thousand readers who might be sporting similar hairdos, and then decided that rachel’s power to do no wrong in fact makes that haircut, on rachel maddow specifically, automatically acceptable.
I actually like her hair to be honest. It beats having long, blonde hair/looking like Hanson.
OK. So.
NPH = reason I ended up dating a (queer) man. we bonded over the fact he both want him endlessly. so much NPH
Ellen and Portia: Will you be my fairygaymothers?
Rachel Maddow, Jennifer Beals….let’s hang out.
NPH is the man of my dreams.
fabulous list, ladies! We are in total agreement about the above mentioned not-wrong-doing persons.
currently watching #10 on #6′s show! the drummer is wearing an aviator hat/goggles. amazing.
ALSO ellen just gave the entire audience tickets to lilith in LA.
Delurking to say YESSSSS to this list. Though, if I were to have a quibble, it would be that Rachel Maddow should be number one. Or at least number two; I understand the rules of Jane Lynch being the definition of doing no wrong. But, for that to be the case, Autostraddle would have had to have done wrong, which I actually don’t think is possible. But who knows if that assessment (that Autostraddle-can-do-no-wrong) is correct because it came from me, someone who disagreed with Autostraddle, so clearly I am capable of doing wrong. Right?
There isn’t one person on that list I wouldn’t donate a kidney to or steal a baby for. Not a one.
once i stole a baby’s kidney for portia derossi
GASP! You’re RUTHLESS!
I don’t think I can top that! All I’ve got is a coupon for Subway and a half used sheet of glitter-star stickers…
*looks around for a kitten or baby toy dog to throw in the celebrity gift basket*
… you win.
Rachel has, once again, cut to the heart of the matter as eloquently as is humanly possible.
Since this list can do no wrong, maybe they can do me instead.
iraglassiraglassiraglass. so great.
this is just a fabulous list!
O-that is perfect- I am an android.
i would also add shakira. she is a perfect human and only 5 feet tall too!
Much agreement, even on the people I don’t really know (Ira and Janelle) because I trust you guys.
Great list. I’d add Neko Case and Alison Sudol (A Fine Frenzy). oh and Regina Spektor.
I agree with you about everyone on this list. Especially Janelle Monae. That woman will forever hold the space for intergalatic funk in my heart!
I wonder if Jennifer Beals reads this? well, just in case, she should know that i think she should call me. or FB me. or marry me … i’m not picky.
I love love love Julie Goldman! She’s been great on the third season of The Big Gay Sketch Show which I have been watching like crazy on logo’s website.