We invoke thee, Goddess of the Summer’s Eve! Douche our souls like you do our vaginas!
Basically, the big plan is to convince Fiona to kill herself via magic suicide peer pressure. Fiona, who is puking in the toilet, comes out of her bathroom to find Madison dancing around in a red dress.
Surprise bitch! I stole your caftan!
But you’ll never get my Virginia Slims!
Madison pretends she resurrected herself and she’s the new Supreme, and she makes plans to move into Fiona’s room/wear her clothes/fuck in her bed. She tells Fiona that tomorrow she’ll be burnt at the stake… unless she OD’s on all her sleeping pills. It’s up to Fiona to choose her fate.
Have fun dying, kthnxbai!
Fiona is reeling from the news when Myrtle shows up. Fiona tries to pack a bag to go off and die on an island with Axeman (which maybe just let her do so she’ll be out of your way?) but Myrtle tells her that he’ll leave her in the end. Sure, he’s stuck around since birth and is obsessed with her, I’m sure he’ll peace out any minute now.
Poor Fiona…that suitcase will never be carry-on
Fiona calls Myrtle an envious old bitch who obviously never had an axeman of her own. But despite this, we see a flash forward/dream where Fiona is bald and dying and the Axeman ditches her.
I’m just not that into you dying of cancer
Meanwhile, all the witches are waiting on the staircase to see how Madison did. Nan is still pissed no one sees her Supreme potential, and storms out of the school. She walks out, past Hank sitting in a car with a gun, and goes to Luke’s house. She opens his front door with her mind (she can do that?) and finds Luke tied up in the closet. BTW, while passing Hank, she can’t hear his murder thoughts? Continuity fail?
Meanwhile, Fiona needs Myrtle to hold the mirror while she prepares to leave behind a fierce corpse. She’s got her hair wrapped, she’s putting on make-up, and reminiscing about Woodstock. She talks about a wild six months, which is weird because Woodstock took place over a weekend, right? (I asked my mom because she went to Woodstock, but all she could remember was the mud and the drugs. Baby boomer parents, am I right?)
Fiona could feel regret over living life to the fullest, but she’s simply out of fucks to give. She puts on her finest fur and heels and gets ready to die like a star.
Hello Gorgeous…Babushka!
Fiona asks Myrtle to hang her Supreme portrait in the parlor, not in the basement alongside that disgraced Russian Supreme, whose flashback I CANNOT WAIT to see. In a classy final move, Myrtle steals Fiona’s jewelry and leaves her to die.
And that’s how Fiona Goode died. JK, no one dies on this show ever, it’s just like True Blood. The ghost of Spalding appears bearing a bottle of ipecac and tells her to snap the fuck out of it.
A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down… then right back up again
Turns out that Ghost Spalding can talk with his ghost tongue, and he uses it to tell Fiona about the witches’ charade to kill her. Fiona says she’s trying to do something decent for the coven, but he calls her out on that martyr act right quick.
What what what are you doing, Fiona? Look at your death, look at your choices!
While puking up the sleeping pills, Fiona promises to avenge Ghost Spalding’s murder, but first she has to avenge her own almost murder.
Meanwhile down in the Treme, Delphine is still locked in her cage. Queenie brings her a burger, which is nice, what after the betrayal and all.
Sad face!
Angry face!
Burger face!
Delphine wonders what she did to make Queenie betray her (other than all the racist murder/torture/shit sandwich buffet hijinks) and asks Queenie if it was the pot pie. Queenie obviously feels bad about imprisoning her bestie, but before she can do anything, Marie Laveau shows up and tells her to stop feeding the animals.
You know what happens when you feed Delphine after midnight! We do not need racist gremlins in here!
Marie taunts Delphine, who unwisely calls her a negress. WRONG MOVE Delphine! Delphine tells her she isn’t afraid, and she can’t die so what’s the worst they can do? She also says they may as well stick her back in a coffin, as she’s not interested in living in a world with a black president. Marie takes out a giant knife, and shows Delphine that she can make her life pretty shitty by cutting off her hand.
I don’t need no Obamacare messing with my civil liberties…
OH SHIT DOES MY HMO REPLACE HANDS?!?
Goodbye Delphine’s hand! Maybe Madison and Zoe can re-attach that thing or replace it with a rapist hand.
Meanwhile at Jesus’s Enema Emporium, Luke and Nan try to escape with their buttholes still intact. Nan even gets a kiss in, but Patti stops them. She’s called the cops, and she’s gonna shut their love story down right quick. Before she can whip up another batch of butt cleanse, a sniper shoots and kills her. Luke dives in front of a bullet to save Nan and gets shot as well.
