Top 8 TV Moms To U-Haul With Right Now

There comes a time in every queer lady’s life where you start identifying way more with the mother figures from all your favorite TV shows. Coincidentally, that also happens to be when you realize how crush-worthy they’ve been all along. Here are the Top Eight TV Moms I’d U-Haul with in a jif (in no particular order, like with Myspace of yore).

1. Nancy Botwin, Weeds

First Date:
We meet at Hemp Con where she’s tabling her newest line of ready-to-eat Sativavocado Toast. She’s impressed by my Dab Brulee recipe and we decide to bake and get baked that very night.

When We U-Haul:
Nancy reveals that her third husband died while trying to save 13 children from a burning orphanage. In fact, every man she’s ever married has met a freakish demise and she’s pretty sure that I’m the cure for this curse.

2. Gemma Morrow-Teller, Sons Of Anarchy

First Date:
We go to a gay leather bar because it has all the outlaw-adjacent things she loves (Beards! Bikes! Beer!) without any of the real-life hazards (Racists! Homophobes!).

When We U-Haul:
She finds out her son’s trying to kill her and needs a change of name and scenery. Long story but people make mistakes, ok???

3. Clair Huxtable, The Cosby Show

First Date:
We order Thai food and blast through a Law & Order marathon because sometimes you just wanna slum it after a long day of lawyering.

When We U-Haul:
Clair’s divorce is finalized from her creepy doctor husband who was recently sued by at least 100 women for malpractice and harassment.

4. Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy

First Date:
We go wine tasting and Lucy tells me the most hilarious story about the time she got way too wasted stomping grapes with good ol’ Ethel.

When We U-Haul:
The first time we push two twin beds together to eat pie with our hands while listening to a serialized radio show, there’s no turning back.

5. Loretha “Cookie” Lyon, Empire

First Date:
We spend a night bar hopping and singing karaoke and for some reason we never have to pay a bar tab or wait in line for a song.

When We U-Haul:
Cookie has an unexpected windfall from some vague casino-related transaction and decides to finally slow the hell down and buy a house in Palm Springs.

6. Joyce Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

First Date:
We combine two of Joyce’s favorite things (art and pretending that reality isn’t happening) by heading to Wine and Paint Night in sunny Santa Monica, CA. No demons there, just vegans!

When We U-Haul:
Turns out all you have to do to escape early death and/or the Apocalypse is drive back to LA before Season 5!

7. Margaret “Peggy” Bundy, Married With Children

First Date:
Peg’s two favorite things are ridiculing whiny men and chain-smoking so we head to a hookah bar for an impromptu sign-drawing party to benefit protesters of MRA group “No Ma’am”.

When We U-Haul:
I’m just the really friendly neighbor until Peg’s cranky, misogynistic husband moves in with his gay BFF who recently split from his husband again. Her slightly shady but efficient cousin Gemma helps us move.

8. Selina Meyer, VEEP

First Date:
We eat Panda Express at her house on the desk she had made that’s an exact replica of the one she had in the Oval Office. We do that Lady and The Tramp thing with an extra long Chow Mein noodle and she makes me promise not to tell anyone.

When We U-Haul:
We don’t. Turns out she’s a terrible person who lied about going to therapy and I turn that damn truck around halfway to P-Town. It’s too late to get my deposits back for the van and the apartment and you know what? I’m okay with that.

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Kai

Kai Choyce is a writer, comedian, and cat whisperer.

Kai has written 13 articles for us.

49 Comments

  1. I love that Katey Sagal is basically here twice. Clair Huxtable was the reason I started watching that show and is my longest standing crush with the exception of my first grade teacher who was my head canon for Ms. Honey.

  2. Mrs.S
    We’d go for steak dinner in flannel overshirts and end up uhauling in a drafty trailer when, for some inexplicable reason, we’d have to get the hell out of dodge with her 15 identical (and one not) children and four magical grandkids.

    • I agree with this 200%. Forgive me for I have sinned. I am behind an entire season because I have to wait until it’s on Amazon/Netflix.

    • SIOBHAN YES

      Don’t forget the part where she inexplicably starts singing and playing the electric guitar

    • Oh my god, I would so U-Haul with Mrs. S. We’d go off-grid into the Scottish Highlands, and she’d go out every morning and hunt up some meat with that shiny shot gun of hers, while I harvested the veggies in the garden. I’d cook her delicious omnivore meals, and she’d teach me the proper way to brew tea.

