State of the Union Liveblog from a Stoned Gay Foreigner

HI EVERYBODY! I’m not from this land, I still don’t really understand what an “electoral college” is or how things work really but I’m gonna watch the State of the Union address and talk about it! Imagine you’re having a beer on the couch with me right now because you are. Let’s do this thing.

6:01 – I have no idea what any of these channels are. My roommates and I only have bunny ears and I’ve never actually used this tv. I just figured out that in order for the tv to turn on, the LAMP has to be on. I’m watching a channel called KRON4, which sounds like a planet in Star Trek. Nothing is making any sense.

The two KRON anchorwomen are talking about how important it is that the Republicans and Democrats are going to sit near each other. People keep talking about that and it feels like the sandbox has come full circle, you know? On the other hand have you ever seen the House of Commons in Canada? It’s like a raucous high school assembly up in there. So good for the Americans for sitting beside each other like big boys and girls.

6:05 – Wow Obama got a great Oprah-style-yelling-intro from that dude. He’s coming down the aisle like this is UFC; this would be way better if he and his entourage had silk robes on. So many minutes of hand shakes!

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6:10 – Go time. His mic is a little hot.

Nice pink tie on the guy in the back. Oh it’s the Speaker, John Boehner. My bad. Now I know how to pronounce Boehner though.

6:12: First Gabrielle Giffords mention.

He’s leading with Tucson, smartly. And it’s an easy segue into how important it is we all need to get along and act like a family. His words.

“It’s not whether we can sit together tonight, but whether we can work together tomorrow.” He’s good with symmetry.

Biden’s got this sort of mini-smile thing going on; he’s softened a little bit, yeah?

Wow these guys in the audience need to step up their tie games; there’s more out there than diagonal stripes, you know?

6: 20 – Unemployment. I think he’s trying to explain the world economy?

How long is this thing?

Applause for “America still has the largest, most prosperous economy in the world.” No country’s workers are more productive than ours. Best colleges. Best universities. So many superlatives! Um I went to Concordia University, I’ll have you know, and it has superlatively free vegan lunches. So there.

He just said “That’s how we’ll win the future”! YOU GUYS AMERICANS ARE GOING TO WIN THE FUTURE!

Why is this all about winning? He just went on about how America needs to out-whatever everybody else. What happened to being a family? I guess he’s trying to keep it IN the family.

6:23 – Facebook mention. 13 minutes in!

Omg he’s talking about the race to the moon v. the Soviets. Why is this ‘beating-the-world’ thing his angle? This feels weird.

Aw, he just said that we need to show kids that it’s just as important to celebrate the winner of the science fair as is it the winner of the Superbowl. Right on!

6:32 – Oh shit people are standing what did I miss. I had to pee. I think he’s talking about more teachers! Hooray for teachers!

Tuition tax credit. Good start, guys.

I feel like there should be a drinking game happening. How about “I will take one drink every time I get a minute.” Fun!

6:37 – It sounds like he’s trying to tiptoe around the fact that the ‘problem’ of “illegal immigrants” could easily be solved by “legalizing” said immigrants. Or maybe that’s just me idk.

OMG HE’S TALKING ABOUT HIGH-SPEED RAIL AGAIN. Can I just tell you that the one thing I remember from one State of the Union address was when he mentioned high-speed rail in like 2008? HE SOUNDS SERIOUS THIS TIME! You guys high-speed rail is a really cool thing. I’m really excited about it.

6:45 – Health care. “I’ve heard rumors that a few of you have issues with this law.” First laugh! Not as jokey as the last SOTU though. I like jokey Obama.

6:50 – Woah. Freeze domestic spending for the next five years? What does this mean, shit just got quiet.

6:53 – Back to working together as a team!

“We can’t win the future with a government of the past.”

Again with winning the future! Seriously Obama have you heard about Arctic Sovereignty? Canada’s gonna win the future. Write that down.

“No one rival superpower is alligned against us.” I swear that’s a line from a superhero movie. In fact I feel like half of this was maybe lifted from an obscure DC comic?

7:00 – Afghanistan. He’s talking about starting to remove troops by next year. I know that Canada is pulling everybody pretty soon – like this year –  and that the US has an indefinite commitment. Seriously things are really messed up over there you guys.

8:00“We will argue about everything” got a chuckle. I feel like he’s talking to me at the altar right now.

“I know there isn’t a person here that would trade places with any other nation on Earth.”

While that may be true, Mr. President…

7:13 – Wait a minute, he’s done. Did he talk about anything gay? I overheard something about getting the troops better equipment but I don’t recall anything about DADT. Certainly nothing about anything else. And you know that’s not that surprising, considering he’s up for re-election next year.

Okay yes, he did:

“Tonight, let us speak with one voice in reaffirming that our nation is united in support of our troops and their families. Let us serve them as well as they have served us – by giving them the equipment they need; by providing them with the care and benefits they have earned; and by enlisting our veterans in the great task of building our own nation. Our troops come from every corner of this country – they are black, white, Latino, Asian and Native American. They are Christian and Hindu, Jewish and Muslim. And, yes, we know that some of them are gay. Starting this year, no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love. And with that change, I call on all of our college campuses to open their doors to our military recruiters and the ROTC. It is time to leave behind the divisive battles of the past. It is time to move forward as one nation.”