There’s no way all that holy water will fit up my butt!!!
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Repertory Suicide Theatre, Myrtle plays the piano while they all wait for Fiona to die and Misty to level up her Supreme powers.
I really wish Cordelia was playing piano because then I could make a Ray Charles joke
Cordelia tells Misty that her feet should feel warm, while Myrtle assures her it starts with a tingle in the cooch. Oh undead Myrtle, never leave us!
I was told there would be cooch tingling…
But all Misty feels is diarrhea and anxiety at the thought of becoming the new Supreme. She’s not cut out for leadership, just for twirling to Fleetwood Mac and planting dead people.
Fiona shows up, looking fierce as fuck with a cigarette in hand, and tells them it started with a migraine. The bitch is back!
Oh mother, please don’t tell the Moroccan orgy story again!
Fiona wants to meet the swamp witch, but Misty has buggered off across the street to the shooting. EMT workers are taking Luke away, and Nan is going with him in the ambulance. Fiona walks in and meets Misty. She tells Misty to revive Patti, which yay Patti is alive, but also why? It’s not like she’s a friend to the coven.
Zoe leads Cordelia across the street to the house, but on the way Cordelia picks up the bullet and sees the bullet’s life story, because apparently that magic sight thing works on objects now. That must get really annoying every time she flushes the toilet.
Misty revives Patti and passes out, while Cordelia realizes that the shooter was after the witches.
Meanwhile, FrankenKyle has learned all the shapes and colors and can kinda speak now! He hugs Zoe and tells her that their room goes two ways? Now is not the time for bisexual politics, FrankenKyle! JK, it’s always time for bi politics.
You’ve been stuck on Lemonade Lake this whole time?
He tells Zoe he loves her, and poor Madison hears this from outside the room and gets sad because they were supposed to share him and shit.
I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him!
The next morning, Cordelia is enjoying a cup of coffee when Fiona joins her. Cordelia assumes she’ll be pissed, what with the whole attempted murder and all, but Fiona is impressed. She’s proud of Cordelia for showing she has moxie/true grit/homicidal tendencies, and she finally has hope for the future of the coven.
Did your tongue go blind too? Because this coffee tastes like poopy shit!
Cordelia replies that if she knew the only way to get her mother’s approval was to try to kill her, she’d have attempted it years ago! And then they laugh together likes it’s the end of a sitcom or something!
LOL failed matricide!
Now that Fiona is apparently not dying, Cordelia needs her to lead the coven against the witch hunters who are after them. Before they can make any plans, the doorbell rings. Apparently Ghost Spalding is busy with a ghost tea party, so Fiona answers and finds a cardboard box.
What’s in the box?! WHAT’S IN THE BOX!?!!?!?
Guess what’s inside? Is it a minotaur? Is it an enema? Is it sex toys for Madison and Zoe? Is it the complete collected works of Fleetwood Mac? Is it more fucking hats and head scarves?
NOPE. It’s Delphine’s head. In a box. Croaking for help.
Toss me a junior mint!
NEXT WEEK: Cordelia gets new eyeballs! Madison gets a fuzzy hat! FrankenKyle gets a Speak n’ Spell!
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Every time I read these recaps I struggle to come to terms with the fact that this is actually a show. Someone sat down and thought this up. Then put it on TV. Where people can see it. Like, in real life. What.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe these recaps, I really do. Was the comet-enema (or whatever was used) supposed to be a reference to lysol-douches? I feel like this show is metaing itself at this point. And my money has been on Nan as the Supreme for a while, will be great if it turn out to be, maybe that coven can get some grounding for a change.
I kinda hope this show ends with everyone dying of the common cold, like the final scene of War of the Worlds. Or like the video for Total Eclipse of the Heart. It’s a tie.
i just started watching this show like a week ago and am all caught up and did not even know we were recapping this show cos i kind of have tunnelvision and don’t read recaps of shows i don’t watch, but OMG these recaps are making my life right now. angela bassett forever.
The Wham! reference. I can’t even.
your commentary on those photos was absolutely killing it, AND you referenced my most quoted line from the L word ever on one of them. best recap ever.
I love this show and reading the recaps are the absolute cherry on top.
sometimes i think 90% of the reason i watch this show is these recaps. the other 10% is jessica lange
poopy shit! POOPY SHIT!!! i have not heard those beautiful words in so long that it breaks my heart.
oh memories.
“Grab that piece of charcoal you call a vagina and get in here!” :) I can’t even…