You should get that looked at.
Hanna kisses Buzzcut. Ashley walks in. Ashley is pretty much the best in this episode. I like her. Buzzcut has a lipstick mark on his neck, like a perfect lip imprint, which makes me think that Hanna is a weird person to make out with. Who pecks someone’s neck like that? No smudge? For real real? Ashley calls Hanna out on her self-destructive behavior – it’s about damn time – and Hanna gets defensive about it being her broken heart. Man, teen angst, amirite?
How does a realtor get on the Board of Trustees here?
Remember that Toby storyline that’s been going on in this episode? Me either. But it finally got interesting! Turns out, Jessica Dilaurentis is on the Board of Trustees at Radley Sanitarium. This explains Peter Hasting’s sketchiness! He’s just trying to cover up the mother of his illegitimate son! Of course!
But how can you resist when I casually flex like this?
Aria goes to return Jake the necklace he gave her, and he tells her what he saw with Ezra, totally figures out that Ezra is a bad dude AND suggests that maybe Ezra is the one Aria was afraid of all this time. You guys. Jake isn’t even a main character and he just solved this entire show. Mic drop.
The Lady Equivalent of a shooting range.
In a weird aside, Ashley takes Hanna to a plate smashing place. Yes, you read that right, Cracked Up is for people who want to throw plates against the wall. It’s a really niche market, apparently. I wonder if they have regulars. As I watched this with my sister, we couldn’t even believe this scene was happening.
Sister: Okay, so basically this is –
Me: A shooting range for women?
Sister: It’s the closest thing to a shooting range that ABC Family would allow on air. Oh my gosh, they’re wearing safety glasses!
All I wanted out of this scene was a bonding montage with a catchy pop song in the background.
Unfortunately, we are stolen from this moment in order to go to an Ezra and Aria scene.
Not even a real magazine.
First, what is Zyzel Magazine? Why does that seem like the weirdest product placement ever? It’s not even a real magazine. But there’s got to be clues on it, right? Here’s the cover up close:
via Elance
Hmmm. So. Aria confronts Ezra, Ezra gets Creepy Face.
Brb, need to moodily stare off into the corner for a second, as I do three times per episode as stated in my contract.
He spins the story about him yelling at CeCe Drake a mysterious blonde woman in a car. He says the woman in the car is Maggie’s lawyer, because he’s trying to get paternity rights of some sort despite having zero paternity rights in this instance.
You gonna buy this terrible story? Probably? Okay, good.
This turns into a strange bonding moment and Aria buys it, and they make out. Oh surprise, they’re making out again, like they do for 30% of all PLL episodes. But we’ve gotten what, one Paige/Emily makeout? And Paige isn’t a creepy murderer. Just saying.
Speaking of Paige, where the fuck is Paige?
This can’t possibly go badly.
Speaking of girls Paige has dated, here’s Shana and Emily together in a car driving to an abandoned warehouse! This surely won’t end in someone dying at all! Before I could even say, “I bet Shana is going to drive off,” there she goes.
You’re not going to wait out here while I go into this dark, abandoned warehouse alone?
Things you can’t run from murders while wearing: Exhibit A.
I’m glad Emily wore her running shoes, just in case. Oh wait, no, she wore twelve inch heels, oh okay, that seems reasonable.
I bet she’s not even a real blonde–wait, she’s right behind me, isn’t she?
IT’S ALI. They hug. I feel emotional for a moment.
via Tumblr
But before I start crying, Ali gets weird and manipulative. So it must be Ali, since she’s weird and manipulative. She tells Emily not to trust the other girls, which is very obviously a play to separate Emily from the group. Ali begs Emily to help her find A so she can “come home.”
The script here reads, “Ali has a completely unreadable expression.”
I fucking hate magic tricks.
Spence breaks up the reunion and Ali books it into an elevator, where she pulls a David Blaine and disappears into thin air.
But Aria said it was okay to match my scarf to my shirt! What do you mean it’s a weird combination?
Caption this contest, and go!
Instead of rationally thinking, “Ali manipulates us,” Emily flips out on Spencer while Spencer tries to explain that Ali is just trying to divide them again. It’s been said time and time again that Emily is the weak link, she’s almost always the one to be manipulated away from the others. But let’s never learn from our mistakes, okay? Or else this show would end pretty quickly. I bet we could squeeze like four more seasons out of this.
It’s fine, I’m fine. It’s just really dusty in here and I have allergies, so.
Let’s not swell on our dead friend reappearing and hugging us and begging us for help, we’ve got a Toby storyline to act like we care about! He says he signed the gag agreement and is really creepy and vague, which can ONLY mean that Toby’s hiding something. Oh good, another secret. I didn’t think we had enough of dishonesty in this show.
