Hello and welcome to the fifth recap of the first season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you The L Word, a breathtaking television program about a wealthy but temporarily disinherited British heiress sent to jail for stealing money from the ex-girlfriend who’d gotten her embroiled in a lifestyle of high stakes poker and horse betting that drove her further into debt without any opportunity for profit. Also, she was hot.
We open on one singular nipple belonging to one singular Shane McCutcheon, and then we scroll up the length of her whole body along with Quiara’s mouth and silver-manicured nails as Shane slowly rouses from deep slumber into the open arms of her beloved yet estranged wife, Quiara!
Lesbian Sexy Moment #12: Nipple Confidence
The Players: Shane and Quiara
The Pick-Up: “You kept it” (re: Shane’s wedding ring)
Hot or Not? When Shane slips inside her and Quiara gasps and Shane goes “I missed you” by which she means “I missed being inside you,” hot! Shane and Quiara as people? Hot. But then Shane says “I signed those divorce papers” and Quiara’s like “oh sorry about that” and then she’s like “btw I’m pregnant” and then I think Shane dries up like a dolphin in the desert.
We then cut to credits for a song that includes the line “I’m gonna be the Kit to your Kat,” which I find offensive to both Kit Porter and to our beloved Billie Blakie, former emcee of the Kit-Kat Klub in Berlin. Then we return to Shane’s boudoir where it is, by the way, dawn? These lesbians get up to FEED THE CHICKENS.
Lesbian Squabble #13: Breaking Dawn Part One
In The Ring: Shane vs. Quiara
Content: Shane immediately ejects herself from Quiara’s upcoming birth canal and broods on the side of the bed before getting up to put on a full white button-up shirt in her own home. She’s curious when Quiara was gonna tell her (now?) and also how she got pregnant (a donor, obvs!).
Quiara: “I’m not asking you to be a parent. It’s my dream. Not yours. All I’m asking is for you to be my partner.”
Shane: “Well then tell me what that looks like!”
Quiara: “Well we’ve never been traditional about anything, right? Because I see you. I know you. I know your heart. I don’t wanna go through this world without you.”
Shane: “Jesus, Q, not today.”
Quiara approaches Shane and says, “it’s me, remember,” and then tenderly holds her face and says, “you don’t scare me.” The last person who said that to Shane APPARENTLY DIED BY SUICIDE IN BETTE PORTER’S POOL, so. Shane grabs Quiara’s hair and says, “you scare me.”
Who Wins? Fear itself.
Cut to a perfectly traditional morning in a perfectly traditional household wherein Alice and Nat are waking up and having a low-volume conversation to establish that Nat is okay and that Alice is good oh but also…
Then the kiddos knock on the door and everybody’s thrust into A FULL PANIC, lest a child weasel their way into this polyamorous bedroom and win the Guiness World Record for earliest aneurysm. Lock the door CAN GIGI LOCK THE DOOR How is the door not already locked! WE CANNOT LET THE KIDS SEE THIS yes of course GIGI HAS TO PICK THEM UP FOR THEIR PLAYDATE IN 5 MINUTES Oh god WEARING THAT yes it will be a very short walk of shame HERE WEAR THIS that really? that? DID ELI FINISH HIS BOOK REPORT?? Yeah “Smokey Came Home” except btw Smokey didn’t come home…
It’s very slapstick and funny and everybody’s comedic timing is aces.
Alice finds cake. Gigi’s gonna go back around the house and ring the doorbell if somebody could just crush up some asprin in her coffee ’cause she’s fucking dying? Then Nat says “We need to talk about last night” at the same moment that Alice says “I had the best time last night” and this conflicting review of the prior night’s activities — which I think we can all agree was decidedly The Best — takes them both very extremely a lot off-guard — Alice because Nat started it and sure seemed to be having fun, Nat because of reasons she cannot get into whilst that child is still screaming and Alice is still eating cake!
Cut to the Los Angeles School of Enriched Studies, where Angelica has managed to become involved in some aspect of the school play in her short time as an enrolled student and Bette would like to attend and Angie would rather she not because it’s embarrassing.
Felicity calls — Angie maybe sees it, or sees enough to know it’s not work. Jordi says her parents were gonna come to the theatre, but aren’t coming, and it’s fine (it’s not fine!). A few seconds after getting out of the car Angie texts Mama B – “K fine u can come. But not for me. For her :-)” Bette smiles, knowing the best way to your teenage daughter’s heart is through her crush’s endless void of unfulfilled parental love. “Shut up Kiss Me” by Angel Olsen starts playing and will continue to as we…
Cut to Kit + Denny’s New Age Lesbian Bar (Yes I have re-named it to honor Kit, Dana and Jenny, who were all famous and are all dead), where Tess is surveying the mild level of damage from last night’s blowout. Tess calls her sponsor.
Tess just came from a meeting and wants a drink — her sponsor suggests taking it “one day at a time” or helping someone ’cause there’s always someone who needs help. Good news: Finley’s passed out in the backroom!
Get in, says Tess. We’re going to have the best hangover food in town!
Over at Bette 2020 HQ, the girls are cold-calling voters to implore them to choose to be gay in 2020 by electing Bette Porter. (Have you picked up your Bette Porter 2020 Tee?) Alice announces to her dearest friends that last evening she engaged in a threesome.