What the hell just happened? I feel like we just spent an hour hearing about science and American Innovation and Winning the Future. I do not feel like I am winning the present.

One of the CBS people just said “Reagan-esque.” May God have mercy on us all.

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68 Comments

  1. Joe Biden looks extra like Sam the eagle with that flag behind him….

    Also I’ve been doing a drinking game with this. One small sip when people clap, and whenever there is a standing ovation I chug. 🙂

  2. high speed rail! i got so excited about it last year. and this year he said they did something about it. maybe? when can i take a train to california in less than a week?

    also, according to the white house state of the union page “winning the future” was the title of the thing. seems mostly creepy to me. i feel like winning the future mostly just requires…making it to the future intact?

  3. He talked about DADT for a sec
    “Starting this year, no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love…”

    And these 2 military dudes looked super POed when he said that!

  4. “Now I know how to pronounce Boehner though.”

    It doesn’t even look a little bit like it could be pronounced BAY-ner and NO ONE IS FOOLED. BUT it’s his name so he gets to decide I guess, plus the Internet tells me it’s a German name so. It wasn’t really BO-ner or BAY-ner, originally?

    (I’m trying to be A Decent Person but to be honest I’m from Ohio and really embarrassed of him and just want to call him Boner.)

  5. Canadian chiming in here.

    I felt (a tiny bit) bad sitting in my U.S. friend’s living room when her President said “I know there isn’t a person here that would trade places with any other nation on Earth.” and then I thought about my 3 months worth of diabetic supplies upstairs in the guest room closet… and I snorted. ~total accident~ no offense meant there.

    I do love you all. I want you to know that.

    I’ve been really enjoying your coupon system. We don’t have extreme coupon-ing in Canada. At least, I’ve never experienced it like I did the other day… and I was really grateful when her son asked me about our political system. He asked what it was like – and I said, what do you mean? And he replied; “you know, we have a democracy…”

    He’s a high school grad you know.

      • Sadly, we did not get that far. His eyes started to glaze over when I started explaining the different political parties. I didn’t even make it to the Marijuana party.

        Safeway has got NOTHING – nothing I say! I watched as my friend combined in-store, flyer, and manufacturer coupons so she paid something like $20 for over $100 worth of stuff. She told me one time they actually gave her store bucks back totaling MORE then what she paid for everything… meaning, they paid her to shop there. It was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. If only Safeway would let you combine coupons! (I have a new obsession – and that’s not including the 2 cases of cherry coke zero I’ve drank so far while being here!)

    • I’d be pretty happy to trade places with some other people in the world if it meant I could get married to a lady and have it recognized wherever I decided to move. And not have to worry about where my medications are going to come from, or what’s going to happen when my little brother, who needs hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of medical supplies every year for his incurable disease, is too old to be on my father’s federal health plan anymore.

      Although I guess it would mean sticking some poor person who was used to healthcare and gay marriage with this business here. So actually yeah maybe I wouldn’t trade after all, that’d be pretty harsh.

  6. sorry, I was live tweeting while playing a drinking game. My words were “change” and “internet”. And I’m white girl wasted right now. That was so much fun though! I’m Canadian and I want Barry O. to invade Canada right now. Well, we get to keep all that makes us awesome, but I just would rather look at Obama and Michelle than Stevie Harper. Sorry.

    um, on the DADT, I was laffing so hard. Everyone was standing EXCEPT the military people, who couldn’t even clap. I was like “IN YOUR FACE SUCKERS!” and felt very very proud.

    anyways, drunk Liana should prolly take a nap.

  7. Obama’s statements about energy (investing in new energy) were not only vital, they were metaphorical.

    Also, Rachel’s fake lashes – wow. I think she was into them…

  8. All I do is win, win win
    no matter what!

    Did DJ Khlaed help write this?

    I don’t care.

    I’m watching this Friday afternoon to play the Huffington Post drinking game, because we don’t drink on weeknights here in America.

  9. “Now I know how to pronounce Boehner though.”

    You’re doing better than I am. Well, no, I know very well how to pronounce it, I just refuse to call him anything other than Boner, I suppose there’s a difference.

    …funny story: when I was in elementary school my teachers always told my parents how mature I was.

  10. There is nothing more unbearable to me than listening to political speeches written by a 29 year old speech writer (Obama’s main dude) about winning and accomplishing things and being on missions and rocketing into the future. Blah blah, anyone else feel like they never say anything real? I only want to read a recap online written by a stoned Canadian from now on.

  11. It’s so so frustrating and infuriating that President Obama and the mainstream media has not recognized that the repeal of DADT does not to stop the discrimination of transgender people. Military and ROTC guidelines explicitly say trans folk will be barred from entering on the basis of “gender identity disorder.” Once again it’s trans invisibility…

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