American Music Awards Happened, Adam Lambert Didn’t Make Out With Anyone

Well, last year at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert and his special friend Tommy swapped spit onstage and everyone died. That’s why this year nobody was alive to watch or care about the American Music Awards, which happened last night. Actually nobody who works here has a television or cable, more or less.

But luckily other people watched it, like the smartie cleverpants ivyboys of my second-favorite website, The Awl. These are my favorite parts of The Awl’s Liveblog:

8:02 p.m. Now, Rihanna is traveling through a kudzu field of glowsticks while wearing a bikini top that looks like it was crafted from dip-dyed dish towels while performing her version of Beyoncé’s interpretation of Axl Rose’s snake dance.

8:20 p.m. Stomp meets Jersey Shore meets my living room being about 95% brighter than it was before this performance started.

8:23 p.m. Oh, no, my bad, next up is Miley Cyrus’ homage to Alanis Morrissette Unplugged.

8:33 p.m. There is also the matter of the callback to Bobby Brown’s outfit from the “My Prerogative” video.

8:35 p.m. Oh great, everybody get excited for Taylor Swift to pull her “omg I’m really popular I can’t believe it” act out for the 23,405th time.

8:49 p.m. I like how Fergie is embracing the Peas’ “cover every demographic base” aesthetic with an outfit that incorporates Gaga’s cage, Katy’s cleavage, and Ke$ha’s muddy glitter.

9:06 p.m. Uh oh… here comes the gospel choir…

9:33 p.m. REMEMBER THE ’90S?????????

9:46 p.m. And now here’s Taylor Swift to be the buzzkill. And continue with the “people descending from the sky” motif.

9:47 p.m. At least Taylor’s set is inspired by the cover of Fall Out Boy’s Inifnity On High.

9:51 p.m. Important question: What is love?

9:52 p.m. Justin Bieber thanks Michael Jackson: “Without Michael Jackson, none of us would be here.” OK, so his geography misstep is a bit understandable, but come on.

10:17 p.m. Oh man, a Dove ad just broke out on stage!

10:56 p.m. I didn’t even like the New Kids when they were a “thing” but that synchronized crotch-grab? Ticket, purchased.

Sucked, right?

Anyhow we made a gallery.


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These are our observations:

1. New Kids On The Motherfucking Block Y’all

I expected to like this but ended up feeling sad for everyone. Receding hairlines. Also, I’m not 8 anymore.

2. The Death of Fashion

Fashion died tonight. No really it did. Pull out your stirrups and turtlenecks ladies, the game is over, and fashion lost. It’s dead on the floor, where Jada Pinkett-Smith, who is, btw, a total lesbian and you don’t have to believe me but trust me one day this will come out in the open and you will be like, oh JUST LIKE AUTOSTRADDLE SAID, anyhow where Jada found it, birthed it, BELTED IT, and then put it on top of an innocent child who she then escorted to an awards show while wearing Xena’s training bra and some crepe paper.

3. Here’s who won:

Favorite Soundtrack Album: Glee: The Music, Volume 3
Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Male Aritst: Eminem
Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album: Eminem, Recovery
Favorite Latin Music Artist:: Shakira
Favorite Country Female Artist: Taylor Fucking Swift
Favorite Country Band/Duo/Group: Lady Antebellum
Favorite Country Album: Carrie Underwood, Play On
Favorite Alternative Rock Music Artist: Muse
Favorite Soul/R&B Female Artist: Rihanna
Favorite Soul/R&B Male Artist: Usher
Favorite Soul/R&B Album: Usher, Raymond v. Raymond
Favorite Pop/Rock Female Artist: Lady Gaga
Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist: Justin Bieber
Favorite Pop/Rock Band/Duo/Group: Black Eyed Peas
Favorite Pop/Rock Album: Justin Bieber, My World 2.0
Favorite Breakthrough Artist: Justin Bieber
Favorite Artist of the Year: Justin Bieber

Avatar of Riese

Riese is the CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1680 articles for us.