“With Nat’s ex-wife?” They ask.
“Have you seen her?” Alice counters.
They acknowledge this strong point.
Shane: So you’re a thruple now?
Bette: Wait wait what are you saying?
Alice + Shane: Thruple.
Shane: It’s a couple plus one.
Alice: You know, throuple is such a dumb word. It’s like we never get any good words. Vulva, labia, throuple —
Shane immediately upstages Alice with the announcement that Quiara’s got a surprise bun in her oven! Shane’s unsure of her best option at this juncture, as she’s made it clear she’s uninterested in raising children and it feels weird to just be married to Quiara while she raises them sans support (“Oh! I think that’s what I do” – Alice).
Bette and Shane commiserate over the pain of aging, a process which requires humans to weigh the consequences of their actions rather than just, you know, leaving Carmen at the altar and going on a coke binge with your former secret affair society wife, leaving your keys in a bowl of lemons and then smashing a car into a highway overpass. Also, Shane dons a Southern accent to convince people to vote for Bette Porter. I hope she accidentally calls Paige.
Cut to DaSoMi’s chateau of on-and-off-love, where Sophie’s chilling with Maribel when Dani shows up with a package from Dad that apparently recently landed on their doorstep — it’s chocolates and a pre-nuptial agreement! Dani is horrified by this. Dad casually shooting over a pre-nup is Fucked Up, but the concept of a pre-nup is actually a really great one and they should have one! Sophie takes it on the chin, refuses the chocolates, and says she’ll just sign it. “All I wanna do is marry you and have like nine kids with you,” Sophie explains to her furious fiancee, “and if signing this stupid thing is gonna make your Dad happy, I’ll sign it. If that means I’ll get to have you.” I love this for them.
This scene is interrupted by the intrusion of another scene — Micah walking Jose out after they were doing LORD KNOWS WHAT upstairs, chatting about Jose wanting his art to get placed at a show. “You’re so cute,” Jose says. “I love you.” OOPS!!!!!!!
Jose dips out and the girls in the living room crack up. “It was an error!” Micah insists. But before anybody can get too jolly about love and its assorted slings and arrows, Maribel, who’s an immigration attorney, isn’t sure-sure but is pretty sure she’s found a pretty icky clause in this pre-nup: if Sophie births any of their nine children, they won’t be entitled to Dani’s family’s money, but if Dani pops ’em out of her very own vagina, they will be blessed with the family dollar. YIKES RODOLFO. YIKES.
Cut to the Best Hangover Food in The City Cafe, where Finley’s relaying her memory of last night: minimal, but she thinks she might owe Rebecca an apology for something? Tess relates, as the majority of her twenties are also a blackout blur, and that’s why she’s been sober for two years ’cause she wanted to remember stuff / feel again.
Tess reveals that today’s a harder day than other’s ’cause her and Lena broke up. Finley starts to feel the hurt and devastation embodied in every stab of Tess’s fork and endearingly retreats — you see, I don’t wanna FEEL ALL THAT. Tess laughs: Neither do I! So Finley changes course and we get some backstory: Tess grew up in Vegas! Her Mom was a showgirl! Finley guesses that Tess’s Mom was probably hot.
Back at Natalice’s, the three gal pals are dealing with the aftermath of participating in the series’ hottest sex scene thus far. Nat, in what is clearly a personal attack on me, thinks they had a threesome and should “leave it at that.” Alice wonders if maybe they should consider … doing it again? THANK YOU ALICE. Although also: this is incredibly fucking complicated and if they want it to work they’ll all have to communicate A LOT! Good thing Nat is a therapist.
Gigi notes that their dear friends Matt and Amir sometimes add a side of Nick when they play hide the salami. Nat has had enough because Gigi is her ex-wife and she loves Alice and doesn’t want anything to get in the way of what Nat and Alice have. Which brings us to…
Lesbian Squabble #14: Three’s Company
In The Ring: Nat vs. Gigi with a side of Alice
Content: Nat’s concerned that Gigi’s just angling to get in the way of her VERY GREAT and totally thriving relationship with Alice. But, after those two years it took Gigi and Nat to re-establish a relationship, Gigi would never risk losing Nat again. “You didn’t lose me,” Nat firmly corrects her. “You cheated on me. BIG DIFFERENCE.” And Gigi is so sorry so so so so sorry! “This was a mistake,” says Nat.
Nat: This is so messy.
Gigi: It doesn’t have to be.
Nat: You really hurt me.
Gigi: I know.
Nat: And I loved you so much.
Gigi: I loved you too.
Nat: And I never thought that I was gonna get over you and then I found someone. And I found someone really great! And somehow, you’re still here. So how is it that you get to fuck everything up and still have everything? Always?
Ooof. I know that feeling. That even if it feels okay and she wants it, Gigi hurt her so profoundly that it’ll be nearly impossible for her to reconcile Gigi getting anything back that she so recklessly betrayed in the past. Gigi says she’ll do anything Nat wants. She’ll leave. Should she leave? She starts to leave. “No,” Nat stops her. Alice says she’s good if Nat’s good. They all hold hands. It’s time for that glass of wine.
Who Wins? Me!