Welcome to the tenth recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about speaking the language of the manatees, high-stakes lesbian poker, pounding painkillers while your boss does a chemical peel, having sex with vampires, the bitter rivalry between a queer cafe noted for its Pear Polenta Tart and a nightclub with bubble chairs, brownies that might be gay, horse girls, a hybrid skate park/hair salon that also sold vests to gig in, men named Tom, installation art about core values, a philandering self-help guru peddling T.O.E., Eros the Bittersweet, the Lez Girls negative and the world’s most iconic garbage bag dress.
My friends, we have at last come to this Generation Q recap of Episode 310, “Looking Ahead,” the final episode of the season but also possibly the final episode of the entire series if the show is cancelled. “Looking Ahead” marked Leisha Hailey’s directorial debut and she killed it — you could feel her touch in so many of the more subtle cute friendship moments and comedic beats throughout the episode.
I did enjoy so much of this episode! But there were two storylines in this episode that I HATED and I bet you can guess what they were!
Usually I write these recaps beat by beat, not spoiling what comes next in my descriptions of what came first. Today I’m gonna be doing things a little differently — my recap of each scene will take into account what I already know from seeing the whole thing. Because I can’t figure out how to say what I need to say if I save every piece of commentary I possess until the entire storyline has played out!
We open on the most important moment in a young woman’s life: Bette and Tina’s wedding day. Faced with an artificial time constraint of one (1) week in which to coordinate the whole kit and kaboodle, our affluent couple has elected to make their dreams work through teamwork! Also, someone hired a crew of dapper gay minions right out of the Hedley & Bennet catalog. Luckily Alice totally knows what she’s doing:
Currently, Alice is unable to locate the wedding planner! This is because Shane located Kimmy the wedding planner and then located her clitoris and yep, Shane and Kimmy are delivering Lesbian Sexy Moment #7 because let’s not waste any time we’re all gonna die one day and what’s a little bumper.
Honestly pleased to have any sex scene at all, but it would’ve been a much richer story if Shane’s sex scene this episode had been with a former flame who’d been invited to the wedding — a narrative could’ve been quickly concocted to justify the invitation of someone like Molly or Quiara or Ivy or even Nikki Stevens (who perhaps is currently starring in Tina’s show Murdoch Mysteries).
Other sex scenes that could’ve happened this episode with already-present characters to provide heat as well as story:
- Dani and Roxy
- Sophie and Finley
- Sophie and Pippa
- Alice and Tasha
- Bette and Tina, because after all it is their actual wedding day
Elsewhere in this expansive wedding estate, Bette Porter is improbably applying her own makeup for a special event while Tina boils beneath her silk shirt like a slab of fresh meat on a charcoal grill. Bette suggests Tina could possibly be having a hot flash but Tina disagrees!
Alice drops in to announce that the cake is here and therefore her job is done and also to receive compliments on her dress which I would like to personally echo:
But Bette and Tina remind Alice that getting alcohol was also Alice’s job and while Tina continues obsessing about the temperature, Alice and Bette lip sync for their lives about whether or not Alice was ever truly assigned alcohol and the importance of her acquiring some regardless.
Thus Alice finds Shane roaming the festival grounds while re-dressing herself and says the only solution to this alcohol problem — despite all of us living in a world dotted with BevMos and Costcos and Hi-Los — is for Shane to call Tess. Also, Shane’s only duty for the wedding was “doing their hair” but Alice quickly observes that Alice not only did their hair but also very clearly did the wedding planner.
So we cut to hungover Tess in her shades with her Gatorade, creeping into the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern like a celebrity on a downward spiral.
Finley bops in and announces that she’s moved into a roach-infested sublet with a non-functional stove, which inspires Tess to realize she’s gotta get all new furniture for her apartment, a realization which sends her into an immediate tizzy.
Finley embraces Tess and is like fuck shane and Tess is like you don’t have to say that, I know that you love her and Finley is like no i love you and then ring-a-ling it’s Shane on the horn!
Back at Bette and Tina: Endgame Infinity War, Dani and Sophie are looking absolutely smashing and Sophie questions Dani’s choice to “ghost” Dre following Dre’s Love Confession, which’s confusing ’cause Dre was the one who told Dani they wanted to call it off? Was that just a move or am I simply failing to understand this order of events ’cause Dre severing the relationship on account of Dani not being ready to say “I love you” after two weeks didn’t make sense to begin with?
Anyhow! It turns out this extraordinary venue has been brought to you by the apparently wealthy family of Roxy! I’m pleased to see Roxy ’cause she’s hot and also it’s always thrilling when something from a prior episode remains relevant in a later episode. However, I’m displeased to hear the nickname “D-Bag” uttered aloud again, as linguistically it resides far too close to “douchebag” for my comfort.
We lay the seeds for the night’s chaos: Sophie’s looking to get laid and hasn’t spoken to Alice since pulling off the finale coup. Roxy’s got molly for Dani who claims molly “doesn’t work on her.” So it’s definitely gonna work on her. So excited for the love triangle between Roxy, Dani and Molly!
Elsewhere on Roxy’s Prodigious Family Estate, Bette’s found a solution to Tina turning into a one-woman space heater: the walk-in fridge! We then receive the reckoning with the past I’ve personally been craving — they were indeed previously married, just as I noted in last week’s recap despite it not being mentioned all season! Anyhow, I guess their first wedding was a City Hall affair. This time’s different. It’s for their friends and by “their friends” they mean “us.’
Tina: “They have been on this very long journey with us and I want them to see us happy, like this.”