67 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    LOL, the slideshow gallery is humorous, indeed the most humorous thing I’ve seen all morning,

    but I’ve been writing an art paper, so, congrats your witty beat my crappy analysis of a Jesus Christ painting, you makers of that slideshow might be the only persons to win that distinction thus far,

    is it bad that I did not even know the American Music Awards were even occurring, or am I pardoned for living in America’s hat

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    Brilliant stuff! Funny comments. Love the pic of Adam and spesh friend in the gallery. The most interesting pic of the bunch and a nice poke in the eye to the “powers that be/hate Adam”

    I think I like you straddle

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    I dont want to see AMA’s this year and never look again since Adam will be there for perform or nominated. This year he deserved to nominated but you know its the price he pay for some stupid peoples homophobian’s and they won before the much million peoples who continue to love him. He’s already international so for me its not intersting to see AMA’s this year.
    I prefer to see * True Hollywood Story* with Adam Lambert and forget AMA’S like all Adam’s fan’s see the same E Tv True Hollywood Story and I love it.

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    There isn’t anyone on this planet who can entertain like ADAM, he is a bloody SUPERSTAR! His vocals and stage presence are breathtaking beyond belief and he is one hell of a beautiful guy! Yes, its the AMAs loss big time, because the whole show, now as cornball as it is, will sink and stink without the genuis professionalism of The Master himself!

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    I watched E True Hollywood Story. An award’s show without Adam just is a letdown…….I am not dissing any of the talented people at the awards shows. There are some that really are. I want to be entertained and surprised. Thanks MUCH MUSIC for realizing Adam’s Talent. THEY ROCK! in Canada

  6. Thumb up 0

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    It was a totally boring evening. It shows a lack of substance when a kid like Beiber gets awards and the most talented singer and showman of this generation, Adam Fucking Lambert, does not get a nomination.

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    In a nutshell, the AMAs outright SUCKED this year. I mean let’s be honest. The lacked true star power. And during performances it became utterly obvious that without autotune, singers of today just don’t sound the same as they do on the radio….in fact, by golly, they really CAN’T SING ON KEY at all. Loved the pic of Adam Lambert in there…..haha…..they really would have spiced up the night. AMA’s should bring Adam back next year and WAKE everybody up. At least he can sing live and sound fantastic.

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    Didn’t watch the AMA’s this year. Heard Adam Lambert was not going to be on and watched his Hollywood story on E instead. His story was amazing, really interesting. Mr. Lambert should have been nominated for a few AMA’s and wasn’t. Scratching my head on that one. I would have loved to see him perform and blow everyone away. I heard Rhianna was half naked, Taylor sang off key again. Glad I missed that.

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      That is why none of my family, friends or others watched. They all naturally assumed Adam would be on, given his popularity and huge success. But, the dirty old men that run ABC and Dick Clark want to listen to homogenized, off-key “safe” non-talented individuals.

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    I watched both E and AMA. E was great. It was indeed an honest revelation of Adam’s endearing being and character.
    Quite disappointed with the AMA. Of cours it was a total let down not having Adam nominated. Then again, ADAM is beyond comparison to all the mediocre artists who performed on AMA. Not one of them even possess half of his talent. Adam is a league of his own….it’s actually a disgrace for Adam to have him be compared…..He’s beyond comparison!!!

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      I so totally agree. Adam is so superior to any of them. I know that. You know that. His fans know that. AMAs will go the way of Miss America –boring, boring, boring. Which is something Adam will never be.

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    Who qualifies for the AMAs anyway? Bieber’s a Canadian, Michael Bublé is Canadian, Muse were clearly not American but I don’t know what they actually are – British?

    I watched it while working on a paper, intermittently muting it when the off key howling got to be too much. Not the most boring awards show I’ve seen, but certainly not the best. I actually thought Bieber was kind of endearing when he won Artist of the Year, and he seems like a nice boy, even if he doesn’t really qualify as Artist of the Year type material imo.

