This Changed My Life is an ode to the small, seemingly chill purchases bought by Autostraddle writers and editors this year that made our lives infinitely better. Did these items LITERALLY CHANGE OUR LIFE? No, we’re being gay and dramatic. But perhaps a pair of sunglasses really did change your life — who are we to judge?
Now, I’m almost positive this was an experience I did not pay for, though to be completely frank, I’m feeling a little confused and delirious as I write this and don’t think I’ve managed to blink in at least three hours. But regardless of whether I purchased this or not, I feel confident claiming that this zombie bite did indeed change my life and therefore qualifies for
AutoUndeadstraddle’s This Changed My Life series, which I once wrote about a human coffee machine for. The good news about being bitten by a zombie? I apparently don’t need to drink coffee anymore! Actually, I don’t even need to sleep anymore! Thank you to this zombie virus for curing me of my caffeine addiction.
Ever since the early evening when I managed to triumphantly stab a zombie during an apocalyptic squabble in an abandoned warehouse but didn’t see there was another zombie behind me who had gotten its nasty little chompers on the flesh of my shoulder, I’ve been seeing things differently. Literally. My vision is blurry and desaturated. The people I used to know very well now don’t look familiar at all. In fact, they look a little bit like food?
I’m grateful to the zombie community for welcoming me with literal outstretched arms. I’d be nowhere without the supportive grunts and moans of my community, who really get me, you know? Like, the other night, a group of us stumbled into an abandoned karaoke bar that I vaguely remember from my life pre-zombie bite ARRRRRRR HSSSSS — sorry, I’m not sure why I typed that — and after we made sure to bite any other humans we came across (which, honestly, you’re welcome, now you get to be a part of this rad community, too) we had a grand old time. And no, we did not sing “Zombie” by The Cranberries; it’s offensive that you would even joke about such a thing. (We sang “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi, and we more so incoherently shrieked it than sang it.)
Being bitten by a zombie means no longer having to wear sunscreen or fuss with expensive skincare products. I love my skin the way it is: graying and decaying! There’s so much freedom that comes with a zombie bite. I’m pretty sure I’ll never have to go to work again! And there’s sooooooo little drama to worry about. I basically just need to make sure no one beheads me. Other than that, I’m chilling! Again, I mean that literally. My body is quite cold to the touch. But hey, I’m saving money on my electric bill by not needing to run the air conditioning anymore!
So anyway, I highly recommend going out there and getting bit by a zombie. I can even hook you up! Just swing on by and ARRRRRRRR ARGH HSSSSSS ARRRR RAHHHHHH ARRRRR RRRRRRR BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ARRRRR ARGH HSSSSSS AWERRRRRRRRR BARRRRRRRRRHSSSSS RAHHHHHHHHHHHS ARRRRR ERFFFFFF ARARRRR.