Tila Tequila Taking a Shot at Lesbian Marriage with Heiress Girlfriend

tila-johnsonTILA: Tila announced to her fans that she and her girlfriend, Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, are tying the knot, announcing on her UStream vlog: “This is exclusive and going to be all over the news tomorrow … tonight, my girlfriend has asked me to marry her!”

She must’ve just visited Alice in Lesbo-Land, because she knows all the lingo and has announced, “We’re what you call U-Haul lesbians, where you meet and fall in love and move in the next day and have kids.” No word regarding if Tila does or does not know about Prop 8, DOMA, and other legislation preventing her from actually getting married. Maybe she can get her MySpace friends to um, get some laws changed!

LOHAN: Once again, we must cut through the riff-raff surrounding our misunderstood imaginary friend Lindsay Lohan, who has been headlined as sending a “flirty” twitter message to Jessica Alba’s husband “An hour after Cash, 30, commented on a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game on Friday night, Lindsay wrote him a message.” What was this message?rumors-lindsay

‘Are you at game too? Watching it, wishing I went!’

HELLO MAYBE LINDSAY JUST LIKES BASKETBALL, but I don’t think that shit is flirting. No but really, maybe she’s just lonely and wants attention and her life sucks right now and she doesn’t know what to say or do when she’s alone and not in front of people, because someone has to hear the treegirl falling in the woods.

Also, I think it’s funny that LiLo’s alleged romance wish Cash is based on “unconfirmed reports” that they “separately left an office building possibly after a meeting” and US Weekly‘s “alleged” report that the duo kissed at Hollywood nightclub Villa, and that a day after exchanging tweets about an upcoming project, “reportedly ‘ignored friends and just chatted’ for half an hour in the club before allegedly getting closer,” according to… nobody? Also, pal apparently told Us: ‘Lindsay becomes easily attached to everyone she meets and gets close to.’  Even if that last part is true (and it very well may be) it’s hardly the subject of a gossip column, it’s just sort of sad and I mean that in the most empathetic way possible.

The only confirmed quote in this entire freaking article is, Lindsay saying: ‘That is absurd. He is married. I wouldn’t dare kiss him.”

But really he most disturbing part of this article is the last part, claiming that “Jessica is currently filming the Meet The Fockers sequel in LA.” Another? Really? That’s what the world needs right now.

RACHEL: Rachel Maddow got wasted with Jimmy Fallon before kicking Rich Cohen’s ass. She really can do everything!

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: The Boss has spoken out in favor of gay marriage! I urge those who support equal treatment for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters to let their voices be heard now. alex_marissa_OC

MALEX: Mischa Barton on her many lesbian roles: “It’s so much easier to kiss another girl. You’re so much more relaxed filming and you can have a laugh. It can get a bit tense with a guy.”

ELLEN VON UNWERTH: An interview with our second-favorite photographer of all time, Ellen Von Unwerth. (@dazeddigital)

THREE RIVERS: A little late to the game, but a cute writeup about Kate Moennig on Three Rivers: “I purposely took this job to get far away from Shane. I’d like to believe that within time, the proof will be in the pudding, and they’ll be able to see the difference and accept it.” (@whirl)

THEATRE: A review of “She Likes Girls” at The New York Times: The good: “Ms. Hutchinson, who has a sharp ear for dialogue (most of her best lines can’t be printed here), gets many things right.” The Bad: “It’s a tidy downbeat ribbon tied around the messy particulars of a life that Ms. Hutchinson has entered into so imaginatively. Bang, bang. Play over.” The Ugly: “a health teacher’s lecture involving a banana and a condom”

VAMPIRES: “True Blood” gets a ‘possible lesbian relationship’ (@rabid doll)

