Welcome to the eighth episode of American Horror Story, which made me laugh so hard I died and had to be resurrected by Misty Day multiple times, thus greatly lowering the stakes of my personal narrative.
This week’s vocab word is: blurge, a combination of “blerg” and “purge”. This episode is ALL about purging, y’all. It is also all about vagina jokes and hats aka my wheelhouse. This might be my favorite episode so far.
We open in the grim underbelly of New Orleans highway overpasses. Queenie is wandering around the underpass, where she passes rats, hobos, meth camps, and Adam from Girls.
A creepy hobo approaches her with a hammer and an exposed penis, ready to rape it up. Why is everyone so quick to rape on this show? It’s like, their go-to action. Which is bullshit, because we all know the go-to action of all New Orlineans is punching people in the neck for the good Mardi Gras beads. We have some class, gosh!
Luckily, Queenie finds the oldest weapon known to man, a wooden two-by-four with some nails sticking out. She stabs herself in the hand, causing the creepy hobo to bleed, and then whacks him with the stick.
While Queenie beats the shit out of this guy, Madison and Zoe show up like they’re the wonder twins or something. If you are wondering whether they’ll be addressing the zombie threesome they had in the last episode and any lingering ramifications it might have, don’t worry, they won’t!
I would like to point out that Madison is wearing a sequined beret in this scene. These girls love their hats.
They ask Queenie why she’s murdering the hobo, and Queenie says it’s a voodoo thing and they wouldn’t understand. They try to get her back to the coven, but she tells them to fuck off, she’s sitting at Marie Laveau’s table in the cafeteria now.
Madison is all, boo fucking hoo, I was gang-raped, got my throat slit by Fiona, and had to attend dead tea parties with Spalding and you don’t see me complaining. Girl has a point.
Zoe rightfully says that the coven is a shit show, but they’ve got big plans. A new Supreme is rising, their powers are aligning, and they might be getting a pool in the backyard.
Queenie then guts the hobo like a catfish and pulls out his still beating heart. Apparently Marie needs a dark heart (racist?) for a voodoo ritual to charge up Queenie’s powers.
Madison and Zoe look all horrified and above harvesting hobo hearts, which is ridiculous because they regularly stitch rapists into duvet covers and sell them on Etsy. White girls, am I right?
We then hop on our broomsticks and wiggle our noses and fly over to Miss Robichaux’s Hospital for the Magically Infirm, where Fiona is puking from her chemo treatments. This is terrible and all, but she’s eating a soft-boiled egg. Hmm. Maybe stick to crackers is all I’m saying.
Fiona is having a really rough time with the treatments, but she’s more upset about the way she looks than the actual dying. She says she’s looking less like Samantha and more like Endora, which, LOL Bewitched jokes!
She tells Cordelia she’s dying, and Cordelia hopes she’ll die before Thanksgiving because her stuffing tastes like ass. This isn’t a joke, she actually says this. Blind Cordelia has so much moxie.
Luckily, she still has Axeman, and creepy obsessive love is the best medicine. Also, Fiona is still smoking like a chimney, which is not the best idea. Axeman wants them to run away to Europe and enjoy her last month paddling boats on the Seine, stealing the crown jewels from London, and smoking all the hash in Marrakesh.
Fiona declines, as she would rather stay in New Orleans and stick it to all the haters. And she also wants to find the new Supreme and kill her. Business as usual.
Hey, remember Shirtless Luke and his creepy mother Patti LuPone? Well, they’re on payroll this week, so we get to see Patti cleaning his wounds from that Halloween zombie attack that happened two days/five weeks/four score and seven years ago. I am so lost on the timeline of this show.
Patti tells Luke he’s been tainted, not just with zombie juice, but with the Devil. And that guy is harder to remove than red wine stains. Before Jesus will let Shirtless on the rapture bus, he has to be cleaned of his impurities.
Sidebar, throughout this scene Luke has been calling Patti “mother.” Is there anything more off-putting than a grown man calling his mom mother to her face? Creepy. Almost as creepy as creepy as grown women calling their fathers “daddy.” Blurge!
Patti then forces her son to have an enema. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW?!
I feel like this season’s theme, aside from witches, is horribly abusive and invasive mothers. These moms make Joan Crawford look like Carol Brady.
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s Rehab Center for Hat Addiction, Cordelia has summoned Madison, Zoe and Nan for a meeting. She’s sorry they’ve lost Queenie, but she’s dead to them now. Blind Cordelia is cold blooded!
