Top 8 TV Moms To U-Haul With Right Now

There comes a time in every queer lady’s life where you start identifying way more with the mother figures from all your favorite TV shows. Coincidentally, that also happens to be when you realize how crush-worthy they’ve been all along. Here are the Top Eight TV Moms I’d U-Haul with in a jif (in no particular order, like with Myspace of yore).

1. Nancy Botwin, Weeds

First Date:
We meet at Hemp Con where she’s tabling her newest line of ready-to-eat Sativavocado Toast. She’s impressed by my Dab Brulee recipe and we decide to bake and get baked that very night.

When We U-Haul:
Nancy reveals that her third husband died while trying to save 13 children from a burning orphanage. In fact, every man she’s ever married has met a freakish demise and she’s pretty sure that I’m the cure for this curse.

2. Gemma Morrow-Teller, Sons Of Anarchy

First Date:
We go to a gay leather bar because it has all the outlaw-adjacent things she loves (Beards! Bikes! Beer!) without any of the real-life hazards (Racists! Homophobes!).

When We U-Haul:
She finds out her son’s trying to kill her and needs a change of name and scenery. Long story but people make mistakes, ok???

3. Clair Huxtable, The Cosby Show

First Date:
We order Thai food and blast through a Law & Order marathon because sometimes you just wanna slum it after a long day of lawyering.

When We U-Haul:
Clair’s divorce is finalized from her creepy doctor husband who was recently sued by at least 100 women for malpractice and harassment.

4. Lucy Ricardo, I Love Lucy

First Date:
We go wine tasting and Lucy tells me the most hilarious story about the time she got way too wasted stomping grapes with good ol’ Ethel.

When We U-Haul:
The first time we push two twin beds together to eat pie with our hands while listening to a serialized radio show, there’s no turning back.

5. Loretha “Cookie” Lyon, Empire

First Date:
We spend a night bar hopping and singing karaoke and for some reason we never have to pay a bar tab or wait in line for a song.

When We U-Haul:
Cookie has an unexpected windfall from some vague casino-related transaction and decides to finally slow the hell down and buy a house in Palm Springs.

6. Joyce Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

First Date:
We combine two of Joyce’s favorite things (art and pretending that reality isn’t happening) by heading to Wine and Paint Night in sunny Santa Monica, CA. No demons there, just vegans!

When We U-Haul:
Turns out all you have to do to escape early death and/or the Apocalypse is drive back to LA before Season 5!

7. Margaret “Peggy” Bundy, Married With Children

First Date:
Peg’s two favorite things are ridiculing whiny men and chain-smoking so we head to a hookah bar for an impromptu sign-drawing party to benefit protesters of MRA group “No Ma’am”.

When We U-Haul:
I’m just the really friendly neighbor until Peg’s cranky, misogynistic husband moves in with his gay BFF who recently split from his husband again. Her slightly shady but efficient cousin Gemma helps us move.

8. Selina Meyer, VEEP

First Date:
We eat Panda Express at her house on the desk she had made that’s an exact replica of the one she had in the Oval Office. We do that Lady and The Tramp thing with an extra long Chow Mein noodle and she makes me promise not to tell anyone.

When We U-Haul:
We don’t. Turns out she’s a terrible person who lied about going to therapy and I turn that damn truck around halfway to P-Town. It’s too late to get my deposits back for the van and the apartment and you know what? I’m okay with that.


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Faith Choyce is a writer, comedian, and cat whisperer who can be found on Twitter, Facebook, Patreon, and faithchoyce.com.

Faith has written 15 articles for us.

49 Comments

  1. I love that Katey Sagal is basically here twice. Clair Huxtable was the reason I started watching that show and is my longest standing crush with the exception of my first grade teacher who was my head canon for Ms. Honey.

  2. Mrs.S
    We’d go for steak dinner in flannel overshirts and end up uhauling in a drafty trailer when, for some inexplicable reason, we’d have to get the hell out of dodge with her 15 identical (and one not) children and four magical grandkids.

  3. Gemma killed way too many people (RIP Tara) for me to even consider U-Hauling with her, even if she does look like Katey Sagal.

    I’d love to move with Clair Huxtable but the way she reads people, (see here and here) I’d probably never win an argument ever again in life…and I’m just not sure my soul could take that.

  4. I think being a mom makes this slightly less relatable.

    But…

    Regina Mills. Passionate, slightly scary auhority figure. And she’s also got a custody arrangement, so we’d get kid-free time too.


    And the Evil Queen role play possibilities… *sigh

  5. Only woman on my list. LORELAI GILMORE. (Yes, I know this is controversial, don’t @ me)

    We’d meet when I take a trip to Stars Hollow and stay at the Dragonfly. I’d invite her to go on a romantic horseback ride with me, and we’d spend the whole time discussing tv and movies and books and music and laugh so much we’d nearly fall out of our saddles.

    We’d U-Haul only after I get the town’s approval, probably by wow-ing them all with my stellar karaoke skills at K.C.’s bar one night

  6. What, no Samantha from TV’s Bewitched?

    We would meet at the local coffeeshop, get to talking and in a whirlwind six-months she would realize that LITERALLY EVERYTHING WRONG in her life is her idiot husband’s fault so we turn him into half an American Cheese on Wonder bread with Mayo sandwich, pack up Tabatha and move to Avalon.

    Avalon, Pennsylvania​. Gotta be realistic.

  7. Ella Montgomery

    First Date:
    We go to a new age Wiccan meeting/picnic

    When we U-Haul:
    Five seconds after she makes a list of all the sleazy men in her life: cheating ex-husband, creepy ex-fiance, pedophiliac co-worker who’s into her daughter.

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