SANTA CLAUS: Focus on the Family is furious about “Santa Claus is Coming Out” – a) This play sounds hilarious and awesome “By using an imaginary icon, we can explore how people would react if a real superstar, such as a politician, athlete, or leading man in Hollywood came out of the closet. Given the stereotypes and prejudice against GLBT people, this is a legitimate subject well worth exploring.” b) Why is a Christian group so worried about Santa Claus? He’s not the reason for the season, y’all.(@fncp

RIHANNA: Rihanna wants to be a Lesbian Vampire Killer“I’d love to be an assassin. Either that or a lesbian. Maybe both! Hey, a gay assassin, there’s nothing hotter than that. Megan Fox would play my girlfriend – hands down. She’s yummy. She’s hot. All humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl.” (@411mania)

BIG SCARY SEX: The title of this article is “Let the Fisting Begin.” I am not making this up“[Hollywood’s] sauntered so far down the “freaky sex dungeon” trail that “fisting” has literally been left in the rearview mirror as mere child’s play.” (@big hollywood)

And ladies, don’t forget that Better Off Ted premieres tonight at 9:30 on ABC!

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2822 articles for us.

58 Comments

  1. SO MANY THOUGHTS/FEELINGS:

    1. Is Tila dating Courtney Love? That person looks like a semi-melted wax model of Love from ten years ago that Tila is propping up on her shoulder.
    2. Lindsay is so misundaztood!
    3. I miss The OC, the good ol’ days. :(
    4. TRUE BLOOD TRUE BLOOD TRUE BLOOD I hate winter for many reasons, one being there is no True Blood.

    • 1. YES. (Although, I have to say, even a semi-melted wax model of Love could do better. Kurt Cobain has been a confusing figure in my life for many years. Maybe I’ll just marry his daughter. We’re the same age and she’s cute. Except that would almost make me related to Tequila.. which again might me kind of Awesome.)

      • I feel the same way about both Kurt Cobain and his daughter!
        I went through a Nirvana stage in middle school (I still love them obvs) and now I’m like “oh his daughter is so cute and says funny/sarcastic/dark things on twitter!”

  2. Just when I think I could not possibly love Bruce Springsteen more than I do, he goes and puts that on his website. The boss is just so fucking cool. And any morning that starts with a Bruce Springsteen shout out on Autostraddle is a good morning.

    • THIS. I love Bruce Springsteen so much. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many of the most talented entertainers are outspoken liberals. I know Springsteen, Jackson Browne, and Heart have all fought back against conservative politicians using their music at rallies. Who do they have? Hank Williams, Jr. and not a whole lot else. We even have country music’s best — the Dixie Chicks!

      I think it’s so funny/ignorant/hypocritical when ultra-conservative people are huge fans of such ardent equality supporters. I wanna screenprint a bunch of a t-shirts that say “YOUR HEROES HATE YOU” and start a movement of handing them out at conservative conventions. (If you feel ashamed to admit your position, if the people you love are disgusted by you, if your priorities center around hate and not love… maybe you should reevaluate your belief system!)

    • OMG I went and read the comments on the fisting article:

      “The other day I posted about how homosexuals commit 30% of child molestations and people asked for my source. What I did was looked at crime stats from different states….Considering very few women actually molest children, most is done by men. Then consider the number of male children molested. But it is always better to use real stats…

      But in my opinion there are no such things as homosexuals. There is normal sexuality, defined by our Creator, and perversion. And this is seen in reality. Homosexuals do not restrict themselves to sex with just men. These perverts will do any act with any object.”

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  4. Ah, I have lots of thoughts as well.
    Yippee! Okay, here goes:

    1. Lmao @ Tila using the term “U-haul”, she HAS been studying, which only makes me further believe that this is at least part-gimmick. I just cannot take her seriously, maybe it’s her grammar? Or her lack of self respect? Ah, weird combination of the two?
    2. I totally think they’re making that LiLo bull up, they have NO evidence. Look at how many “allegedly”s they used. Sheesh! Keep pushing, Lohan.
    3. Yay, Bruce Springsteen!
    4. Don’t worry, Mischa, I like to kiss girls too.
    5. Does it make any sense that I put my fingers in my ears while going “lalalalala” while reading Kate Moennig’s quote? Shane forever, damnit!
    6. I want gay Santa, now.
    7. Did Rihanna just come out of the bi closet in some weird twisted, stand-twelve-feet-away-from-me way? I don’t know if I should be scared or joyed. I don’t like her that much…
    8. Omgizzle, fisting?!