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    Wow, fucking hilarious. Made me laugh out loud like a dipshit in music class. Adam shouldn’t even be compared to these talentless idiots. He’s in another stratosphere. I’d kinda be insulted if he were nominated in the same category as Beiber, Kesha, Taylor Swift, Rihanna…Adam Lambert is charisma personified. It’s due time we see him performing at another awards show. Until then, I’ll wait til Gaga performs to tune in. **YAWN**

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    I’m glad to be in Canada where Adam is one of our favourite artists and actually receives awards. It’s gonna be hysterical one day when ABC tries to kiss Adam’s ass and beg at his feet for forgiveness when everyone recognizes his genius. If I were him, I’d tell them to shove it up their ass!

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    Fun article (love the title), and I appreciate the awesome pic of Adam & Tommy. Like many, I was glad to have Adam’s ETHS to watch, instead of the AMAs. Sounds like we all did ourselves a favor.

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    I was another one that watched Adam’s THS instead of AMA. Hopefully, the grammies will get it right. Adam, has a huge fan base and is growing daily and until he is not dissed from any of these awards shows, I won’t be watching.

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    Dissed AMA watched E instead. Wonderful special of the one and only ADAM. He is STILL being treated unfairly. Adam is like a good drug that makes my life happier and that is priceless. How can you have a great show without THE TALENT.

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    Did not care.
    Same faces, same old, same old.
    Adam was not nominated, huge let down since he is the only one that can realy sing in these days but I guess time will tell about these so called “singers” and were they will be in the fuure.
    Very tired of J.B. and T.S. well, I could not care less for the awards this year, did not see them but I guess there will be a few more million magazines with J.B, face, good for him.

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    Haha – loved your coverage of this crapfest of an awards show. Here is a link to 12 minutes that is more entertaining than 3 hours of AMAs: Adam Lambert singing Jimi Hendrix & Led Zeppelin covers in Amsterdam a couple of days ago — toking, tonguing Tommy, and tearing it up vocally. Trust me: you’ll love it. Today’s auto-tuned pop stars just don’t compare to a real rock & roller like Adam Fucking Lambert:

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      If you watched E! True Hollywood Story last night instead of AMA, you didn’t miss anything. If you watched AMA instead of E! True Hollywood Story, you missed the whole lotta. JB won whut?????? LMFAO!

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    They sucked!! Truly they needed Adam Lambert and Gaga to just get some serious talent on the stage. Nobody there really had any vocal chops and serious talent – so the show won’t be taken serously.

    On the other hand, I did catch the True Hollywood show on Adam Lambert. Thumbs up!!

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    Looks like I didn’t miss anything by not tuning into the AMA’s I’ll never watch it again until Adam is at least nominated, and the only reason I watched it last year was to see Adam perform. I’ve never known such a brutal case of triple standards in all my life. America need to catch up with the rest of the world, they adore him in Europe and the U.K. are going to love him. Tickets in the U.K. were sold out within the first 24 hours they went on sale, what does that tell anyone.

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    LOL There do seem to be a lot of Adam fans dropping in. They must love you! I never expect much of awards shows but this one was particularly dull :) The sound system seemed to be on the blink – but I heard that’s pretty standard for the AMAs. I completely missed last years AMA – didn’t even notice it pass by – so I had to catch up on all the fun pearl-clutching moments months later (I know I’m really slow!!). Loved the comments on all the pics. :)

  21. Thumb up 0

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    I watched Adam Lambert on E….It was really good…The people who won on AMa is really awful, just seen some who won on a page I read…. …and I didn’t watch it….whatever Adam is on I will watch….He is a fabulous entertainer

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    I watched E Hollywood’s Adam Lambert show. the AMA’s have always been a boring auto tune. Only wathced last year to see Adam the rest I have interest in. I hate Rap and hip hop so why bother with the ama’s

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    Hard choice, AMA’s – E!THS Adam Lambert.
    Sorry, Adam won that one.
    Think Adam would have been too busy to attend anyway.
    Over 100 (and counting) sold out shows, on his
    Glamnation World Tour.
    Somehow think Adam’s already a winner, who needs AMA’s.

