A couple of weeks ago, Laneia posted a list of search phrases that led people to us here at Autostraddle, the largest independent LGBTQ women’s news and entertainment site in the world, and – given how advanced the species that inhabit our surrounding galaxies are and how little use they would have for a website dedicated to the goings-on of a group of people who have been marked by their sexuality or gender – presumably the entire universe. Many of them were an enlightening, if not sobering, look into the human mind. For example, surely in a moment of desperation, we know that someone posed to the internet the phrase “things orange” before landing on this very site. Ouch. But also: god bless the broken road.
Along a similar, more relevant path to the person who asked “can you walk around in public with we vibe in pussy” was a person who wanted to know “what to say to someone who met a lesbian”, which I find not just haunting, but multilayered. Ultimately, what does anyone say to someone who’s just met anyone? More to the point: what does anyone say to anyone? The other day I overheard a guy ask the cashier at the grocery store if she was having “fun today.” Hello? We are all searching and failing.
Despite the unifying nature of this question’s root and the tailored subject matter, to this person’s probable dismay, the answer wasn’t here on Autostraddle, the largest independent LGBT news and entertainment site in the universe.
Stop wandering, friend, and rest your weary eyes. I’m here to tell you what to say to someone who met a lesbian.
Before diving in, I asked for clarification on the angle: Was I talking to someone who met a lesbian, or was I talking to someone who knew someone who met a lesbian? It was no matter; I would do both, because I am nothing if not thorough when the time permits and I’m adequately hydrated and also I’m feeling the vibe in or around the pussy.
What to Say to Someone Who Met a Lesbian (Directly)
- Congratulations! (etc.)
- A rare find!
- Three weeks to however-long-it-takes-your-lesbian-to-overinvest-emotionally of good luck!
- Eat your heart out, Oprah! (this one can really be applied to any situation, because it’s sort of like you’re saying you have something on Oprah, which you don’t, and as if you could ever, and plus it just seems like a fun thing to say )
- Blessed image!
- Wait, where are they? No reason.
- Was it [redacted pop singer]?
- Boom-boom-boom, a-let me hear you say way-o!
- I’m smashing the like!
- What’s your address? I’d like to send you a card.
- Are you staying hydrated?
- You can take that to the bank!
- Mr./Mrs./Ms./Mx. luck over here! Gotta get me some of that. (you can laugh here)
- Are you Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos because HOOOOOO!
Advice for What to Say to Someone Who Met a Lesbian (Indirectly)
- Greet them with various felicitations – ones you’re comfortable with. Don’t step too far out of your “vibe” as that will be unsettling, which is the opposite of what we’re going for here.
- Remark on its scarcity.
- Tailor your affirmation of this blessing to the topic at hand.
- Literally make up a phrase as if it is an old saying that people use frequently. Have fun here!
- Employ the kind of vernacular that has become a part of our modern daily lives to express joy.
- Ask a cryptic question and then clarify it’s for no reason.
- Out someone famous!
- Song lyric.
- Put your own spin on the vernacular that has become a part of our modern daily lives to express joy.
- Another mysterious question that involves that person’s home address as an indication of good things to come.
- Express concern for their should-be excited physical state.
- Throw in a rogue actual saying that people use frequently that may or may not totally apply.
- Assert its fortuitous nature; wish aloud you could get some of that.
- Reference an old HBO TV show that probably not a lot of people under 30 have watched.
Good luck out there!