Bette: “Okay, when you put it that way — okay yes. I want that for them too.”
Now that Tina’s cooled off and is ready to exit, they reach for the door only to have it break off in their hands, just like hope itself. Now they’re stuck, so
Back on the festival grounds, Alice is thanking G-d for Tess while I am preemptively cursing G-d for putting Tess in this episode at all if they were gonna do her so dirty! Sophie approaches Alice for a little chat and it’s pretty funny and cute — Alice is a little irked but the network loved the finale and they wanna promote Sophie! Sophie nudges her, “are we good?” and Alice nudges back and I love this for them.
Alice spots someone she knows and dashes while Sophie keeps talking until she realizes she’s simply talking to herself but it turns out someone at this party was listening, and it’s not the U.S. government:
It’s Pippa! She’s back, I’m so surprised and excited!!! Pippa tells Sophie that her goal of getting laid at a wedding is achievable but before we can get into why that goal will be achieved with Pippa specifically, Finley rolls up with a box of alcohol and an interest in getting her toaster back, although ownership of the toaster is contentious.
Sophie and Finley are low-level flirty with each other in that way you can’t help being when you’ve never been any other way for so long — but it feels here and throughout the episode like there’s more distance between them than there ought to be, and while I’m proud of Finley for moving on it feels a little too easy. I adore the Pippa/Sophie ship, but I also wish we’d gotten more time with these two and I don’t think their story is over unless of course this show is cancelled.
We then return to SoMiMar’s where a vat of sperm has arrived. “Can you believe that? It goes from a canister to a baby in nine months?” Micah asks.
“I cannot,” I yell at the skies. “Because with at at-home insemination there is only a 10%-15% chance of this sperm becoming an actual fetus, let alone an actual baby!”
Maribel and Micah are fantasizing about their future with the un-conceived baby they are 100% certain will be hatched out of this sperm no problem, and Micah extracts the sperm from the tank like it’s a bottle of sunscreen they just ordered from Amazon Prime. Is Maribel ovulating? Are they doing this right here right now in the dining room?
All of that aside, the warmth and humor between these two in this scene is so delightful, especially considering what comes next.
Micah opens the insemination kit with wonder and confusion, an emotion I relate to because I am confused why they haven’t been briefed on this process prior to the kit’s arrival and gone over it with their doctor.
We then return to the resplendent grounds of this magical vista hosting Bette and Tina: The Fate of the Furious. Tess is smoldering around the bar dressed like Jessica Rabbit in winter. Shane apologizes for calling her in last minute. Tess says she’s happy to help. Sexual tension simmers. Tess smiles. Shane tentatively compliments her.
“You clean up nice,” Tess tells her.
“You always clean up nice,” Shane says. Okay Scrub Daddy!
Once Shane’s a safe distance away, Tess dips beneath the bar to chug a mini-bottle of wine, catching the attention of a man I can best describe as Clark Kent’s body double from The CW’s Smallville.
Tess seduces this former Abercombie & Fitch model into taking her to his car to consume a truly wild amount of cocaine. Apparently a cute Alice/Shane scene was cut from the episode and yet this scene for some reason exists! Furthermore, episode stills suggest a Finley/Dani/Roxy scene was also filmed but eliminated from the final cut! And yet!
Unfortunately I am once again finding myself praying for a merciful release from my mortal coils.
Back at Walk in Fridge: Escape Room Edition, I’m having flashbacks to pounding cannolli cream from a tube in the walk-in at the Macaroni Grill while waiting for the sweat in the armpits of my white oxford uniform shirt to dry. Was I ever so young???
Bette’s prepared Tina a small charcuterie board but Tina’s not excited about this opportunity to explore the world’s mot valuable culinary art. (Charcuterie boards.) Bette’s posi vibes are bringing Tina down! But before we can dive to deeply into that, look who’s here: it’s Shane and Alice!
But when Shane and Alice try to open the door, they somehow break the outside door handle? This is not how walk-in freezer handles work but regardless, they disregard the idea to break the window with a mallet, like Thor of Asgard or simply a handy dyke would’ve done in a heartbeat, and instead they’re gonna call this season’s hottest number: 911.
“Fire department” is absolutely not the correct fix here and there’s a 0% chance the fire department would intervene in this case, but am allowing it because Tasha is in the fire department.
Meanwhile, Tina’s at a breaking point with The New Bette Porter — and what ensues feels so real and touching:
Tina: “I just hate your positivity! Don’t be so positive right now.”
Bette: “Do you want me to say it’s a disaster? Of course it’s a disaster. We’re stuck in a fridge on our wedding day. But you know what I’m not gonna do? I’m not gonna start yelling about it.”
Tina: “Well why not? That would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do!”
Bette: “Because I have tried really hard to quiet those parts of me so I wouldn’t hurt you and I am afraid that if I let them out and then I won’t be able to shut them back inside.”
Tina assures Bette that just like all of us at home, she loves the part of Bette that yells at motorists and board members and senators and Jenny Schecter! She loves the part of Bette who famously screams her very own name (Tina) into the void! Because she loves every part of Bette!
So, when the fire department delivers a vague timeline on when they can make it to the Resplendent Wedding Venue, Bette reaches deep inside herself and lets it rip:
Bette: ALICE! CALL TASHA RIGHT NOW AND GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO MARRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TODAY IF IT’S THE LAST FUCKING THING I DO!
Tina is smitten. I tear up. I love this for everyone involved, but especially me because I also want Alice to call Tasha right now! Except for different reasons. (So they can be together forever)