The new Shakira and Rihanna video got me thinking and I realized something. Rihanna does some gay shit. From her many Instagram pictures of women grabbing her junk to the way she constantly co-opts stereotypically male themes in her songs (arguably subverting their meaning in the process). She’s probably had more alternative lifestyle haircuts than the entire Team Autostraddle combined.
RiRi truly has no fucks to give and is a walking, talking, twerking embodiment of “everyone’s a little bit gay.” For that reason, I have painstakingly gone through the rest of Rihanna’s video library so that I may rank them from least to most gay. It’s a hard job but somebody’s gotta do it. #godswork
Top 10 Gayest Rihanna Videos
10. “We Found Love”
I’m pretty stalwart when it comes to peer pressure but I fear if I ever met Ri, my moral compass would go out the window. This video has it all: Rihanna drinking beer, Rihanna on a skateboard, Rihanna in a jean jacket, Rihanna popping pills, Rihanna in a mosh pit, Rihanna stealing from a grocery store. Rachel says to ignore the dude in this video and realize that this is actually a Skins episode and she ditches that Chris Brown lookalike to go make out with Naomi while on ecstasy.
You have to make it when your feature is from a lesbian and Drake is a lesbian. But also at the end there’s some sort of medieval period praising ceremony I think.
Rihanna is in charge of Roc Nation, a real Commander in Queef if you will. She’s just being real toppy this video and not taking shit from anyone. Plus she looks like a sexy unlockable Mortal Kombat character that I’d use to perform a babality on someone.
Ever since Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett emotionally sang in cloudy bathtub water in The Runaways, that became gay. It’s ours now. Sorry middle-aged women drinking wine. Sorry babies. Sorry everyone. We run that.
6. “Rude Boy”
This video makes the list solely for its ability to unlock your own latent homosexuality as it did with our very own Audrey. It’s like Pandora’s Box if that box was filled with lesbianism.
5. “Take a Bow”
This might just me be projecting because this video reminds me of someone I had a crush on in college but also she wears a black tank top for most of this video and we also run tank tops. WE RUN THAT.
Oh, hey you. Rihanna here. No big, I’m just working in my auto shop of all lady mechanics. Then I’m gonna stomp around in my leather studded jacket and then I’m going to sing about ‘exploding’ in the cutest hard femme outfit you’ve ever seen. Ok byyyyeeeeee.
Ignore the fact that she’s in a room of women decked out in bondage gear. Ignore the fact that she duct tapes a woman’s mouth then kisses the tape where her lips are. Ignore the fact she dry humps a blow-up doll. You’re still left with a song called “S&M,” how would that not make this list?
2. “Pour It Up”
Rihanna enjoys strip clubs. She’s even been known to visit them with her ex, Drake. (More proof Drake is a lesbian, he loves hanging out with his exes). This song reaches a new level of braggadocio, even for Rihanna, with lines such as, “Bandz will make your girl go down.” This video is an homage to the straight up talent these dancers have and how incredibly gay Rihanna can be sometimes.
1. “Te Amo”
When it comes to “Te Amo” we were ON IT like the goddamn New York Times in 2010. This video is her most overtly lesbian with lots of faux making out and even some light choking. You know how sometimes you have a friend that gives you a heavy gay vibe and flirts with you as if that’s a normal thing people do but then when push comes to shove they are like, “I’m gonna back away from this situation slowly, Y U SO GAY THO.” That’s Rihanna in this song and in the video she is nuzzling boobs and grazing another woman’s neck with her lips but then is like NO THANK YOU which is mixed signals if I’ve ever seen them and the woman is like, “Ok, fine then!” BECAUSE CONSENT. If you listen closely you can hear millions of lesbians that this has happened to crying in the background.