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  6. I hope this is Rhianna coming out. Ever since umbrella I’ve loved her.
    Also, I used to be a huge non-fan of the “everybody’s attracted to both argument” but recently the subject’s been coming up alot in my different circles of friends (mostly straight girls&guys, and gay guys) and alot of the girls have been saying that they’d fall somewhere that isn’t 1 on the Kinsey scale. But guys I’ve talked to say they’re on the far ends of the scale.

    Related to this: I think facebook should have a scale option as opposed to “Atracted to”. %75 of the girls I have on facebook have nothing written down and I’m getting confused.

  7. I have SO MANY FEELINGS about this post.
    My number one feeling of course is…Rihanna where have you been all my life?!?!
    I love her so much. She can be my gay assassin any day,every day, forever and ever. Bah!
    Also I thought Tila could maybe perhaps one day be ok and not so annoying/crazy but I’m pretty sure that’s never going to happen.
    I still have hope for Linday though! LiLo and Sam forevs.

  8. I knew it! I totally saw Santa at the Leather Pride booth at last year’s parade!

    And why can’t we all just cheer for Lindsey to be happy? And why can’t she stop doing creepy photo shoots that just make everyone more susceptible to believing rumors instead of counting the number of times “allegedly” and other such synonyms for “we’re making this sh*t up” are used and laughing? Sigh.

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  10. Maybe someone can make a movie where Rihanna the gay assassin can take care of Tila Tequila before things get out of hand and the soundtrack is filled with Bruce Springsteen. I’m not sure where the fisting will come into play, but we will definitely make it work.

  11. Pingback: About tila tequila casey johnson engaged, tila tequila & casey johnson, tila tequila engaged, heiress casey | Find me About

  12. Rihanna just called Megan fox yummy omg yes!i can totally picture them perfoming a hot session of digital intercourse…
    this made my day, i got to see a picture of Olivia Wilde without looking for it..its faith i tell you
    And as for Tila Tequila – i dont even know what to say, and i refuse to waste any energy on her…what’s her name anyways?
    .
    .
    .
    Kate will always be my Shane….Like in three rivers , She was Shane,she just went to medical school after Jenny died, changed her name and grew her hair (she joined the witness protection program because Ilene Chaiken was gonna kill her next) and became Miranda. but now she might have to move again cause IFC is getting close

  13. I think the Uganda parliament is going to drop the death penalty and life imprisonment sentence from the anti-gay legislation. They will still keep the forced “therapeutic” sessions, but that’s a far cry from what humanity may have dodged.

  14. OKAY,
    1. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT TILA TEQUILA AND HER LIVE BRATZ DOLL.
    2. I REALLY CAN’T WAIT FOR LI.LO TO DO SOMETHING FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC AND WATCH HOW EVERYBODY JUMPS ON HER SHIT AGAIN.
    3. KATE (I’M NOT GONNA CALL YOU SHANE…PROMISE), STOP FIGHTING IT AND JUST DO WHAT YOU DO BEST WHICH IS THE REASON WHY WE ALL (LOVE) YOU. PLAY GAY GODDAMMIT.
    4.I DON’T KNOW IF SHE WAS GENUINE OR NOT (ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS WAS FOND OF RIHANNA AND THAT USUALLY HAPPENS WHEN I FEEL SOMEONE IS GAY/BI), BUT JUST THE IMAGE OF RIHANNA/MEGAN FOX SENT ME TO THE MOON… BACK IN BIT!!!

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