Real L Word 307 Recap: Dream Come True, Nightmare Come Soon

Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long teen drama centered on a tight-knit group of surprisingly artictulate friends growing up in the quaint seaside town of Capeside who carry on passionate teenaged affairs with one another, create terrible self-referential films, escape housefires and deal with Adult Issues like estranged parents, dead parents, divorced parents, re-married parents, sex, teacher-student affairs, mental illness, slut-shaming and homosexuality.

L to R: dusty, amanda, kiyomi, cori

I got the screencaps last night and have been immersed in this delightful program all day! My dearest love, Intern Grace, did not have time to create her clever image titles past the first few scenes, unfortunately, and this recap is kinda late, but it’s here now and that’s all that matters. We’re all here now.


We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where Whitney and Sarahara are attempting to leave on a jet plane for Connecticut, where Whitney’s family lives, but their bag is overweight! Riveting stuff.

and uh, we don’t need an on-board meal because we already ate this morning if you know what i mean wink wink

After removing their medium-sized strap-on, their large strap-on, Sarahara’s Ashton-Drake realistic baby doll, the nightstick Whitney uses for cop/robbers role play, the bust of Ilene Chaiken she insists they bring with them everywhere they go, six identical copies of Infinite Jest, Sarahara’s five-gallon Caboodles and a small household cat, they’re good to go! dotted-divider2

We cut to Lamanda’s Love Shack, where the Beautiful Party Princess Amazonian Lovergirl Lauren Bedford Russell wakes up to greet the morning but finds herself alone, yearning for Kiyomi’s soft futch touch and the gentle snap of her suspenders as they graze her skin and fall delicately to the floor, where someone recently spilled a beer. What am I even talking about anymore.

wishing those sexts came with more pics

Lauren sulks into the kitchen, adorned in her lady-love’s varsity jacket:

nothing but your t-shirt on

Lauren interviews that she’s still thinking about Kiyomi, in case you missed that whole thing from five seconds ago, and Amanda points out that Lauren’s been really wacky lately:

it looks good curly though, i mean, i’m just saying, i’ve just only seen it straight


We take a midnight train back to New York City, where Kiyomi is meeting up with Vero The Coolest Cucumber for cornbread, daisies, fight club, ping-pong, arsenic, hemp tattoos, babies and a heart-to-heart.

vero has been practicing her “pretending to listen to kiyomi” face

Obviously Lauren is on Kiyomi’s mind as well:

Kiyomi: “I feel like everything is happening really fast and I’m trying to, you know, take things slow, you know. We’re both really busy people in our careers, just gonna try and see each other when we can and see how it goes.”

Kiyomi interviews that part of her hesitation is because she’s just gotten out of this relationship with Ali, because now that she’s out of it, she can call it a relationship without hyperventilating. Vero is like, dude, she is way into you though:

Vero: “At Dinah Shore she told me something, she said something along the lines of I can see myself just being with her.”
Kiyomi: “She must have been loaded! No, I’m just kidding.”
Vero: “It sounds like she she really digs you.”

Regardless, Kiyomi is k-k-kinda busy:

honestly with these cameras around it’s been super hard for a girl to get her masturbation on

We then cut back to Lamanda in Los Angeles, still sitting in The Room With The Table In It, still talking about Kiyomi. Lauren points out that perhaps the distance will enable a more mature relationship as they’re unable to hang out all day every day until they lose all their friends and develop a false sense of intimacy and understanding that cannot possibly exist until you’ve known someone for a really long time. But also, she’s never done long distance, and also it’s not a relationship yet but also —

Lauren: “It’s like crazy to talk about it right now, you know?”
Amanda: “Yet you’re like talking about it constantly to the point where I wanna like gouge my eyes out with a fork.”

don’t we all



Somewhere else on a planet far far away but probably in the Los Angeles Metro Area, it’s Kacy’s Mom’s turn on the Meet The Parents Tour. Kacy interviews that since retiring, her Mom’s become super-awesome: she drives long distances, enjoys golf and is a Great Source of Love and Comfort.

kacy dear, i’ve been watching season two of that show you’re on, and i have some questions for you about claire and vivian’s relationship if you have a minute after we’re done talking about this baby stuff

Mom asks how Cori is holding up and Kacy admits that “sometimes I think she’s doing better than I am.”

Kacy: “I think everybody expects to be really gentle with her, and they think I’m fine.”
Mrs.Kacy: “Well, that’s so crappy.”
Kacy: “It is pretty crappy.”
Mrs.Kacy: “You have to tell people, I’m hurting too.”

This show’s done a great job of showing that Kacy is hurting too, but it’s unsurprising that perhaps her friends haven’t noticed it themselves. Often butch or masculine lesbians are handled like men are handled when it comes to emotional situations — expected to be The Protector somehow immune to The Feelings, and probably moreso in this case because it was Cori who carried the baby. But pro tip: butches cry too.

