Texting Your Ex-Girlfriend in Five Easy Steps

Sometimes you really need to text your ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t matter how long it has been, how bad your break-up was or the number of years since you both agreed to never speak again. Sometimes you just need to. And if you’ve already made the (possibly inadvisable!) decision to do so, then at least you can do it in the least life-damaging way possible. So here are five super easy steps to painlessly texting your ex.

Step 1: Maybe Don’t Text Your Ex

The first and most important step in texting your ex is to maybe not do it at all. Are you drunk? Are you sad? Do you just want attention? Are you trying to make someone else jealous? Most importantly, is there someone else you can contact about this issue other than your ex? Maybe an old mutual friend?

YOU CAN OFTEN GOOGLE WHAT YOU WANT TO ASK YOUR EX

As you can see, Option Three provides the only option in which you do not end up crying softly. While there are many times you might want to text your ex, it’s rare that you truly need to. “That song we both like came on the radio” is not a good reason to text your ex. “I just saw the Hangover 2 — remember that time we were hung over?” is not a good reason to text your ex. “Mrow” is not a good reason to text your ex. I’m not saying you shouldn’t text her for a valid, honest reasons — even a simple congratulations is appropriate when it’s due. Just avoid texting your ex for stupid reasons.

On the flip side, you may be in a situation in which you should really call. If your ex-girlfriend has recently lost a loved one it is much more appropriate to call or send a condolence card than a tacky text message. Alternatively if you very seriously (and not because you’re drunk/lonely/horny) want to get back together, those sort of steps are best initiated over the phone.

Also never text after 9:30pm because then she’ll think you’re drunk even if you aren’t.

Step 2: Don’t Mention You’re Not Speaking

If you haven’t spoken to or texted you ex-girlfriend in months/years/decades it might feel weird to just start saying words on your phone. Whatever you do, don’t lead with “I know we’re not speaking but…” This makes you sound petty and like you haven’t moved on. If you know you’re not speaking then why are you texting her?! (See Step 1.) A better idea is to start with “Hey.” “Hey” is the official start of any text to anyone who you don’t normally text. “Hey” makes you look nonchalant and cool like Fonzie.

EXCLAMATION POINTS HELP TOO

Still, particularly if your text is just a quick statement/congratulations, it might be best to forgo the “Hey” and just go for the awkward words from nowhere. In some ways this is even less awkward because it’s almost like you’re just totally normal acquaintance/friends who don’t even have to go through bizarre ex-girlfriend niceties.

Step 3: Get to the Point

You’re texting your ex for a very specific reason (ahem Step 1) so get on with it already. You should preferably make your point in the first text message. This isn’t being rude, it’s just normal texting. If you hem and haw for too long your ex might get the wrong message and respond accordingly. You don’t need to be rude or curt, just to the point. You’re a busy woman and I’m sure your ex is too so there’s no need to waste anyone’s time.

I NEED THE SLEEPING BAG FOR A-CAMP

Getting to the point leave no room for uncertainty or grey area and prevents you from getting sucked in to an awful long texting conversation.

Step 4: Avoid Relationship Talk

Whatever you do, don’t get sucked back in to your old relationship. First of all, don’t talk about your relationship. Not the good parts, not the bad parts, not even things you did together. For the love of G-d don’t talk about how your ex-girlfriend “always does this.” It is neither helpful towards starting over with someone nor moving on.

Second, don’t text like you are still in your relationship. Don’t use quirky old pet names or baby-talk text. Avoid emoticons at all cost. You are now two adults who are communicating via a message made up of text. No one needs to write out kitten noises.

Finally, don’t mention your new relationship situation. Even if you would love nothing better than to announce to everyone you meet that you did indeed find someone who would karaoke “Love You Like a Love Song” with you, this is not the time. You would almost definitely be mentioning your new girl just to see your ex’s reaction and that’s not fair to anyone (including but not limited to your new girlfriend). Similarly, don’t ask if she’s seeing anyone. You probably don’t want to know anyways and you can always ask her friends.

THERE ARE NO GOOD OPTIONS HERE. YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T SHOW YOUR FACE IN OHIO ANYMORE EITHER

Talking about old/new relationships takes all the tact you have inside of you and texting removes all possible tact. Don’t get in to relationship talk, please don’t do it, I think it’s a bad idea, I’m warning you right now, really I have your back on this one. Don’t do it.

Step 5: Quit While You’re Ahead

If you managed to get through texting your ex-girlfriend unscathed, then just stop. Did you congratulate her on graduating and she said “Thank you?” Okay, stop. Did she confirm that, yes, that was her old friend from circus camp you ran into? Okay, stop. Did she not respond to your text message whatsoever? Okay, stop. You just have to stop texting before someone makes a fool of themselves (especially you).

