I’m Sorry But You Still Can’t Have These Marshmallows

When you woke up this morning you were probs thinking, “This day seems hella promising and all, but you know what’s missing? Marshmallows that look like cats peering out from my hot chocolate.” And then I bet your face fell a little and your girlfriend boo bear babydoll was like, “Bay-abe, whatsamatter?” You wanted to spare her any unnecessary despair so you just plastered on that brave face and pretended you were ok, which was so thoughtful of you and really, you’re nothing if not thoughtful.

But you weren’t ok.

You weren’t and you aren’t, because you still — even now in this very moment and even though this has been going on for well over three years — exist in a space without marshmallows that look like cats peering out from your hot chocolate, and you’ll continue to live in that space because you can’t move to Japan, where those lucky bastards have THIS:

kitten marshmallows

Sweet lord have mercy. Cafe Cat Marshmallows.

Now I know you’re trying to stop yourself from falling into the old trap of What Did I Ever Do To Deserve Such a Shitting Upon??!, but I say go ahead and fall. Go ahead and let yourself feel pity for yourself, because this is a harsh fucking reality, and you have indeed been shat upon. You can’t have these marshmallows. Not today and not tomorrow. They’re only barely available in Japan and based on reader surveys and my innate ability to generalize, you don’t live in Japan. Yes what did you ever do to deserve such a shitting upon, friend?

Perhaps one day, when your heart is at its purest and your intentions at their most worthy, you’ll find yourself face to face with a marshmallow that looks like a cat peering out from your hot chocolate. Not today, but maybe someday. Until then you should probably just figure out how to make your own because these things have been floating around (HA) for a few years now and still aren’t available in this sad, pathetic, Not Japan place.

While you’re sitting around feeling sorry for your pathetic marshmallow-cat-less soul, you might as well know that you also can’t have any Bacon Mustard Doritos today. Or any day.

I’m so sorry. We’ll find a way to get through this together. Maybe you could try to make your own kitty paw marshmallows?

SIGH.

P.S. No, now isn’t the time to bring up Kinder Eggs. You know how you get when you think about Kinder Eggs.

P.S.S. Wait, maybe you can. You should probably send Britta an edible arrangement.

Profile photo of Laneia Nicole

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and she thinks you're fucking rad. She's 33, has two kids, two dogs, one Megan, some personal essays and a lot of emails in her inbox.

Laneia Nicole has written 351 articles for us.

60 Comments

  1. Thumb up 12

    Please log in to vote

    I hope somebody who lives in Japan reads this and posts a picture of themselves with a cafe cat marshmallow

    i also hope that everyone everywhere reads this, in general

    • Thumb up 12

      Please log in to vote

      OMG! I’m often feeling sad that I am in Japan and thus faraway from exciting AS events and a very visible queer community (though 3000+ people showed up last weekend for the Rainbow Pride parade! This is serious progress–go, Tokyo!).

      This is some solace. I am totally ordering those kitties and will dedicate them to all of you.

        • Thumb up 3

          Please log in to vote

          I was in Tokyo up until last month, but moved to Osaka at the beginning of April. Actually, I considered trying to put together a couple of AS get-togethers while I was in Tokyo but chickened out cause I thought nobody would show but me and my gf.

          But anyways, an idea: maybe we could put together like a Autostraddlers-in-Japan facebook page or something like that and just see if we can build a little community? what do y’all think?

  2. Thumb up 13

    Please log in to vote

    coming soon to the autostraddle merch store!

    you guys could totally make these marshmallows a reality! i believe in you. with all the crafting y’all do? didnt someone on this website once teach us how to make underpants from an old shirt and a paper bag? i mean come on. you got this.

  3. Thumb up 5

    Please log in to vote

    Ok so I’m bringing up kinder eggs because I am so willing to post you them from here in grey miserable England, where they are the only joy in a marshmallow cat-less life, but I think customs would just x-ray the box and I’d get banned from the US and never be able to come to A camp, which is frankly a major life ambition. I achieved 2 of my others recently so I’m hopeful, granted one of them was to be able to use the damn Uni photocopier..

    • Thumb up 1

      Please log in to vote

      Nooo! It’s totally fine to send chocolate, you just have to write it on that little tiny declaration form they stick on the envelope. And Kinder eggs would cost pennies to send because they are as light as air, on account of being made out of it.

      (This claim to knowledge of customs is based on carrying things on my person rather than posting them, but I can’t imagine the law would be different.)

  4. Thumb up 1

    Please log in to vote

    Ok ok, as a girl totally living in a Is Japan Place, I sympathize with your not-eating-cute-kitty-cat marshmallows predicament.

    That having been said! I have to point out two things that are completely missing from this Is Japan Place:

    1) My favorite pickles… seriously, I went as far as contacting the company and also trying to get my favorite supermarket to import them for me…. no luck :(

    2) My beloved and not-at-all-marshmallow but actually very real cat Zinfandel.

    Please somebody bring me my kitty??? I miss her.

  5. Thumb up 4

    Please log in to vote

    I am one of those weird breeds of gaymos that don’t like cats (PLEASE DON’T BURN ME AT THE STAKE I BEG OF YOU!?!?)but as I sat here in a non-Japan place and read this article I questioned my whole life and lack of cat marshmallows and wondered if all those times I stared off into queer-space and my girlfriend asked “what’s wrong Sugar-tits” (well, maybe that nickname was added in later), it was really all because I don’t have these in my life… I guess I’ll never know…

  6. Thumb up 5

    Please log in to vote

    I read the title and was all “Pff, marshmallows are disgusting”, and then I saw the marshmallows in question, and now there are marshmallows in the world that I want but I don’t want to want and I can’t have even if I did want to want them. Bitches.

  7. Thumb up 1

    Please log in to vote

    when i move away from ohio at the end of this month, one of my regrets is that i will no longer be a short drive from jungle jim’s, where i can get kinder eggs and mozart balls and pocky and pretz and halvah and random root beers all in one place. i bet they could get those marshmallows. i feel one last trip coming on…

    • Thumb up 1

      Please log in to vote

      I second this immensely, I ended up on a rampage for sugary goodness the other night, and I got all excited because they had sugar free/gluten free/everything else except gelatine free marshmallows but no veg marshmallows! I have so many feelings about the fact that tasty snacks are often sugar free/fat free/gluten free etc but still contain animal products :(

  8. Thumb up 1

    Please log in to vote

    Am I the only person who wouldn’t want these because watching the adorable little kitty melt would make me cry? I was the child who couldn’t bear to eat the jelly rabbit either even though I made my grandpa make it every Sunday.

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.