Star Trek N00b, Episode 9: Miri (Why Kids Are Great In Horror Movies)

Star Trek N00b_(2)_Rory Midhani_640

Ready to dive in? You can watch along with us here.

Two Earths? It’s SCIENCE!

The Enterprise received an “Earth-style distress signal,” which is just a fancy way of describing “SOS.” The crew is astonished to find a planet that is identical to the planet Earth…it’s even got an oxygen and nitrogen-based atmosphere. How is this duplicate possible? Did someone teleport it here, or is it manmade? Well, I’d love to tell you, but they never really explain it.

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They beam down to a desolate 1960s-era town that looks like it’s been hit by a nuclear bomb. Where my Fallout 3 nerds at!? Welcome to the Capital Wasteland. It’s dangerous out here!

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Bones finds a decrepit bicycle laying on the ground. Suddenly, a ghoulish figures rushes out, tackles Bones, and begs him to fix the bike. Kirk knocks the ghoul out, it starts gibbering, and then it dies.

"What's up, smoothskin?"

“What’s up, smoothskin?”

Bones analyzes the body, explaining that “It aged a century in just the past few minutes!” Sounds like a fad diet gone awry.

They search through the ruins while Spock scans the environment, noting that it’s over 300 years old. I kept worrying that irradiated roaches were going to attack, Fallout style.

That's just how gross Radroaches are.

That’s just how gross Radroaches are.

Revolt Against the Grups

They find a pre-teen girl named Miri, hiding out in a closet. She yells, trying to escape the landing crew, and screaming “I remember things you grups did! Burning, yelling, hurting people!”

Yeah, being trapped in the closet for 300 years must suck.

Yeah, being trapped in the closet for 300 years must suck.

What the hell are grups? Well, if you gotta ask, then you’re not a hip tween anymore. Don’t you even pay attention to SnapApp and Whatschat?

L33t Netspeak in Year 2266 / futuristic 1960s

grups = grownups
onlies = kids
fooley = game

Oh these young’uns…

Miri describes how the grups were responsible for the fall of their civilization, and how children are the only survivors on this planet.

Creepy Children

Spock and the security team searches the ruins. They hear the creepy sound of children taunting them with that “Nya na na na na nya, you can’t catch me” song. All I could think of was Children of the Corn meets Lord of the Flies.

A whole lotta nope.

A whole lotta nope.

The children throw rocks from building roofs, scaring Spock and the security guards back indoors. That’s when Kirk discovers that he’s got doom zombie rash!

Ew, gross!

Ew, gross!

All the adults are coming down with the disease, and Miri informs them that it leads to rage, then death. Gee, thanks for not mentioning that sooner Miri! Luckily, Spock seems immune to the disease.

The landing crew frantically searches through the planet’s research facility. They discover that the grups were trying to create a “life prolongation project.” But they failed miserably, and unleashed a zombie rash plague instead.

Damnit, Grups.

Damnit, Grups.

The Kids Are All Right…In Fact, They’re Geezers

Spock and Bones use their fancy future tech and floppy disks to answer a pressing questions: How does the human race continue for 300 years on a planet without adults?

They avoid any awkward reproduction issues by discovering that 100 years = 1 month for children living on this planet.

But once they hit puberty, the kids start dying of zombie rash!

The crew points out that Miri seems to have this weird crush on Captain Kirk. Instead of getting freaked out, he decided to bat his eyes at Miri to get more information. Ughhhh weird. Spock tells Rand not to worry about how creepy this is, because Miri’s actually 300+ years old! Hmmmm…

Kids living for centuries? Let's ditch Edward on this planet!

Kids living for centuries? Let’s ditch Edward on this planet!

The Lord of the Flies

The computer says that the crew only has seven days until they die of zombie rash. While they try to find an antidote, some kids spy on them.

We're really going for the full WTF factor with these Halloween costumes.

We’re really going for the full WTF factor with these Halloween costumes.

John, an older brat with blond curls, is like the Peter Pan leader of the group. The boys distract the crew, while John sneaks into the lab, stealing all of their communicators.