Mrs. Kacy tells Kacy that she had a hard time getting preggers too — ten years, four miscarriages — but she never had to carry the baby to term, like Cori did. Mrs. Kacy says what we’re always thinking every episode every single week, which’s that it’s mega-inspirational to watch how losing Charlie brought KayCor closer together rather than driving them further apart. Kacy says that they’re ready to try again.

It’s true, there’s so much more now. Because when her first sibling is born, Charlie won’t be their last child anymore. She’ll be their first.


Starsweep cross-country to cloudy Connecticut, where Whitney and Sarahara have traveled to participate in the next stop on The Real L Word’s Meet the Parents Coming Out World Tour — this time Grandma’s in the hot seat. She’s 92 years old and also awesome.

whitney and grandmother prior to their gang initiation ceremony

Whitney gathers ’round the table with Grandma, Sarahara, Mom, a bottle of wine and captivating conversation:

and i first saw the trees! The Truffula Trees! The bright-colored tufts of the Truffula Trees! Mile after mile in the fresh morning breeze

Whitney interviews that as a kid, when her family split up and money was low, Whitney and her Mom moved in with Grandma so Grandma is really important, just like Sookie Stackhouse’s Gran and Jen Lindley’s Grams.

Whitney’s never directly addressed The Gay Thing with Grandmother and now she’ll be delivering the double-whammy of Gay and Engaged. Whitney’s nervous and taking it slow:

that’s what she said

How will Grandmother react?

Will she react like this?


I hope it’s not like this:


Or like this:

Hopefully it won’t be anything like this, either:


Ideally, it will go something like this:

Whitney’s gonna break the big news during dinner, for which she’s invited her childhood pal Tiffany who accidentally steals the scene when she announces during dinner that she and her boyfriend Luigi are getting married.

he’s leaving the super mario brothers for this, so it’s pretty serious.

She’s basically marrying the second-most-popular video game character of all time! Sarahara cannot compete with this holy union!

wedding invitation mockup

Despite all the love in the air, Whitney fails to announce her engagement:

Whitney:  “Basically everything is like engagement engaged discuss and I for some reason am not going there at all, I was avoiding it like the plague.”


Cut to somewhere else in the universe, probably Venus or Pluto or The Inferno, where Romi’s meeting up with some alternatively coiffed ladies named Mercado and Erika to discuss her latest adventure in self-referential commerce: Romi’s gonna become a pop star and would like “her own song.”

i mean imagine how cute my face would look on this mug

These chicks are gonna make her music video for this song she hasn’t recorded or heard yet.

At this moment in the recap I would like to introduce a new device, which’s “copy/pasting g-chats I had with (Autostraddle Executive Editor) Laneia during the show.”

Laneia: she looks like a twelve-year-old’s take on what a hip hop starlet would wear
Riese: fur coat
baseball cap
oh she’s practically nicki minaj

what the fuck does this chick think she’s doing with that haircut and that fur

Romi’s had just about enough of established musicians like Rihanna and Madonna stealing the stage at her club appearances. Why’s she wasting her time introducing other people’s music when she could be introducing her very own song?

Romi: “I do a lot of club appearances, and I think it would be nice to have something that was mine, now I’m trying to have fun with another creative side of me.”

and while we’re at it, i’ve also always wanted a pony, too

Romi interviews that her Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a songwriter/producer and used to write songs in the car, which’s basically like Romi growing up on Bob Dylan’s lap. My Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a high school track coach and you don’t see me doing sprints in the backyard, but whatever. Romi also claims to have experienced the completely unique and totally remarkable sensation of wishing she was the one on stage while watching other humans perform musically.

no i just wanna do the like, lip syncy thingie that britney does, can you make that happen

Romi: “My thing to every work opportunity right now is YES.”

It’s also her answer to every ex-boyfriend, coincidentally — Romi plans on laying down her slick beats with none other than the world-famous Dusty Ray of my favorite tumblr, dustyandromi dot tumblr dot com!

Once upon a time, Romi was just the rock star’s girlfriend, drooling in the front row with her Miracle Bra and chunky rings and whiskey flask but we’ve all grown/changed so much since then, haven’t we?

in my face

Erika and Mercado are concerned regarding Romi’s mike-holding skills. I’m sure Jay could testify that she’ll do just fine with it.

this is not how you hold a microphone

Romi interviews that she dated Dusty Ray six years ago.

Riese: 6 years ago?
um, i thought that she hadn’t dated men in 8 years
Laneia: she is such a raging twat
Riese: seriously do the people who make this show think we’re total idiots?
i’m not being hyperbolic this is a a real question
she said it’d been eight years since she dated a guy like two episodes ago
Laneia: puppppyyyy


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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2943 articles for us.