Toby wasn’t joking, it IS totally dusty in here.
Toby’s mad, Spencer cries. Cue dramatic Women-Being-Upset montage/starsweep.
I’m so glad I had those tequila shots. This was such a good idea.
We land on Hanna, who is drunk dialing Caleb all like “Hey baby, it’s late, you free?” Sike. It’s more along the lines of, “I am super sad we broke up, but dating you was the best year of my life,” which is saying something when you’re seventeen, I guess.
I saw Jay-Z and Beyonce when I was at Babeland buying us this new lube!
This is not a sexual euphemism, nuh uh, no way.
But before we can care too much about a couple I actually liked/cared about, back to a couple I’d like to nominate for the “Totally Unlikely To Be Together IRL” award. Aria has just baked a cake, as one does, and Ezra walks back in with some whipped cream to spread all over her body and lick off. Oh damn, it’s for the cake.
Again, nothing sexual about this scene, thanks.
Cue whipped cream on the upper lip thing. ABC Family sure can do cliche situations like only Lifetime has done before.
Kevin Bacon was totally onto something with this rage dancing!
How does this even scientifically work? What are those knives stuck into? How did Ezra know this exact spot was where he would kick? Or are the knives ALL OVER the bag and how long did that take?!
WAIT SURPRISE HE WASN’T REALLY GETTING WHIPPED CREAM HE WAS BEING A BAD PERSON BET YOU WEREN’T READY FOR THAT. Jake kicks his favorite old bag in a punch-dancing scene ripped straight out of Footloose only to find that there are knives in the bag! What the fuck, you guys? When did Ezra get so obviously evil?
Uhhhhh wait. Shana has a locker at school? Why do we never see her at school? Am I just spacing on that?
In the ending A scene, we watch A bust open Shana’s locker, taking a look at The Tempest, which we also saw in Hanna’s bag last episode. There’s always something with the literature in here, any theories on that inclusion? Anyway, A tears up a picture of Ali and Shana and burns Shana’s half in some overexaggerated foreshadowing.
So. What did we learn? Let’s see:
Shana knew Ali since they were little.
Ezra was yelling at a blonde woman.
Jessica Dilaurentis is on the Board of Trustees of Radley Sanitorium.
Ali is legitimately alive and terrified of someone and Emily might still be in love with her?
I think this just ends up with about fifty more questions, including:
Is Shana good or working for A?
Is Ezra A? Because at this point it’s just way too obvious. Being blackmailed?
What’s in Toby’s mom’s background?
How does one get on the Board of Trustees for a Sanitarium?
Buzzcut: good or bad?
Did Ali really love Emily?
Ali: good or bad?
Nope, nothing suspicious about this side eye.
Tune in next week for more of the show Forever Intern Grace explains as, “amazing because it feels like so much is happening but somehow the plot never moves forward at all.”
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Text to my girlfriend as we watched together Tuesday night: “I think Lisa Frank designed Aria’s dress.” I feel so validated that you mentioned it here.
Also, I feel like Aria usually changes outfits approximately 4 times a day in this show, but in every scene, she was still wearing that godawful dress.
Caption contest, cause I just had to hahaha…. “So, I borrowed your anal beads. There’s no need to get weird about it!”
Thoughts on The Tempest:
– Two of the main characters in The Tempest are Ariel and Miranda.
– The actress who plays Shana is named Aeriel Miranda.
– So the inclusion of The Tempest last week was a clue that something was up with Shana, as was it’s inclusion this week.
Also re: Shana. She explained that she only dated Paige and Jenna (and possibly Mona too? Too many lesbians to keep track of!) just as a way of getting close to the people Ali suspected of being A and out to hurt her. I’m guessing she moved on from Paige after figuring out Paige wasn’t A, and she was with Jenna longer because it was harder to figure out.
Whether or not Shana is evil depends on whether or not ALI is evil, which is still so impossible to know for sure. I’m pretty sure Ali is genuinely afraid for her life, but the question is, what steps has she taken, and how has she hurt and manipulated her best friends, in the pursuit of the person who wants to kill her? Because Ali is not one to take adversity lying down. She’s not just running, she is fighting back. For sure. And most interestingly, Ali said in this episode that she THOUGHT she knew who A was, but she was apparently WRONG. So for the last 4 seasons, Ali thought A was ONE person, but it was actually someone else!? And are those two people working together!? Gahhhh who the fuck knows.
That Tempest clue is genius. Pure genius.
Caption competition
Entry 1: “Mentos?”
Entry 2: “Only just found the site ‘fanfiction.com'”
I hate that Emily is always a slave to FEELINGS! I feel like she makes the worst FEELINGS decisions. I’d say the next weakest link is Hanna because she does things like trying to bury guns.