ALL YOUR CELL PHONES ARE BELONG TO US

ALL YOUR CELL PHONES ARE BELONG TO US

Rand’s Awkward Crush

Tempers are rising in the lab. Kirk’s bitching people out left and right, and he crashes into Rand. She goes full primal, screaming, and running out the door. Kirk rushes after her.

A zombie rash side effect: Mood swings

A zombie rash side effect: Mood swings

The writers keep trying to build sexual tension between Rand and Kirk, but they’re not sure how. Rand flails around, telling Kirk, “Back on the ship, I used to try and get you to look at my legs.”

Kirk looks down and discovers that oh noes, Rand’s got the zombie rash!

What happens if you overuse Nair.

What happens if you overuse Nair.

Miri watches this exchange and gets super jealous. So what does she do? Miri runs to the Children of the Corn to backstab Kirk and his crew! She reports back to John, and the children kidnap (adult-nap?) Rand.

Time to Grow Up

Bones cracks the code and brews up a prototype antidote. But without the communicators, they can’t find out if the antidote is really safe. Spock points out that “it could be a beaker full of death.” The Enterprise needs to scan it with their computers first.

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Kirk rushes off to save Rand, begging Miri for help. He explains that she’ll die of Zombie Rash once she grows up, and that she has to believe him.

This is kinda like the Peter Pan story in reverse — the kids have to believe in grown-up concepts (like Zombie Rash and dwindling food supplies), or else they’re doomed. Miri looks down and discovers that she’s infected. Shit just got real.

And you've got zombie plague.

And you’ve got zombie plague.

Rallying the Youth

Miri and Kirk rush into a classroom, where the kids are holding Rand hostage. Stephen King totally nailed it with Children of the Corn — these brats are dangerous!

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That creepy scene…

The mob descends on Kirk, beating him with sticks and bowling pins and sharp objects.

Why Kirk became a Starfleet Officer and not a teacher.

Why Kirk became a Starfleet Officer and not a teacher.

Kirk screams at the kids, explaining that they’re becoming just like the grups, “yelling, screaming, and hurting.” And that they’ll one day grow up to die of Zombie Rash, just like Miri. The kids shut up and quit attacking.

Kirk's got the conch, let him speak!

Kirk’s got the conch, let him speak!

Trial and Error

Bones gets too impatient and injects himself with the antidote. For a few seconds, Kirk and Spock think that the doctor is about to die. But his zombie rash fades. The vaccine worked — the crew is saved!

The Enterprise jets outta there, leaving the entire planet of children to a Starfleet medical team.

Rand points out to Kirk, “Miri really loved you, you know.”

Kirk responds with “I never get involved with older women, Yeoman.”

And Spock’s like….

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Growing up, I had never watched a Star Trek episode all the way through. My family members weren’t huge sci-fi fans, and they’d flip the channel whenever Star Trek came on. Now I am embarking on an epic nerd rite of passage, chronicling my reactions to every episode of Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS).

Header by Rory Midhani

Queer hapa writer inspired by gadgets. Attending the Ada Developers Academy in the third cohort. Uninterested in quitting her coffee habit. Reads and writes sci-fi and horror. Find her at lorainekv.com or on Twitter.

Loraine has written 33 articles for us.

7 Comments

  1. This episode has always totally wigged me out. Swarms of children are, by definition, terrifying. A bit of casting trivia: Kim Darby (who played Miri) starred in True Grit with John Wayne, and Michael J. Pollard (Jahn) played Bonnie and Clyde’s sidekick, C.W. Moss, in case you’re going crazy trying to figure out where you’ve seen them. Also, two of the little girls in the mob of children were played by William Shatner’s daughters.

    I’m enjoying your recaps, Loraine. The pictures you choose are especially hilarious.

    • You’ve officially blown my mind. I thought Miri looked super familiar – I watched True Grit just a couple of months ago and didn’t make the connection. I look forwarding to seeing who else pops up. And thank you for the kind feedback!

      • I only just saw your comment here–I spaced (as it were) and forgot to come back to see replies. I figure it’s my job as the official Old Person/Original Viewer to give you interesting tidbits and casting notes. Plus it’s fun.

        What did you think of the original True Grit compared to the Coen Bros. remake?

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