    I fucking love you.

    Also “Keep that to yourself forever.”

    These are my highlights, I think.

  2. I haven’t watched this episode yet… but thank you. thank you thank you thank you, for telling me exactly when i need to fast forward through certain people (i.e. Kiyomi/Lamanda & Rusty [yup i nicknamed them]) The hour-long episodes suddenly become about 30 minutes when you get through the junk.

  3. I sit through this season purely for the brief and beautiful glimpses of Vero. Even if ALMOST EVERY TIME WE SEE HOTTY McSENSUAL VOICE VERO she is sat with her cool face on while Kiyomi Irritating McMoans-a-lot Moans a Lot about all the sex she’s having and how complicated her emotions surrounding that are. Seriously, how do they pick which stories to focus on??

  4. Romi having her own song will be a nice addition to her Sunday evenings in between filming of rewatching her own parts of the show and wearing exclusively clothes that have her face on them. Now she has background music!

  5. With each passing episode, Romi is starting to fit the profile of a sociopath. Like for real. She’s checking a lot of the boxes, not just one or two. I pray to God this show really is as scripted as I think it is and she is not actually as god awful as she seems to be but that blog post is not exactly helping.

    Also, her wardrobe is atrocious and makes me wish their really was an actual fashion police to issue her a citation.

      • Agreed, re borderline although her mom mentioned once she was bipolar. I don’t dislike or harbor ill will toward her but I do worry that being on this show isn’t really good for her mental well-being.

  6. This is the first season i’ve ever seen of the real L word (I came for the Hunter Valentine). I don’t understand how anyone could like Romi but from the recap it sounds like maybe at one time she was likable. My sister made a good point when she said that it seems like Romi just clings to whomever comes near that has something she needs.

    I’m kinda bummed that Ali got a good amount of story time but Katie Murphy (Sick Of Sarah) & Tucky Willams (Girl/Girl Scene) got squat. Tucky & Laura were an adorable couple and as I understand Katie & Murphy still are one.

    Also in that “making of” video was that the song, playing in the background, that Romi was recording in the episode? Sounds like Dusty or whoever auto-tuned the crap out of it and Romi was so bad that he relegated her to only a tiny bit of the chorus.

  7. final thoughts

    1. vero&girlfriend scenes, grandma mixter, disapproving kelsey (in relation to the making of ear infection music), and confession time: the kiyoren story line got me through this episode. probably also the fact that i was watching girl/girl scene online

    2. sara looks really cute in little to no make up on her face and fall layers, i think it also helped that she didn’t bring up romi once during this whole disaster. you know what else is cute, amanda’s little motorcycle!

    oh and dusty reminds me of a douchey sonic the hedgehog

  8. I’ve come to believe Charlie Monroe is the best big sister ever. She sacrificed her tiny self so that her parents would know what’s up about the very rare condition Cori has, and so her future siblings would survive. I love that kid for that. Also, she’s a tough little one, fighting to be be born so she could meet her moms, sharing a breath, her only breath, with them. Angel. God bless.

  9. Cori: “I definitely think that Charlie — I know that she’s the reason that I’m pushing. I know she would be so upset if we gave up, and I know that she’s up there picking out the perfect little sibling, I know it.”

    Maybe I just cried. It might have happened.

  10. Can I just point out the unimpressed look on Erika’s face in the entire scene where they are talking about Romi making a song. It’s like she knows Romi is full of shit and doesn’t want to be there.

    Also am I the only one who laughed through the whole scene of Whitney crying at the end just from pure shock that Whitney was actually showing human emotions? Like I wasn’t expecting it, Whitney crying.

    Also. Also. That poly show that comes on after. I watch that show. It is WEIRD and like a train wreck due to that “pod” (the four people couple??) they are just…IDK. They are basically two married couples who have sex with the other couple and the dudes don’t even get it on. I’m just like… Why don’t the dudes get it on if you’re all in love?

    • Cuz a very small part of me wants to see some dude on dude but I think that even Showtime is too afraid to show something so “EXTREME” like two dudes getting it on cuz you know…No straight guy would want to see that so what’s the point???

        • I just watched an episode online. One of the guys in that ‘pod’ is a mega douchebag.
          So, his wife, a member of the pod has a girlfriend that she won’t share with anyone else and he thinks that breaks the rules of polyamory, so it’s more like a non-monogamous relationship. Funny how polyamory only applies when he wants sex with a hot young girl and definitely doesn’t require him crossing swords with the other man in the ‘pod’, hmm.

          • I liked it, especially when they came out to their parents who were so cool about it all (and also since both families involved jewish families)

            before even looking at that link i’m guessing you’re talking about nick carter and his curtains, yes?

            his definition of what polyamory was and how it should play out in their relationship did seem to centre on what his penis wanted… even though his wife’s girlfriend told her she wasn’t really interested in that, and when he asked to kiss her she had to laugh it off… it’s probably difficult to tell someone you’re with who is polyamorous that you don’t think much of their husband.