SOMETIMES THE BEST THING TO SAY IS NOTHING

I’m going to level with you: this is really hard for me. This is hard for a lot of people! You get the ball rolling, you’re talking about yourselves and where you are now and then all of a sudden you’re curious if they want to get a drink and catch up. Disaster.

So remember: play it cool, keep it short and maybe (just maybe) don’t do it at all.

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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 267 articles for us.

116 Comments

  1. Thumb up 5

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    Also, if your ex has a common name, it’s a good idea to change her name in your phone. Texting her instead of a friend with the same name can lead to some really awkward situations. Not that I know from experience or anything.

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      This! Where were you after my last (very ugly) breakup when I texted my ex, whose name starts with the same letter as my best friend, pictures of the kitten my new girlfriend got me?! Not to mention all the gushing about how amazing she is that went along with said kitten pics. Might I just say the response was less than civil. Really could’ve used this bit of advice!

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      After a breakup (or fight when I’m still pissy), I just change the name to “Nonononononononono” or “Don’t. Stop.” or “Don’t you dare” or something else to remind me that I definitely should not be texting this person. I block them on FB and chat until I feel like I can deal. It is helpful. I don’t like to lose my temper or have emotional scenes. I prefer to be a robot. A sex robot.

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        Definitely this. I have a couple people labeled as “DO NOT PICK UP.” My phone gets a lot of wrong numbers thanks to being a similar number to the local SPCA, so I pick up if I don’t recognize the number itself so I can reroute people. I would never want that person to be a surprise ex, ew….

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      If it’s an ugly break up, I just delete her from my phone. My phone has a nasty habit of randomly resending old texts when it boots up. So I’ve texted exes without even sending a text. In general, I find just removing her from the phone solves a lot of problems.

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      As someone who’s been on the other side of this situation, this is a great idea. No one wants to get flirty texts from an ex she’s not over when those texts are meant for someone else. It fukkin sucks.

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      So true! I wouldn’t call this one girl an ex girlfriend but she’s kinda one and because of Tegan and Sara’s song Bad Idea I’ve changed her name to Bad Idea so I constantly remind myself not to text her when I’m drunk or therefore seeking attention.

  2. Thumb up 1

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    ‘Avoiding Relationship Talk’ is the best advice ever. Went down that road with my ex the whole time since we broke up e.g X has a new album out, remember how much fun that concert was. We met up before I’d moved on to discover she had. So many lesbians I know are friends with their exes and it’s all good, glad to know I’m not the only one out there incapable of it

  3. Thumb up 1

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    My ex once texted me: “You’ll never find anyone else like me again” My first thought was I fucking hope not! I didn’t want you so why would I want anyone LIKE YOU? So yeah..nothing good can come of texting your ex..

  4. Thumb up 1

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    What’s the protocol for when your ex, whom you haven’t spoken to in months, feels the need to text you and let you know you will not be invited to her upcoming wedding–to a man? Umm, it would’ve been more awkward to actually get invited I think.

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      thanks to ASHRA spells, your spell worked within 48hours Just as you promised,my ex called me in the middle of the night pleading for me to forgive him, I am now reunited with the person I love. I am happier than I’ve ever been as I can now look to an amazing future with thought I’d lost for good.

      Thank you ashra,you can contact ASHRA on personal emaill address on :[email protected] or +2348131134346

      Todd, Derby England UK

  5. Thumb up 1

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    “You can often google what you want to text your ex”
    (But google won’t tell me the answer like she would. . .)

    FUCK

    No sleeping bag is worth the next ten hours of shame drinks, subsequent shame hangover and inevitable shame-i-told-my-best-friend-and-now-I’m-crying-at-Starbucks-confession

  6. Thumb up 4

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    I LOVE SPECIFIC EXAMPLES THEY ENHANCE MY COMPREHENSION

    My ex-gf texted me today asking if she could stay with me (at my parents house?) while in town next weekend.
    I said HELL TO THE NO GURL (in more polite terms).

    I wish I could send myself a congratulations text, that’s how proud I am.

  7. Thumb up 2

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    Currently breaking pretty much all of these rules. Trying to stay friends after she moved to another country was possibly not the smartest move I’ve made. Unfortunately, this communication is also happening on facebook, which opens a whole can of other worms, the biggest, grossest, most gut-wrenching-if-eaten being the fact that all previous messages are stored IN THE SAME FUCKING CONVERSATION. One unfortunate click, and it’s all there in front of you. This made me realize I’m an idiot. Goodnight.

