Which Girl Scout Cookie Is Your Ex-Girlfriend?

Depending on where you are in your life, the arrival of spring could mean many things – renewal, reflection, a reminder of the irrepressible march of time – but regardless, there will always be (and have always been) constants: Death, taxes, and Girl Scout cookies. You could be anywhere in the United States and those ubiquitous cookie boxes would give you social currency, a familiar touchstone, along with an incredible snack for which you wait all year, which probably makes it better.

Since these morsels are so ingrained in our lives, they’ve taken on personalities of their own. They’re also unavoidable, and each flavor tends to evoke passionate feelings – do you prefer Trefoils over Samoas? Better have a PowerPoint presentation ready to debate the issue! Girl Scout cookies are amazing because they help fund the Girl Scouts, who teach girls and young women great life skills and are also super inclusive.

In many ways, Girl Scout cookies are like the lesbians and bisexual women you’ll date in your life: A diverse collection of personalities that are all excellent in their own ways but also will follow you in your life forever, popping up on the regular and making you question your how you lived without them. And also with them.


Thin Mints

Hooboy, if you’re walking around with this babe you better be ready for attention. She’s the lesbian everyone seems to know and love and lose their minds in the presence of, the Shane of the Girl Scout cookies. She’s great with coffee or by herself; she’s always got great breath. Definitely has tattoos, definitely knows her hair is looking very Thin Mint today. You’ll mention her name at a queer potluck in an offhand sort of way, and people will nod and their faces will freeze in a love grimace as they drift into memories of their time with Thin Mints too.

Samoas

Bold and brash, this babe doesn’t care that anyone knows who she is, or that she’s got a bit of a different flavor and she’s proud of it. She wears purple a lot, and she knows she’s not for everyone. This makes her being for you even better. Being with her is like a time machine in that you’ll suddenly shake your head and realize you’ve been hanging out for HOURS. She wears jean vests with patches and pins and smokes when she drinks, and if you’re not making out, she’s marching for justice.

Tagalongs

Oh, she’s sweet. She’s so sweet. She’s soft and satisfying, she’s got curves and she makes you feel extra comfortable when you’re around her. She’s also quite rich, and that can be a pro or a con, because her inheritance allows her to live the commune lifestyle on the West Coast. She’ll flit in and out of your life, always bearing handmade turquoise jewelry, but no matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other, you usually end up hooking up for a little bit anyway – you just can’t stay away from that sugar.

Trefoils

This delicate femme seeks beauty in all things, including you. She puts effort into her makeup and her outfit, not just for her own enjoyment, but also because she wants to look cute for you. She’s felt invisible when it comes to the queer community because she looks the way she does, and it breaks your heart because she’s perfect. No matter how long you look at her, you’ll find something new to love, and you appreciate the simple loveliness she brings to your life.

Do-si-dos

You’ll find this lesbian in the forest, often on hiking trails and in campgrounds. She’s got a classic appeal to her, with short hair, a simple approach to life, and a bit of crunchiness you find comforting. Her Instagram shows a lot of smiling in sunglasses in front of unreal outdoor scenery. She’s capable, and she’s probably gauged her ears at some point. A bit of a tough exterior, this butch will reveal her sweet, squishy center when you get to know her a bit more. Then you’re hooked.

Lemonades

Here’s our sportsbian, a gal who feels more comfortable on a soccer pitch or basketball court than anywhere else. U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team games are holy days, and you’ll see her bravado break into unadulterated emotion when her team is barely holding on. When she walks she struts but doesn’t really mean to, and her favorite clothes all have elastic bands. And while she may look like a set of muscles and a nice smile from the outside, once you meet her, you’ll know there’s something more – something refreshing – about her.

Thanks-A-Lot

This lesbian is a bossy bottom, one who talks a lot to let her top know everything is going super well, thank you very much. Also an affirmer outside of the bedroom, she wants to hold your hand in public and show you off. But you know that you have to treat her well, or you’ll lose access to all that shine JUST LIKE THAT. She’s self-assured, and she’s tough, but at the base of it all is a layer of solid sweetness. She sends you thirst traps from the changing room, and she’s genuinely thrilled when she finds out it makes you really happy. And turned on.

Toffee-tastic

Indulgent but firm, this top seems to know what you want before you do. You meet her and you wonder how you haven’t known her your whole life, how you’ve lived without her watchful eyes and quiet confidence. She’s here to make sure you get what you want, and that what you want is her. She doesn’t pay a lot of attention to social media, but you know that if she did, she’d be a star, there’s just something about her you know everyone would love. But for now, you’ve got her undivided attention, and the richness and responsibility that comes with it.

Savannah Smiles

Newly out of the closet, this gayby is all sugar and smiles and rainbows, thrilled to be here, thrilled to be queer, and thrilled to be getting used to it. Any bitterness they hold in their hearts is overwhelmed by the sweetness they exude because they’ve discovered themselves. Every day is a pride parade, and that’s just as it should be. The last time you saw her, she was trying to figure out if a Subaru is what she really needs or just a want.

Trios

This lesbian attracts your attention immediately, and after 20 minutes of heavy flirting, she informs you she’s partnered and her partner is here actually, do you want to meet her? Disappointment melts away at the sight of her partner, a total stunner who also seems interested in you. You’d always heard polyamory was complicated, but how, this seems so natural and good! You all fit so well together! This couple makes sure to hit up the farmers market not just as a way to get healthy produce, but to make sure they spend time together. You’re into it, and are surprised when you realize you moved in with them two weeks ago.


Tag your ex (or yourself).


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Molly Priddy is a writer and editor in Northwest Montana. Follow her on Twitter: @mollypriddy

Molly has written 35 articles for us.

56 Comments

  1. I would dispute your characterization of Thin Mints.

    Thin Mints is the uber-domme of lesbians. She walks into a room and owns it. She knows it, you know it, everybody knows it. This woman is cool, bordering on cold, and completely in control. No other cookie lesbian challenges her. She wears dark colors, and her clothes and hair are rigidly tight and smooth. Bow down and acknowledge her.

  2. Shoutout to my ex-Samoa who lived in a van, took me guerrilla camping, fucked like a maniac and then shoplifted coffee for me from the grocery store in the morning. That was a HELL of a few months, there.

  3. I’ve had more relationships with the discontinued Girl Scout cookie called
    “Friendship Circles: “friend” embossed on vanilla cookie sandwich with chocolate filling, in 18 languages.”

    Yep. Reminded in 18 languages that we will only ever be friends. Sounds about right. Hahahahaha

  4. My ex is closest to a Do-Si-Do, I think (but with more sarcasm and field biologist bird-banding photos.) I’m… eh… probably one of those café cookies that only existed for two or three years. (They were sort of cinnamony, like a big round Biscoff, iirc).

  5. I’m Half Thanks-a lot, and half Do-Si-Do, but sold at a basketball game. As for my ex, is there one that is kind of bland, kind of messy(are we dating or are we not, but also clean your room), salty at times for no reason, but also cis-straight(and not the kind that easy melts when hot)? This was before I properly came out as trans and want nothing to do with cis-het women anymore.

  6. As someone who spent ten years selling Guide Biscuits which are only wine biscuits or wine biscuits with a thin layer of chocolate coating on one side, I’ve always been extremely jealous of the numerous, delicious-sounding flavors of American Girl Scout Cookies (except Samoas, because what kind of colonialist rubbish is naming a cookie after one of your territories).

    Also, I am a Trefoil.

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