            In interesting news:

            check out Brazil!

          • just checked the link and yes it was indeed mr curtains.
            his hair actually made me look up the series to make sure it wasn’t a 10-year-old show on a re-run.

          • omg, these are my exact same feeling about the same guy!!!!!!!! just thinking about that stupid hair makes my head hurt

  11. Romi makes me want to drink like A LOT! She went from fun, mysterious attractive cute weirdo girl to obnoxious self absorbed delusional narcissic A-Hole at the minute she got sober!!
    Cheers to that amazing transformation!
    My guess is that she started to compensate with a lot of illegal substance and is abusing it way too much now.
    If that’s the face of soberness, I wanna be drunk all day long.

    • Romi’s eyes scare me so I wouldn’t doubt that she is using something illegal. If not then she is using people instead to compensate for lack of drinking. She needs something to fill the void.

      I saw on Twitter that she signed a contract with Rose from the first season for a show…I guess another reality show following them around? Lord help us, it IS the apocalypse.

  12. RIESE!
    Let’s have a poly show discussion. That show really does a good ob of showing that yes, reality show is sometimes obviously scripted, but it can really be honest and new and exciting. Though I’m sure that show could get old quick, hence it being aired as a special (maybe all the sex has something to do with it too). But there is so much to talk about on the poly show!

  13. “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    is the most amazing thing anyone on TRLW has ever said (excepting “i love love so much you”)

    also this seems like a good time to announce how obsessed i am with like in the same way i’m obsessed with watching planet earth. they’re like space aliens! how did they happen!

  14. This show is just getting boring. Like.

    At least in the past seasons, the debauchery and sheer ridiculousness of it all (i.e. creamed corn wrestling, anything with Claire, LA Fashion Week) were entertaining in an I-can’t-stop-laughing-at-these-crazy-lesbians kind of way. Like.

    KayCor = saving grace of this train wreck. Like.

    I refuse to comment on anything Romi related because I may just try that running into traffic thing Riese mentioned earlier. Like, for real.

    I’m gonna go Google that poly show now. Or watch PLL… yeah, PLL. Like.

  15. Also: I really liked “Gay in LA” – it wasn’t like a good song but it was hilarious and, I thought, showed that Romi didn’t take herself too seriously and could make fun of herself.

    Obviously after reading her blogpost and confessions about bisexuality/love/music/following her heart/being herself etc I realized she’s actually certifiably insane.

  16. Jesus, I feel so sorry for Kelsey when she says she doesnt see Dusty as a threat! Well, maybe it’s cause the threat is Romi herself? GAAAWD I used to like her in former seasons but now she’s just so annoying! And yeah, Dusty is creepy as hell.
    Wow, Amanda rocks in this all black leather outfit she’s wearing. I need to steal that. Oh, and her motorbike as well.

    PS: Vero, you broke my heart.

  17. Loved the Connecticut stuff. I kindly refer to bitchy CT girls who like to judge NYC girls “Connecticunts”…there are several in the New Haven area. Oh, thanks for the Indigo Girls shout out. No, really. I had that song in my head for the rest of the day and had the urge to call my first girlfriend.

  18. I think that “I wanna gouge my eyes out with a fork” might be another screencap for the ages, y’all. it and “this is crazy” could work pretty well as recaps on their own, though you’d have to write in a couple jokes at the end to make up for the ones we’d be missing from the long-form version.

  19. TRUTH: “Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!”

    I had half a beer left when the episode ended so yes, I did watch the poly show.

  20. Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    Amanda pulls no punches and she has some of my fave lines

  21. It’s frightening this show. Romi has become a stepford wife. Amanda is totally evil. Kiyomi and lauren obviously have a connection, right people wrong timing maybe, and who is she to give any advice.

    These bitches need to stop sniffing coke and and get some help!!!

    At one point when sara and and whitney are talking at the cafe, i swear the camera angle showed whitneys nose getting bigger like pinochio. Stop the bullshit please Ilene and show us something interesting !!!

  22. I don’t know what has happened to Romi, but shes just not the same person as she was in the last two seasons.

    Shes just too self centered and absorbed and comes off as really fake. I dislike her more and more as the season progresses.

    I think she really needs help because i def see some personality disorder going on. Hopefully im wrong and its just showtime that portrays her like that, but i dont think so.

    And I don’t want to seem rude or mean but I really do not understand what Lauren sees in Kyomi, I really don’t. I just dont find Kyomi attractive at all. Lauren could totally do soo much better and get a girl who’s hot like her or even hotter.

  23. Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you ever been blogging for? you made blogging glance easy. The whole glance of your website is wonderful, let alone the content!

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