  8. Thumb up 0

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    NO EMOTICONS!!! I totally agree. I asked a simple question to my ex once and put a smiley face at the end because I wanted it to be light-hearted and nice sounding but NOOOOOOOO… the smiley face said WAY
    more than I thought even possible.

    “I thought since you put a smiley face in your text message that this meant we could open up our communication.”

    NO WAY!! Damn emoticons.

    I had to deal with an outpouring of pent up emotions and then got called a “bitch rolled up in chocolate and covered in a colorful candy coated shell.”

    Best insult ever… but the text got totally way off base from my original intention.

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      It is very interesting. I put a smiley face at the end of my e-mail message. He called the next day and we met after 2.5 years of no contact. He suggested to be friends. Nex time I e-mailed him and closed with “hugs”. He was suppose to call me 6 weeks ago..but has not… Any ideas? Was it too much? Now I am thinking what to do next.

  9. Thumb up 1

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    Seriously I can’t with AS sometimes, this was just too funny and real!

    I remember an ex texted me a naughty lingerie pic of herself and was like, “miss this?” I thought she might have texted that pic to the wrong person (me) but no she knew my weakness for garter belts and thigh high silk stockings. It was a trap a sexy sexy trap. A trap I fell into and feared I would never get back out.

    I wish I had this article then but nooooo…..I suffered *more* 3 weeks of pain, confusion, processing overloads, and more confusion.

    I learned to not date people who I am too sexually compatible with but fail miserably with everything else. Balance is key.

  10. Thumb up 0

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    Balance is key, but I haven’t ever had an ex who didn’t lack a flair for drama. Having ATT, I can’t block anyone to save my life. I’d love to have had sent this to my exes and myself at least a few times in my life. This is the most entertaining AS article yet that has hit close to home.

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    “Like anybody would be, I was very skeptical about using a love spell but I was absolutely shocked when my lawyer called me after I had ASHRA cast the spell for me. That my husband wants to drop the divorce papers and he wants to come home again, It wasn’t 48 hours that I had my love spell cast that he called me. I could not believe it, just months ago my world was crashing on me and now I am happy with my husband and my kids. Thank you ASHRA SPELL TEMPLE you can also contact ashra on email address : [email protected] or call his personal mobile number +2348131134346
    Dorothy Rodriquez, NY

  12. Thumb up 0

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    This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where this man Dr Zara have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: [email protected]

  13. Thumb up 0

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    My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is [email protected] so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 3days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me,once again his email is [email protected]

  14. Thumb up 0

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    i am mrs matilda morgan from USA, i want to
    share a testimony of my life to every one. i was
    married to my husband george morgan, i love
    him so much we have been married for 5 years
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    who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to
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    After three day my husband called and told me
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    contact ogunbo on any
    problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his
    contact [email protected]

  15. Thumb up 0

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    I have mixed feelings about texting exes. I generally try to avoid it, and if I have something I really need to say to them I do it over Facebook. (I go on Facebook less often than I check my messages, and therefore it helps me not obsess over what they might respond with.)

    I think it helps too that for the most part I am friends with my exes, which makes communication easier.

    Interestingly, I’m not the ex who does the texting; that falls to the person I most recently ended it with.

  16. Thumb up 0

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    Hi everyone i will never forget the help the Mother Esango Shrine render to me in my marital life. i have been married for 4 years now and my husband and i love each other very dearly . after 3 years of our marriage my husband suddenly change he was having an affair with a lady outside,i notice it then i was praying for divine intervention the thing became more serious i told my pastor about it we prayed but nothing happen. my husband just came home one day he pick up his things and left me and the kids to his mistress outside at this time i was confuse not knowing what to do again because i have lost my husband and my marriage too. i was just checking my mails in the office when i saw someone sharing her testimony on how the Mother Esango help her out with her marital problems so i contacted the email of Mother Esango. I told her my problem and i was told to be calm that i have come to the right place that i should fill some information concerning my self i did after some time she called me again congratulating me that my problems will be solve within 13days. She told me what went wrong with my husband and how it happen. that they will restored my marriage but i will make a free donation to their Shrine anything my heart told me. to my greatest surprise my husband came to my office begging me on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him i quickly ask him up that i have forgiven him.friends your case is not too hard why don’t you give Mother Esango a try she powewerful and kind. i know she will also bring back your husband. i promise to keep sharing her good work any time i’m on the internet. when ever i come accros a forum like this, i always share the testimony. contact her via [email protected] or visit her website http://www.esangoshrine.webs.com

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