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    I wouldn’t even turn on my channel to the awards. This is the first year I missed them. I’m sure the kids were out in full force to see the Bieb and Swift. I would have enjoyed Bon Jovi and Pink. Bieber wins (not a surprise) and of course, Lambert gets no nominations, not even new artist. His E! True Hollywood Story was more fun to watch over and over. Skip all these bogus award shows and watch the Tony Awards to see some real singing.

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    Getting lost in all this Adam Lambert talk. O_o

    So back to the AMAs, it was boring as most awards shows inevitably turn out to be. I did think Pink was awesome. The others clearly do not have the chops to sing live. I have a soft spot for BSB and NKOTB so I kinda thought the closing number was awesome(ly bad). See you on tour!

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    I CAME HERE TO GLOAT. The AMAs were every bit as tired. boring, talentless as the hordes of Americans and others on ALL blogs on this subject are saying they were. I PERSONALLY DIDN’T WATCH. I don’t watch any program that discriminates against Gay/Lesbian/Transgender people. No one in my family is gay, but we can all tell you this. “We will defend with our lives their right to be who they are, and to love whomever they wish.” LAST YEAR, there were only 1,500 complaints over Adam Lambert’s AMA performance, as opposed to over 4 million concerning Janet Jacksons boob malfunction. We didn’t see Janet getting kicked off TV!!! Mind you, Adam’s detractors used this as an excuse, but that 1500 was a tiny percentage to the over 14 million who watched the AMAs that year!Dick Clark Productions is full of old men in diapers who are just pissed that Adam is gay and could take all their women if he wanted! Adam’s fans are spreading the word about this discrimination and amassing the Glam Nation Army! And we are gonna kick you old Dinosaurs where it counts. We are millions strong and ALL AGES, ALL GENDER, ALL RELIGIONS, ALL PREFERENCES.

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    Sooooo agree with Patti. Watched a little of Idol & there was no that was worth listening too. I have also stopped watching AMA. They can let the women kiss and make out on stage and its not a catastophe. Adam is being picked on by radio DJ’s too. I called in to request his song and the DJ asked me why I wasn’t prejuidice against him because he was gay. The other DJ’s on this station also got mad because I was calling in so much to request his songs that they told me they weren’t going to play it. People need to quit labeling people because of their sex life. Adam is a person that you just can’t help but love him and his voice. I can’t stop listening to him or checking the internet about him. Just love him soooooooooo. At least the other countries realize how great he is. Shame on the U.S. people for all your prejuidices and actually listen to him sing.

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    “All around me are familiar faces”… “worn out faces”…”going nowhere.” That is the AMAs theme song paraphrased by the song Mad World recently made popular again by none other than Adam Lambert. I loved the article and finally someone admitting that snubbing Adam Lambert because of last year’s show was a huge mistake. Adam Lambert has a huge following world wide and you can see that when they choose a show to watch on at the same time, the AMA’s rating goes straight to the toilet and in jeopardy of being cancelled altogether! By the way, can you tell I am also one of his devoted fans?

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    Loved the blog. Only one correction – Miley was totally attempting to be Stevie Nicks – lol! Why does that girl annoy me so much??? I also might add that when people like Justin Beiber get artist of the year, and walk away with a dozen other awards, and truly talented artists like Adam Lambert are not even nominated, these award shows lose all credibility!

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    Adam
    If You are a breath of fresh air in a smog of performes, Tried to see you in UK but ticketmesters GET ME IN messed it up. Paid for Birmingham but,like the airlines they overbooked and I was bombed out despite having my money taken from my credit card. Keep going Adam in whichever way you choose.
    Gutted of Cambridge

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