Cordelia has gathered them to plan Fiona’s murder, which needs to go flawlessly. Because if not… she’ll just die naturally from cancer? What’s the rush? The doorbell rings, and Cordelia wonders where all the staff is. Zoe, in no rush to tell Cordelia she murdered Spalding, goes to answer the door. Who’s at the door?!?
It’s Misty Day! She is barefoot and scared, because some douche came to her swamp shack and tried to shoot her up.
Luckily, resurrected Myrtle got stepped on by the killer and was able to warn her just in time and they hid in the swamp.
Cordelia touches Misty and sees a really cool morph of her burn and resurrection.
It’s kind of like this:
Look, it’s baby Tyra!
Cordelia recognizes Misty and offers her asylum in the coven.
Misty asks if her friend can stay too, and Cordelia is delighted to find Myrtle alive in the green house. Myrtle is happy to see her, but the first thing out of her mouth is a blind dig. She calls Cordelia blind as a butter knife… really, Myrtle? First off, that’s not even a phrase. Second, why is everyone on this show making blind jokes at Cordelia’s expense? That’s recapper turf!
Nan asks Myrtle how her hair grew back so quickly, and Myrtle tells her she’s been buying in bulk from North Korea for years. Wait, what? Let’s map this shit out:
Imagined conversation between Misty and Myrtle on the way to Miss Robichaux’s:
MISTY: OMG Myrtle, someone just tried to shotgun our asses!
MYRTLE: Indeed my dear, it seems that witches are an endangered species. We must seek shelter somewhere safe.
MISTY: I know! We’ll go to that crazy witch school, it’s safer than my shot-up shack, only 50 people have died there!
MYRTLE: Ah yes, I know it well. But first we must stop at my hotel room, so that I can pick up my bulk bag of fried hair shipped directly from North Korea.
MISTY: Wait, you’ve been importing hair from Kim Jong-Un? Isn’t that illegal?
MYRTLE: Not for us witches, we do not abide by these mortal trade laws.
MISTY: Look, I know all about trade embargoes. I watched Star Wars Episodes 1-3. But that sounds really expensive, especially for long frizzy pubic hair.
MYRTLE: But my child, it is how I derive my witchly powers.
Cordelia tells Myrtle the coven has fallen on hard times, as if she wasn’t just burnt at the stake by said coven, Myrtle responds that maybe it’s the best of times. Whatever you say, Crepe Paper Charles Dickens! Myrtle announces that Misty is obviously the new Supreme, but not everyone looks so sure.
Meanwhile, Zoe gives FrankenKyle a Reader Rabbit in the hopes that he’ll learn to communicate.
Madison comes in, kisses FrankenKyle, and suggests they give him porn instead. Zoe wants to better FrankenKyle however, and reintegrate him into society, where he will definitely not be reviled and chased with pitchforks into the Mississippi river. They agree he needs something to do while they’re killing Fiona, so they plug in his Lady Gaga headphones and leave him with the laptop. Hope that thing has parental controls.
Back in the parlor, Myrtle is outfitting everyone with musty old red robes and black lacey hats, because matching outfits are the best part of any ritual. She says that moth balls and history are a cocktail she swoons for, because apparently Myrtle has been reincarnated as a Tenessee Williams character.
The coven is about to perform a ritual (witchual?) called the Sacred Taking, wherein they convince the aging Supreme to kill herself to make way for the rising Supreme. It’s only been done three times before, all of which were done in black and white apparently.
Zoe is bummed that she’s not the next Supreme, which Madison notices. Nan is annoyed that no one ever considered her for the next Supreme, while Myrtle is like, obvs it’s Misty, she’s resurrected more people than Jesus. She actually says this.
Myrtle tells them that being a Supreme isn’t all sexy times and parlor tricks. It’s a burden, and Supremes had unhappy lives, carrying the weight of the coven on their shoulders. Misty is like PASS, but they remind her that it’s not a choice. She was born this way… as a Supreme. Maybe.
Myrtle tells the story of the first Sacred Taking, which happened during the Salem Witch Trials. The coven decided to flee to the South, a part of America known for tolerance and acceptance. Because the Supreme at the time was too old to travel, she killed herself.
And then I spit out my water because Myrtle says the following:
“Can you imagine those witches traveling down here in covered wagons without charcuterie platters or a bidet! Absolutely savage!”
BRB LOLING FOREVER! Apparently the witches’ journey to New Orleans was just like the Oregon Trail, only with less fiber and more smelly vaginas! This fucking show, you guys. This. Fucking. Show.