“To L and Back” L Word Podcast Episode 312: Left Hand of the Goddess with Kelley “Hot Milk For Tim” Quinn

Hello my fellow terrified human beings who I hope are staying away from other human beings if it is possible for you to do so! Welcome to the GRAND FINALE of Season Three, the perfect transition from Season 3’s hellmouth to Season 4’s complete wackiness and incoherence. We are joined by Kelley Quinn, who you may recognize from the little audition video for Gen Q that could:

This episode has everything: “Pussy 101,” Carmen’s entire family in winter coats, Alice popping pills and f*cking Lara, Shane’s Dad slouching, a winter wonderland Jenny eating sushi in bed with a french girl she just met, Bette confessing she cannot ski moguls, Bette stealing a baby and so much more!

Alice and Lara stand next to each other in their bras, their backs to the camera, in Alice's bedroom. Lara is wearing a nude color bra and Alice a black bra. A song plays, the lyrics say, "She swung her ample ass from left to right."

Close-up shot of Carmen's face looking to her right as she tries on wedding dresses. She says, "What should I do, should I totally, like, try and butch it up in some way?"

Shane (with blonde tips in her hair) is slouched down and looking at her dad (off screen). Her dad says, "So you're a hairdresser at a skateboard shop."

Jenny (wearing a brown sweater and iconic side swoop bangs) sits in the bridal store. Bette is standing behind her in a black jacket. Jenny is talking about when she got married, saying, "I wore a beautiful pair of black converse."

Joyce (wearing a blue pinstripe shirt) sits across a table from Bette (whose back is to the camera) and says to her, "You'll be like a kid in a candy store."

A white square dinner plate featuring tiny carrots and potatoes. Just in frame, Jenny's hand is spelling out "FUC" in tiny potatoes. Off screen, Max's boss's wife says, "I already have the marketecture."

Jenny and Max sit at a dinner table. Jenny says, "I used to masturbate like 20 times a day" while Max looks at her with a "Oh boy, not sure where this is gonna go" look on his face.

Shane (wearing a black jacket, her back to the camera) sits across the table from her step-mom (wearing a gray sweater.) Shane's step-mom says, "I looked at your picture and I said, 'I bet she's gay.'"

An aerial shot of skyscrapers. Offscreen, Alice says, "Because we're going to Canada, people."

Peggy Peabody (wearing an orange sweater under a black fur-lined coat and black gloves) steps out of a stretch limo. She says, "It's freezing..."

Jenny lays on her side in a bed, her hand propping up her head. A brunette woman (who Jenny just met) leans over her, saying in French, "Pourquoi ce n'est pas juste?"

Peggy Peabody is wearing a red sweater and sitting at a table in a dimly lit room. Helena (wearing a black dress and a long gold necklace) has her hand on her mom's shoulder. Peggy says, "Oh my goodness, I had no idea you were such role-playing lesbians."

Max (wearing a striped button-up) sits to the right of Jenny, whose head is turned to look at Max. Little lamps light the dinner table they're sitting at. Max says, "Yeah, Carmen would be really beautiful pregnant."

Shane stands with her arm around Jenny as she watches the raunchy song performance that Carmen has organized for her. The singers, off camera, sing, "Lick it, better lick it right."

Peggy (wearing a red sweater and a pearl necklace) and Helena (wearing a black dress and long gold necklace) stand next to each other as they watch the raunchy song performance. The singers, off screen, sing, "Let your mouth do the talkin' and your tongue do the walkin'"

Famed singers, God-des (who has a shaved head and is wearing a camouflage jacket) and She (who has curly red hair and wearing a black jacket), sing, "Get through the pain if your jaw locks."

A group of Helena, Tina, Max, Shane, and Jenny laugh and watch God-des and She continue their performance. Off camera, they sing, "You gotta be a soldier and don't stop."

She (with red curly hair and a black jacket) and God-dess (with a shaved head and camo jacket) hold microphones and sing, "You want to make sure that you've found the clit."

Carmen (wearing an oversized white button-up shirt) and Shane (wearing a red t-shirt under a black blazer, because of course she is) stand in the doorway of a hotel room." Carmen puts her hand on Shane's shoulder and says, "This one is the exact same way. 2:00 AM."

Alice (wearing a red plaid winter jacket and a brown ear-flap hat) walks next to Marilyn (a woman Alice just met, wearing a red winter jacket and white scarf) walk across a wooden bridge amongst snow-covered evergreen trees. Marilyn says, "You're like Roxanne in 'Cyrano de Bergerac.'"

Alice (wearing a red plaid winter jacket and a brown ear-flap hat) walks next to Marilyn (a woman Alice just met, wearing a red winter jacket and white scarf) on a wooden deck in the forest of snow-covered evergreen trees. Marilyn says, "Oh, she was so free and in her sexual power."

Helena (wearing a red ski jacket, black hat, and ski goggles) and Bette (wearing a blue and white ski jacket, hat, and goggles) on a chairlift. Bette is listening to her voicemail and says, "Shit, shit, shit!"

Marilyn (wearing a black blazer, her brown hair tied back) stands in front of a window and a vase of very tall white roses. She is looking incredulously at Peggy, whose back is to the camera. Peggy says to her, "1974."

Henry (wearing a shirt and tie under a black jacket) and Tina (wearing a furry black jacket) sit in a twinkly-light lit tent for Carmen and Shane's wedding ceremony. Henry looks up at Bette (who is off screen) and says, "You don't have a leg to stand on."

Peggy (wearing a black jacket) and Helena (wearing a white top under a tan jacket) sit in tent for Carmen and Shane's wedding. Tina and Henry, and other guest, are sitting behind them. Peggy says, "God."

Jenny (wearing a mustard yellow dress) stands next to the Canadian woman she met at the hotel (who has long brown hair and is wearing a black dress). Jenny says, "I want to get really drunk."

Lara (wearing a white puffy coat and a tan hat) and Alice (wearing a black jacket and red scarf) sit on a bench in front of a big room with tons of twinkly lights hanging from the ceiling. Alice says, "We're -- we're just playing."

Peggy (wearing a black jacket) looks at Helena (off screen) and says, "I'm going to do something truly radical."

A zoomed-in shot of Helena and Alice's faces. Over top of their faces is a mapping of The Chart.

Tina and Henry are in a hotel room. Tina is talking angrily on her cell phone, leaving a voicemail for Bette. Tina says, "This is not your night with Angelica." A very dark image in which Angelica and Bette are barely visible. The subtitles read, "Fussing," referring to Angelica.

Another very dark image of Bette and Angelica. Bette is saying to Angie, "It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine."

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2842 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. This podcast is just what I needed today so thank you for making Mondays great!

    Also on a related note the only thing I know about Eric Roberts besides Julia, is he’s the father of Emma Roberts who was on American Horror Story with Sarah Paulson.

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!