A Color-Coded Valentine’s Day Sex Toy Gift Guide For Anyone

Welcome to the absolutely 100% definitive color-coded guide to what sex toy you should get your activity partners and friends for Valentine’s Day. Suggestions for your best friend, your girlfriend, your ex, the couple you want to proposition later, your just-dumped friend, your third date and dying alone below.


Red Sex Toys For Your Red Hot Activity Partner

Ahh red, color of stop lights, scissoring sweaters, and ripping your clothes off the moment you see each other whether or not it’s socially appropriate.

collage of the red sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Je Joue Ooh Classic Vibrator (don’t forget the motor, sold separately) | Bouncer Silicone Dildo | Candy Apple Wrist Restraints | New Wave Silicone Double Dildo | Iroha Mini | Spareparts Tomboi Harness | The Feminist Porn Book, edited by Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley and Mireille Miller-Young | Candy Apple Paddle | Iroha Plus


Turquoise Sex Toys For The Couple You Want To Bang

What do you get for the couple who has everything — except for you in their bed?

collage of the turquoise sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Eva Couple’s Clitoral Vibrator | Gem Pin | We-Vibe Sync | Stronic Drei | Minna Limon | Ooh Mini Pebble (don’t forget the motor, sold separately) | More Than Two: A Couple’s Guide to Ethical Polyamory, by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert | Mood Naughty 2 Butt Plug


Orange Sex Toys For Your Awkward Third Date

What do you get for your stay-in third date on February 14 because neither of you realized it was a Tuesday this year and once you did realize it it was too late to back out without making things even more awkward, and you already rescheduled once for “a migraine” and just aren’t flaky enough to do it again even though you wish you were? Something in a color that says, “I have a personality,” but not, “we should use this together forever until our five future cats tear it apart.”

collage of the orange sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Irona Mini | Sliquid Sizzle | High Five pin | Fun Factory Moody | Planet Pin | Ambiance Massage Candle | The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy


Gold Sex Toys For Your Ex

Honestly, you probably shouldn’t get your ex anything for Valentine’s Day, unless you want to fuck with them. Or dramatically win them back with a $3,000 vibrator! (Do not try to dramatically win them back with a $3,000 vibrator, or at all. Buy your own sex toys and live your own dreams.)

collage of the gold and yellow sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: 24kt Gold-Plated Crave Vesper | Je Joue Ooh Pebble Vibrator (don’t forget the motor, sold separately) | Leo Dildo | Twenty One Vibrating Diamond | Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls by Lindsay King-Miller | Crave Bullet Vibrator | Lelo Yva | Desir Metallique Handcuffs | Gal Pal Golden Heather Hooded Sweatshirt


Purple Sex Toys For Your Best Friend

Celebrate the joys of platonic friendship this Galentine’s Day with a vibrator shaped like an emoji.

collage of the purple sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Sliquid Silk | Je Joue Ami Kegel Balls | Lelo Siri 2 | We-Vibe Rave | Emojibator Eggplant Vibrator | Fun Factory Tiger G5 | Tantus Ripple |  Best Lesbian Erotica 2009, edited by Tristan Taormino (or this year’s Best Lesbian Erotica, edited by Rachel Windsor)


Green Sex Toys For The Newly Uncoupled

For the friend who could’ve had it all and now — whether consciously uncoupling, finally leaving or recently dumped — just can’t stop quoting Adele. For bonus points, make a comment about how green can help to heal the heart chakra in your card.

collage of the green sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Spectral Glass Dildo | Sliquid Swirl Green Apple lube | Womanizer W500 clitoral stimulator | Good Clean Love lube | The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (or The New Bottoming Book by the same authors, or both, as relevant) | Cayona Vibrator | Lime Teaser Mini Smoothie Vibrator | Patchy Paul G5 vibrator | Tiny Tent enamel pin


Pink Sex Toys For Someone Who Actually Likes Pink Sex Toys

Takes all sorts.

collage of the pastel pink sex toys listed below

Roughly clockwise: Devices of Desire pocket rocket vibrator | Cayona Vibrator | Pink Silicone Lube | Toy 5 Dildo by Wet for Her | Pink Palm Springs Wall Enamel Pin | Oh Joy Sex Toy, Volume 1, by Erika Moen | Sex Kitten Adjustable Gator Nipple Clamps | Octopussy Glass Dildo |
Crash Pad Series subscription


Black Sex Toys For Dying Alone

Get that person who’s convinced they’re dying alone (we all die alone) toys they can use by themselves now or with a partner after life proves them wrong.

collage of the below black-colored list items

Roughly clockwise: Sliquid Studio Silver Silicone Lubricant | Bootie Silicone Butt Plug | Lelo Nea 2 | Mis Pin | Mystic Wand Rechargeable Vibrator | Bijoux Maze H Body Harness | Black Line Tiger Vibrator | Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch/Femme Erotica, edited by Tristan Taormino

Carolyn Yates is the NSFW Consultant, and was formerly the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor, for Autostraddle.com. Her writing has appeared in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She recently moved to Los Angeles from Montreal. Find her on twitter.

Carolyn has written 939 articles for us.

16 Comments

  1. “pink sex toys for people who like pink sex toys” oh my god the last time I went in to our local sex shop I literally asked for “anything that’s NOT pink” and walked out empty handed. People, this is a serious problem.

  2. Just a heads up since several of these mix silicon lube and silicon toys.

    Do NOT use silicon lube with silicon toys. The silicon in the lube will bond to the toy and it is extremely difficult at best to get off. Plus silicon lube not being water soluble is just a pain in the ass clean up in general.

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