Twilight For Guys, Starring Lesbians Kissing (VIDEO)

Here’s yet another Twilight parody to get you through your Friday: Twilight For Guys.

Since we’re lesbi-bi-queerdos, we obvs feel the need to process our feelings re: this. Wanna join us? Afterward we can talk about the first girl you played “Untouchable Face” for and Crystal will get us all some coffee and Sarah will let you borrow her flat iron.

Rating system will obviously follow the genius of Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office: Finger to Fist (0-5).

Also, this little number is NSFW, so all of you a-holes with jobs will just have to WAIT ‘TIL YOU GET HOME.

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RIESE:
Having just seen Eclipse, which we reviewed for you last week, and then, yesterday, New Moon, and totally hating Bella and Edward for being selfish asshats, I liked this one better. Mostly for its length. But also it cleverly plays on tropes of homo-appropriation that we often discuss here and I like how it squarely points out that lesbian action isn’t for lesbians or even starring actual lesbians.

I give it an aggressive fingering from a straight girl who is basically doing to you what she does to herself when she thinks about you/her boyfriend which may/may not be what you actually like, but you’re still flattered that she’s trying at all

LANEIA:
I… um… didn’t hate it? It was trying too hard, but I appreciate the effort. Like most lesbian-themed things on this planet, it’d be a hell of a lot better without men. I liked it more than Eclipse, though!

I give it two rushed, awkward, unlubricated fingers, with earnest kissing. You know when they get really wrapped up in the kissing and they forget what to do with their hands? It was like that.

ALEX:
I’m in my CAR in a PARKING LOT to watch this video because of what the “w” in NSFW stands for. And needless to say, I’m a little disappointed. The concept is good and I get it, and it’s funny… but the execution is not good. There’s something that weirds me about about impossibly straight women in weird outfits acting lesbionic for the camera. I would’ve preferred to see just three normal cute girls in these roles… you know, like maybe Kristin Stewart multiplied three times, making out with each other. I probs wouldn’t watch this again. I’ll give it one finger. An “A” for effort or whatever.

TAYLOR:
I’m going to ignore the meta-commentary thing going on with the dudes and the whatnot and list my feelings:

1. From the weird hazy camera effect and ominous music, this seemed like one of those sensational MSNBC missing persons specials or something, where they reenact someone’s abduction is this really amazing trivialized way. I want to be a reenactment actor– I think that’s probably the best job in Hollywood.
2. I LOVE that werewolf tail! I’d love one. I used to have a coonskin cap and I never missed it until right now.
3. “LEZ BE ON OUR WAY”: Loved it. Love that.

So yeah, this made me feel dirty mainly, but I also want a raccoon tail, so I’d give this one finger that’s moving really frantically too fast because they think that’s what you want but you don’t — you want a fist, you know?

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here. She's 37, has two kids, two dogs, one cat, one Megan, and some personal essays.

Laneia has written 889 articles for us.

23 Comments

  1. The rating system is ten times more interesting than the video to me. I mean, the video made me cringe but the ratings made me feel nostalgic, like I was back in high school again.

  2. so the video disappoints me for a few reasons:

    1) If straight guys have been fantasizing about lesbians since the beginning of time, then why is the fantasy always SO BORING? like sh*t, can’t you come up with something better than “these girls look like teen porn stars” and so let’s have them “make-out?”

    2) Vampires should BITE. it woulda been kinda hot if the vamp lesbo sunk her teeth into the bella lesbo and the bella lesbo got all into it.

    3) where was the fight scene? if you’re gonna have fake lesbians runnin around in skimpy outfits, can we at least have one awesome fight scene?!

    4) It woulda been funny if one of the couple reaction scenes included a straight girlfriend going on about how “hot and awesome” the lesbian scenes were to her boyfriend’s surprise and dismay. 😀

    if autostraddle decides to remake this video, i would be so down to help out!

    lez do it!

    • “If straight guys have been fantasizing about lesbians since the beginning of time, then why is the fantasy always SO BORING? like sh*t, can’t you come up with something better than “these girls look like teen porn stars” and so let’s have them “make-out?””

      CAN WE PLEASE SPRAY PAINT THIS ON LIKE, FUCKING EVERYTHING?

      i volunteer to help w/ casting. i happen to know a super hot lesbian vampire who would probs be into biting…

      • OMG. I haven’t even watched the vid yet (cause ima loser w a job, but whatev), but I want IN! Idk if I even have any talents to offer, but I. don’t. care.

        also, i’m sleep deprived and will now go comment on every other article today 😀

    • I read your line about straight men’s fantasies to my boyfriend (I’m queer, he’s not), and he said “You seem to have missed one very important point: it doesn’t take a lot to satisfy guys.”

      har.

      {i’d like to consider myself for any sort of Lesbian Vampire Werewolf Killers of Sparkle Motion flick, thanks}

  3. The glares from the guy’s girlfriend kinda made the vid for me. I loled.

    Can we get on this army of lesbians thing though? Especially with cute underwear as uniforms.

    • Work. NSFW = Not Safe for Work. As in, this video is probs not appropriate ’cause you wouldn’t want your boss walking in on you watching it.

  4. OK,

    My lesbian sister showed me this and I find it pretty amusing that you guys clearly missed what and who the video was making fun of. The lesbian aspect is just functional. The parody making fun of the girls who pretend to be into this movie because of x, y, or z reason when really they are just getting wet over the shirtless dudes and the soft-pornification.

    It’s like Chappelle’s Black Bush. The idea is not that this is what Bush would be like if he was black. It’s that if you strip away the lens of race, this is what he’s saying and acting like. In other words, for a black viewer of George W. Bush, it was obviously that he was being a macho, fratty showoff, which is what we as white viewers clearly see when we view him as a black man.

    Ditto here. The Twilight series is all about objectification of hot guys for the benefit of tween and tween at heart horny girls. Isn’t that obvious? And shouldn’t it become obvious when you view this parody, down to the reaction shots from overly emotional men viewing the lesbian hotness?

      • OK, fine, I love you bitches all over again. I thought I was taking crazy pills. I now rate your review a gentle but slowly quickening circular rubbing of the clitoris. (Up from a clumsy abandoned effort to find the clitoris and a half hearted finger bang.)

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