  3. Gemma killed way too many people (RIP Tara) for me to even consider U-Hauling with her, even if she does look like Katey Sagal.

    I’d love to move with Clair Huxtable but the way she reads people, (see here and here) I’d probably never win an argument ever again in life…and I’m just not sure my soul could take that.

  6. I think being a mom makes this slightly less relatable.

    But…

    Regina Mills. Passionate, slightly scary auhority figure. And she’s also got a custody arrangement, so we’d get kid-free time too.


    And the Evil Queen role play possibilities… *sigh

  7. Only woman on my list. LORELAI GILMORE. (Yes, I know this is controversial, don’t @ me)

    We’d meet when I take a trip to Stars Hollow and stay at the Dragonfly. I’d invite her to go on a romantic horseback ride with me, and we’d spend the whole time discussing tv and movies and books and music and laugh so much we’d nearly fall out of our saddles.

    We’d U-Haul only after I get the town’s approval, probably by wow-ing them all with my stellar karaoke skills at K.C.’s bar one night

    • I am so here for this. Although you’d probably have to save some town event from disaster in order to get the whole town approval because that’s probably the only way you’d get it from Taylor!

  8. Why not make it a Katey Segal hat trick and include Leela from Futurama? She’s not technically a mom, but she is definitely a mother-figure for Fry. Come on, purple hair + combat boots = hotttt.

  9. I would definitely U-Haul with Mary Louise Parker, but not necessarily Nancy Botwin. Maybe final season of Weeds Nancy, but she really stressed me out too much before then.

    And don’t forget the ultimate mommi of all – Carol Aird.

    • Considering the uncanny resemblance between Therese and Rindy, this comment is maybe a little too true.

  10. The omission of Tami Taylor in this list is a deep disappointment. Number one mom crush for life!

  11. What, no Samantha from TV’s Bewitched?

    We would meet at the local coffeeshop, get to talking and in a whirlwind six-months she would realize that LITERALLY EVERYTHING WRONG in her life is her idiot husband’s fault so we turn him into half an American Cheese on Wonder bread with Mayo sandwich, pack up Tabatha and move to Avalon.

    Avalon, Pennsylvania​. Gotta be realistic.

  12. Myspace top 8s most DEFINITELY had an order, and therefore your rankings are 100% correct.

  13. Ella Montgomery

    First Date:
    We go to a new age Wiccan meeting/picnic

    When we U-Haul:
    Five seconds after she makes a list of all the sleazy men in her life: cheating ex-husband, creepy ex-fiance, pedophiliac co-worker who’s into her daughter.

    • Hell-to-the-yeah!!

      13 year old me “loved her and wanted to be my sister”
      27 year old me “wow I had a big gay crush on her and still do…”

  14. “We combine two of Joyce’s favorite things (art and pretending that reality isn’t happening) by heading to Wine and Paint Night in sunny Santa Monica, CA. No demons there, just vegans!”

    Dying

    • Hopefully not! You should swoop in and U-Haul with S4 empty-nest Joyce and then live happily ever after where Joss can’t hurt anyone.

      • Remember when she was literally just living in the wall of the school in Buffy’s dream and totally fine with it and that was so believable for her character Buffy could’ve been awake at the time

        • OMG yes. That part always wrenches my heart a bit, even if it’s a totally real experience of going off to college (at least it was for me). What really stings about that scene is how Buffy takes Joyce for granted – it’s painful to watch knowing what’s to come.

    • That’s gotta be favorite line too!

      But Joyce could never have my heart. Tami Taylor all the way. Or Nancy Botwin.
      Or Donna Clark (ESP S02, Halt and Catch Fire)

  18. Does being president of a ragtag group of celestial refugees count? Cuz I’d definitely U-Haul with Laura Roslin.

      • Clair Underwood is another good one. Who wouldn’t want to be the first lady to U-haul with the president.

    • Laura Roslin basically drank the blood of a baby to stay alive, i think that disqualifies her from mommy-hood if not mommi-hood. But yes I would 100% marry her.

  22. I should have known I was gay when I watched Nancy Botwin dance on top of a table (S3E3 – totally messed up situation tho). Omg. Maybe also when Ruth smiled at Idgie. I love me some MLP.

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