EVERYONE IS GAY:
A new study released this morning revealed that everyone is gay. When judged on a six-by-nine-point sliding scale mixing Marxist & Kinseyan techniques and analyzed against evidence from several longitudinal studies, Dr. Janet Jameson stated, “I always had a feeling about Ellen Page.”
“I told you my Mom was gay,” said an Intern. “Nice infographics,” she added.
Reactions from around the web:
+ Queerty: Hey Obama, If Everyone is Gay, Does That Mean Everyone isn’t Straight?: And how Obama and Joe Solomnese knew before you did.
+ ONTD: This is a Zac Efron Post
+ Zap2it: Everyone Has a Lesbian Lover: Hot Lesbian Fling Confession from Reality Star: “Everyone told an unnamed source today that everyone and their same-sex best friend were seen ‘canoodling’ at hot West Hollywood nightclub BEAVERBLASTER. “They’ve been intimate for a long time,’ said a close friend. ‘Like a really long time’.”
+ Perez Hilton: Anderson Cooper and His Butt-Buddy OUT OUT OUT!
+ Dorothy Snarker has a special “Everyone is Gay Day” version of Straight Girls Acting Like Gay Girls Tribute to Tank Tops.
+ Grace Goldstien at Grace the Spot has Stuff Everyone Likes: Lesbians.
+ Jezebel: Can Women’s Mags Survive Without Straight Men? “We know women airbrush women for the sake of other women, but without 50 New Ways to Blow His Mind via His Scrotum, will Cosmo finally land itself in the magazine graveyard? And will the land left behind by that bonfire of Clinique Happy samples oozing from Cosmo’s cum-soaked pages be liveable?”
+ Afterellen has published four gigantic photographs on the same page, accompanied by three short sentences and a link at the bottom to pages 2-4.
+ YourTango: We Don’t Really Know What To Talk About Now
+ Curve Magazine, cover story: “HELLO LADIES”
+ SheWired: Jill Bennett & Cathy DeBouno will be livecasting on the topic “Everyone is Gay” some time between now and 8 or 9 PM, Eastern or Pacific time, next Thursday-ish. Jill will be wearing a tank top. So just sit in front of your computer and wait for it.
+ HuffPo: GAY AGENDA WINS
So ladies, let’s get back to talking about you and your feelings, and other things we think are funny. mememememe. youyouyouyou. Do you think everyone is gay? Is this good science, bad science, or WEIRD SCIENCE? Will this change your relationship with your parents? Now that you can have any woman you want, how’s your default girlfriend lookin’? Are you gonna call your straight best friend now that you know she’s not straight? Is your ex-boyfriend making weird jokes about buttsex that seem slightly homophobic? GLAAD ALERT! (@huffpo)
A lesbian was appointed to head of the Spring Walk-a-thon committee at a small school in the middle of Nebraska. This is the first time a deaf, Asian-American female lezzy lezzz lezbian has been assigned to a sub-leadership in a Greater Lincoln Area Township municipal educational elementary school party planning committee. But since everyone is gay now, it really doesn’t matter. (@nowhereseville)
Late last night, your ex-girlfriend told Nerve.com, “She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy without her. My new girlfriend is bad at fingerblasting and she’s always like, Oh, the internet just isn’t my thing to make me feel bad about being on it. Like right now, she just said it. GOD I hate it when she does this! GOD!!” (@nerve)
Ke$ha’s Singing is “Awesome,” Taio Cruz says. (@mtv news)
Constance McMillen has decided not to go to prom. When asked for comment, Constance replied, “I just didn’t feel like it.” Constance and her girlfriend say they plan to rent Saving Face, a recommendation from a close friend, and have Breakfast for Dinner. (@latimes)
WANNA WORK FOR US?
Yeah you do! You must have a unique voice, heaps of free time, and a slavish devotion to lofty ideals. Please send a resumè, three story ideas, and a letter explaining why the hell you want to do this to sarah and/or green at autostraddle dot com and we’ll get back to you by Labor Day.
The last thing we need is another white girl from Long Island or a similar state/country, so if that describes you and you’re still going to apply anyhow, the following stricter conditions apply:
- Personality that pops right off the page into our m*therfucking mouths
- You know HTML maybe even better than english
- Your spelling skills exceed our ‘editor’-in-chief’s by at least 75%
- You have no pre-existing conditions which might make you prone to failing out of school, having a mental breakdown or sending us completed articles as Microsoft Word attachments.***
(*** This only applies to people who have already been working for us for several months who, against orders, send us articles in word attachments instead of putting it into wordpress or a text-edit document in HTML, not to applicants or friends or anyone else)
- You should be free of any sort of social anxiety which may prevent you from calling a famous person or a famous person’s intern.
- The idea of e-mailing a stranger should not give you hives, sweats, or require time in excess of 20 minutes or consuming more than two illegal substances at the same time.
Also though you can try emailing Taylor, she’s still really earnest about it so your chances are better that way. (@autostraddle)
GLEE, GLAMBERT, GAGA, LINDSAY LOHAN:
Nothing. Where are these guys? I feel like no one puts baby powder in their shoes anymore these days. I hear Obama is guesting on Glee. They’re gonna do God Bless America on crutches. Though I guess now that everyone is gay, maybe Glee will seem repetitive.
JK, THIS JUST IN – ADAM LAMBERT:
Justin Bieber and Adam Lambert will be headlining a music festival called “Wango Tango.” Actually, this one is also real. (@allhealdinenews)
We’re all going to Dinah Shore tomorrow. There will be a liveblog. Like most of the people that work here? Riese, Alex, Laneia, Sarah, Tess, Brooke, Taylor, Jess, Nat and Kelsey will all be in Palm Springs, California, where we’ll be live-blogging via our temporary editor-in-chief, Rachel, who was actually an intern until a few weeks ago. The fact that we are all going to Dinah Shore probably seems like the biggest joke of all the jokes in this daily fix, b/c we are not like super “social” people. But no, it’s real! We’re really going! Waa!
Brooke is defo going to make me delete this in the morning! Tally-ho!